Thursday's Therapy - Surviving Mother's Day

Thursday's Therapy

Surviving Mother's Day

Every Angel Parent can face the ultimate tragedy and survive. It's the day-to-day living, after the fact, that will bring you to your knees. 

~Barbara Karrer, Grieving Mothers

We know holidays are bad, simply bad. Tommy and I laughed tonight as we pondered the thought of "moving our anniversary" date to another month since our wedding anniversary falls just nine days after Merry Katherine's birth date, but we couldn't find a month in the whole year that didn't have something in it that makes the month hard for us to survive! But you can imagine how "cooked" we are after her birthday; there is no way we feel like "celebrating" just days later! So, yes, all holidays are bad:

Christmas. New Years. Son's Birthday. Tommy's Birthday. Valentines Day. Merry Katherine's Birthday. Son and Daughter-in-law's Anniversary. Daughter-in-law's Birthday. Son's Birthday. Mother's Day. Father's Day. July 4th. Death Day. Ellie's Birthday. My Birthday. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Wow! A lot of days that are extra-sad!

But it hit me tonight that Mother's Day (and Father's Day as well) is universally bad among bereaved parents. A day that has been so special with special family (complete-family) memories now becomes sad because one of our precious children is not here to celebrate. What are family holidays for if one of the "family" can never be with us to "celebrate"?

The absence of her presence looms large through the room, and we just can't do it! 

At least not yet we can't.


Part of the pain is --- she is not here. The other part, possibly equally painful, is that we love our sons, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter dearly, and we so hate that our limitations make us so "abby-normal" that we simply cannot meet on that day. So add to our pain and grief the disheartening realization that we are likely disappointing the others in our family whom we love equally!

Well, "That's just what be's!" my sons tease me. It is what it is. They graciously take us where we are, always knowing we can "celebrate" on another day. We are blessed to have two tender sons who love us in spite of ourselves.

TeriAnn is so right in her graphic when she says,

"A mother's grief and mourning knows NO end,  

her love--- NO boundaries."

~TeriAnn Sargent 

So, what do you do when the Grief-and-Mourning and Love compete against one another on this special day?

These therapists are stumped!


P.S., Just stumbled upon Tanya Lord's suggestions for holidays that grace-fully address our broken hearts' situation:

I guess what we unwittingly have been doing is practicing three of these wonderful rules:

"Allow traditions to change to accommodate the missing space." 

"Allow me to say no to invitations." 

"Remember that much of what I do is a reflection of my grief not my feelings about the holiday or my friends and families. Though I am hurting I still love and care."

(Thank you Tanya Lord of "The Grief Toolbox" for your very sensitive and caring suggestions!)

~Sweet blessings to all your grieving hearts~









Top graphic - Thank you to 
Barbara Karrer of Grieving Mothers Muzy
http://grievingmothers.muzy.com/?next_start=1349230938#lightbox_post_89889660

Other graphics, thanks to

TeriAnn Sargent, Grieving Mother,
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=315809168567565&set=pb.118424748306009.-2207520000.1398549550.&type=3&permPage=1

Tanya Lord of The Grief Toolbox,
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=139176552897495&set=pb.118424748306009.-2207520000.1398556725.&type=3&theater

both, found on Facebook's

2012: Love and Loss

Black Friday Thoughts - Child-Loss Grief Redefines Values

Black Friday Thoughts

Child-Loss Grief Redefines Values

Tommy and I were talking this "Black Friday" morning about how our values have been redefined, or perhaps better, clarified, since entering Child-Loss Grief. How many years when our children were young did I hit the malls early on Black Friday to get the best deals? I noticed I just wore myself out and exposed myself to many germs just in time to get sick for the holidays. And for what? 

As Tommy says "Child-Loss has exposed our stupidity!" "Stupidity": the things we get caught up in without thinking. It was easy for me to get caught up in the hubbub of the season just because everyone else was doing it and we could save a few dollars... That is, if we don't end up impulse buying along with it ...which I usually did, also getting caught up in the "magic" of the season, rather, more accurately, getting caught up in the "magical thinking" of the season. We tried to recreate the "magic" we felt we had had as children for our own children, yet what did we do? Over-indulge them? Probably.

We have had to reconsider all our actions, and when you are looking forward to having a Christmas to yourself, with nobody around, it helps you to stop and think, "What's really important here?" Of course, for us, the age of our living children helps tremendously. It seems much wiser to give them a more reasonable amount of money so that they can find what they most want instead of us taking energy we don't have to track down those items. So this form of giving becomes the extent of our involvement with "stuff," and that is more apropos to where we really are these days. 

Then it seems we are left with more energy for enjoying the proverbial "real reason for the season" which is captured in the picture at the top of our post. 

Picture, thanks to blog: "Stuff Christians Like" by Jon Acuff

Tuesday's Trust - Holidays… Across Two Planets…

Tuesday's Trust

Holidays…

Across 

Two Planets…

/

THE WORST DAYS now are holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Pentecost, birthdays, weddings, January 31---days meant as festivals of happiness and joy now are days of tears. The gap is too great between day and heart. Days of routine I can manage; no songs are expected. But how am I to sing in this desolate land, when there's always one too few?

~Nicholas Wolterstorff

Your days of happiness…

are now my… 

Days of Tears

My heart…

is ripped out of me.

Do you

want

to watch it bleed?

My heart…

is ripped to pieces.

Yet,

for you…

I must 

clean up the bleed?

Normal days are okay;

In the routine,

I can fare…

But to party?

To party with you..

When I…

I can't find my baby…

Any...

...where?

You?

You want a pretty picture.

But for me?

My heart is

bleeding…

Every

where…

If you 

could look

in the walls 

of my chest…

The 

Depth

of 

the 

Well 

of 

Grief…

Is ...

always

There…

Now I'm to

Party?

Amidst Decimation…?

Our lives

cannot compare.

To pretend to Party…

In the depths of the S.A.D. …

Sucks my world

of all …

its air...

Love hurts…

beyond explanation…

Can you

please show

you care???

And please… 

leave me

quite alone,

but…

surrounded

by 

your

prayer...

Pictures, thanks to Google images

Poem - Holidays… Across the Planets… / Your days of happiness… are now my… Days of Tears - Angie Bennett Prince - 11/11/2012

Thursday's Therapy - Learning to "Let Go" to "Get Through" the Sacred Holidays ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Thursday's Therapy

Learning to

"Let Go" to "Get Through"

the Sacred Holidays

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

"Letting Go" of our traditions amidst the sacred holidays has saved us.

It seems the way to "get through" the sacred holidays is to "let go"!

For example, we tried to do our regular traditions during the sacred Christmas holidays of that first year of having just lost Merry Katherine just 4 1/2 months before. We wanted to keep things as "normal" as we could for both our grieving sons (and for us as well). We did change rooms, from the living room to our more informal den, from where we had celebrated consistently over these many years of our children's lives, celebrating around the Christmas tree, opening presents from "Santa" and from one another, etc., but we continued with a fairly big Christmas celebration along with our usual focus on the nativity story from the Bible, singing Christmas hymns around the piano (or pee-nan-nee-o as Merry Katherine had always called it as a young child), and sharing our lives with one another as we shared our hearts, etc. So, for that first year, we continued with our normal traditions of putting up the Christmas tree, adding all the lights, and all the ornaments, and spreading presents around underneath the tree.

Tommy:

"But when I pulled out the stockings, I ran across Merry Katherine's stocking first, and cried for two hours. Then I ran across her "spinning ballerina" ornament that she just loved, and that was another good hour of crying... So just putting up and decorating a Christmas tree was traumatic."

Last year (4 years later), in contrast, we put up our usual manger scene and candles, but put up only a simple artificial tree with lights (just the twinkling lights alone are such a comfort for Angie), and then used only our hand-made Biblical "scarlet-thread-through-the-Bible"* ornaments that we had made together with our children when they were small, and that was all the decorations we had. So sweet.

*"Scarlet-thread-through-the-Bible" ornaments are the ornaments we made which represent the genealogy of Jesus through which God worked to show His salvation plan through "signs" and "shadows" of what was to come, all of which were to be fulfilled through the coming birth, life, death, resurrection, and second coming of His Son Jesus Christ. (We will have to share more about this later. It is a really sweet tradition that we have so many fond memories of as our children would read aloud what each ornament represented in pointing toward Jesus, and their antics were such humorous memory-makers for us, as well as the ways the gospel penetrated their souls through these repetitive reminders of God's loving grace toward us through the centuries before us are so touching in retrospect.)

So in other words, our "salvation" in staying "sane" through the sacred holidays has been in more and more "letting go" of the more pagan traditions of Santa Claus, elaborately decorated Christmas trees (Angie loved to have one in almost every room of our house if she could!), and all the other "hoopla" that surrounds such magical thinking, and returning to the MAIN reason for a true celebration ~ and that is

For unto you today is born a Savior which is "Jesus Christ our Lord," ~ the Christ-Child who is "Emmanuel," "God-with-us."

Note: While writing this post, we each were majorly triggered in different ways. Our faith in God and our feelings of comfort from God are such basic foundations to help us endure our loss of Merry Katherine, and in learning to function again after her loss. Such major triggering is evidence that God our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord, as well as the Holy Spirit who fills our hearts today are the CORE to who we are, who our children are, where our child Merry Katherine IS right now, and so, any tampering or even talking about such sacred subjects can easily bring us to our knees in pain and angst as well as reach through to soothe and comfort our broken hearts in a way that no other force in this world can even begin to touch...

So far this year, we have up only a tiny little artificial tree with lights and trinkets scattered through it, but a massive Advent wreath with candles and beautiful angels surrounding it (along with a beautiful paper mache angel Merry Katherine had made in Girl Scouts), surrounding the nativity scene, which is also surrounded with miniature palm trees and all the pertinent worshipping shepherds, animals, and wise men. So far, so good, but we've four days to go! Holding on, hoping we can continue to "let go"!

Picture, thanks to Google Images

Wednesday's Woe - The Shock of "Merry" Christmas

Just one of the many greetings which has my baby's name in it...

Wednesday's Woe

The Shock of "Merry" Christmas

Holidays are bad enough. Christmas is hard enough after having lost our child. But for us, with our child's first name being "Merry," it seems almost impossible. Her siblings and friends always called her "Merry." The first Christmas or two after Merry Katherine was gone, I had some interesting experiences with text messaging. On my phone, all I would see by a text message until I clicked it would be one word... I saw by the phone number that popped up on my phone that I had received a text message from my hairdresser of many years. I was shocked at what she might have to tell me as the only word that I saw was, "MERRY" (my daughter also had been her hairdresser customer) ~ and my first thought was "HAS MERRY BEEN FOUND?!!!" and was greatly shocked and even disappointed to just read a Christmas greeting from her of "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" because however sweet it really was intended, it was a let down because my hopes had been driven up so high by just one precious word... I knew of course she would have no way of knowing that all I would see at first was my child's name, so I accepted the gracious reaching out that she had intended.

But later in the afternoon, I received a text from my oldest child, my son Rollin. We had all been to the beach together that second Christmas holiday, but he had to return home early before Christmas to close the deal on a new house he and his fiancee would be purchasing as their wedding was coming up soon thereafter. So, back at home before we were, he was texting me a message. I saw his name, and then I saw right beside his name was, "MERRY" and my heart leaped once again to the excitement that she must be here(!) only once again to be disappointed by the excited Christmas greeting inside: "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" So, even my son had stepped into that texting trap accidentally, wanting to send a loving greeting to his mother that instead melted her to tears... (thankfully, he didn't know that however!)

My younger son called me from down in Georgia last week, having been greatly triggered by some sweet Christian songs on his radio that he and Merry had loved. Then he added, "All these billboards down here with "Merry" on them are driving me crazy as they wish us a "Merry Christmas"! I see them everywhere! Living away from home now after his having lived with us these past three years since college ended for him, he was anticipating coming to visit us for the holidays and was thrown into the deep grief of knowing that unlike most of the Christmases of his life, his baby sister (just two years younger than he, and like a best-friend to him) would not be here awaiting his arrival to enjoy the laid-back days of the holidays together. It also didn't help that he had received the devastating news from here that two of his very good friends from middle school and high school had just died last week, one from "natural" causes and one murdered... They were just 25 and 26 years old, one 8 1/2 months pregnant, and the other had a 4-year-old baby girl. And of course we all know the devastation ahead for these parents...

Picture, thanks to Google Image

Saturday's Sayings - The Grief that Stole Christmas

Saturday's Sayings

The Grief that Stole Christmas

Merry Christmas Mom

The Holidays are upon us and we feel sadness and fear

Our child is no longer with us and we just want them near.

We remember joy and cheer from all the years past

And how each Christmas Day we always had a blast.

The time leading up to this spectacular day

Should be filled with joy and lots of child play.

As we hang the ornaments on the tree

A special one is placed at the top by me.

As tears roll from my eyes, missing you with all my heart

I suddenly feel peace and know we are not apart.

Your spirit is with me even though you’re not here

Smiling upon the family that you loved so dear.

You sent me a message in a dream last night

To remember your life and your smile so bright.

Remembering to live life as I always did

Loving and giving and being a kid.

Be joyous during this Christmas season

Always remembering, there is a reason.

Keep me close in your heart today and everyday

Always knowing that I love you in each and every way.

Live your life to the fullest with each moment you are given

For you don’t know what is next on the roads that are driven.

Enjoy the Holiday’s with bliss and cheer

Embrace our Family and know I am near.

Take the family pictures as you always do

I am smiling and goofing off as I think of you.

I know you won’t forget me as long as you (are) breathing

So live you(r) life my dear Mom and stop all that grieving.

If I could take away all of your pain

I would in a moment so you wouldn’t feel insane.

I am happy Mom, it’s great up here

I look forward to seeing you when your time draws near.

I will meet you with the biggest hug of all

And you will then know why I didn’t have time to call.

I thought I would throw that in and hope to see you smile

I remember when you missed my calls when it had been awhile.

I love you Mama, always have and always will

You were always there for me even when I was being a pill.

I know each tear you shed and the pain within your heart

But please always remember, we’re really not apart.

I know it doesn’t seem sometimes that I am close and near

But I am holding you Mom, catching your every tear.

Please enjoy your Christmas day with the family who love so much

Just be careful because I might spike the punch.

Know I love you and watch for signs that I am there

And as always we lift our Moms up in prayer.

Enjoy the season and the day

I’ll be taking a ride in Santa's Sleigh

Merry Christmas Mom

~Written by Shirley Tripp-Johnson

(Please do not remove the name of the author, by Shirley Tripp-Johnson.)

"I will be lighting a candle in memory of my son Tripp who was killed when a school bus pulled across traffic striking his car. He died instantly. I love and miss you my sweet Tripp. 10/82 - 02/10 ...Forever in my heart."

*****

“Jesus does his best work at such moments. Just when the truth about life sinks in, his truth starts to surface. He takes us by the hand and dares us not to sweep the facts under the rug but to confront them with Him at our side.”

~Max Lucado

*****

Prayer After the Death of a Child

My life is upside down, loving God. The order of the world is out of place and I can’t do anything to right it again. Oh, Lord, you know the pain in my heart at all times and you know why: my child has died. How can it be that my beloved child is gone? The child I cared for with such concern in every illness, the one I held close to my heart and promised to take care of for a lifetime, is not here for me to care for anymore. It hurts deeply that I wasn’t able to protect this child I love with my whole being from a death that seems so unfair.

Let me feel calm. Let me breathe deeply. Be with me in this kind of deep and transformative pain. I now carry this darkness with me on my back and in my heart, always. It is my burden and my companion.

Lord, there is not a single minute of my life when this loss is not etched so keenly into my brain and heart, whether it is in the middle of a busy day or in those choking moments of grief in the solitary dark of night. Let me be grateful for every minute we had together. Let me treasure those memories and find joy in them.

Help me to deal with people better. They don’t know what to say. They stumble and look away when they see me. They pretend nothing has happened. I know they “don’t want to remind me” but they don’t understand it is with me always, always.

Teach me, Lord. Tell me what you want me to do with this. What am I supposed to learn from this kind of pain? What are you calling me to do?

Open my battered heart and lead me to comfort and peace. Only you can give me the peace I need. Let me feel your presence in my life.

~Grieving Mothers

*****

*****

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died, you know
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry I'm already crying inside
Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent
Pretending it doesn't exist
I'd rather you'd mention my child Knowing that

She has been missed.
You asked me how I'm doing I say "Pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something on-going

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~By Elizabeth Dent

thanks to grieving mother, LL

*****

Twelve Tips For Getting Through the Holidays After Loss:

1. The main thing to remember is just like everyone grieves differently, how you feel about the holidays will also be as individual as you are. They might not even BE difficult for you. Sometimes ordinary days are hardest, not holidays.
2. Perhaps most importantly, acknowledge that the upcoming days or weeks might be really hard. Stating that out loud, even to just yourself, validates it somehow making it more OK to accept your own feelings.
3. Decide what you want to do this year. Do you want to continue traditions or do you want to begin new ones? Or perhaps a combo?
4. Do something specific for your loved one. Some people like to light a candle, display a particular ornament in a special place each year, make a donation in their loved one’s name or volunteer someplace the loved one would have chosen or cared about.
5. Talk about your loved one by sharing memories and stories about them, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Remembering honors them and keeps them with you in a very real sense.
6. Set realistic expectations for yourself. If you don’t feel like doing cards, don’t. If you don’t feel like baking, don’t. If your house isn’t the cleanest, so what?
7. Take care of yourself by getting enough sleep and eating properly. Remember grieving is taxing physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s just plain hard work and it really does tire you out.
8. Try to exercise every day. The benefits are pretty obvious, but worth saying anyway. Exercise relieves stress, helps deter depression and improves your self-esteem.
9. I’ll borrow a quote from a friend’s recent blog post if I may, (which came from Oprah originally) “Surround yourself with only the people who are going to lift you up.” No need to say more.
10. If you need help, ask for it. If you can’t manage with daily chores, shopping or whatever it might be, it’s alright to ask someone to help you.
11. There is now an actual clinical term called “complicated grief.” Kind of a silly name in my opinion, because all grief is complicated. Simply put, it means there is no diminishing of your grief with time. You can’t stop mourning or begin to move on. If you are experiencing this, you probably need professional help. Ask for it. You can find more information on this topic at Mayo Clinic’s website.
12. Remember most people eventually enjoy the holidays again. Hang on to that hope. You will get there. Also, experiencing a few nostalgic or sad moments is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s part of life after loss.

This list is in no way complete, but thinking about these suggestions may perhaps be helpful to some. I hope so. I’m curious about what has been helpful for others, so I hope you’ll consider sharing a comment or suggestion.

What do you do during the holidays, or any day, to remember loved ones no longer with you? What are your suggestions for helping the bereaved get through the holiday season?

~Grieving Mothers

*****

Recognize and embrace your unique suffering and … trust that your way to salvation lies therein. Taking up your cross means, first of all, befriending your wounds and letting them reveal to you your own truth.

*****

HE ONLY TOOK MY HAND

Last night while I was trying to sleep,

My Child’s voice I did hear.

I opened my eyes and Looked around,

But she did not appear.

She said,

“Ma Ma, you gotta’ listen

You’ve got to understand.

God did not take me from you mama,

He only took my hand.”

"When I called out to you in pain that day,

The instant that I died.

He reached down and took my hand

And pulled me to his side.

"He pulled me up and saved me

From the misery and pain

My body hurt so badly inside

I could never be the same.

"My search is over now,

I’ve found happiness within,

All the answers to my empty dreams

And all that might have been.

"I love you all & miss you so,

And I’ll always be nearby~

My body’s gone forever,

But my spirit will never die!

"And so you must go on now,

Live one day at a time,

Just understand,

God did not take me from you,

He only took my hand…."

~Author Unknown

thanks to grieving mother, C.H.

Picture, thanks to grieving mother, Jill Compton

Thank you to the writings of other grieving mothers