Thursday's Therapy - Dr. Cacciatore's Guide to Self-Compassion ~Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, Psychologist and Grieving Mother

Thursday's Therapy

Dr. Cacciatore's Guide to Self-Compassion

~Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, Psychologist and Grieving Mother

Dr. Cacciatore's Guide to Self-Compassion

 1. Spend at least fifteen to thirty minutes daily in meditation, prayer or quiet time just being.

 2. Commit at least twenty minutes a day to exercise- yoga, walking, or any type of exercise within your abilities.

 3. When you are able, try to laugh at least once a day.

 4. Surround yourself with caring others- family, friends, and/or colleagues. Seek the company of others who are compassionate, open hearted, and kind.

5. Get 15-20 minutes of sunshine each day.

 6. Observe and experience nature. Notice the sky when walking to your car. Listen to the sounds of birds. Pay attention to the trees, smell blossoming flowers, hear the buzzing ees, and watch ants as they work. Get out into nature as often as you can.

 7. Experience gratitude daily, even for simple things in life that we usually take for granted such as clean running water, shelter, & food. 

 8. Notice negative self-talk and love yourself through them when you can.

 9. Show compassion, actively, toward others. Look for, even small, opportunities to help. Open doors, offer to aid someone carrying groceries, really listen to someone else's story. Actively seek to give kindness, and volunteer at least one day per month.

10. Support your brain: Eat a healthy diet and eliminate junk foods. Take a good, food based multi-vitamin/mineral and include omega oils.

11. Express your feelings and affection for your loved ones. Take the time to tell them how much they mean to you. Give, and accept praise.

12. Try to experience connectedness to others. To your beloved dead. To neighbors. To family. To the sky and earth. Pay attention to feelings of disconnection and strive toward feelings and actions which promote connection.

13. Seek rituals that help you remember your loved ones who have died.

14. Change your routine in small ways. Change the way you dress one day; take a new route to work; find a novel hobby; read a new book; wear a new scent; eat a new food.

15. Give yourself permission to experience self-compassion & self-love. Be gentle with you. Practice forgiveness - especially to your self, and be your own best friend.

Thanks to ~Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, Facebook

Thursday's Therapy - GUILT: The Bereaved Parent's Unwelcome Visitor ~Carol Kearns, Grieving Mother

Thursday's Therapy

GUILT: 

The Bereaved Parent's Unwelcome Visitor

~Carol Kearns, Grieving Mother

In my twenty-five years of trauma counseling, I can't remember ever counseling a bereaved parent who didn't, at one stage or another, experience guilt. No matter the age or cause of their child's death, the "could haves, should haves and wish I would haves" seemed to creep in....

Our most important role as a parent is to protect our child. We feel we have failed in this most fundamental of all roles when our child dies. Our nurturing instinct turns against us in the form of guilt. There must have been something we could have done. None of us want to believe that we are that impotent as parents. I have even had clients with grown children who have not lived in their home in years make comments like, 

"I should have told him he was drinking too much;" 

or 

"I should have encouraged her to go more regularly to the doctors;" 

or 

"He always drove fast and I never said anything. I should have."

When my daughter Kristen was pulled out to sea by a wave and drowned, her father John and his wife drove for several hours to the beach cabin where we had been staying. They hoped beyond hope that by the time they'd arrive, the Coast Guard would have found her and the nightmare would end. When I answered the door, the look on my face told them the worst. Nearly, the first words from John were, 

"Carol, I hope to God, you're not feeling guilty." 

I was in such shock; I had no idea what he meant. However, it wasn't long before the shock wore off and the guilt crept in. Kristen was his flesh and blood as much as mine. If I hadn't heard those words I would have felt doubly guilty. Whenever I'd begin to spiral into guilt, I would remember his words. They became the greatest gift he could have given me.

In its extreme, guilt can grab hold and never let go creating despondency that side tracks the grief process. In fact, we may feel so guilty that we believe we deserve whatever pain we have. Our goal in guilt is to learn to forgive ourselves. This is extremely difficult if we believe we were such bad parents that we deserve the pain. Accidents happen. They especially happen to active vital children no matter what age.

It is extremely important to address guilt when the death is by suicide. When someone chooses to kill himself, we know his pain was intense and his hope so diminished. How could we not have known? Surely we could have done something to stop them? How could we have been a good parent and not prevented this? We must remind ourselves that if we could have prevented it, we would have. This is much easier said than done. If our guilt persists, we may need professional counseling by a therapist experienced with grief issues.

Guilt graphic, thanks to ~Angels of the Heart
Guilt article: http://www.carolkearns.com/columns/col_guilt.html

Wednesday's Woe - A Night and Day in the Life of a Grieving Mother / Graphics ~TeriAnn Sargent / Poem ~Angie Prince

Wednesday's Woe

A Night and Day in the Life of a Grieving Mother

Graphics ~by Grieving Mother TeriAnn Sargent, Jerred's Mum

Poem ~by Grieving Mother Angie Prince

The amazing sensitivity of my dear friend from Australia, grieving mother TeriAnn Sargent, beautifully shows through in her graphic creations capturing the angst and hope of her grief over her beloved Jarred. As "luck" or in reality, God's kindness and ingeniousness, would have it, TeriAnn just shared her Facebook site with me today that holds her beautiful creations; I had stumbled onto a couple of these earlier, so you may remember seeing them in my blog before. I hope that our separate works, but very similar grieving hearts will come together for you and minister to your hearts as you grieve your child, and look forward in hope to your reuniting...

A Night and Day in the Life of a Grieving Mother

In my Child-Loss Grief, I seem to struggle 

.......In many different ways...

I seem to struggle getting to sleep,

.......Yet then struggle when I awake...

It seems when I do sleep, either I dream of you where life "is normal,"

.......When in each of my dreams, you're at a different age...

And Life is fun, it is "as we knew it,"

.......Yet when I awaken, the harsh reality I again must face...

Or I'll have nightmares, some in which you're in some kind of trouble,

.......And your life I cannot seem to save...

I awaken, and am left terrorized,

.......Left with a sickened feeling that seems to last all through the day...

Other times, I'll awaken,

.......And cannot seem to focus my mind

To relax, and get some comfort,

.......So I'll grab a book, and read for just a time...

I'll finally go back to sleep then, only to later awake, exhausted,

.......Choppy sleep must surely exhaust the mind...

So on top of that load of tiredness that I carry around all day,

.......It seems I expend an enormous amount of energy 

..............Sorting out so many of Grief's broken pieces...

Tangling with Grief's reality

.......In which the ever-present sadness 

..............Seems continually to drain life from me...

And finally, when I do find a bit of energy,

.......My thoughts to you will always go...

As my heart is ever seeking

.......To draw you O so close...

For all day long, my heart does long

.......For you, my love to show.

The Grief and Pain fall upon me like rain,

.......Engulfing my heart and soul in its sad refrain...

I search for Comfort in words, in sayings, in pictures for my blog,

.......To share not only Grief's angst but also our constant and continual Love Story...

That has been growing all along,

.......And I know that Our Love will ever grow...

Culminating eternally when God rejoins us to one another,

.......Precious Child and Mother,

..............Amidst Love's Ever-Encompassing Glory...

And so, my child, I long for then,

.......When God repairs all that's in this world gone wrong,

..............And completes for us, just as He planned, our ever-growing Mother-and-Child Love Song!

O how I long for that Song

.......When our Faith becomes Sight

And God will grant us Love and Peace

.......Forever Day and Night....

And until then, with God's help, I will fight on...

.......Until that Day God takes me Home...

~Special thanks to TeriAnn for sharing her artwork with us! 









All Graphics, thanks to TeriAnn Sargent of Australia, Jarred's Mum - can be found on her Facebook page - Be sure to click Like if you enjoy her page. (For those who aren't on Facebook, it is free and easy to register!) TeriAnn's site:

Conversations of my heart & other serendipitous stuff

Poem - A Night and Day in the Life of a Grieving Mother - Angie Bennett Prince - 4/24/2013

Friday's Faith - The Road to Recovery ~Carol Hampson, grieving mother

Friday's Faith 

The Road to Recovery 

~Carol Hampson, grieving mother

The Road to Recovery

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Carol Hampson

Looking back on the time of grieving the loss of my son, I feel gratitude for the experience. There will always be times of sadness, but the gains are immeasurable.

On the first day of knowing my son was gone forever, when I took to my bed with a broken heart, certain truths rose from within: Only good can come from love. Chris will be with me always. There is meaning and purpose behind his death. In the months that followed, I held onto the insights of that first day. They became my guide, my faith, my eventual resurrection.

The Road to Recovery

Grief, in those first unbearable months would come in waves. In moments of relief, I could feel Chris’s loving presence. He didn’t exist in our time anymore, but as a spirit in eternal time. Though I didn’t know if that sense could last, it was a revelation—the saving grace. I learned that my two states of awareness, that of Chris’s absence and his presence, could not exist side by side, but only in succession. Surrendering wholeheartedly to the pain of loss, allowing it passage, opened a door into God’s realm.

About 4 months after Chris died, I decided to write a book to honor his memory—the brave soul he had been on Earth. In addition to my own memories, I collected stories from his friends. Through the hearts of others, Chris came to life in ways I could not have known him otherwise, enriching (my) own memories. I wrote the stories down and drew upon them to write my book. Freedom to Fall grew in its own way, becoming not only a story about Chris but about my journey through loss, an intertwining of our two worlds.

Little by little, in addition to my work as a storyteller, I found ways to step back into the world. I volunteered at a rehabilitation hospital for patients with spinal cord or brain injury due to accident. I fed home cooked meals to the homeless outside a shelter in downtown Denver—folks with whom I shared a raw vulnerability. Most especially, I decided to go into the world with an open heart, not hiding my grief. That willingness helped bridge a gap and brought unexpected gifts of compassion. However, for a long time those steps remained tentative. Over the span of a few years, I spent precious hours at home, simplifying my life, convalescing, relishing the quiet and the repose.

Sensing that there had been purpose behind Chris’s death helped me accept his passing. It is my faith that everything happens for a reason. And though there were times of doubt,  invariably I would return to the sense that he was needed on a higher plane. As I wrote, “…I would see with fresh eyes that Chris’s death had been purposeful. He was always going home, so close to God he was, and I would just feel so happy for him, imagining his joy….”

The way I responded to devastating loss that first year established my approach in the following years. With God’s help, I laid a solid foundation, choosing not to just leave healing to the passage of time. I knew there was so much more I could bring to the situation. I felt I owed it to Chris to let go of the past, where he no longer was, to make my peace with his death, and move on.

There will always be times for crying, when I am reminded of the dear person I lost, but each year has brought more wholeness and a return to a good life. This can be mainly attributed to the blessings that came on the first day. Indeed, only good can come from love! I have cultivated through faith and persistence my connection with Chris—our love—which becomes more golden through the years.

For those who struggle with loss, I offer these words of encouragement: Keep the faith; you will make it through. There is a passageway towards light. If you allow God to be your guide, letting go of the past in order to be led, you will open yourself to healing and to a deeper truth. That truth will become your redemption.

Excerpt from Freedom to Fall:

“Nurturance is the bedrock that allows the soul to thrive. To nurture myself now is to be light with myself, joke with myself, laugh gently at my gravity. To nurture myself is to take care of my needs in the best way possible—to rest, take walks in the mountains, soothe this rawness, and become creative again.

"To nurture myself I only need to receive whatever comes my way, accepting that life just goes on. Witness this life. See that it is but a single stop in the journey of the soul. Be in relationship with others.

"There is no need to block experience. Don’t hide from the things that cause pain, for they are tools for healing—sunlight, children playing, the patter of rain, the smell of pine. Receive fully my life this moment, and I will be carried forth. Lay bare my wound and allow it to bleed. Go forward with the sense that things are as they should be, and my loss will be transformed.”

(highlights, mine)

Picture, thanks to ~Missing Loved Ones

From grieving mother Carol Hampson's blog:

 http://morningsongreflections.wordpress.com/2013/03/19/road-to-recovery/

Saturday's Sayings - Survivors in a Fallen World

Saturday's Sayings

Survivors in a Fallen World

~ Authentunity

~~~~~

~Grieving Mother Jill Compton shared Wings of Hope-Living Forward

~~~~~

~Wings of Hope~Living Forward

The Pain Of Grief

It comes quietly but quickly

Stealing away your breath

A pain in your heart so strong

Caused by a loved one’s death.

It’s cold and harsh and painful

It weaves through your soul and mind

Tears that flow like a river

No peace in your heart you’ll find.

A harsh reality it makes you face

Such an emptiness in your heart

A longing so unbelievably strong

For the love that’s been torn apart.

The nights are long and terrible

Old memories rob you of sleep

Remembering every precious moment

And in the quiet of night you weep.

Sorting through old pictures

And some will make you smile

But then you’re overcome with pain

And you’ll cry again for awhile.

No one can understand it

Unless they've suffered this way

And then they come to realize

That their grief is here to stay.

In time it may get easier

But it always will remain

Inside a broken, shattered heart

And a soul that’s etched with pain.

~ Charlotte Anselmo ~

~~~~~~

~Grieving Mother Dani MarieBernadette D'Angelo

~~~~~

~Wings of Hope-Living Forward

Grief is not your Enemy

Grief surrounds you with no language yet all people and all lands know it. Grief wreaks havoc with your mind and body and soul.

Grief plays nasty head games with you and can take a beautiful day and put it to the depths of hell. Grief does not want you to escape it - ever.

Grief is invisible but becomes loud and present to the grieving parents it visits to and you have to walk in the world as if it is not there. Grief is an unwanted visitor.

Grief is a volcano deep inside your core. It digs, and digs, day after day destroying your inner being.

Grief reminds you of every piece of fragment of your pain and anger and disbelief of what has happened to your child and controls your every emotion. Grief puts a lot of trust in your memory to help it’s cause so to bring up everything bad or things you wish you could change about the relationship you had with your child.

In the beginning, griefs job is so easy. No resistance. The grief moves around in you causing deep valleys of sorrow and pain. Grief can talk you into anything if you let it. Grief tells you life is not worth living.

Grief has very clever and deceptive ways and will go to any means to invoke the rawest, of your emotions. Grief can take the sweetest dream and turn it into your worst nightmare.

We ask ourselves why? Why would grief do such a terrible thing to someone? Why would grief get such pleasure out of someone else's pain?

What else are we suppose to think?

Actually, Grief is doing it’s job.

Grief is there to get you to work whether you want to or not, to work the process of grieving. In addition, do not fool yourself; it is work, hard work and only you can do it. The work is painful but in the end can be victorious.

As you work through the grieving process, you may even find that you are starting to understand and know grief and maybe grief will become your friend. Grief is an on-going job with no end in sight. It is just moments of release from the pain and sorrow.

As you go through the grief process you will begin to understand that a lot of the unrelenting pain, the pictures, and bad dreams will give way to softer memories of smiles and whispers and eyes of love.

~Wings of Hope~Living Forward

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Death of a Loved one

~~~~~

~Death of a Loved one

~~~~~

~Darlene Thomas via ~Death of a Loved one

~~~~~

~I Miss Those Close To Me Who Are Now In Heaven As Beautiful Angels 

~~~~~

~Grieving Mother Jill Compton shared ~Words of Wisdom

~~~~~

~Grieving Mother Jill Compton and ~Grieving Mother Pat Dattoli Wentworth 

          via ~Wings of Hope-Living Forward

~~~~~

We want to be...

Survivor, not victim. Growing, not ignoring. Authentic, not flawless.

~Authentuity









Lead picture and quote by Annie Dillard, thanks to ~Authentuity

Wednesday's Woe - What Death Takes

Wednesday's Woe

What Death Takes

So many lonely nights just struggling to survive

death takes you to places you've never been...

It destroys all your plans and dreams

it takes away your reason for seeking joy

your reason for believing in the future

Years may roll by...

but never a time will come

for your heart to heal and move on...

Death chains what is left of your heart

to that one single moment in time

and it never lets go

Death steals away a love

you just can’t live without

leaves an empty parody

of what you used to be...

Your body lives in the physical realm

but your heart and soul are lost

to another time and place

It’s not about the love you still have

for that is cherished as it always was...

It’s about the life that is gone

the part of yourself

you have to exist without

when death steals your child it also steals...

a brother or sister

an uncle or aunty

a nephew or niece

a grandson or granddaughter

a cousin

a Godfather or Godmother

a friend

a colleague

a son or daughter-in-law

your future grandchildren

Death steals whole futures

and leaves you with only the past

Pictures and objects

and love in your heart...

Memories to treasure

from which you’ll never part

All these...

for long lonely years

you have to make last

~Grieving Mother, TeriAnn Sargent ©2011





Thank you TeriAnn for your poem that captures our Child-Loss Grief and Trauma angst. We post your poem today in loving memory of your precious son, Jared.

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mother Dani MarieBernadette D'Angelo

Tuesday's Trust Permission to Grieve: ~Lisa Menz Kirkland, A Mother Grieving Two Children Shares...

Tuesday's Trust

Permission to Grieve:

~Lisa Menz Kirkland, 

A Mother Grieving Two Children Shares...

I hope y'all don't mind, but I'd like to share another piece that I wrote after my son was killed. As you know, I've lost both of my kids.

I want to let those closest to me try to understand what I am feeling these days. I've done my best to put it into words, even though there is so much more. I cant describe all of my emotions, but maybe this will help.





Sometimes I'm forgetful, cant concentrate and seem distracted....

I'm not losing my mind, I've just lost my kids



Sometimes I ache all over and have a hard time getting out of bed.....

I'm not a hypochondriac....my body and soul ache for my kids



Somedays I seem short tempered and angry.....

I don't need anger management....I just need my kids



Sometimes you might see me staring off into space….I'm not daydreaming, my mind is reliving all that has happened.



If I walk around looking like I've lost my best friend....

well, I have.



If you see me have mood swings, unexpected tears or random emotions....

I'm not hormonal, I just don't know what I will be feeling next.



If I seem cold during the holidays and I'm not filled with joy at Christmastime right now....

I'm not hard-hearted, just trying to grow a new one.



If I turn down your church invitations and seem mad at God right now.....

I haven't turned my back on Him. I have questions and I know He'll be right here for me when I'm ready.



When you see me sad, depressed or listless, don't worry......

I'm not suicidal, I'm trying to learn how to live again.



and if you just don't know what to say....

just say a prayer for me.



Love, Lisa

~Grieving Mother Lisa Menz Kirkland 

via ~Grieving Mother Darlene Thomas 

via ~Grieving Mothers

Thank you to Lisa Menz Kirkland for sharing her broken heart with us. Lisa graciously has given us permission to share her writing as we feel led. 

My heart and prayers are with you Lisa as you grieve your precious children...










Picture - thanks to "Grief, the Unspoken"

Saturday's Sayings - After the Holidays...

Hope you are having a blessed New Year so far...

Saturday's Sayings

After the Holidays...

As we (enter) the "New Year," our thoughts are mixed with every emotion imaginable. We know that turning a page on a calendar and making a resolution will not bring back to us the one thing in life that we long for the most -- our child. Losing a child puts a whole new perspective on the New Year. We will still be traveling the same journey of loss and the reality of that is sometimes overwhelming! God bless every family today in a most special way whose life has been touched by the loss of a child!

~Silent Grief - Child Loss Support

~~~~~

As we have gone through the holidays, there is one thing most of us have been reminded of ...

~My Special Angel

And that is... Grief Has No Holiday!!!

~~~~~

There are times when we simply want to crawl in a hole and give up! Child loss is such a lonely, difficult journey, and so misunderstood by so many. It's exhausting to "play the game of pretend" -- outwardly looking fine, but inside screaming for relief from this ongoing pain of loss. Losing a child heaps tons of pain, guilt, questions, and loneliness on us. And, yet, deep inside we know we must find a way to continue to live. God bless every parent, sibling, grandparent, and family member who is in the midst of this ongoing grief of child loss right now!

~Silent Grief - Child Loss Support

~~~~~

How Important it is to Hear the Griever's Heart...

~Death of a Loved One

If the parents of the children killed in Connecticut are fortunate they will find comfort from friends and family and will have at least someone who will 

listen for as long as it is necessary- 

listen as they sob, moan, cry, scream, blame, deny, question, regret, plead, shut-down; 

listen as they tell the story of their loss, and tell it over and over again, as they must; 

listen as they anguish over whether their child suffered in those last few moments ; 

listen as they question whether they loved their child enough, or were good enough parents; 

listen as they question whether their child was happy and felt loved; 

listen as they question whether they did anything to bring this misfortune upon themselves and their child; 

listen as they question their faith and how a supreme being could have allowed this to happen; 

listen as they wish they were the ones killed instead of their child; 

listen as they question how they can go on living now that their child is dead; 

listen as they blame themselves for not being able to protect their child and not being there to hold and comfort their child in his or her last moments. 

And this is just the beginning for these parents.

~http://tragicloss.blogspot.fr/ 

~~~~

~Betrayed by Love

~~~~~~

~Sun-Gazing

We all need safety amidst our deep grief. Go where there is love and nurturance, not where there is judgment and toxicity...

~~~~~

Our Message to Heaven:

~Grieving Mother, Carol Whisenant Rowe via ~The Compassionate Friends

~~~~~

Our Message from Our Child in Heaven:

~~~~~

~The Social Butterfly

Happy New Year graphic ~from blog, Beautiful and Terrible