Saturday's Sayings - Mother's Day Messages of Love from Across the Veil…

Saturday's Sayings

 Mother's Day Messages of Love from Across the Veil… 

Messages of Love

To, and From, 

Our Child in Heaven…

Parent to Child in Heaven:

Now that you are gone, 

my heart is broken.

But because you were once here,

it is completely filled with Love.

~~~~~

Child in Heaven to Parent:

Don't weep at my grave,

For I am not there,

I've a date with a butterfly

To dance in the air.

I'll be singing in the sunshine,

Wild and free,

Playing tag with the wind,

While I'm waiting for thee.

~Angels of the Heart

Picture, Author Unknown

(This particular writing makes me tear up; I can just see my Merry Katherine saying this…)

~~~~~

 Parent to Child in Heaven...

I heard your voice in the wind today

and I turned to see your face;

The warmth of the wind caressed me

as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today

as its warmth filled the sky;

I closed my eyes for your embrace

and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane

as I watched the falling rain;

It seemed as each raindrop fell

it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today

it made me feel complete;

You may have died...but you are not gone

you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines...

the wind blows...

the rain falls...

You will live on inside of me forever

for that is all my heart knows.

~ Bonnie Breuilly-Pike, 

"Under Orion's Sky...You Live" from "Dancing with the Spirits of Shadowplay"

"Holding Hands" painting by Judy Mackey

~~~~~

Child in Heaven to Parent:

I'm no longer by your side,

But there's no need to weep

I've left sweet recollections

I'm hoping you will keep.

Eternal joy and memories

stay in our hearts forever,

strengthening our special bond

That parting cannot sever.

And if times of loneliness

bring sorrow and dismay,

don't despair, for I am there

Just a memory away.

~ Rita S. Beer

Painting by Claire Clements

~~~~~

 Parent to Child in Heaven...

When I close my eyes

You are here

Your charisma, your cheer, your tenderness

I feel you here

When I close my eyes

You are with me

Your spirit, your beauty, your charm

I feel you with me

When I close my eyes

You are in my arms

Your warmth, your compassion, your love

I feel you in my arms

No matter how far apart

Nor what the circumstance

I feel you here with me, in my arms - always

When I close my eyes

~ W. Jason Duncan 

Painting by Hyatt Moore

~~~~~

Child in Heaven to Parent:

ALWAYS WITH YOU

Your heart may be heavy and aching,

Now that I'm no longer here.

But, though you may shed many tears,

Let memories banish your fear.

My arms are no longer around you.

My lips cannot speak of my love.

But, I'm with you in spirit each day,

As I look down from Heaven above.

The house may be silent without me.

It doesn't mean I can't be there.

And, every night that you sleep,

Our love, in your dreams, we still share.

As you continue, alone on earth,

I'll be with you each step of the way.

I can still be the strength that you need,

To carry you through each new day.

Although, I know you can't see me,

Our spirits are joined as before.

So, whenever you feel uplifted,

Know it's me just loving you more.

In Heaven, we're given a gift

To still tend to the ones left behind.

So, smile when you think of me.

I remain in your heart and your mind.

~ Marian Jones

Painting, Author Unknown

~~~~~

 Parent to Child in Heaven...

I remember everything about you

Your voice, your smile, your touch

The way you walked, the way you talked

The way you looked at me, meant so much

I remember all the words you said to me

Some funny, some kind, some wise

All of the things you did for me

I see now with different eyes

I remember every moment we shared

Seems like only yesterday

Or maybe it was eons ago

It's really hard to say

You are gone from me now

But one thing they can't take away

Your memory resides inside my heart

And lights up my darkest days

~ Author Unknown

"Mother and Child" painting by Claire Szalay

~~~~~

Child in Heaven to Parent:

You think I've gone, that I am dead, and life has lost it's will,

But look around, I am right there, living with you still

I watch your tears, I feel your pain - I see the things you do

I weep as well, each time you cry, my soul, it lives with you

It gives such joy to hear you laugh, and do the things you do

And when you smile o'er by gone days, I smile right with you too

For we're still one, just you and me, one mind, one soul, one being

Walking forward into life, though only you are seen

And in the stillness of the night, when the pain it really starts

Stretch out a little with your mind and draw me to your heart

For I am always right in there, always by your side

For you have been, all my life's days, my joy, my love, my pride.

~ Author Unknown

"Souls Journey" painting by Janice Chrysler

~~~~~

Parent to Child in Heaven:

It seems like only yesterday

I rocked you on my knee,

With dreams about the future and

What you were going to be.

You were so bright and happy

Such a precious little boy,

You gave your love to everyone

And filled our hearts with joy.

Strangers would admire you

And stop to say hello,

"He'll break a lot of hearts," they said,

"In twenty years or so."

But less than twenty years from then,

What they said came true,

As we were forced against our will

To say goodbye to you.

A life so short and unfulfilled,

With so much left to go,

"Why, oh why?" we ask ourselves,

When we all loved you so.

Life shows us many options,

But whichever path we take

The destination's still the same

Whatever choice we make.

So many questions flood our minds,

"What if, and Why and How?"

If we had done things differently,

Would you still be with us now?

I don't know what the lesson was

That you were sent here to learn,

But now your purpose is fulfilled

It's time for you to return.

When I hear the phone ring

I expect to hear you say,

"Alright Mom? What're you doing,

Can I come 'round today?"

But you don't need to ask now,

You're with us every day,

Within our hearts, our minds, our souls,

Your memory will stay.

No fear, no pain or sorrow,

Can touch you anymore

But the love you've left behind,

Will live with us forever more.

~ Jan Andersen

"Mother and Child" painting by Karen Reitsma

~~~~~

Child in Heaven to Parent:

...But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.

I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before…

When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind;

I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind…

There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;

But together we can do it by taking one day at a time…

And when its time for you to go...from that body to be free,

Remember you're not going...you're coming here to me.

~ Ruth Ann Mahaffey

Painting, Author Unknown

~~~~~

Parent to Child in Heaven...

So go and run free with the angels

Dance around the golden clouds

For the Lord has chosen you to be with (H)im

And we should feel nothing but proud

Although (H)e has taken you from us

And our pain a lifetime will last

Your memory will never escape us

But make us glad for the time we did have

Your face will always be hidden

Deep inside our hearts

Each precious moment you gave us

Shall never, ever depart

So go and run free with the angels

As they sing so tenderly

And please be sure to tell them

To take good care of you for me

~ Author Unknown

"Angel Light" painting by Marina Petro

(Capitalizations of Deity pronouns, mine)

Thank you to The Far Side of the Rainbow/Facebook 
for all of the writings and paintings used today!

You may find the individual entries below:



#1)
https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1075743665801076/?type=3&theater


#2)

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1067050356670407/?type=3&theater

#3)

~Angels of the Heart

Picture, Author Unknown

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1047186231990153/?type=3&theater

#4)

~ Bonnie Breuilly-Pike, "Under Orion's Sky...You Live" from "Dancing with the Spirits of Shadowplay"

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1041673662541410/?type=3&theater

"Holding Hands" painting by Judy Mackey

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/940952392613538/?type=3&theater

#5)

~ Rita S. Beer

Painting by Claire Clements

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1022273421148101/?type=3&theater

#6)

~ W. Jason Duncan 

Painting by Hyatt Moore

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1009616129080497/?type=3&theater

#7)

~ Marian Jones

Painting, Author Unknown

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1028883013820475/?type=3&theater

#8)

~ Author Unknown

"Mother and Child" painting by Claire Szalay

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/997224710319639/?type=3&theater

#9)

~ Author Unknown

"Souls Journey" painting by Janice Chrysler

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/967070473335063/?type=3&theater

#10)

Writing: ~ Jan Andersen

"Mother and Child" painting by Karen Reitsma

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/986539304721513/?type=3&theater

#11)

Writing: ~Ruth Ann Mahaffey

Painting, Author Unknown

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1075739515801491/?type=3&theater

#12)
Writing: ~Author Unknown
"Angel Light" painting by Marina Petro

https://www.facebook.com/farsideoftherainbow/photos/a.265765910132193.59124.259827837392667/1008157489226361/?type=3&theater

Wednesday's Woe - War Between the States: When Words’ Effect Berates…

Wednesday's Woe

War Between the States:

When Words’ Effect Berates…

The Importance of Not Comparing a

Death of Order (such as Child Losing a Mother), 

complicated though that may be, with a 

Death Out of Order (Mother Losing a Child)

War Between the States

Your state: Denial— 

My state: Under Fire

For still loving my dead child.

Clueless to my pain,

Doing what you do—

I cannot be around you.

Simply loving you—

I reach out to care,

But you stab me with a spear!

Blind to Child-Loss pain:

My heart you disdain—

(Its vulner’bility scares…)

Then words start to fly:

War declared ‘tween you and me

Slaughtering my heart…

Love must rear its head:

Declare— Our fellowship, “Dead!”

Camellias blooming blood red…

Moral of Story:

(No more words impart

To further grieve th’ mother’s heart!!!)

Interesting Note, the Japanese word for Red Camellia, Tsubaki, or 椿, has the meaning, 

“In Love, Perishing with grace”! 

So Apropos!

~~~

Having just read the book _life after the death of my son: what i’m learning_ written by grieving father Dennis Apple, I was inspired to turn again to poetry, using both sides of my brain to try to capture the essence of what just had transpired between me and a family-of-origin member whose words were extremely hurtful to me.* 

Dennis Apple, on page 163 of his book, so aptly says the following words in regard to writing a haiku about some of our Death-of-Child experience: {Uncannily, it also describes the essence of my attempted conversation with the family member who was pushing me to move on, and stay away from (what he deemed as) “unnecessary” pain, and “unbeneficial” pain.)

“There are many who would think this exercise morbid. If you feel it would be helpful to you, do not let their feelings about it discourage you.”

Amen, brother. Amen!

Regarding the writing of the above haiku, I make the following notes to some of the exceptions taken to the typical haiku poem originated by the Japanese:

*Inspired by Dennis and Buelah Apple, I am using the “Haiku” style poem, although I am varying lines of 5- and 7-syllables in an attempt to describe some aspects of my grief (leaving out as Dennis and his wife often did, the usual haiku ingredient of using a seasonal word in at least one of the triplet lines (although I did use a seasonal phrase in my final triplet), as well as my own choosing to leave out the traditional format of the 7-syllable line being the middle line of the triplets. I also use some rhyming which a typical haiku rarely does).

Camellia notations and picture from

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanakotoba

(found at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanakotoba )

Thursday's Therapy - "Breaking Bad" Grief Therapy ~Dr. Joanne Cacciatore alerts...

Thursday's Therapy

"Breaking Bad" 

Grief Therapy

~Dr. Joanne Cacciatore alerts...

Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Holy Longing is Yours: Caveat emptor

(massman: noun,  an average, typical, or ordinary man :  a prototype of the mass society especially when regarded as lacking individuality or social responsibility, as drawing his stereotyped ideas from the mass media, and as easily manipulated by economic, social, or cultural elites)

Every week, I have the privilege to hold a discussion about grief with colleagues Dr. Geoff Warburton & therapist Megan Devine, two dear friends who simply 'get it.'

Both have experienced grief from the inside during the course of their lives and have now devoted themselves to the practice of grief counseling.

We share a sentiment about grief in Western culture. That is, in general, grief is widely misunderstood, castigated, affronted, and bypassed in practice, theory, the media, and even in some spirituality.  Most recently, we discussed the spiritual bypass, and a more thorough triadic diatribe about this topic is forthcoming. I digress (as usual)...

Fast forward to today.

Another dear friend, a medical doctor and researcher in Canada working in refugee health (note: plenty of grief and trauma in this population), recently attended a conference in the U.S.  One of the days in this conference was devoted to "bereavement care".

She was so upset by what she'd heard that she abruptly exited two workshops that were intended to help grieving parents.

She sent me some of the materials to review and I shared her deep concerns. Actually, I was mystified and astonished.

Two clinicians who were presented posited "therapies" which were not only (less than) pseudo-science but more than that: They are potentially harmful to the bereaved.  Their suggested "interventions" may even further disenfranchise, stigmatize, and pathologize normal, albeit painful, traumatic grief.   Their strategies promoted the "unfeeling" and "unseeing"and even medicating of grief... precisely the opposite of what research in traumatic grief suggests as most efficacious, and it was some of the most 'unmindful' and experientially avoidant propaganda I have ever seen.

Experiential avoidance (that is the chronic turning away from or distracting of painful emotions/memories unconsciously), in fact, in the SCIENTIFIC literature is closely linked with substance abuse, physical illness, and other maladaptive behaviors and affect. 

Look, I get it.

Clinicians are not often researchers so they may or may not be able to discern the rigor of a study's outcomes. Many of them don't even have time to read the research and may not understand methodology.

So, herein lies the dilemma: Bad therapy happens. And bad therapy isn't just bad therapy- it's not like a bad haircut. These are people's lives. And not just any people. The most vulnerable population on earth.  Very, very dangerous, indeed.

So here is a rare offering of advice - maybe an invitation - for bereaved persons: caveat emptor.

Be careful with whom you share your grief.

Be careful with whom you share your grief.

Be careful with whom you share your grief.

And be wary of advice wielding, arrogant "clinicians" who think they know it all.

The clinicians who know best are the ones who admit they know nothing. The best therapists are the ones who admit their impotence in the face of such trauma and suffering. They are the ones who say, "There aren't words... I have no cure... And I will join you in the abyss..."

They are some duplicitous charlatans who are out to exploit. But there are also many well-intended who can harm you and me and us all. They often don't read or understand the research, they believe what others in positions of authority tell them without question, they may not be prone to dialectical thinking, and they often pretend to know the unknowable. Even if unwittingly, they end up preying on those who are desperate for any help, presenting themselves as the experts.

They are on the internet, on Facebook, at conferences, in clinical interactions, and in the grocery store.

Western culture, by its nature, promotes the use of nearly any strategy to bypass grief. Drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, food, gambling, exercise, work, any distraction you can name. Even therapy.  But the sages knew what we seem to have forgotten in contemporary society: No 'intervention' and no interventionist can 'cure' your grief.  There is no panacea. You are not broken, you are broken hearted. And as Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk said 'there is no more whole heart than a broken heart.' 

You are not in need of repair. No alphabet soup intervention (ABC therapy, XYZ medication) and, certainly, no drug can assuage your grief.  The only way is through, and the only way through is with loving, nonjudgmental support, good self care and self compassion, and some other things demonstrated in the literature to be helpful in coping with, not eradicating, grief. And frankly, the source of many concerns about the prolongation of grief resides within our own social groups- others pressuring mourners to 'get over it,' 'move on', 'feel better.' Others who do not remember with us. Others who ostracize us and treat us as lepers. This kind of social reaction is not helpful, and actually is quite isolating and harmful for grievers. So let's focus on an intervention for a sick and intolerant culture that coerces us into believing we are entitled to happiness and comfort and immortality at all times and at all costs.

So if you need some extra support because you are feeling lonely, withdrawn, and confused, that help can come from those who are innate helpers from within your circle of friends/family/faith community and/or from those trained to help you to integrate your grief..., not push it away, decry, avoid, repress, or otherwise deflect it.  Surround yourself with others who have a "PhD" or "MD" or advance degree in common-sense and loving kindness.

Hell, I've seen animals give better 'therapy' than plenty of 'therapists.'

Again my unsolicited advice: Do not believe everything a so-called professional tells you. If it offends your soul, follow Whitman's advice and "dismiss" it.  Rather, trust the wisdom of your own grief. Get help if and when you need it from others who will embrace and uphold you and who understand what SCIENCE says about trauma, grief, and love. Yes, love.

Little in this conference's literature I read as it related to grief was based in science. And, nothing in any of the literature I read from this "conference" felt like love. And this saddens me beyond words.

Because in the end, grief is not a medical issue. Grief is not an issue to be solved or cured. Grief is an issue of the heart. 

Heed Goethe's harbinger: Beware the massman, the troubled guest on the dark earth.

~~~

Thank you to Dr. Joanne Cacciatore for her heartfelt words or warning to us so that we may protect our grief-torn hearts and souls as best we can in choosing wisely to whom we open our hearts.

Dr. Cacciatore's article:
http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2014/06/the-holy-longing-is-yours-caveat-emptor.html

Friday's Faith - In Traumas, He Makes Me to Lie Down…

Friday's Faith

In Traumas, He Makes Me to Lie Down…

Tommy and I have been plagued with nightmares this week. Mine started last Friday night and Saturday morning just before Father's Day, so I was in a "real good" place to be supportive of Tommy on the always-difficult holiday, as you might imagine. The first nightmare put me particularly under and its haunting nature still remains with me, and the second nightmare just picked up where the first one left off. As they always say, "When it rains, it pours…." So then, we proceeded from there to have a particularly difficult weekend...

Ever since, sleep has not come easy for me. And during the day, coping hasn't been going so well either. The questions raised in my nightmares about Merry Katherine's situation before she was killed were opened up again, and some of them haunted me. I found that I was so traumatized that I became greatly agitated, so that any other thing, little or big, greatly got under my skin and made me miserable. What is it? Does Trauma breed Trauma? It was like I went from one difficult thing to another, and then was accosted by events that really hurt me by the very people who I otherwise had thought were extremely "safe" in my life. It was a horrible time, and I couldn't seem to shake the hurts, nor my baby's situation plaguing me...

Tommy was very sweet and tried to reach out to me as best he could. And he was very helpful. Sometimes I get so incredibly tense that there is no way I could ever get back to sleep at night without one of his gentle back rubs, and several times, he would help me get back to sleep. But we were both struggling, and sometimes that backfires, and we even find ourselves struggling "against" one another. We're doing okay now, but it wasn't easy getting to this place.

After one particularly difficult night of sleep, and facing a day with some challenging situations ahead with some of my clients, I lay there in bed after Tommy had gotten up, and just cried out to my God to please help me. There were so many toxins I just couldn't seem to let go of, and I knew my mind needed to be clear, at least for the sake of my clients. God came to me and was so incredibly tender… 

It was like His Holy Spirit took over and took me on a gentle path of Spirit-guided imagery onto God's Living Waters...

I envisioned and imagined floating in the very clear, warm, and comforting waters of His River of Life, and as I floated along, with God by my side, I felt my tensions melting away. But then a memory of some of the weekend's miseries would infiltrate its way into my head all at once and would immediately throw me back into my turmoil.

  

Time after time these violations would ply their way into my mind and heart. 

At each of those times, God gently spoke to me and said, 

"Let it go; just let it float off of you." 

No sooner would He say that than I would see the incident almost as a rectangular weight lodging upon me that would begin to lose its weightiness, become light enough to float, and then simply slither off of me and float away, tormenting me no more. It continued until several of the torments were lifted from me in a similar way, as I let them go and watched them slither off of me and just float away. 

What  a soothing, comforting experience. It was literally a playing out of Psalm 23 that I often meditate to as I do my deep breathing to try to go to sleep, for He, my Shepherd, was "leading me beside the still waters," helping me to "lie down in green pastures," yet here, they were His living waters; He was even leading me down the path of righteousness as He led me one by one to lay my grievances down and let them go, so that time after time, 

He was effectually restoring my soul. 

It was God's transformative grace at work.

It was a beautiful meditation that He inspired and then entered into, bringing me healing manifestations that I could never have accomplished on my own. By the time I saw my clients, I was fine and was able to attend to their very pressing needs.

What a tender, empathic Savior we serve. His gentle grace overcame the raucous battle that I had allowed into my heart and soul, and He did it all so lovingly, no judgments against me, just gentleness. 

I even cried out in the middle of it regarding what my child may have gone through before she was killed, 

and He gently reminded me, 

"But it got her to where she needed to be," 

which I knew was true. 

Her heart indeed was made ready to see her God, and she had responded to Him just two days before she ultimately was to go and be with Him. The particular manifestations of our suffering don't really matter once we enter into the Savior's arms where He turns our mourning into joy, and so despite this angst, I settled down and knew she was okay ~ He was taking care of her just as He was taking care of me. And so even that pain and agony melted away and released from me. 

Our loving Savior enters into our pain, bringing His presence and His comfort, ever nurturing our broken hearts, both mine here on earth, and my precious child's, up in Heaven. Anything else on this earth pales in comparison!

Picture of Living Waters, thanks to
photobucket.com :
 photo 2013-08-15204057.jpg

Graphic 2, thanks to
Nativity Pageant of Knoxville

Saturday's Sayings - If God Chose the Broken...

God chose what the world considered Broken...

~1 Corinthians 1:27

Saturday's Sayings

If God Chose the Broken...

(Letter to My Friends, Family, Church, and Community)

If people do not begrudge a sweet little old lady for knitting everyday as she works her craft for her loved ones with her yarn, so too I ask myself,

Why do people begrudge child-loss grievers for daily re-knitting their damaged hearts, souls, and spirits back together after they had been unraveled beyond recognition from the first day their child was ripped from their sides? 

Child-Loss Grief and Trauma 

is a Daily Process, 

expected to last a Life-time, 

until that beautiful Day when we are

rejoined with our little ones.

Please treat us with kindness, 

and 

at the very least,

Learn to respect 

what you have No Way Of Knowing:

how Unbearable

the Child-Loss Grief and Trauma process is 

upon our severely traumatized lives

every 

day.

Every.

Day. 

I repeat,

You would have No. Way. Of. Knowing. 

or 

even

Beginning. To. Know. 

what we deal with, 

unless you yourself also

Lost Your Child, 

and 

We would Never, 

Ever, 

wish 

that 

upon 

You 

or 

Anyone. 

So please, 

Just respect our process, 

And know, 

Always keep in mind, 

There is a lot about our Child-Loss Grief and Trauma 

you. will. never. know. 

Be thankful for that,

And,

please

Please,

Love us

Where. We. Are.

Not

Where. You. Want. Us. To. Be.

God doesn't blame the broken

for their brokenness;

God loves the broken...

Can you?

~Angie Prince, Mother Grieving Loss of Child,
Psychotherapist, and Grief, Loss, & Trauma Coach

~~~



Please remember what God's Word says,

1 Corinthians 1:27

New International Version (NIV)

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; 

God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

"Broken" graphic, thanks to 

Jesus Loves Me!

Julie K. (God's Girl Jul) ~Pinterest

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/29977153743344935/

Wednesday's Woe - Today, something is missing. ~Benjamin Allen

Wednesday's Woe

Today, something is missing.

~Benjamin Allen

Today, something is missing. What I miss is this, not that. I miss what is missing now. I miss what would have been. I miss mornings. This morning. And I wonder what mornings would be like if they were still here.  No matter the day, something is always missing. I go through life with a part of me missing. They are gone, but so am I. Their Afterlife left me in Afterloss.  Afterloss is neither here nor there. Some days it feels like a state of limbo. My feet feel the earth, but my heart can’t feel my feet. The heart lacks location. It encircles memory, skips past the present and swirls in an ethereal future.  My heart belongs to another. My heart is here, but where is here? I touch a relic from the past and I am there, but lamentably still here. Someone mentions a future event, but I can’t get my head around tomorrow. I can’t go there because I’m not all here.  I have wandered my Afterloss for many years watching the tides, the ebb and flow of time and location. I feel the seasons of sorrow not in the earth’s rotation, but the rotation of my heart. I orbit the anniversaries of their deaths and feel the wind of their births breathe through me.  I locate in the ebb and flow of time. There is no epicenter to moment. A clock, a wristwatch, an hourglass have no meaning in my Afterloss. I look at the world around me from a different time zone within me. There is no linear motion in my Afterloss and memory locates where memory stops.  When I enter my tears I do not know where they locate either. Do I cry for what I can no longer hold, what I do not hold now, or what I will never hold again? The cascading presence of tears have their own watercourse way. They go where they go and I must go with them.  And underlying all this something is missing. Something is always missing. It is not just a part of me that is missing. I am missing them. I am missing us. I am missing this, not that.  Our lives are beyond location, but still located within each other. Wherever I go, I take them with me. Whether I am walking the woods or stuck in traffic, they are with me. They are reflected in all reflections. There is nowhere where they are not everywhere. I feel them more within me than around me, but I feel both, furthering my confusion of where does presence locate.  And where do I locate? For not only are they with me, I am with them. My Afterloss is intricately intertwined with their Afterlife. Borders and boundaries blur. That part of me that went with them when they died still resides within the “us” that lives in both worlds.  I am not all here. That is why this world feels so ethereal. I am living in the transcendence of loss in a life that is neither here nor there. Just as they are present within me I am present in them. How do I assimilate life when there is no fixed location or time? How do I hold such deep love when there is nothing to hold on to? The day-to-day “chores” are such a chore. They weigh me down in gravity that chains me to a world that demands what I cannot give. I cannot give this world all of me because all of me is not all here. I pay the bills, work, play, converse, laugh and perform all the duties required, but I do so with something missing, with so much missing.  There are days I feel like a shell of who I am. The outer part of me does what needs to get done, but I am not in the same location. I am not going through the motions. Motion is going through me. The “me” that is left. On days like today I know it is only in stillness where I will be able to align with motion. It takes a lot of intentionality to integrate all of them, all of us into all of me. I have come to a place of peace without expectation that I will not locate in one place or that time will follow a clock. The sands of my hourglass will fall in whatever direction and/or speed it chooses.  I choose to simply accept this is one of those days where my Afterloss may not neatly fit the world around me. What’s more important to me is my Afterloss fits the world within me rather than my sorrow fit in a world I no longer fit.  For on this kind of day when I keenly experience the missing parts of me, it is an indication that I am on a quest, the pursuit of healing. This is the kind of day I follow the night sky of my Afterloss. Today, I will move gently into what is missing and carry into this moment what is left.  I do not force my sorrow. When I accept my sorrow it guides me to those places I’ve been looking for all along. It guides me to the deepest parts of me, to them, to us.  When something is missing, that just means there is something to be found.  (for more blog posts go to www.Theafterloss.com/blog )

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Grief and Healing in the Afterloss

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