Wednesday's Woe - Ode to Joy... or Perhaps, Lid to Joy? ~Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Ode to Joy... or Perhaps, Lid to Joy?

~Tommy Prince

There seems to be an unseen lid on feeling good about things. It's like there's a limit to positive feelings. Positive feelings don't go as far as they used to, or only seem to go up to a certain level. It's like approaching things or events with a guardedness rather than an excitement or a reckless abandon. Spontaneity seems squelched or watered down.

Angie asks if I'm excited about the next band gig and I'll say, "I think so." I'm all too aware now of how things can fall apart or the unexpected can come our way.

The world is now seen as one large Trigger.

When I walk out the door, who or what will I see, and will it trigger me, and will I be able to handle it when I'm triggered? I seem to keep forgetting I am not the same person I was, and that the world as I once knew it has been shattered...

Wednesday's Woe - Which Is More Cruel? ~Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Which Is More Cruel?

~Tommy Prince

It's come a time when we need to change out her bedroom…

Which is more cruel?

To leave her belongings out to ever remind you she's not here and each of those items could trigger you, or

To go through her things one by one, touching every item with its reminders of her: how she used them, read them, or wore them, etc. while she was here…with you…when life was normal?

Even if Plan B is the better option, good luck getting it done, and staying in one piece to do it.

Risk ~ if you leave belongings in place and you pass by them, you may or may not get triggered. But boxing her things up, having to touch all of her things guarantees you will get triggered…

Wiping tears and blowing your nose every few minutes slows you down, but you bear with that to get through.

The thing that got me was the high school graduation class tee-shirt with everybody's names on the back, and there was her name along with everybody else's …who are… all... still here…

Wednesday's Woe - She is Everywhere… ~Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

She is Everywhere…

~Tommy Prince

I saw her everywhere today but I didn't see her… 

College girls were everywhere today in Walmart preparing for Halloween maybe, and so many of them "were" her…

I saw her height. I saw her hair...

I heard her laugh. I saw her outfits. 

I smelled her fragrance. I saw her festive personality.

I saw little bits of her all over the place.

I wasn't undone by it today ~ that was different. I was startled; I did have to do some deep breathing to stay present. We are going into the sixth year, but in the past ~over the past 5 years~ I would have broken down, would have had to go out to the car and cry for an hour; and then I would have been ruined for the next two to three days. 

But today… I saw her everywhere.

She was everywhere, but she was nowhere…

Pictures, thanks to Google Images

Friday's Faith - When Trying to Clean Her Room...

Friday's Faith

When Trying to Clean Her Room...

What's a parent to do

When the child for whom you're longing

Leaves behind only her belongings?

It breaks your heart in two.

Each little note she's written

Expressing her childlike heart

Gives your heart a wrenching start

For this child for whom you're smitten.

Each outfit that you touch

Takes your heart right back to when

Her life with yours was so tightly woven-in,

Yet now ripped apart, it hurts your heart so much.

Each stuffed animal that she hugged

Now just stares at you, forlorn

For the little girl who from them was so abruptly torn;

You hold onto them and cry while your aching heart is tugged.

What are parents to do who've been left behind

By the child they so dearly loved

Leaving only her belongings behind

When each and ev'ry one of them reminds them of her love?

When cleaning piles up from her room,

It seems to pile upon our gloom.

It's as if each pile we pack,

Piles upon our grief pile stack...

And yet our God provides a vision

Of our little girl in Heaven

Helping Him to build her Heavenly room

...With each loving stack we've packed in gloom.

As she builds with Him her room Above,

There's stack upon stack of our symbols of love

Surrounding her to comfort her

With current signs of our love for her.

And since she knows we'll rejoin her soon

She helps her God prepare our room...

Our God of Love makes all love's symbols fit together

As lovingly as a mother bird selects each nest's feather

To build His child a room of love

Reflecting Love's Spirit throughout her Home above.

And He reveals to us we too have a part

In continuing to build up our child's heart,

So now we embrace each loving symbol,

Knowing her Heavenly room will, such love, resemble

Till we too can gather There where all His children will assemble.

Our child, when we gather your things together now,

We will weep,

But we will also before our Father gratefully bow,

Thanking Him that in His loving arms you sleep...

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers 

Monday's Mourning Ministry - I See Her... / Missing You ~Billy Ray Cyrus

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Missing You

~Billy Ray Cyrus

~

I See Her...

In the star, I see her twinkling at me,

In the rock, I see her stability.

In th’ white dove, I see her gentle ways,

In the river, I see her refreshing gaze.

In the rose, I see her bright, sweet smile,

In the lotus, I see her bright, fresh style.

In bread, I see her enlivening mood,

In the moon, I see her darkening brood.

In roots, I see her grounding influence,

In the owl, I see her sharp discernments.

In the breath, I feel her quickened presence,

In God’s beauty, I sense her sweet essence.

In Your creation, I am reminded

I’d still see her, ev’n if I were blinded!

*****

Missing You

~Billy Ray Cyrus

~

A Mother's Lament for a Son:

Video by TeriAnn Sargent for her son,

Jarred Steven Sargent

3/19/1984 - 11/5/2010

I live for the phone

I die for the mail

I took your picture

right off the nail

And put it right by my bed

So I could see you instead

Of the darkness of night

I hold conversations

with you in my mind

They only tighten

this knot deep inside

And the aching won't end

'Til i hold you again

If I only survive...

Why did you have to go

Why am I missing you so?

One heartbeat at a time

I'm going out of my mind

Missing you...

Missing you

I started a letter

I stared at your name

There wasn't a line

that didn't echo my pain

There was no sound at all

With the slow lonely fall

Of an unspoken tear.

Why did you have to go

Why am I missing you so?

One heartbeat at a time

I'm going out of my mind

Missing you...

Missing you

Life may take us

In different directions

But I'll always end up

deeper, deeper

in my true affection

Why did you have to go

Why am I missing you so?

One heartbeat at a time

I'm going out of my mind

Missing you...

Missing you

Missing you...

Missing you

Missing you...

Missing you

Missing you...

Missing you

Missing you darling

Missing you baby

Missing you...

Missing you

*****

"I sometimes hold it half a sin

to put in words the grief I feel

For words, like Nature, half reveal

And half conceal the soul within."

~Alfred Lord Tennyson

This is how it feels

when the sacred is torn

from your life...

and the

"dark night of the soul"

becomes your constant

companion

Picture - Thanks to Grieving Mothers

Poem – I See Her - Angie Bennett Prince - 11/5/08

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LttBKtzSgA

Wednesday's Woe - Your Closet...

A Girl's Closet, originally uploaded by Sophie Schirmer Photography.

Wednesday's Woe

Your Closet

"How long your closet held a whiff of you,

Long after hangers hung austere and bare.

I would walk in and suddenly the true

Sharp sweet sweat scent controlled the air

And life was in that small still living breath.

Where are you? since so much of you is here,

Your unique odour quite ignoring death.

My hands reach out to touch, to hold what's dear

And vital in my longing empty arms.

But other clothes fill up the space, your space,

And scent on scent send out strange false alarms.

Not of your odour there is not a trace.

But something unexpected still breaks through

The goneness to the presentness of you."

~Poem by Madeleine L'Engle

photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gypsygirlphotography/2317446997/

~Poem by Madeleine L'Engle, The Ordering of Love: The New and Collected Poems of Madeleine L'Engle

Thursday's Therapy - The Importance of Recognizing the TRAUMA in Our Child-Loss Grief

Thursday's Therapy

The Importance of Recognizing the

TRAUMA

in Our Child-Loss Grief

A friend and fellow child-loss grieving mother directed me to this website this week to assess what another psychological practitioner had to say about PTSD and trauma. This practitioner's perspective toward trauma was invaluable. In her article, Barbara Steffens, PhD, LPCC, CCSAS was specifically addressing the trauma that a spouse experiences whose partner struggles with sexual addiction, but I immediately saw parallels to what we as child-loss grievers experience in our own grief and child-loss trauma. So I have revised the wording to assess the similar dilemma of us child-loss grievers in walking through the devastating trauma of losing our child in death. My revisions of Dr. Steffens' words with my own words are in parentheses. Highlights are also mine. Dr. Steffens' full article is listed at the bottom of the post.

...(A child-loss griever should be treated as)...someone who has encountered a threatening and traumatic life event that results in emotional and behavioral responses common to those who have survived traumatic events.

(A) trauma survivor (will make) attempts to re-establish safety following experiencing something that was very unsafe or life threatening.

A traumatized person will go to great lengths to attempt to find safety and security again...

(These reactions simply mean the grievers have been traumatized and are trying to regain enough of a safety-net of reduced toxicity so that they are safe enough to begin to heal. Grievers may need to set boundaries, for instance, with "toxic" people, but this does not mean the griever is trying to "control" people; s/he is merely trying to create a safe environment for healing to take place, for

Child-Loss Grievers) often feel as if their lives have been turned upside down and shattered.

What does PTSD feel like?

...Most (people) with trauma symptoms feel as if they are going “crazy”- like they’re on a roller coaster that has no end.

(Child-Loss Grievers may have symptoms) much like those who have experienced other life-altering or threatening events, such as accidents, assault, disaster, abuse, or even combat. Those with post traumatic stress experience helplessness and horror as an immediate response to the traumatic event. The resulting symptoms fall into three major categories:

• First, they have intrusive thoughts/remembrances of the event. This can take the form of flashbacks, recurring dreams, intense reactions to reminders or “triggers” that may symbolize something about the trauma or feeling as if the traumatic event is happening currently.

• Second, they attempt to avoid memories or reminders of the traumatic event. They may go out of their way to avoid places or people associated with the trauma, avoid talking about the event, or even forget some details of the event(s).

• Third, they experience increased arousal. That means they are highly anxious, startle easily, are troubled with nightmares, etc. They are on high alert, hyper vigilant and aware of potential “threats.” They can become highly irritable and have extreme anger.

All of these symptoms are in response to the trauma. For a PTSD diagnosis, these symptoms must be in place for a month or more. For some trauma survivors, the symptoms come on later, while for others they start immediately after the disclosure (of the trauma)....

(Most people relating to you as a griever) miss the trauma. They acknowledge the pain and devastation but jump immediately to identifying the behaviors and emotions (you have as a griever) as signs of (poor grief resolution) rather than those symptoms that are typical in those who have had horrible things happen to them.

While (folks may acknowledge you will never completely get over your child-loss grief this side of Heaven, they may still give) a double message that somehow due to your own dysfunction, there is something you did or something about you that led to (your "unresolved grief" dilemma). (Grievers) often feel confused.

They say,

“If I didn’t cause it and can’t cure it, then why am I told I am 'sick' just because I am (not 'cured' or fully 'resolved' in my grief)?"

(Misunderstanding the true nature of traumatic and or complicated grief, and calling a child-loss griever "sick" or "stuck in his/her grief) is not unlike blaming a rape victim for her assault or a battered woman for her beating.

It is blaming the victim, rather than looking for ways to support someone who has experienced the unthinkable.

(T)he issue of empowerment (is also an important one). The first step in recovery is to admit powerlessness…. (Grievers) cannot control (the fact that they have been thrown into severe grief). And this is absolutely true!

However, (grievers) are not powerless to act on their own behalf to protect themselves or to have a say in their environment. Trauma survivors need to exercise choice to help to regain a sense of safety to fight the helplessness and fear.

Stability for the trauma survivor involves making decisions, taking action, and finding some level of safety again.

Why do you believe it is important for (grievers) to see their reactions as stemming from trauma versus (being "stuck in prolonged grief" as it it were a dysfunction the grievers have brought upon themselves)?

As I’ve stated earlier, the trauma model of treatment seeks to understand and treat (one's) symptoms as predictable responses to a painful and threatening life event.

It is something that happened and then something from which s/he can (begin to) recover and (begin to) heal.

A trauma perspective validates the extreme devastation experienced by most (child-loss grievers). A trauma model makes sense of the kinds of debilitating symptoms that (grievers) experience and opens up appropriate treatment options for these symptoms.

Unfortunately, many (grievers) have not sought treatment or help (for the trauma aspects of their grief) due to the (potentiality of the complicated griever) feeling blamed for their situation, (or simply that their child-loss grief will not be understood).

I hope that by recognizing the effects of trauma, (grievers) will be more open to seeking out the support and help they need and deserve. Untreated trauma can lead to increased vulnerability to mental health problems including addiction and depression.

******

Please let me know what you think of this article and how it relates to you. The more I hear from you, the better my blog will be as I believe I then can better address (or find others who can address) the issues of grief with which you are most concerned.

You can comment via the "comment" button below, or tweet me (or privately direct message me) on Twitter, or comment (or privately send me a message) on Facebook, or write me an email to MotherGrieving @ gmail.com ~Just remove the spaces in the email address... (This is to disguise my address from the internet scam-artist robots!) Just look in the left column of my blog to find the links to Facebook or Twitter...you will need to join to comment there, but don't worry, it is absolutely free! :)

However you comment, feel free to stipulate if you want your comment to be kept private; otherwise, I may post parts (or all) of it later to share with other readers. Thank you so much!

And a special 'Thank you' goes out to Dr. Barbara Steffens for her keen insights into the trauma of Post-Traumatic Stress!

Picture: http://bit.ly/bFuKiN

Steffens' full article: http://bit.ly/9GvWRZ