Tuesday's Trust - Amidst the Holidays ~ Keeping the Good...

Tuesday's Trust

Amidst the Holidays ~

Keeping the Good...

We are coming out of Thanksgiving weekend and looking back on the time with awe. Looking back on our lives this weekend is somewhat like watching the immature pupa in the process of its transformation between larva and adult within its transitional state within the chrysalis. Going into the weekend, we knew certain new rules we have tried in years before would have to continue to be in place, such as,

• There will be no "crowds" of people in which we will gather. No large family-of-origin get-togethers. No massive amounts of interpersonal dynamics we will have to navigate through. No unnecessary tensions to get stirred up for no good reason.
• There will be no shopping furor or frenzy that we will force ourselves to contend with.
• There will be no extra activities undertaken which might weaken us down into an unnecessarily tired state.
• We will not force ourselves to do things just because that was what we always did.

• On top of that, I was contending with the somatic dysfunction that has plagued me these five years as my body struggles to tangle with the realities manifest that my heart, soul, spirit, body, and mind never wanted to happen but did anyway. So, I am learning, of necessity, to attend to what my poor body is requiring to stay healthy. Which includes the need for boundaries, saying "No" to tasks I ordinarily would have tackled "just because" a holiday is here, and that is what you do.
• And we will maintain a schedule of healthy activities like obtaining proper amounts of sleep, proper amounts of healthy exercise, eating the appropriate foods called for to which our bodies will respond well, hopefully.
• And we will open the door to sweet, low-key visits from just a few key people that we don't ordinarily get to spend enough time with, like our own two sons, and daughter-in-law, and granddaughter!
• So on the flip side of the weekend, we can see now how incredibly sweet the weekend was. The sacred was retained. The fluff was eschewed. And in doing so the purity of the sacred moments stand out in full relief, not muddied down at all by the usual toxicities that can often come with the holiday package. How sweet. How thankful we are that amidst our "new normal," such as it is, in some ways our holidays are spent in even BETTER ways than before, and that is such a relief to see! And for that major transition, I am so very THANKFUL. I am indeed THANKFUL that I can be THANKFUL on this Thanksgiving season!
• It even gives me a trust and a hope that our devastating child-loss grief can usher in much BETTER habits and rituals and family-togetherness than in years before! God is good, and I guess we are in a better position to really listen to His still small voice these days. Indeed, not everything about child-loss grief is bad. Some changes coming our way are not only good, they are very good!

Posters, thanks to Heartlight.org

Tuesday's Trust - 'Tis the Optional Season!

Tuesday's Trust

'Tis the Optional Season!

For the past two years, we have not "done" Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is now just three weeks away. From this distance, we are thinking maybe we can have the family over again (just our little family - our son Nathan, our son Rollin, his wife/our daughter-in-law Stephanie, and their baby/our new grand baby Ellie). But then again, we pause, and question ourselves…

Are we lying to ourselves???

What can and can't we do these days?

How different are we?

One hazard for me is having to celebrate the holiday at a certain given time, and I have no idea how I am going to be at that given time. Putting holiday pressure on myself (on top of my-already-demanding-grief) feels claustrophobic -- nowhere to run, nowhere to hide if all expectations are there to "perform."

There are cultural expectations for the holiday. There are familial expectations for the holiday, so there is some level of anxiety beginning to creep in. Early on in our grief, we didn't think in terms of options as we do now. We just felt we had to "celebrate." Now we give ourselves room to have "options"!

Otherwise, it seems like a "holiday" could easily turn into a "get-through-it" day.

So a day that should be "special" for the intended sweetness entailed in it, could become more like a "going through the motions" day, just trying to keep our deep sorrow at bay…

Last year, my family-of-origin down in Georgia had a combination Thanksgiving Dinner AND Birthday Celebration for my precious mother. I knew I could not do that get-together because a large crowd of family is too overwhelming for my system now. But it made the holiday especially sad because I couldn't be with my mother to celebrate a special time with her. (What was great though was, as it turned out, my 97-year-old mother didn't even want to go!!!)

(I wish just my mother and I could have gotten together. That was our style when I went home to visit -- just she and I would spend time together, maybe one brother and his wife would come over for a little while, but most of the time, it was the two of us (and one of her helpers). We would have the best times together. Quality time. Relaxed. Unhurried. Special. Often we would laugh together. And often, we would cry together. (We were both child-loss parents, so we had that in common; we each "got it.") So sweet.

But, I digress… So as of right now, I have no idea what we'll do.

But I do hope for some sort of sweet quality fellowship with my precious "little" family.

We'll take it one step at a time and trust that the best solution surfaces . . .

What about you?

What are your holiday plans so far?

(There is a sweet story about holidays and loss that goes with today's picture; you might want to check it out at the following blog site:)

Picture: http://relayforlifeoflaketravis.blogspot.com/2006/04/empty-table.html

Tuesday's Trust - Insomnia and Self-Blasting Amidst Child-Loss Grief

Tuesday's Trust

Insomnia and Self-Blasting

Amidst Child-Loss Grief

Confusion and restlessness along with attacks on self and all else that's good are an indicator of the Evil One attacking.

~St. Teresa of Avila

Lately, I have been plagued with insomnia. After a few hours of sleep, I am wide awake. And that's when the war begins. There is an onslaught against myself that leaves me restless and agitated, yet paralyzed to do anything about it. But it won't leave me alone; it keeps swirling around in my head, keeping me trapped and despondent. ...AND Sleep-Deprived. It is downright maddening. I had chalked it up to,

"Whew...this grief process is something else! Why won't my mind stop racing when it needs to be resting?"

So when I read St. Teresa of Avila's quote, it was such a RELIEF!

I suddenly realized, "So it's not just

• GRIEF and
• TRAUMA and a
• TRANSFORMATION PROCESS into "a new normal" (or more likely "a new creation") I am in (which is really quite enough, thank you), but also
• EVIL ATTACKS that, with God's help and in the name of Jesus, I can stand against.

My, what a complicated mess we're in... amazing, overwhelming at times.

I guess that's why they call Child-Loss Grief "Complicated" Grief...and Trauma!

Such Complicated Grief is depressing and traumatizing, and its accompanying extreme vulnerability leaves one open to the denigrating attacks of the Vile One.

Here is the full quote from St. Teresa:

Recognizing the devil's hand

I have had so much experience of the devil's doings by now that he knows I can recognize him and therefore torments me less in these ways than he once did.

You can detect his part in an experience by the restlessness and discomfort at the beginning and the confusion he causes in the soul while the experience lasts, as well as by the darkness and affliction into which he plunges the soul and its subsequent aridity and lack of zeal for prayer or any other good thing.

He seems to stifle the soul and squeeze the body, rendering both useless. True humility is quite different. The soul knows it is wretched . . . but there is no accompanying confusion or restlessness.

~St. Teresa of Avila

The following devotional proved to be extremely helpful to me amidst one of these middle-of-the-night agitated states I had recently. I could not sleep. My mind wouldn't stop racing, with my heart feeling the familiar chill that creeps in, filling it and surrounding it when I feel taunted by my grief, wondering,

"Where is my deep grief going to leave me if I can't overcome its traumatic impact and function any better than this?"

I pulled out the flashlight I keep under my bed in case of electricity-squelching storms. I began to read Amy Carmichael's devotional:

"Dr. F. B. Meyer once told me that when he was young he was very irritable, and an old man told him that he had found relief from this very thing by looking up the moment he felt it coming, and saying, 'Thy sweetness, Lord.'

{Just reading this one tender phrase brought my sweet Lord's tender presence into my deep agitation, and I burst into tears, the kind that renders your body shaking along with the tears. I hoped I was not going to awaken Tommy amidst my wracking tears... I continued to read...}

"...'Thy sweetness, Lord.' By telling this, that old man greatly helped Dr. Meyer, and he told it to tens of thousands. I pass it on to you because I have found it a certain and a quick way of escape. Take the opposite of your temptation and look up inwardly, naming that opposite;

Untruth--Thy truth, Lord;

Unkindness--Thy kindness, Lord;

Impatience--Thy patience, Lord;

Selfishness--Thy unselfishness, Lord;

Roughness--Thy gentleness, Lord;

Discourtesy--Thy courtesy, Lord;

Resentment, inward heat, fuss -- Thy sweetness, Lord, Thy calmness, Thy peacefulness.

"I think that no one who tries this very simple plan will ever give it up. (It takes it for granted, of course, that all is yielded--the ' I ' dethroned.) Will all to whom it is new try it for a day, a week, a month, and test it?"

~Amy Carmichael

This devotional ministered so deeply to my hurting soul that I was able to quiet my spirit, blow my nose, close my eyes, and fall into the deepest, most peaceful sleep. Fortunately, none of this awakened Tommy. God is good.

Picture thanks to Fan photos from Beautiful Quotes And Inspirational Wallpapers

St. Teresa of Avila quotes from God Seekers: Twenty Centuries of Christian Spiritualities by Richard H. Schmidt (2008)

Amy Carmichael devotional from Edges of His Ways by Amy Carmichael (1955, 1970, 1975)

Tuesday's Trust - God's Spirit Dimension

Tuesday's Trust

God's Spirit Dimension

Writing notes to grieving mothers,

Then realizing all over again

That you're gone . . . It's surreal ~

After this five-year span

How is it I oft can feel

Closer to you than when you were here~

You're not just in my life, but in my heart . . .

Every day since that day, I've shed a tear,

Yet...you feel closer now, though we're apart!

God's Economy is always better ~

Less is more, and more is less ~

Grief indeed is like a fetter,

And yet you share my happiness!

Thank you baby girl, that you're so near . . .

You draw so close, it's like you're here!

So when reality strikes me down,

I'm lifted up, as your spirt comes 'roun!

Poem - God's Spirit Dimension - Angie Bennett Prince - 7/2/2011

Tuesday's Trust - "A New Normal" Or "A New Creation"?

Tuesday's Trust

"A New Normal" Or "A New Creation"?

Tommy has often said to me during this grief process, that "A New Normal" just doesn't seem to capture what has to take place after the death of our child. It seems to him, it really is more like,

"Ye must be born again!"

(from the Scripture John 3:1-16:

Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council. He came to Jesus at night and said, “Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him.”

In reply Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.”

“How can a man be born when he is old?” Nicodemus asked. “Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb to be born!”

Jesus answered, “I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

“How can this be?” Nicodemus asked.

“You are Israel’s teacher,” said Jesus, “and do you not understand these things? I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven—the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,fthat whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

So too, Tommy senses that even in child-loss, the Lord Himself must transform us just like He did with "the new birth":

The "new birth" was not something we could do for ourselves.

As Scripture says, "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us":

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

~Romans 5:8 (NAS)

In the "new birth" that Jesus says needs to happen for a person to have salvation from his or her lost condition in order to be saved and become a child of God, Scripture tells us we cannot save ourselves; it is God's doing -- God provided a Savior for us in the sacrifice of His Own Son. We respond to His provision.

The same provision, it seems, would be required for making this transformation that evolves after the death of our child. In many ways, we child-loss parents feel dead. We feel we just "exist." The life has been sucked out of us. Many of us feel that when our child died, a part of us died too.

So, it follows, if we could not "resurrect" ourselves from death to life in the "new birth," neither can we "resurrect" ourselves after our child's death in our own strength alone. That is why I think Tommy says, in essence,

Forget the characterization, "'the new normal" as it doesn't capture the massive transformation that must take place in a child-loss griever. Rather, the kind of transformation called for is tantamount to "Ye must be born again"!

~ Which again, is a transformation that is God's doing not ours... We are simply to lean on Him, feed on Him, walk with Him amidst the cocoon of grieving which He provides, and He will transform us bit by bit to be able to walk this "new life" without our child ~ in His strength and with His guidance, one baby step at a time. Yes, sometimes we will fall down, only to have Him pick us up again, but baby step by baby step, with safety and nurturance around us, and with His help, we begin to grow stronger.

Then, we find we are becoming "new creations." Like the butterfly that springs out of the cocoon of its chrysalis, we will find we are completely different, with many changes for the better:

• a new depth of capacity for intimacy
• a deeper compassion for others
• a clarity of recognizing what is really important in life
• a deeper intimacy with one another
• a new "family" with the ones who understand and can love us IN OUR NEW FORM (not selfishly demanding that we go back in time to who we were before, as if that were even possible)
• a recognition of our limitations and our basic needs which helps us take better care of ourselves
• a clarity and discernment in regard to which relationships around us are edifying to our war-torn spirits and which ones are perhaps toxic, and therefore ones from whom we must guard ourselves
• a commitment to what brings "meaning" to life versus chasing empty promises of fulfillment from the plastic baubles of status, riches, glory, or fame
• a sense that we always have "one foot in Heaven" where our child is, and where God assures us, is where our true investments really lie.

With such a transformation in our person, perhaps we really do emerge as "better" people, perhaps even as "beautiful" in our new nature as the exquisite, yet fragile, butterfly.

Picture thanks to: http://www.myspace.com/preciousgifts/photos/28320747#%7B%22ImageId%22%3A28320747%7D