Tuesday's Trust - Specially Made...To Be Broken ~Nathan Prince

Tuesday's Trust

Specially Made...To Be Broken

~Nathan Prince

I wanted to share with you, my readers, my son Nathan's words on his blog this past week, describing his devastation from his loss of his sister, his best friend:

...(I)t is just...different when you lose a part of yourself. Didn't realize how MUCH she was a part of me, but it's just this gaping hole that has remained, and the harsh realization that not only has it not gone away, it has disabled my ability to brush things off calously like I used to easily do, to now, where

my sheer existence is like I am made of glass.

I picture myself as a vase, which not only is empty and the once beautiful designs that made it unique have worn off. It has been chipped around the edges, and has cracks all throughout its once unbroken structure, and even the slightest bump up against the table it rests on will send it crashing to the ground.

This is not to say that this vase is irrepairable, it is actually impossible to restore an actual broken vase to what it once was.

But the Potter that made this vase created it in such a way that only He can pick up the shattered vase lying helplessly and hopelessly broken, and restore it back to the way He originally designed it,

and through the compassion He has on it as His prized creation, He makes it even more beautiful and unique than before.

It now has a peaceful security in knowing how much care the Potter has for it, and has more joy than ever because while it was shattered on the ground, useless and forgotten, He stooped down and picked up every piece and made it anew.

The display of the love and compassion of the Potter toward His vase in this story shows the beauty of God's grace, and

how much compassion and understanding He has on this fragile vase I have become.

You should know that this story just flowed out of me from the Holy Spirit, not myself.

And He is why I write.

(highlights mine)

From Nathan's blog: http://bloggingthetruthinlove.blogspot.com/

Wednesday's Woe- I'm in a fight against grief, and I'm wearing Glass Armor: A Brother's Grief

Wednesday's Woe

I'm in a Fight against Grief, and I'm Wearing Glass Armor:

A Brother's Grief

~by Nathan Prince

I asked my son tonight what he meant a few nights ago when he said he was so wounded, and that he was afraid he might shatter. I wasn't sure if he was alluding to grief over his sister, or problems he ran into in graduate school, or attempts at getting a job in a strained economy.

Here is his answer:

I have found that the 3 1/2-year mark has been the hardest for me in my grief --

The pain is not as fresh as at first, but the Void is greater.

Death is no longer something shocking or hard to grasp. It's a full reality, and (I'm) not having to cry over it, but

Feeling the Voided Emptiness I have found makes grief harder than ever.

And yet the pain is so perpetual --there is always a sadness there that has not gone away-- I know it will never truly end.

And because the pain is not as fresh, there's "nothing" to cry over.

And with no tears, there's no healing.

And with no tears, I forget how much I'm hurting.

From the unawareness of the pain, I no longer manage the pain ~ the pain manages me.

I walk around mad and upset, and I don't know why. I find myself crying over anything or any one who is precious to me like she was. I forget that it is Grief that I am reacting to. It always lurks beneath the surface.

I have always said if you don't cry, Grief is going to control you. It eats away at you on the inside.

As a result, I feel like the slightest prick of pain could shatter this very fragile heart. I isolate myself from the world because I know I'm made of glass now and the world has handfuls of rocks it's just dying to throw. And now I'm walking around with a target on my chest. I feel like if someone were to throw a rock, I would just shatter.

Picture: http://www.thedailygreen.com/weird-weather/winter-photo-flipbook-50120808

Tuesday's Trust - The Fifteen Per Cent Factor

Tuesday's Trust

The Fifteen Per Cent Factor

(My computer just got zapped tonight. Bummer. Right now, I am borrowing my son's computer to do Tuesday's post. I would greatly appreciate your prayers ~ I am hoping it is "fixable" and/or at least that I can save all my documents.)

In Waking the Tiger, (the number 1 book on amazon.com for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), it took trauma therapist/author Peter Levine only 6 sentences before he said in his prologue,

"IN TRAUMA, WE KNOW THAT THE MIND BECOMES PROFOUNDLY ALTERED."

(highlights, mine)

This fact is one that we child-loss grievers know experientially, but that those around us don't seem to understand at all.

The trauma of losing a child has many ramifications. We know that the brain is impacted. Just one of the ways we grieving parents have been impacted by this impairment phenomenon is:

It takes twice as long to do anything; we cannot be hurried.

I just read an essay by Stephen Marsh, an attorney and a grieving father of three of his four daughters each dying separately and unexpectedly, within a span of four years. Stephen says in his essay, "Surviving Loss" about what the grieving parent goes through in child-loss:

"Most parents who have lost a child operate at about 10 (per cent) to 15 of their normal capacity for at least six months.

Suggesting that the person "do more" when they can actually do 85% less is insisting that the person do things that gratify the demander -- often at the expense of whatever energy the person has to care for their family and remaining loved ones."

Tommy and I would add, we don't think this incapacity lasts for just six months. Four years after losing our precious daughter, we feel we are still functioning at about 10-15% capacity, wondering where the other 85-90% went, and if it ever will return.

Two examples from our lives happened just today. These examples give a good clue of how fiercely our lives have been impacted by this seemingly irreparable trauma of child-loss:

Tommy has always loved music, and has played in different bands (as an avocation) since he was 14-years-old. A former band member (from a band that was playing together just before Merry Katherine was killed), called Tommy up today and asked him to rejoin the fellow band members who had all gone their separate ways since those days, and play a gig for a professional gathering he is planning. Tommy declined, and later told me,

"My heart is just not in it anymore."

The band member reluctantly accepted his answer and said,

"You are just too good to never play again!"

As for me...

In a surge of energy today, I went with Tommy to the grocery store and bought some ingredients to cook one of (my middle child) Nathan's favorite dishes. When I went downstairs to call him up for supper and told him what I had cooked, he smiled delightedly, and said,

"When did you decide to be a mother again?"

Wow. How telling....

I am sure each of you grieving parents has an example or two similar to this in your life. We would love to hear how you are doing and what kind of impact your grief is having on you.

Despite our incredible disability that we are doing our best to navigate through, it is my strong hope that I understand God's Word correctly that

"He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

~Philippians 1:6

because at this rate, I cannot even fathom how, humanly-speaking, I ever will be able to complete much of anything in my own strength...

The beauty of using my son Nathan's computer tonight is that Nathan made himself available to help me pick out a picture for tonight's post, and introduced us to the following video, keeping up the great characteristic of our families in retaining a good sense of humor in the midst of even the most tragic of situations... {Thank you Nathan! :0) }

essay by Stephen Marsh: http://www.adrr.com/living/sloss.htm

picture of "li'l brudder": thanks to photobucket.com

Waking the Tiger : Healing Trauma : The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences, by Peter Levine, Amazon's #1 rated PTSD book: http://amzn.to/ddMCMx

"li'l brudder" video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGYzwf-sA0Y thanks to the suggestion of my son Nathan