Blessed Christmas! Spending Christmas without Merry...

Blessed Christmas!

Spending Christmas without Merry

There are no halls decked with holly

There are no people looking jolly…

There is no door bedecked with a wreath

Just two people swamped with grief…

There are no packages under a tree

And there's no tree, just you and me…

Life is not a bowl, and it has no cherry

Since we lost our child, our darling Merry…

There are Christmas cards from a few friends

Though you find friends are few when your child's life ends…

We do order movies, but they are all about grief,

For shedding our tears does bring us some relief…

There is no shopping, for we find we need no presents;

We just need mourning time as we long for our Merry's presence…

There is no church we can attend,

For, filled with Child-Loss Grief, we find there's no room in the Inn…

But, we do find our Savior hovering near

He brings us grace and even lends His sweet cheer…

For you see, tastes all change when your child dies;

All we need is comfort, and our Lord to wipe our eyes...

He surrounds us with constant reminders of His love

In His scriptures for the brokenhearted filled with Comfort from Above…

He reminds us there's sweetness in our grief with echoes from Above

Because when each tear falls, it's all about the child we both so deeply love…

And somehow He lets us know He understands

For the Son of God was also the Son of man…

For our Lord who was born on that first Christmas night

Was surrounded from day one with Death's horrendous blight…

He too was wounded and acquainted with grief

He knew the feelings of despair that brought Him no relief...

His Father, too, knows our pain from the very bottom of His heart

Because He too lost His precious Child, and the whole world turned dark…

The Holy Spirit comes and joins us in our pain;

He recognizes our grief in each wordless groan He makes…

So somehow, as this Christmas day draws near

Though our hearts are torn without our Merry here,

Our hearts are comforted as God: the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

So tenderly draw near…

Merry, precious Merry, how we miss you our sweet child

Though seasons come and seasons go,

Whether spring winds, summer rains, fall chills, or winter snow,

Our Lord understands that without you our darling child,

Our spirits, this side of Heaven, will be forever riled…

So my bereaved friends, amidst your grief and pain,

May you remember that our God and Savior do truly understand...

With our Lord's sweetest blessings,

 Merry Christmas to all 

and

a God-Blessed and -Comforted New Year!

Poem - Spending Christmas without Merry ~Angie Bennett Prince - December 18, 2014

Top picture, thanks to

Dave Walli 

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/402016704211852748

Bottom picture, thanks to

Dawn Barton

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/402016704211887180

Saturday's Sayings - The Grief that Stole Christmas

Saturday's Sayings

The Grief that Stole Christmas

Merry Christmas Mom

The Holidays are upon us and we feel sadness and fear

Our child is no longer with us and we just want them near.

We remember joy and cheer from all the years past

And how each Christmas Day we always had a blast.

The time leading up to this spectacular day

Should be filled with joy and lots of child play.

As we hang the ornaments on the tree

A special one is placed at the top by me.

As tears roll from my eyes, missing you with all my heart

I suddenly feel peace and know we are not apart.

Your spirit is with me even though you’re not here

Smiling upon the family that you loved so dear.

You sent me a message in a dream last night

To remember your life and your smile so bright.

Remembering to live life as I always did

Loving and giving and being a kid.

Be joyous during this Christmas season

Always remembering, there is a reason.

Keep me close in your heart today and everyday

Always knowing that I love you in each and every way.

Live your life to the fullest with each moment you are given

For you don’t know what is next on the roads that are driven.

Enjoy the Holiday’s with bliss and cheer

Embrace our Family and know I am near.

Take the family pictures as you always do

I am smiling and goofing off as I think of you.

I know you won’t forget me as long as you (are) breathing

So live you(r) life my dear Mom and stop all that grieving.

If I could take away all of your pain

I would in a moment so you wouldn’t feel insane.

I am happy Mom, it’s great up here

I look forward to seeing you when your time draws near.

I will meet you with the biggest hug of all

And you will then know why I didn’t have time to call.

I thought I would throw that in and hope to see you smile

I remember when you missed my calls when it had been awhile.

I love you Mama, always have and always will

You were always there for me even when I was being a pill.

I know each tear you shed and the pain within your heart

But please always remember, we’re really not apart.

I know it doesn’t seem sometimes that I am close and near

But I am holding you Mom, catching your every tear.

Please enjoy your Christmas day with the family who love so much

Just be careful because I might spike the punch.

Know I love you and watch for signs that I am there

And as always we lift our Moms up in prayer.

Enjoy the season and the day

I’ll be taking a ride in Santa's Sleigh

Merry Christmas Mom

~Written by Shirley Tripp-Johnson

(Please do not remove the name of the author, by Shirley Tripp-Johnson.)

"I will be lighting a candle in memory of my son Tripp who was killed when a school bus pulled across traffic striking his car. He died instantly. I love and miss you my sweet Tripp. 10/82 - 02/10 ...Forever in my heart."

*****

“Jesus does his best work at such moments. Just when the truth about life sinks in, his truth starts to surface. He takes us by the hand and dares us not to sweep the facts under the rug but to confront them with Him at our side.”

~Max Lucado

*****

Prayer After the Death of a Child

My life is upside down, loving God. The order of the world is out of place and I can’t do anything to right it again. Oh, Lord, you know the pain in my heart at all times and you know why: my child has died. How can it be that my beloved child is gone? The child I cared for with such concern in every illness, the one I held close to my heart and promised to take care of for a lifetime, is not here for me to care for anymore. It hurts deeply that I wasn’t able to protect this child I love with my whole being from a death that seems so unfair.

Let me feel calm. Let me breathe deeply. Be with me in this kind of deep and transformative pain. I now carry this darkness with me on my back and in my heart, always. It is my burden and my companion.

Lord, there is not a single minute of my life when this loss is not etched so keenly into my brain and heart, whether it is in the middle of a busy day or in those choking moments of grief in the solitary dark of night. Let me be grateful for every minute we had together. Let me treasure those memories and find joy in them.

Help me to deal with people better. They don’t know what to say. They stumble and look away when they see me. They pretend nothing has happened. I know they “don’t want to remind me” but they don’t understand it is with me always, always.

Teach me, Lord. Tell me what you want me to do with this. What am I supposed to learn from this kind of pain? What are you calling me to do?

Open my battered heart and lead me to comfort and peace. Only you can give me the peace I need. Let me feel your presence in my life.

~Grieving Mothers

*****

*****

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died, you know
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry I'm already crying inside
Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent
Pretending it doesn't exist
I'd rather you'd mention my child Knowing that

She has been missed.
You asked me how I'm doing I say "Pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something on-going

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~By Elizabeth Dent

thanks to grieving mother, LL

*****

Twelve Tips For Getting Through the Holidays After Loss:

1. The main thing to remember is just like everyone grieves differently, how you feel about the holidays will also be as individual as you are. They might not even BE difficult for you. Sometimes ordinary days are hardest, not holidays.
2. Perhaps most importantly, acknowledge that the upcoming days or weeks might be really hard. Stating that out loud, even to just yourself, validates it somehow making it more OK to accept your own feelings.
3. Decide what you want to do this year. Do you want to continue traditions or do you want to begin new ones? Or perhaps a combo?
4. Do something specific for your loved one. Some people like to light a candle, display a particular ornament in a special place each year, make a donation in their loved one’s name or volunteer someplace the loved one would have chosen or cared about.
5. Talk about your loved one by sharing memories and stories about them, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Remembering honors them and keeps them with you in a very real sense.
6. Set realistic expectations for yourself. If you don’t feel like doing cards, don’t. If you don’t feel like baking, don’t. If your house isn’t the cleanest, so what?
7. Take care of yourself by getting enough sleep and eating properly. Remember grieving is taxing physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s just plain hard work and it really does tire you out.
8. Try to exercise every day. The benefits are pretty obvious, but worth saying anyway. Exercise relieves stress, helps deter depression and improves your self-esteem.
9. I’ll borrow a quote from a friend’s recent blog post if I may, (which came from Oprah originally) “Surround yourself with only the people who are going to lift you up.” No need to say more.
10. If you need help, ask for it. If you can’t manage with daily chores, shopping or whatever it might be, it’s alright to ask someone to help you.
11. There is now an actual clinical term called “complicated grief.” Kind of a silly name in my opinion, because all grief is complicated. Simply put, it means there is no diminishing of your grief with time. You can’t stop mourning or begin to move on. If you are experiencing this, you probably need professional help. Ask for it. You can find more information on this topic at Mayo Clinic’s website.
12. Remember most people eventually enjoy the holidays again. Hang on to that hope. You will get there. Also, experiencing a few nostalgic or sad moments is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s part of life after loss.

This list is in no way complete, but thinking about these suggestions may perhaps be helpful to some. I hope so. I’m curious about what has been helpful for others, so I hope you’ll consider sharing a comment or suggestion.

What do you do during the holidays, or any day, to remember loved ones no longer with you? What are your suggestions for helping the bereaved get through the holiday season?

~Grieving Mothers

*****

Recognize and embrace your unique suffering and … trust that your way to salvation lies therein. Taking up your cross means, first of all, befriending your wounds and letting them reveal to you your own truth.

*****

HE ONLY TOOK MY HAND

Last night while I was trying to sleep,

My Child’s voice I did hear.

I opened my eyes and Looked around,

But she did not appear.

She said,

“Ma Ma, you gotta’ listen

You’ve got to understand.

God did not take me from you mama,

He only took my hand.”

"When I called out to you in pain that day,

The instant that I died.

He reached down and took my hand

And pulled me to his side.

"He pulled me up and saved me

From the misery and pain

My body hurt so badly inside

I could never be the same.

"My search is over now,

I’ve found happiness within,

All the answers to my empty dreams

And all that might have been.

"I love you all & miss you so,

And I’ll always be nearby~

My body’s gone forever,

But my spirit will never die!

"And so you must go on now,

Live one day at a time,

Just understand,

God did not take me from you,

He only took my hand…."

~Author Unknown

thanks to grieving mother, C.H.

Picture, thanks to grieving mother, Jill Compton

Thank you to the writings of other grieving mothers

Friday's Faith - Fragile! Please Handle ME With Care At Christmas Time!

Friday's Faith

Fragile!

Please Handle ME With Care

At Christmas Time!

Special Handling Please

I was handed a package the other day.

It was wrapped securely to be mailed away.

Attached to the outside as plain as could be

Was a simple note for all to see.

Please rush through the holiday season;

Too painful to open for any reason.

Contained within find one broken heart --

Fragile, broken, fallen apart.

Tried to go shopping the other day;

The hype of the season blew me away.

Sat down to write cards,

That was insane.

Couldn't find the list

Or think of my name.

People say, "Come over, be of good cheer."

"Celebrate the holidays, prepare a new year."

But my grief overwhelms me

Like waves in the sea.

Can they cope with my crying,

An unsettled me?

I don't have any holiday cheer.

Decorations, traditions, big family meal

I can't do it this year.

Do you know how I feel?

Guilty and frustrated!

I've let everyone down!

Our holiday celebrations

Used to be the best in town.

So just ship me away

Address unknown

When my grief is better

I might fly home.

~Lovingly lifted from TCF/Atlanta

*****

One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.

You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.

Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.

~Romans 14:5,10,13,17-18 NIV

Picture, thanks to 123rf.com

Scripture, New International Version

Thursday's Therapy - Ahhh! The Illusions and Delusions of The Holiday Season! ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Thursday's Therapy

Ahhh! The Illusions and Delusions

of The Holiday Season!

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

The trauma of losing a child takes away the defense mechanisms you used to have that helped to guard against acknowledging the truth, against seeing certain unwanted-stark-realities that were too ugly to fit into our "idealized," "magical" view of reality. For example, pre-child-loss, we might have been able to see, say, our families-of-origin as "one big happy family." Post-child-loss, we suddenly are hit with accommodating and assimilating a new reality, that of the death of our child, a reality we never, ever wanted to happen; then, suddenly, it seems we are hit with many other ugly doses of reality we never wanted to see but actually may have been always been present in some ways. So that the "one-big-happy-family" becomes exposed to see what's underneath ~ some exposed as truly loving, kind hearts, others exposed as well… quite the opposite to where we suddenly realize,

These people are not who we thought they were!!!

We begin to realize we have been deluding ourselves into thinking people were something they were not.

When suddenly hit with child-loss, you are also suddenly hit with any delusions or illusions that over the years, had sneaked into your world-view. When you are grieving and reduced to a shell of who you once were, you have few defenses ready, and little energy left for any additional fights against your war-torn system, so suddenly, you find you must be aware of any idealizing that has crept in, any illusions or delusions that could muddy the waters of a healthy existence in which you are in touch with Reality, not life-as-you-want-it-to be. You are suddenly caught up in a battle for survival, and you had better know where your "enemies" are… Enemies such as toxic, narcissistic people who are serving their own interests and have agendas for you that don't recognize nor respect your new limitations that come with your severe loss.

Instead of coming alongside us to comfort us, these kinds of people do not want to be inconvenienced, nor have their illusive world-view challenged, so instead of their comforting you, you may find they turn on you with a vengeance with demanded expectations that you dump your grief and get back into the "swing of things" -- pronto! As if you were a cold-hearted automaton with no depths of warm feelings for the years and years of love poured into your precious child.

H.e.a.r.t.l.e.s.s. These people have become heartless, and they want you to do the same. Unless of course you are directing your energies toward serving their interests -- then you are allowed to show a great deal of zeal and passion!

Illusion: a false idea or belief, a deceptive appearance or impression

Delusion: an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument

Illusions and Delusions paint a false view of reality, and we -- of all people -- know that we are forced to deal with reality, as ugly and as painful as it may be. To be given pipe dreams is a false-comfort we can have no tolerance for.

What are some of the Illusions and Delusions of the current holiday season?

• Ahhh! Christmas is here. This is a time that worldly possessions thrown into your life are going to be such a "comfort" to your soul!!!

• Santa Claus makes everything magical.

• Family-togetherness is always good, even magical! Family-togetherness (even when toxicity is interlaced) is supposed to suddenly turn "all-magical" on that one day of Christmas!

• Shop-till-you-drop is supposed to be evidence of your love for someone.

There are many more, but hopefully, you catch our drift… Perhaps you can comment and add some of your own observations of how we often try to fool ourselves during these holidays…

As child-loss grievers, we are suddenly fragile emotionally, and must protect our war-torn hearts, minds, souls, spirits, and bodies. So, for example, getting together with family members, (some of whom, since your child-loss, have been unkind at best, or downright cruel at worst) is supposedly a "magical" time, so you should suddenly drop everything and want to be a part of such a gathering. Therefore, family members may be insisting you delude yourself against the toxic realities you have unfortunately observed and experienced, and to which your heart has, of-necessity, opened your eyes to… You have some hard decisions to make that may upset the apple cart in some ways - but perhaps, in the long run, in ways that are actually good for everyone as no one needs to live under illusions and delusions. We hope that ~as Indiana Jones says~ you will "Choose wisely!"

So, may you have a wonderful "get-through" Christmas,

or better yet, spend the time wisely ~

Rest, Meditate, and Focus on the true meaning of the season -

- that Love came down for us at Christmas to bring Life to our souls, and to rescue our children from death and into the loving arms of our Savior for all eternity!

Picture: http://img2.timeinc.net/health/images/slides/11-tree-fire-400x400.jpg

Thursday's Therapy - Holiday Sanity ~Child-Loss Grievers' Reminder List - 19 Symptoms Grieving Parents Have that Others May Totally Miss

Thursday's Therapy

Holiday Sanity

~Child-Loss Grievers' Reminder List

19 Symptoms Grieving Parents Have that Others May Totally Miss

{A Reminder List to Take With You

to Keep Your Sanity during Holiday Get-Togethers}

(if you should decide you indeed are able to attend)

• High anxiety
• Agitation
• Disability - usually invisible to others on the outside
• Physiologically Traumatized Brain
• Lifetime Grief = Time it's going to take to deal with child-loss grief
• Necessary Changes that must come in our life as we discover our "New Normal"
• Need for Grief's Clarity - Knowing what really matters versus (for instance) our culture's habit of deifying holidays, rituals, etc.
• Dealing with Grief's Demands - Amount of the level or degree of the griever's life that it takes to deal with the grief
• Incapacitation of higher-level functioning - Survival itself is hard enough to do - Habitual behaviors now become difficult to do, much less the detailed, complicated functions that need to be accomplished. (eg, Billing, Bidding, Buying, Managing our households, Managing our businesses)
• Battling Unrealistic Expectations from others - {Family members, Do not EVER put your expectations on us. WE have to manage our lives, and odds are, they are going to look VERY different than what you have in mind for us.}
• PTSD (Often, child-loss grievers have many symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - see our past posts on PTSD for lists)
• Fight-Flight-or-Freeze Syndrome that comes with enduring child-loss trauma
• Assumptive-Belief Conundrum -All you ever thought or knew the world to be about is now subject to question; this includes re-working your faith and beliefs from the ground up
• Hyper-Arousal causes us to self-protect because any little stimuli can send us into a cortisol (stress-hormone) uproar that may take days, weeks, or months to resolve and we already have quite enough on the plate to walk through without adding any further toxicity from unhealthy relationships
• Hyper-Vigilance - Our child has already died/been killed; our systems are naturally looking around every corner for the next disaster to come down, and our hearts and brains are immediately put on notice to search for a way to stop what seems to be an inevitable disastrous consequence, whether that disastrous consequence is actually going to pan out or not, we (our involuntary, autonomic systems) think the worst and try to prepare ourselves for tragedy...these reactions can be instantaneous, moving from fear to (feelings of imminent) disaster in mere moments...
• Added Secondary Traumas - Others' expectations for normalcy in us are devastating and become for us a secondary trauma that can be as painful to grapple with as our very decimating loss of our child
• Identity Confusion - Not knowing who we are now, nor what we are capable of doing now or in the future
• Accommodation and Assimilation of our Grief are the actions called for over time in order for us to walk through this grief and trauma, but we will NEVER "get over it" / that "Get Over It" attitude is Incomprehensible to us for such a deep and devastating loss as that of losing our precious child
• Financial Crisis that such major grief and trauma throws us into - we are simply incapable of accomplishing all that we did before because approximately 90% of our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls are of necessity needing to be poured into grieving our deep grief

May your holidays be blessed and nurturing!

Picture: images.Google.com