Showing posts with label "New Normal" better called New "Abby-Normal". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "New Normal" better called New "Abby-Normal". Show all posts

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wednesday's Woe - The New Lepers' Colony







Wednesday's Woe


The New Lepers' Colony




I did not go to the baby shower;

What does that make me?

I am changed.

I can small-talk with the best of them

But why?

Why would I now?

Not now, when my child has died.

Small talk is for a social gathering -

My world has stopped;

There's not much social about it.

My world is about dealing with death.

Can death walk into a room with life?

They don't mix very well...

"Me? Oh I spend every day in tears.

Did you hear our good friends'

child was killed? Yes, killed

on the day before Mother's Day.

And how are you doing?"

As my boys tease about their daddy and me,

"Boy, these guys really know how to party..."


Life is different now.

All is serious... but the laughter in between.

People die. People can die.

And yes, Children die.

And child-loss mothers I meet are like me...

The walking dead.

We hover together, mourning our children


Since no one else wants to hear...

They'd rather go to a party;


I've tried the parties,

Really I have,

But the last "get together"

was a disaster.

Petty meanness showed up -

And I? I'm too tender for such,

Piled upon my pain.

Pain upon pain is too much.

So others can party.

They're welcome to.


But we, we want to hear our child's name

In the context of their life,

who they were,

who they are now...

For they're still alive,

in spirit now.

Have you heard of the "Great Cloud of Witnesses"?

It's real you know.


I told my son and daughter-in-law...

I won't be at the parties

But I will be here for my grandbaby~

They're lovingly naming her

After their sister / my baby!


When my baby left, my world stopped

And yet, perhaps it really started...


I only focus on what is real,

what is important, what is deep,

what is soulful,

Much like I do in my counseling practice.

Perhaps the world should see us as

missionaries now, on a different planet...

Missionaries to one another,

Binding our wounds,

Crying out our pain,

Wiping our tears...

The language of the wailing mothers

In the new lepers colony called

Bereaved Parents.

Even Scripture says,

Rachel refused to be comforted

for her children are

no more.

I'm thankful God understands...

He comes alongside,

He grieves,

He comforts,

for

He too lost His Child...



"A voice is heard in Ramah

mourning and great weeping,

Rachel weeping for her

children

And refusing to be

comforted,

because her children are

no more."


~Jeremiah 31:15, NIV




Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~Hebrews 12:1, NIV









Paintings ~by Megan Kingery, artist, from her gallery - http://megankingery.homestead.com/gallery2.html

Poem - The New Lepers' Colony - Angie Bennett Prince - 6/14/2011

NIV - New International Version of The Holy Bible


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Thursday's Therapy - Unpackaging the Princes' Top 10 TRUTHS about Child-Loss Grief - Truth #3) There's NOTHING "Normal" about "The New Normal"








Thursday's Therapy


Unpackaging the Princes' Top 10 TRUTHS about Child-Loss Grief:


Truth #3) There's NOTHING "Normal" about "The New Normal"






Truth #3: After child-loss, you will never be the same, and there is nothing "normal" about "The New Normal."




For us, somehow the term, "The New Normal," seems to cheapen this very grueling process of metamorphosis into which our we have been thrown by our child's death. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out.



In some ways our basic personalities are the same; our basic characters are the same, but the impact of this huge loss assaulting our very beings feels tantamount to a body-soul-spirit-mind-heart earthquake, then a resulting tsunami accosting our lives.




Can you imagine someone walking up to a victim in Japan and saying,


"Welcome to your new normal!"???


Now throw in a dose of radiation on top of that! Those words are not helpful! Neither do they always seem helpful to us...






It's more than "The New Normal":



Tommy says,


"For me, it's almost like being born again. This (tragedy and all its impact) is not something I asked for or went looking for, desired, or put down on a sheet of goals for my life...something in the 'you can control your destiny' list. This tragedy was an external phenomenon that was dumped on me.

"Somehow we have to emerge from the wreckage and the sludge as a new and different person. We've been assaulted on so many levels. It is much more complicated, much more involved than 'A New Normal' suggests."



To be sure, there are some new Benefits found within Child-Loss Grief, some "Treasures in Darkness" as God describes in Scripture:


  • Clarity
  • We now know what is Important, and what is NOT important.
  • Our values change, many times from obsessing over material possessions to pouring our lives into more meaningful emotional and spiritual investments such as helping others.
  • Our views change. Formerly human traditions that held us captive are now redefined, such as how we spend our holidays as opposed to how the frenetic world may.
  • We have a great B.S. meter! We often can see right through pandering or other human charades to see the real truths underneath.



"The New Normal" just doesn't seem to cut it in describing what feels very "abnormal" to us...



When you have had your heart cut out, you feel a pain inside almost continually, your emotional stamina is not the same, your emotional resilience is not the same, your passions are not the same. Your views of "how the world works," and "how God works" are challenged. For many of us, our assumptive beliefs about such concepts are tested at the very least, if not totally blasted out of the waters and devastating our very foundations at the other extreme.





Some of us have to expend many, many energies to walk through and redo our assumptive beliefs about life, former assumptions such as:


"You can control your own destiny,"


"Prayer works,"


"Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it,"


"Praying for the safety of your child works,"


"Church is where you go to hear about God" (You are going to hear too often a false version of "having the abundant life," for example. See yesterday's post for what we child-loss grievers may be more likely to hear in what we termed "Churchianity"...)



We become reminded that although Scripture holds some verses we like to "claim," our God is not a formulaic God. He ever sees the bigger picture and ever holds that before Himself while we see a tiny corner of the picture just from our finite, and therefore extremely limited, view. God is still God, no matter how much we thought we understood Him to be a certain way ~ He is always bigger, and He sees the whole while we see only a part.





In our experience, the term, "The New Normal" seems to be very much an understatement of the process through which we are going, and the kind and quality of life which we now are going to be living.



Tommy and I are still working on a better term that captures
  • such devastation,
  • such reworking required, and
  • such metamorphosis that has to occur to be able to go on with any kind of "normalcy" at all.



The helping fields such as the psychological, counseling, religious, and medical fields all seem extremely out of touch still to this day, about the compounding difficulties experienced within child-loss grief and the concurrent tolls such difficulties take on child-loss parents' lives. Their ignorance can, and often does, compound our unbearable circumstances to make them even worse and even more unbearable!



"The New Normal" just doesn't capture some of the depths of our agony we find in the process of our navigating our way through our grief journey.



For instance, if Tommy feels "betrayed by God," and someone throws out the quick and dirty,


"O, thats 'The New Normal,'


he might want to scream,


"NO, it's NOT! I cannot stay in this place and feel anywhere near 'normal.'


"I have to rework this, resort this out. It's like I have to be born again, not have a superficial label tagged with it just to accept the status quo. I must go through the process of being 'born again' which feels like we are starting all over with a completely different life than the one we once had when our child was here, and our family was intact!"



What about you?


What are your feelings about the concept of "The New Normal"?










Pictures: FotoSearch and Flickr

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Wednesday's Woe - When Will I Find the "New Normal"?






Wednesday's Woe


When Will I Find the "New Normal"?


~Tommy and Angie Prince






In Young Frankenstein by Mel Brooks, the scientist Frankenstein asks his assistant Eigor, after experiencing his newly-created man which turns out to be more like a monster than a man,


"What was the name on the jar that contained the brain you found?"


Eigor told him he didn't remember, then he suddenly recalls,


"...It was... uhh... 'Abby'... something!"


Frankenstein says, "Abby... something???"



Eigor says, "Yes, that's it! 'Abby... Normal'!"



And the scientist realizes now he's in real trouble...





Well, I feel like the old joke that says


"When God was handing out brains, He thought I said 'drains,' and He washed mine out...!"



Yeah, I know...Corny...! But, anyway, our questions to any of you Child-Loss grievers is...



What is the "New Normal"?


and


When does the "New Normal" kick in?



(And I'm sure hoping my "New Normal" is not the one entitled, "Abby...Normal"!)





What is the final "Key" to the puzzle of



Who am I?



What can I handle?



What am I capable of doing now?



Whom can I be around?



What work can I do now?




Is there such a thing as a "New Normal" that we Child-Loss grievers ever attain? Is it a place we at least attain to that will indicate some level of stabilization, or is the "New Normal" an ever-changing condition, following the ever volatile and undulating path of our Grief?




"I still don't know what I can handle," Tommy says. "If something does happen like my getting triggered, do I have enough in my tool kit to be able to function?"




"I still don't know who I am, and what I am capable of doing," Angie says. "We are in the field of helping people who are in great distress, and it is our job to get down into that pit with them to better understand the emotional angst they are up against. This requires a great deal of emotional stamina. And since no client wants to get in touch with pain easily, the therapist will be pushed and tested and challenged all along the way.


"So how can I in good conscience take on a client who has some heavy-duty work to do when I am not even sure what I am able to handle? Therefore, who am I? Can I do the work I was trained to do, and did for 27 years before my world crashed? And if not, what am I capable of? And what direction do I take when I am so lost in grief? It is like the pilot who, when surrounded by constant cloud coverage, gets disoriented, loses touch with where the ground is, and at any moment easily could come crashing down..."





What is your experience with the "New Normal"?



Can you describe what that "New Normal" is for you?



And, What does your "New Normal" now look like?



And finally, how long did it take you to get there?












Picture thanks to FotoSearch.com

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Thursday’s Therapy - Our Traumatized Brain~An Over-Saturated Sponge




Thursday’s Therapy

Our Traumatized Brain

~

An Over-Saturated Sponge


Stress and Memory

Chronic over-secretion of stress hormones adversely affects brain function, especially memory.

Too much cortisol can prevent the brain from laying down a new memory, or from accessing already existing memories.

{No Wonder We Thought We Were Losing Our Minds!}

The renowned brain researcher, Robert M. Sapolsky, has shown that sustained stress can damage the hippocampus, the part of the limbic brain which is central to learning and memory. The culprits are "glucocorticoids," a class of steroid hormones secreted from the adrenal glands during stress. They are more commonly known as corticosteroids or cortisol.

During a perceived threat, the adrenal glands immediately release adrenalin. If the threat is severe or still persists after a couple of minutes, the adrenals then release cortisol.

Once in the brain, cortisol remains much longer than adrenalin, where it continues to affect brain cells.

Cortisol Affects Memory Formation and Retrieval

Have you ever forgotten something during a stressful situation that you should have remembered? Cortisol also interferes with the function of neurotransmitters, the chemicals that brain cells use to communicate with each other.

Excessive cortisol can make it difficult to think or retrieve long-term memories. That's why people get befuddled and confused in a severe crisis. Their mind goes blank because "the lines are down."

They can't remember where the fire exit is, for example.


Why We Lose Our Memory

Stress hormones divert blood glucose to exercising muscles, therefore the amount of glucose--hence energy--that reaches the brain's hippocampus is diminished. This creates an energy crisis in the hippocampus which compromises its ability to create new memories.

That may be why some people can't remember a very traumatic event, and why short-term memory is usually the first casualty of age-related memory loss resulting from a lifetime of stress.


Cortisol and Temporary Memory Loss-Study

In an animal study, rats were stressed by an electrical shock, and then made to go through a maze that they were already familiar with. When the shock was given either four hours before or two minutes before navigating the maze, the rats had no problem. But, when they were stressed by a shock 30 minutes before, the rats were unable to remember their way through the maze.

This time-dependent effect on memory performance correlates with the levels of circulating cortisol, which are highest at 30 minutes. The same thing happened when non-stressed rats were injected with cortisol. In contrast, when cortisol production was chemically suppressed, then there were no stress-induced effects on memory retrieval.

According to James McGaugh, director of the Center for the Neurobiology of Learning and Memory at the University of California, Irvine. "This effect only lasts for a couple of hours, so that the impairing effect in this case is a temporary impairment of retrieval. The memory is not lost. It is just inaccessible or less accessible for a period of time."


Cortisol and the Degenerative Cascade

Normally, in response to stress, the brain's hypothalamus secretes a hormone that causes the pituitary gland to secrete another hormone that causes the adrenals to secrete cortisol.

When levels of cortisol rise to a certain level, several areas of the brain -- especially the hippocampus -- tell the hypothalamus to turn off the cortisol-producing mechanism. This is the proper feedback response.

The hippocampus, however, is the area most damaged by cortisol.

In his book, Brain Longevity, Dharma Singh Khalsa, M.D., describes how older people often have lost 20-25% of the cells in their hippocampus {and Dr. Bessel A. van der Kolk reminds us that for a time the traumatized victim – in our case, of traumatic grief – also has a shrunken hippocampus}, so it cannot provide proper feedback to the hypothalamus, so cortisol continues to be secreted.


{Boy, does this explain a lot of the traumatic episodes I have been through where I thought I was absolutely losing my mind – that when I most needed it, my mind seemed the least able to function for me so that

I Was Afraid To Trust My Own Mind!

This neurophysiological explanation of what is going on in our traumatized brains explains SO MUCH to me that was otherwise downright CRAZY-MAKING!}


This, in turn, causes more damage to the hippocampus, and even more cortisol production.

Thus, a Catch-22 "degenerative {And/Or Traumatic} cascade" begins, which can be very difficult to stop.

{You can say that again!}


Cortisol and Brain Degeneration-Study

Studies done by Dr. Robert M. Sapolsky, Professor of Neurology and Neurological Sciences at Stanford University, showed that lots of stress or exposure to cortisol accelerates the degeneration of the aging hippocampus.

And, because the hippocampus is part of the feedback mechanism that signals when to stop cortisol production, a damaged hippocampus causes cortisol levels to get out of control - further compromising memory and cognitive function.

The cycle of degeneration then continues. (Perhaps similar to the deterioration of the pancreas-insulin feedback system.


Building Memories-Neurogenesis-Study

The growth of new brain cells – a process called neurogenesis – is involved in new memory formation. Researchers at Princeton University report that, even in adulthood, thousands of hippocampal neurons were being generated per day.

In animal studies, the number of adult-generated neurons in the hippocampi of rats doubled after they performed specific behavioral tasks and training that involved associative learning. In contrast, tasks that did not require the hippocampus did not stimulate new cell growth.

"All of the species we examined showed evidence of substantial neurogenesis in adulthood," Princeton's Elizabeth Gould said. "These findings indicate that adult-generated hippocampal neurons are specifically affected by, and potentially involved in, associative memory formation."

{Parenthetical comments throughout this article are my own.}


All in all, our over-loaded, traumatized brains are like an over-saturated sponge~There's just not a lot more we can take in; we have quite enough already to process without adding any more! And the Cortisol hormone keeps putting us into fight-or-flight so that our verbal processes and cognitive functioning (i.e., planning what we must do to help ourselves) get pushed aside for us to get-in-touch-with at a later time, like it or not...

Thank you to The Franklin Institute, Research for Science Learning for this excellent and enlightening article! Next week, I hope to talk about some RELIEF we can find from the cortisol streaming through our grieving bodies! So please, stay tuned...










http://www.fi.edu/learn/brain/stress.html