The survivors' ability to take in new perspectives on themselves seems central to how they transformed in a positive way rather than becoming stuck the way so many trauma victims do.
Allowing oneself to feel the fury of hate, especially when one has been abused by another person, is often a healthy part of the recovery process, but it is only healthy if one can also learn to let it go. Hate minimizes a victim's feelings of powerlessness and self-blame.
But after anger has been experienced, when self-compassion replaces self-blame, and when the terror of the traumatic experience is no longer too intrusive, it is necessary for survivors to let go of hate to give them vitality and hope.
We hate in response to an injury that causes deep suffering or threatens life, but the wish to kill or injure the perpetrator can be self-destructive. As James Chu (1987) writes, "to have allowed the victimization in the first place, 'counter-dehumanization' is not a psychological victory" (Davenport, 1991).
"(G)enuine contrition in a perpetrator [of violence] is a rare miracle. Fortunately, the survivor does not need to wait for it. Her healing depends on the discovery of restorative love in her own life; it does not require that this love be extended to the perpetrator."
"If we all live by an eye for an eye, the whole world would be blind."