Showing posts with label "Love's Immensity". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "Love's Immensity". Show all posts

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Friday's Faith - Fatherhood... What Does a Father's Love Look Like?







Friday's Faith


Fatherhood...


What Does a Father's Love Look Like?






This morning Tommy was talking to our middle child, our son Nathan, who was expressing concern about his older brother Rollin who is soon (God-willing) going to be a new father. (!) {Yes! I am soon to become a Grandmother :) Sweet!}


Nathan was concerned that the adjustments to becoming a responsible father might be rather challenging for Rollin and voiced this by saying,


"I can't believe Rollin's gonna be a father. Well, I guess he needs to get used to changing diapers, and once he gets used to that, he'll be okay..."


(Talk about a naive, one-dimensional view of fatherhood!) Tommy disavowed him of such a simplistic view of fatherhood:


"You think that's the hard part?! That's the easy part! Changing diapers is the easy part compared to everything else...


"It's like you have to become a member of the Special Forces, in being in a state of high alert and being ready for anything at all times!"



He recounted a few incidents from their childhood to illustrate his point:



"Mommy and I had stepped out onto the patio outside the den of our first house when Rollin was about two years old and was busy playing just inside the house in the den..."


He went on to describe what I too remembered happening:


With his back to the opened glass door in the den, Tommy had overheard the pitter patter of little feet behind him, so he looked around and saw Rollin on his little push-car riding as fast as he could, heading straight for the opened glass doors and out toward the patio which was a good foot down (with two stairs down) between the den and the patio. But when Rollin got caught on the bottom lip of the sliding glass door tray-


his car abruptly came to a stop while Rollin's body came flying out the door...


At the same time Tommy was yelling, "NO!!!" he flew over to the patio door and caught Rollin's face in mid-air before it could hurl headlong past the two steps and down onto the concrete patio floor...



*****



Then he recounted a memory of when Nathan was almost two, and he had climbed up the flight of stairs in the basement of our "new" house, and he was so proud of himself that when he got to the top step, he stood straight up and threw his hands straight up into the air (as if he were signaling a touchdown), which made him lose his balance, and his upper body started leaning backwards, back down toward the flight of steps ...


Tommy was up at the top of the stairs urging Nathan on, when,


in alarm, he saw Nathan falling backwards almost out of his reach.


Though Tommy's eyes showed alarm, his mind was working double-time - SAVE THE CHILD WITHOUT FREAKING HIM OUT SO THAT HE WOULD BECOME DEATHLY AFRAID OF EVER CLIMBING THE STAIRS AGAIN. - So, Tommy made a game out of it while grabbing Nathan quickly out of danger...


Nathan says now, the beginning to fall backwards didn't scare him as much as seeing the sudden terror written all over his daddy's face...!



*****



Then he described the following incident that occurred when Merry Katherine was around three or four years old.


We were next door with all three kids at the neighbor's pool, when Tommy saw Merry Katherine walking down the side of the pool, headed straight for the deep end of the pool. Instinctually, he knew she was headed for the water. He was coming up out of his chair as she had just begun to jump into the water. (Nathan says - "It was like he was reading her mind, knowing exactly what she was planning to do...")


Springing out of the chair, Tommy was over to the side of the pool, scooping her up before she could even be afraid --


As she plunged under, he grabbed her straight up.


The boys said it seemed like it all happened in less than a second. Merry Katherine didn't even know she had been in any danger...



*****



Tommy continued clarifying the real dilemmas of being a father to Nathan by saying,


"Then the real fun began when you all became teenagers..."


At that exhausting note, Tommy walked up the stairs to finish his coffee, already worn out before the day had even begun...



*****


When Tommy told me about this conversation he had had with Nathan, I said,


"Isn't that interesting? They consume our lives when they're with us, and they continue to consume our lives when they leave us, (referring to Merry Katherine's having been killed, as our lives are now consumed with grieving her)."


Then I flashed to our Heavenly Father loving each one of us, His children, to an even greater degree!


And I began tearing up when I remembered His disclaimer in Scripture:



"And you think I would leave any one of my lambs behind if they got lost? No! I would leave the 99 lambs who didn't need Me, and go to whatever heights or depths needed to look high and low until I'd find that one little lost lamb who needs Me..."



(~my paraphrase of Luke 15:4)
















Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thursday's Therapy - Are You My Mother? - The Trauma of Abandonment





Thursday's Therapy


Are You My Mother?


The Trauma of Abandonment





All of us very involved parents are probably quite familiar with the children's story book, Are You My Mother? ~ A little bird is born when his mother is away from the nest, and so the little bird goes throughout his world looking at all kinds of different beings (cat, dog, cow, etc.) as well as objects (plane, bulldozer, boat, etc.) wondering, "Are you my mother? Are you my mother?" only to be disheartened to hear many of them denying that they are his mother. Finally, in the end, the little bird is happily united with his mother in a heart-warming wonderful celebration!



This story book came to mind as Tommy and I have looked at some abandonment issues in our hearts and in our relationship over the past few weeks.


Amidst the worst grief in the world that anyone could have to endure, that of child-loss grief, our hearts seem especially vulnerable to any other potential dangers and risks out there as we now know all-too-well that death CAN happen, and death DOES happen.





Tommy and I, in our child-loss grief, knew we would be searching every crowd to find our child, and even when not searching intentionally, we would spot "her" anyway, walking down the beach with her curly hair blowing in the breeze, walking down aisles in stores at the mall, even walking into nightclubs in the inner city when Tommy would play drums in a nightclub downtown....



What we d.i.d. n.o.t. realize we would be doing ~ again, not consciously, but at an unconscious level ~ is that we would be "searching" for other loving, nurturing people who could possibly be a substitute, a back-up, an escape-clause so-to-speak should something happen to one another: A "What would I do if anything ever happened to my precious spouse?!" kind of fear...




For example, we go to the mountains Monday to enjoy the changing colors of the leaves in these beautiful Tennessee mountains. What a breathtaking outing, such a refreshing change for our "right-brain-experiences," so needed to cope with grief ~being reminded as our Father God's hand in this world, His fingerprints left on each aspect of His creation ~ which I call "Love's Immensity..." that our Father God is over all and therefore is over us in our very bad heart-breaking grief as well!



So then, in the midst of such comforting, colorful fall sights, imagine my shock when in-the-act-of-celebrating-life-together-as-a-couple-in-God's-world, I catch a glimpse of what appears to me, to be Tommy's staring at an attractive woman out alone walking her beautiful dog... Now I think in any wife's mind in this hyper-sexualized culture, we would think immediately that such behavior would fall dangerously close to the "gaping" status at least if the gaze were prolonged or occurred multiple times. So, of course, I, in my vulnerable grieving-mother-state-of-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome complete with its hypervigilance for danger in any form to any part of my life that I hold dear -- such as a sweet relationship with my husband surmised that my husband was... yes, gaping.




So, I go into my own internal angst and consternation, and fight-or-flight mode while he is oblivious to my concerns. When we pull away from the mountain's overlook site where we had been parked when this happened, Tommy begins to wonder why I am quiet.... so he asks me. I didn't want the rest of my mountain sight-seeing tour to be ruined, so I said I don't want to talk about it right now. I think then, Tommy began to put two and two together and started beating up on himself internally that his actions might have hurt me.









Well, as you might well imagine the rest of the story (no, there is no arrow in his head!) in how this fiasco played out once we were able to talk about it, I won't go into those gory details. Actually, we didn't get into a brawl, it was more a hurt, then my distancing myself from him, and then completely retreating from his presence...








But then, like the "mature" counselors that we are (no, I did not stick his head in an alligator's mouth!), we did finally talk about the occurrence without too many fiery flaming darts being thrown. As our Lord says, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another..." or as counselors might say, "Speak the truth in love." {Much easier said than done of course!} So we were attempting to handle this potentially-volatile subject with one another as peaceably as we could. (It probably did help that I had packed my car, left the house to go away for a few days, but returned the same night because I missed him too badly! And all this after talking to my good friend to get some reality checks so I wouldn't do anything too crazy!)



Anyway, within this conversation that we finally attempted to have, Tommy said some key words that triggered a comparable experience on my part, giving me a recognition of what he was describing. He was self-disclosing, trying to accurately characterize his behavior at the overlook site in the mountains and said,


"I was not looking at this woman with lust in my heart for her. It more had something like 'seeds of abandonment' (issues) to it."


(And, to be fair to Tommy, in better days when our emotions are fairly steady, he is not really the "gaping type.")



I immediately knew what he was describing! A few times when I was feeling completely vulnerable in my grief, and also completely helpless (like when 3 bones of my pelvis were broken and I could do NOTHING unassisted, not even walk), I found myself "checking out" other men who came as close to who Tommy is as possible. It was a feeling sort of like ~If anything ever happens to Tommy and NOW I KNOW IT CAN HAPPEN I need to know there is at least one kind, loving, STRONG man out there who might possibly be able to help me ~ and unwittingly, I would be searching for that "person"...


Tommy continued to self-disclose, doing his best to "make the unconscious conscious" in order to clarify, so he said,


"This (checking out someone) only happens when I am with you."


And that too resonated with my experience. It was when I would be with Tommy that I would be very sensitized to how much I needed him and would miss him terribly if he weren't here that I would find an unconscious "clicking" going on inside my heart as I would spot someone who my heart must have thought could be his "double":


"Okay, that might work if anything ever happens to Tommy."


I remember feeling very strange that such triggers were even being set off inside my heart, but I never mentioned them to Tommy, thinking, "Well, that was an odd fluke."




Once we fleshed out what was likely occurring inside each of us from time-to-time during this incredibly difficult grief-process through which we are walking, we immediately flashed to other grieving couples to whom this might be happening as well. And we realized they might not be consciously aware of what their hearts may be trying to work out in a manner of "self-protective back-up plans for disaster" that our PTSD brings on, and we immediately felt compassion for them. We knew it would be way too easy in this highly sexualized culture, for partners possibly to jump to the wrong conclusions about such behavior, and so we decided to share this phenomenon with you, our readers.




Honestly, we think it would almost have to be two counselor-types, married to one another, and grieving the loss of their child, to sit down with one another and figure this kind of phenomenon out. Or, it might come out in a counseling session with a couple's counselor. Otherwise, it would be just too easy to react (in our PTSD-loaded system) and jump to the wrong conclusions, leaving the other partner to just feel he or she were a sick person to be staring at a member of the opposite sex....




The other amazing thing about this is that while on the trip, God whispered to my spirit, "Trust Me," at least a couple of times when I was getting so worked up over this incident. Then, during the trip, I wrote the poem about God always trumps what Satan will use for evil ~ that God will use it for our good and for His glory. (See this week's Tuesday's Trust for this poem.) And I realize, once again, God prevails, bringing sweet healing to our relationship, better understanding of our convoluted grief process, and even enabling us to bring new insights hard won insights to our fellow grievers! We truly hope our experience helps anyone who might possibly stumble into this potentially volatile phenomenon!














Are You My Mother, P. D. Eastman (1960, and yet still rated #5, #6, and #10 in Amazon 's rankings among children's books!)

Other images are thanks to Google.com/images

Monday, October 18, 2010

Tuesday's Trust - God's Coloring Book!






Tuesday's Trust

God's Coloring Book!



Mountain trip through fall's cool breeze,

Struck a-wonder by God's beauteous trees...

Through the mountains, through the woods,

Trees of every different texture, color,

Fingerprints of God's on each unique pattern,

Splashes of God's heralding intimacy

Cradled in His Love's Immensity!


So many colors leaves me questioning

"Could these woods be God's coloring book?!"



Brightest orange, lightest gold,

Burning bushes every one...

Sacred grounds...take off your shoes,

For it's holy ground ~

God is here in every view,

Every color, every hue,

Reminders of His love abound...




Bluest skies at the heights,

Purple mountains in dusky lights,

5000 feet, leaves are now down,

Coldest cold all around...

Stark, emptied, Death-filled trees...

Seem like Haunted, Grieving trees,

Longing... wistful for soft summer breeze...


Back down the mountain to regal golds,

O what beauty to behold,

Mountain tops come ever nearer,

Almost close enough to hold!

Range of colors ~ O what beauty,

God's at work ~ His Master-full duty.






Spicy aroma~blue woodruff fills the icy air,

Feels like we're breathing Heaven's air!

Yet, suddenly crosses appear

along the curvy colorful highway,

Symbols of grieving mothers nearby, somewhere...

God's beauty shines amidst Satan's crimes --

Evil designs amidst God's sublime...




Hush! Hear His voice come through the trees,

Whispering sounds on whispering leaves:



"My majesty abounds ~

Satan was defeated on My holy grounds!

Your children...lost, now are found!

Plant your feet on My solid ground!"



God of the earth

God of the mountain

Splashed life on my baby

From His holy fountain!





Mountain trip through fall's cool breeze,

Struck a-wonder by God's beauteous trees...

Daintiest textures to boldest bold,

Intricate handiwork to behold,

But the most beautiful miracle of all:

God's reminder ~ His love and beauty overcome all!




Satan's wicked plans and designs?

God trumps each with His own design.

No matter how many times it seems Vile One wins,

God shows His mercy again and again.




And even fall's finest intricacies

Pale in comparison to God's sweetest, warmest intimacies

He's designed for us to share

Despite living on earth amidst Death's icy stare.













Pictures: mine, taken 10/18/10 on Cherhola Highway in Cherokee National Forest, TN and NC
The cross picture is in memory of "Nathan Stewart," someone's precious boy I never knew.
Poem - God's Coloring Book! - Angie Bennett Prince - 10/18/10