Thursday's Therapy - Child-Loss Grief Amidst Our Chauvinistic and Caustic Culture

Thursday's Therapy

Child-Loss Grief

Amidst Our

Chauvinistic and Caustic Culture

Let's face it. We traumatized child-loss grievers are not gonna get any help out there in the civilian world for our "grief war." We have a very chauvinistic and caustic culture when it comes to emotional pain. Not only are we NOT treated tenderly as any grieving parent would deserve, but we are treated downright coldly as my poem yesterday described.

What is behind this "Get Over It" mentality coming at us? Why the push for us to "Move on!"? Why the desire in the naive but "oh-so-wise" who think they need to give us some advice in how to handle our grief?

Our society doesn't want to recognize that death really happens. Our culture and even our churches (or should I say, especially our churches) do not want to recognize that death happens. Or if it does happen, you should be over it in a week or so, so that they won't have to think about it any more.

People in our society would rather deny, minimize, or blow off the death of a child; it hurts too much for them to even think about it ~ so, for sure they don't want us to "make" them climb down in that pain with us. So we get the message,

"You just need to get over it and be happy like I am. (Then I won't have to feel bad for you anymore, and I can get on with my life.)"

Our society also is full of people who do everything they know to avoid dealing with emotional pain in general. We have workaholics, frenetic activity seekers, thrill seekers, or any of a number of obsessive activities in which we can distract ourselves to death. Anything to keep from feeling emotional pain.

From sex addicts to alcoholics, gamblers to those exhibiting eating disorders, to those addicted to drugs of all kinds, it seems we are always finding novel ways to self-destruct, even sniffing glue, sniffing paint, or playing what some call "the choking game"! A case could be made for all of these destructive behaviors being utilized for the purpose of numbing ourselves from emotional pain.

Many even have a blatant and abject disgust for anyone going through a weakened state of any kind. It is like our t.v. mentality has set us up to think that anything bad or painful someone is enduring should be resolved within thirty minutes or less!

Tommy and I are at a Trauma Seminar in Atlanta, Georgia for several days. Today, we heard from Colin Ross, M.D., a premier expert on dissociation, which is the "disorder" that comes when many of us have been exposed to severe trauma such that our systems are so overwhelmed, they have to essentially "run away" from the painful reality just to be able to cope with life itself. Though this "disorder" can be a God-send for the victim of major trauma, there comes a time when we need to put the pieces back together, facing them one by one so that we may become whole again.

Many psychological disorders, Ross says, are the subconscious attempt of our "wounded inner child" to distract us, numb us, even fill our minds with "magical thinking" so that what was evil and bad in our lives can be white-washed into "what we wish the outcome could be" instead of having to face the vile reality into which we often have been thrown. So, unwittingly, we oft may be making ourselves emotionally ill just to avoid the inevitable pain we must face in our lives!

Ross says, like the alcoholic who finally realizes he must "say 'no' to his drug" and set about working through his "12 steps," so too, we must give up, or "say 'no' to" whatever has become our "numbing" agent, and do the real work to grapple with that evil reality which has intruded upon our lives, whatever it is.

We have to learn to rescue ourselves. As he says, the problem with any addiction or numbing agent is that it is essentially an avoidant strategy. And as long as we are suppressing the truth and not dealing with it, there is no "cure." If we suppress the truth, shut it down, and put a lid on it, it cannot come out into the light where it could be healed. Then there is no comfort for it. There is no healing pathway. There is no help to be found.

And it is going to be the rare and exceptional person who can face these toxic realities head on, learn to accept them, and learn to get genuine comfort for our wounded selves.

And it will be the even more exceptional and rare person indeed who can be supportive of, and tender to us in our grappling with the hell into which we have been thrown with our severe circumstances that come with our child-loss.

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch.com

Thursday's Therapy - Viktor Frankl: Meaning Therapy - Turning "a Mess into a Message"

Thursday's Therapy

Viktor Frankl: Meaning Therapy

Turning "a Mess into a Message"

Logotherapy: A Meaning-Centered Psychotherapy

Tommy and I went to a graduate school (which is where we met!) in Atlanta, Georgia at a time when there were only three graduate schools in the country whose purpose was to integrate psychology and Christianity. Today, as I read of psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor, tell his amazing story in the book Man's Search for Meaning, I am amazed that we did not study his work within our curriculum as it holds the heart and soul of the integration work we were trained to do.

In his chapter, "Logotherapy in a Nutshell," Frankl describes the difference in his unique approach to psychotherapy. (Frankl was a psychiatrist before and after he was imprisoned by the Germans into four of their concentration camps for three years.) Logotherapy is in essence Meaning Therapy, a meaning-centered psychotherapy. Frankl clarifies the basis of the term "Logotherapy": "Logos is a Greek word," Frankl says "which denotes 'meaning.'"

"(I)n logotherapy, the patient is actually confronted with and reoriented toward the meaning of his life... According to logotherapy, this striving to find a meaning in one's life is the primary motivational force in man."

For those of you familiar with the history of psychology, starting with the infamous Sigmund Freud, you will appreciate Frankl's comparison of theories:

Frankl states,

"According to logotherapy, this striving to find a meaning in one's life is the primary motivational force in man.

"That is why I speak of a will to meaning in contrast to the pleasure principle (or, as we could also term it, the will to pleasure) on which Freudian psychoanalysis is centered, as well as in contrast to the will to power on which Adlerian psychology, using the term 'striving for superiority,' is focused."

His premise for his type of psychotherapy is,

"Man's search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life and not a 'secondary rationalization' of instinctual drives. This meaning is unique and specific in that it must and can be fulfilled by him alone; only then does it achieve a significance which will satisfy his own will to meaning."

He explains,

"(A)s for myself, I would not be willing to live merely for the sake of my 'defense mechanisms,' nor would I be ready to die merely for the sake of my 'reaction formations.'

"Man, however, is able to live and even to die for the sake of his ideals and values!"

Perhaps we child-loss grievers can best relate to the following study's conclusion:

Frankl relates,

"A public-opinion poll was conducted a few years ago in France. The results showed that 89 percent of the people polled admitted that man needs 'something' for the sake of which to live.

Moreover, 61 percent conceded that there was something, or someone, in their own lives for whose sake they were even ready to die....

"Another statistical survey, of 7,948 students at forty-eight colleges, was conducted by social scientists from Johns Hopkins University. Their preliminary report is part of a two-year study sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health. Asked what they considered 'very-important' to them now, 16 percent of the students checked 'making a lot of money'; 78 percent said their first goal was 'finding a purpose and meaning to my life.'"

Frankl explains, "(Logotherapy) tries to make the patient aware of what he actually longs for in the depth of his being. Logotherapy deviates from psychoanalysis insofar as it considers man a being whose main concern consists in fulfilling a meaning, rather than in the mere gratification and satisfaction of drives and instincts, or in merely reconciling the conflicting claims of id, ego and superego, or in the mere adaptation and adjustment to society and environment."

*****

Meaning, with or without Happiness...

When my mother was in her last days, she had some amazing helpers who came to the house to stay with her when we, her adult children, could not be there. One was Shirley ~ Shirley felt inspired to be there and felt she was on, in her words, "a mission from God" to help my mother, and help her she did, ever serving her, even serving her her favorite foods that Shirley would cook especially for her, but also loving her in intangible ways, keeping her spirits up...

(Aging persons can begin to wonder what their life is worth given they no longer feel "useful" to society or even to their family as they once did when they were busy serving their every need. - My mother once expressed this to me, and I told her,

"You have no idea the power you have in our lives, that just a little bit of time next to you, loving you and being loved by you, means the absolute world to us!"

I later wrote a poem to her about that very subject reminding her of her amazing impact on me every minute I was privileged to be with her. She asked me to read that poem over and over to her, and she would clap through it every time I read it :)

~Such sweet times together, I am so thankful for so many sweet memories.)

Shirley loved her in other many intangible ways, talking to her about us, her children, and about our lives, reminding my mother for whom she had sacrificed her entire life, reinforcing her remembrance that she had such an ennobling life of love and investment of herself into us, her beloved children.

She often invited my mother to pray, and I was witness to some of the most amazing prayers coming from my mother's precious soul. So there were constant reminders to my mother that life is so much greater even than just this life; that the life to come ennobles all the suffering here. There were reminders that the God she would be going to is the God who had always been faithful to her, in her happy times, and in her sad or suffering times. And my mother's fighting through her ever-weakening body was commended and praised, reminding her there is even meaning in the fight for strength. Shirley was and is amazing to me, and I will be forever grateful to her for her influence on my mother, and on my family.

Mother's other helper was Ping, and her gentleness, patience and perseverance with my mother was amazing to watch as well. Ping is from China; he told us of the communist days of China and what it was like to suffer in that repressive environment, and then in her last days in China where communism had been defeated but there was dictatorial repression. One day as she relaxed with my mother, my son Nathan, and me, she noted that in America, we seemed always to be smiling, even in all our pictures taken, and she wondered why there was such an emphasis on this need to always be happy. Her insights gave a new perspective to me amidst my own suffering.

One of Dr. Frankl's proteges, Edith Weisskopf-Joelson, actually had been a professor at my own university there in my hometown of Athens, Georgia: The University of Georgia (many years before I was there). Dr. Frankl quoted her several times in his book; she had some enlightening things to say about this emphasis on happiness in our culture:

"To the European, it is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to "be happy."

And then Dr. Frankl and she had some enlightening words that gave a glimpse of understanding of what we child-loss grievers are up against in this happy-fixated culture:

Dr. Frankl said,

"(E)ven the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by so doing change himself. He may turn a personal tragedy into a triumph,"

Dr. Frankl then quoted Edith Weisskopf-Joelson's words expressing the hope that logotherapy

"may help counteract certain unhealthy trends in the present-day culture of the United States, where the incurable sufferer is given very little opportunity to be proud of his suffering and to consider it ennobling rather than degrading" so that "he is not only unhappy, but also ashamed of being unhappy."

Amen sister! It is hard enough to be hurting over the loss of our baby; how hard then to have to experience those who should be loving and supportive of us essentially shaming us (whether wittingly or unwittingly) for having to live such a painful existence without our child! Thank goodness there are those wise and loving creatures like Dr. Frankl and like Edith Weisskopf-Joelson who "get it" and know that life is about so much more than transient happiness...

*****

Loving our child, even if losing them,

is a "raison d'être" that gives

our lives a beautiful and

redemptive meaning, such that...

"Only God can turn

a MESS into a message,

a TEST into a testimony,

a TRIAL into a triumph,

a VICTIM into a victory."

~ GirlFromParis / Tumblr

Quote from Girl from Paris / Tumblr

Viktor Frankl content from his book Man's Search for Meaning, (1946), written one year after leaving three-year vigil at the German concentration camps of the Holocaust

Thursday's Therapy - 10 Helpful Tips About Trauma: Since Child-Loss Grief is All about Trauma!

Thursday's Therapy

10 Helpful Tips About Trauma:

Since Child-Loss Grief is All about Trauma!

For any trauma survivor, past, present, or future, the ultimate challenge always is to persevere emotionally in the face of horrendous experience no matter how or when it occurs...

I now know intimately that grief and loss resulting from traumatic events stab the soul like a dagger. It leaves the self initially stunned... Then, like a flood, the magnitude of the event's essence rushes in, shocking the physical self and the mind. Emotional waves swell and assail the psyche, leaving the body feeling like a battered shell that has lost part of itself, its spirit. The human spirit often fights hard against such attacks and then ebbs against a tide of rising despair, emotional peaks and lows often typifying its pattern.

~Linda Daniels, Healing Journeys

*****

Ten Helpful Tips About Trauma:

• Our bodies don't lie. Trauma leaves "footprints" on the body as well as in every other part of our lives.
• A high level of trauma leaves people feeling overly sensitive to just about everything. We will be particularly sensitive to anything that reminds us of the trauma {I would add, or that might complicate our child-loss grief and trauma further}. These reminders are called triggers, and when we are triggered, we will often revert to feelings and behaviors that were present in earlier traumatizing situations.
• When things are too much for us to stay present, we find a way to leave, even if only psychologically. Dissociation is a pattern of splitting off some part of yourself when you are uncomfortable. It is a response to a consciously or unconsciously felt threat. When you are dissociated, you will generally feel spacey, find it hard to think or feel, and feel disconnected from your body.
• Another defense is simply to numb yourself so that you don't feel. If you're (numbing yourself from the traumatic reality), you don't need to "leave."
• Often there are cognitive losses that accompany trauma, and you may sometimes wonder what's wrong with your brain.
• Memories of traumatic events are often like shards that have shattered everywhere. Our memories come in bits and pieces, usually in ways that are far too intense.It is not normal memory that is operating when you are recalling trauma.
• Very rarely could we have done something to prevent our trauma. Yet the helplessness of the situation is hard to bear, so we often blame ourselves and feel guilt rather than feel at the mercy of forces we can't control.
• We contract in trauma to become a smaller target, and tragically, we often stay contracted, in very small lives, in an unconscious attempt to stay safe.
• Often we feel vulnerable and unprotected because our energetic boundaries* are in some way still broken.
• Trauma rocks your world. It can be hard to imagine how others go along so blithely, creating their futures, as if one could control that. Those who have experienced a lot of trauma don't have this basic confidence in things working out. This makes it much harder to rest in the world.

*(energetic boundaries) - When we're healthy, there is an energetic boundary that surrounds the body and helps us feel safe. When the boundary is ruptured (as by traumatic violation), we feel unprotected and vulnerable.

With ruptured boundaries, we often feel overstimulated by our environment and become drained quickly. There may also be a feeling of being totally exposed, as if you have no skin.

Trauma victims tend to feel like outsiders... (T)hey may sense that there are obvious differences in the quality of their daily life years after the trauma. Where life seems to hold out plums to others, it gives the pits to victims of trauma. Our trust and sense of safety has often been stolen, relationships become more complicated, and we struggle with simple things that others take for granted (like a good night's sleep....)

We aren't part of the "American dream" (however mythical it may be).

When you feel that you aren't like everyone else or feel (damaged) by what has happened to you, it's hard to be optimistic about the future. In fact, for many survivors, it's nearly impossible to imagine the future at all.

Many of us are caught in a state where we're still just trying to survive... and can't think much beyond that. Time for us is frozen and the future feels hazy at best.

~Jasmin Lee Cori, Healing from Trauma, (highlights, mine)

~Linda Daniels, PsyD., Healing Journeys: How Trauma Survivors Learn to Live Again, page 5.

~Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC, Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life, pages 48-50.

Thursday's Therapy - A Test for, and Some Treatment for, Our Disoriented Brains ~Frank Lawlis, Ph.D.

Thursday's Therapy

TRAUMA Therapy Toolbox

A Test for, and Some Treatment for

Our Disoriented Brains

~Frank Lawlis, Ph.D.

(Disoriented due to enduring the rigors of Child-Loss Trauma)

I was in mid-sentence with a client last night when I totally forgot where I was going with an example I was using...

Watching the Arkansas-Ohio State game later last night (a nail-biter game for any SEC fan!), I was talking with Tommy, and I had totally forgotten that our two home teams (Georgia-mine, Tennessee-his) had already played their bowl games for this season (both of which I watched and cheered for!).

Granted, I am going through Double-Grief right now, having lost my precious 19-year-old daughter just four years ago, and now, just eight days ago, losing my precious mother. But I can tell, my brain is definitely feeling the after-shocks of severe loss and is quite disoriented at times...

Tommy and I are reading through a book from a renowned psychologist that offers hope and guidance for us trauma/PTSD-sufferers:

The PTSD Breakthrough: The Revolutionary, Science-Based Compass Reset Program

by Dr. Frank Lawlis.

We thought we would pass along to you some of what we are learning - First, in the form of a test by which you can self-test to determine where your own brain is in terms of feelings of disorientation, and Second, with some advice from Dr. Frank Lawlis in how to begin helping our brains along in the paths of recovery from our Child-Loss trauma.

Here are some excerpts from his book:

*****

Do You Have a Disoriented Brain?

This phase is where the strategic and empowering aspects... are so critical. The first step is to determine if you indeed have areas within your brain that need to be reoriented. To do this, (Dr. Lawlis has) identified several thinking patterns that impair brain processing, and developed a questionnaire to help you identify if you are having a problem in those areas. This test allows you to become aware of the possibility that your brain may not be operating at its full potential.

Note how the following statements pertain to you by marking Always True (AT), Sometimes True (ST), Rarely True (RT), or Never True (NT).

1. I feel that I am a misfit in my community and family.

AT ST RT NT

1. I feel numb to my emotions

AT ST RT NT

1. I just can't stop my mind from entering a flood of rage toward others, even for little things.

AT ST RT NT

1. I get very obsessive about wanting things done my way.

AT ST RT NT

1. I can't sleep because my mind keeps ruminating about something.

AT ST RT NT

1. I want to be alone and away from everybody.

AT ST RT NT

1. No one really understands me; I don't understand myself.

AT ST RT NT

1. I am easily distracted by other events.

AT ST RT NT

1. I have trouble listening or even caring about what another person is saying to me.

AT ST RT NT

1. I have nightmares.

AT ST RT NT

1. I have fears about irrational things, such as closed or open places and people.

AT ST RT NT

1. I am angry and can't shake the emotion.

AT ST RT NT

Scoring: Assign a score of 3 to every AT you circled, a 2 to every ST, and a 1 for every RT, and total all of the twelve items for a score within the range of 0-36. Compare your scores to the following ranges:

24 -- 36 Your brain is disoriented to the point that you do not trust yourself.

18 -- 23 Your brain is disoriented for some problems in your life.

11 -- 17 There are some areas in which you get confused.

0 -- 10 Your brain appears to be oriented to the point that you are not being confused.

If you scored 11 or higher, (there are) techniques designed to get you back on track (hopefully, we can cover some of these next week). (Dr. Lawlis says he) can be very positive that this phase will be successful for you, but it does require commitment.

*****

(Another excerpt follows:)

Vitamins and Minerals to Nurture Your Brain

(A) cornerstone of brain healing is the proper intake of vitamins and minerals. To help an injured brain get better faster, it is essential to give it good nutrients in the form of vitamins and minerals, but you must choose them carefully (to ensure highest quality). ...I will recommend several of the best supplements, but you should also use your judgment as to which you think would be most helpful for you. When purchasing them, insist on pharmaceutical-quality ingredients and recommended health-food brands, which can be purchased at most drug stores.

Omega-3 Fatty Acids

At the front line of the brain healing process is neurogenesis, the rebirthing of nerve cells. Research shows that omega-3 fatty acids, which are abundant in certain fish and plant foods, can aid in this regeneration of brain cells. Omega-3 fatty acids help insulate the neurons in the brain, which increases the speed of nerve impulses and connections, thereby increasing the rate of healing at the biological level. They are also known to combat depression, enhance learning and memory, and serve as major aids to brain plasticity (creating new neuropathways needed for constructive changes in the brain).

Omega-3 fatty acids are found mostly in plant foods such as flax, soybeans, and vegetables. They are also found in fish: just a four-ounce portion of salmon twice a week serves about five grams of omega-3, which is the amount recommended for brain food...

Thiamine (Vitamin B-1)

This substance helps manufacture acetylcholine, one of the brain's major messengers known as neurotransmitters. It triggers the metabolic process that helps the brain better use the food available to it. Even if you consume high amounts of fish, if you don't get a little B-1, there is little chance of improvement in brain health. The very best place to find vitamin B-1, is in nuts and grains.

Vitamin D

This is the sunshine vitamin (named for its development in the skin when exposed to the sun), which is vital to the brain and has been considered as a possible factor in fending off Alzheimer's disease. Vitamin D is critical in maintaining the ratio of calcium and phosphorus, critical to promotion of growth for nerve cells. Vitamin D has also been reported as a major helper of the hippocampus, the primary memory control center of the brain, and it is therefore very effective in the healing process of brain injury.

Lawlis goes on to recommend s

Other Supplements that can help improve your memory retention:

Acetyl-L-carnitine (dosage up to 1000 mg a day) has been shown to promote the activity of two neurotransmitters, acetylcholine and dopamine, both of which improve the communication among the parts of the brain, which enhances creativity and higher-level problem solving, reflex speed, and efficiency.

Alpha-glycerylphosphosphorylcholine (Alpha-GPC) (400 mg three times daily) is rich in choline, the major ingredient in chicken eggs that has been shown to raise IQ scores. It combines glycerol and phosphate, which protects the brain cell membranes, thereby producing better memory. It also appears to have amazing recuperative properties for stroke patients in the areas of intellectual functioning, making it a major candidate for other brain injuries as well.

Choline (1,500 mg daily) is widely applauded as a mental stimulant that makes you smarter. It is prodced within your body from two amino acids, methionine and serine, with help from vitamin B-12 and folic acid.

Ginseng (follow dosage on bottle) gets a lot of attention for promoting good health and mental alertness, but it can also be quite corrupted in quality. There are reports of some unethical suppliers out there. Ginseng contains ginsenosides, which stimulate the brain's neurotransmitters so that it can synthesize proteins optimally for brain fuel. Many studies have found evidence of its power to stimulate mental capacities.

Rhodiola (follow dosage on bottle) is a Siberian herb that soldiers have used for stamina and has shown excellent results in mental states, especially depression. I have seen it help patients improve more quickly from a series of brain complications, but there are no studies readily available to show the actions it takes on the cellular level.

Dr. Lawlis then emphasizes

(A Main) Cornerstone of Brain Healing is found in the power of Sleep.

Sleep is the best way for your mind and body to recover from any problem.

Unfortunately, lack of sleep or the ability to experience peaceful sleep is one of the biggest problems people suffering from PTSD must deal with. This is because the PTSD brain has been tormented and programmed only to survive... In order to fully function, you must experience each of the five stages of sleep each night:

Stage 1: Transition Sleep (time when you first fall asleep - ideally only 2-5 percent of a normal night of sleep)

Stage 2: Roller Coaster of Levels of restoration cycles - usually approximately 45-60 percent of sleep)

Stages 3 and 4: Delta Sleep - This is the "deepest" stage of sleep (contrary to the popular belief that REM sleep is the deepest, which is not true) and is what a sleep-deprived person's brain craves the most. In adults, it can last from 15 to 30 minutses. (In children, it can occupy up to 40 percent of all sleep time.)

Stage 5: Rapid Eye Movement (REM) Sleep is an active stage that comprises 20-25 percent of a normal night's sleep and is when vivid dreams can occur. It is called rapid eye movement sleep because if one watches a person in this stage, the eyes are visibly moving rapidly under the eyelids. After the REM stage, the body usually returns to stage 2 sleep. You can have many cycles through REM sleep.

...It is in these later stages of sleep that you start to gain physical restoration. In the even deeper stages of delta and especially REM sleep, your brain has the ability to find resolutions to its built-up stresses.

Dr. Lawlis says once you have healed the physical damage to the brain (through proper brain "food" and proper sleep for example), the next step in recovery is to restore the connections in your brain that allow you to function in normal life. He refers to this phase as the "broken arm" stage of PTSD. If you have every broken your arm (or any part of your body that moves), you know that when the cast is taken off it hurts to bend it. It is like you have to learn to use it all over again. This is because while you aren't using your arm, the nerves in your muscles detach from the bundle that controls your arm and hook up with a bundle that is more active. Your other arm might get stronger because it is more active and gets ore attention from the brain. But once the cast is off, your body has to learn to use the other arm again. ~The same is true for your brain.

Hopefully next week, we can examine some of these "Broken-Arm" Techniques Dr. Lawlis suggests for us to use to help get our brains back into good working order for normal day-to-day activities after going through its very strenuous work of dealing with the complicated trauma that comes with Child-Loss Grief.

Content from The PTSD Breakthrough: The Revolutionary, Science-Based Compass Reset Program by Dr. Frank Lawlis