Wednesday's Woe - On Our 2,177th day of grief...Anniversary Syndrome Rears Its Ugly Head ~by Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

On Our 2,177th day of grief...

Anniversary Syndrome Rears Its Ugly Head

~by Tommy Prince

From "Silent Grief - Child Loss Support":

Child loss isn't a temporary sad thing. Child loss is a forever heartbreak. There are no vaccines to protect us from the pain, nor is there anything to keep the pain from recurring throughout our entire lifetime. The phrase, "I'll be so glad when you get over this" should be wiped out and never used because it simply does NOT apply to child loss!!!! The loss of a child is something we will never "get over"!

~thanks to grieving mother, C. W.

The silent grief is making a lot of noise inside me. We are 15 days away from our child's death date, and the symptoms of 'Anniversary Syndrome' are already rearing their ugly heads. 

There's a sadness that's come over me that is making it difficult for me to even hold my head up. The fatigue is keeping me from being able to do what I want to do during the day. I only want to talk to people that I have to talk to. There's no energy to deal with any extra contact. My emotions are extremely tender... and testy; the short fuse is back. I go through periods of having a short fuse with myself and others, and I am back in that state. I am 'out of it' such that I am not as aware of my external surroundings as I need to be because my internal condition is demanding my all. So a couple of days ago, I unwittingly slammed my toe into the side of some wooden steps, and I could hear the ligaments around it snap. All because I am in a daze, caught up in the stupor of grief.

I am doing all the things I can to try to take care of myself by getting rest, exercise, etc. But this is a sadness and despair that I can't 'wish' away, or 'manage' away. The death date is coming, and there is nothing I can do about it. 

As "Silent Grief" so wisely stated,

Child loss isn't a temporary sad thing. 

Child loss is a forever heartbreak.

~~~

And so does a Dad....

Quote, thanks to grieving mother, C. W.

1st picture, thanks to grieving mother, B. J. K.

2nd picture, thanks to grieving mother,  J. W. T.

3rd picture, thanks to grieving mother, I. E.

Wednesday's Woe - Grief-Struck: What Time Is It?

Wednesday's Woe

Grief-Struck: What Time Is It?

Having a very difficult time emotionally these past few days. . .

For us, this was all that appeared on our clocks today:

Wednesday's Woe - Spent

Wednesday's Woe

Spent

We are wiped out. Like my dog Prissy, I am spent.

It is July. Anniversary date, plus. Our child was gone from our house for most of June and the whole month of July, then was killed on August 2nd. So June and July, we are reliving the trauma of "losing her" before we lost her.

As August approaches, we are reliving the trauma of the sudden, violent, and mutilating death of our only daughter. Our cortisol (stress hormone) is running rampant. Current stressors are moving in on us...emotional meltdowns, spiritual meltdowns, family dilemmas such as my mother's threatening physical condition —

My care-taking abilities are almost non-existent, but people need me...

While I'm having these meltdowns, one brother comes close to having a heart attack and has had to have stents put around his heart. I cannot contact him.

My handicapped brother texts me; I cannot even respond.

My sisters call me, "We need you to come to Georgia to take care of Mother." I am not even sure I can take care of me, much less my precious ailing mother, so I cannot call them back right away.

My client calls with a situation very close to this nightmare we are living, and I cannot return her call.

"But it's been almost four years..." some would say...

Thank goodness last weekend, at the Grief and Trauma Conference, I heard the psychologist-specialist in Grief and Trauma say that

Child-Loss grief is intense for the first 5 to 7 years...

and then our grief still will go on for a life-time, but not at as intense a level...

But the general public does not know this...

But my family does not know this...

But my clients do not know this...

I only know it because I am living it, but until I heard the Trauma expert, I sort of thought I must be a little crazy, or that something must be wrong with me that child-loss is so debilitating to me. Little did I know

Debilitating Complicated Mourning that spans many years is the norm for my Child-Loss Grief.

Will someone please tell this to the world?

Picture~mine

Monday's Mourning Ministry - My Immortal ~Evanescence/The Subconscious Remembers

Monday's Mourning Ministry

My Immortal ~Evanescence

~

The Subconscious Remembers...

or

The Body Remembers What the Mind Forgets...

(Setting: This weekend, remembering her last full weekend home)

June 9, the day my beautiful firstborn son was born.

So why? Why could I not pick up a phone and text him?

It was the least I could do, but I could not do that.

Awful. I felt awful. My heart on the ground. Pounded.

Ground into pieces. Tearful. Sobbing. Continual

tears flowing down my face. Reading about more mothers,

more mothers losing their children to drugs...some alive...

some dead. But it's my son's birthday! Time to celebrate!

He is alive! He is functioning. He is happy.

He is a good kid (with a few flaws, like most of us),

But I cannot move; I cannot stop crying; my heart

is in a puddle on the floor. Why? I have been in

deep pain for two weeks now. What is wrong with this mother?

Then, Tommy reminds me. Four years ago was the last

weekend she spent at home, steeped in her rebellion, not

willing to bend to the rules, and she'd just been found out...

Again. Three years in a row of turmoil. We'd had five

sweet months with her. Then we found out we were being conned,

deceived into thinking all was well. We discovered

evidence to the contrary. Natural consequences

needed to follow. Don't enable. Raise the bottom.

Don't you dare be codependent and allow her to

self-destruct. You love her too much. Too much is at stake.

Her life is on the line. Her future is on the line.

Take a stand. She knows the rules. As she has said many

times, "Mommy, I can't hear what you are telling me; I've

got to learn the hard way." So these were the last days with

her here, at home, home. where. she. belonged. but. could. not. stay.

Annivers'ry syndrome. Unbeknownst to my conscious

mind, but real, in-your-face to my subconscious mind. It

was taking me down. I couldn't breathe without crying

for her. Missing her. Mourning her. Bemoaning why she

could not "hear" in time to save her life. Could not seem to

"see" the error of her ways. We had her brother's birthday

party here that weekend. She loved her brother, but

she stayed in her room... Crying. She could not be reached. We

could not risk being conned out of our good sense again.

It would have been too dangerous for her. She was on

the cusp of Dangerous Denial. We could feel it.

We could sense it. It was breathing it's deadly breath down

our necks, necks already bent over in grief from loss,

loss of the little girl with the sweet, fun, spunky wit.

To let her go on in her Denial would have been

derelict in our duties to love her, guide her, warn

her, and let her suffer the consequences of her

choices. So on that Sunday night, she left, with a sweet

friend, but she would not choose to stay with that friend. She left.

And the choices she made from there led to her demise.

Yes, she returned home to visit. We got out a lot

of her misunderstandings. Love was exchanged. Hugs were

given. She responded. She turned to God. She restored

her broken relationship with her estranged boyfriend.

She hugged me tightly. I softly cried out in angst, "I

don't want you to go!" but she pulled away. Despite God,

love, reconciled feelings, humor, laughter, she went to

the arms of the drugs that evidently held her fast,

and. would. not. let. her. go. Even amidst the terror

they brought with them. the destruction. the devastation

they wreaked. ...Drugs people had told us were "harmless," she'll "be

okay." But she wasn't. We knew she had to feel the

terror for herself. Terror we were always feeling.

We thought the terror would lead her to seek help. Well, she

did feel terror... She did not know her driver had toked

up that morning, combined with his antidepressant...

She got in his car, catching a ride to the beach she

so loved. But only three hours into the trip, on a

straight-a-way, with no rain mind you, he passed out at the

wheel... Subsequently, the four-wheel drive Tahoe careened

off the road heading for a row of trees. Her scream of

terror awakened him. But he still did not have the

wherewithal to put his foot on the brake, to stop the

madness. The cruise control was still on, the car trav'ling

at highway speeds. into. the. trees. that. could. have. been.

avoided... She felt her terror... But it was too late. Too

late for her and two of her friends. The driver and his

brother survived. My child does not have the choice now to

come home. To get treatment. To receive love. comfort. and

help. Four years ago. The Watershed Weekend. All for

Naught...

*****

Merry Katherine loved the band "Evanescence." Its music can be lilting and haunting, and some of it captures the very dark aspects of life. Today, I heard one of their songs being played on a grieving mother's poetry site; I had never heard the song played in the context of grieving over your child...

I had just written the above poem to express my prolonged angst, and the lyrics and longing of this song grabbed me. I've changed the lyrics a bit to fit my mourning song to my child... As you hear the singer, replace her words with my words to turn it into a more apt child-loss mourning song... I think you too will be grabbed by its poignancy...

"My Immortal" (Adapted)

Evanescence

(Adapted Lyrics I sing tonight to my child)

(My changes will be italicized.)

(Original lyrics are below the adapted lyrics.)

I'm so sad you are not here;

Since you left, I drown in my tears.

Why did you have to leave?

This grief's too heavy to heave!

Though your presence lingers here,

You still will not come home...

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real...

There's just too much that time cannot erase!

When you cried,

I'd wipe away all of your tears;

When you'd scream,

I'd fight away all of your fears.

And I held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have

All of me.

You used to captivate me by your resonating light;

Now, I'm bound by your absence left behind.

Your loss it haunts

my once pleasant dreams.

Your death it chased away

all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real...

There's just too much that time cannot erase!

When you cried,

I'd wipe away all of your tears;

When you'd scream,

I'd fight away all of your fears.

And I held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have

All of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone;

But though you're still "with" me,

I've been alone all along!

When you cried,

I'd wipe away all of your tears.

When you'd scream,

I'd fight away all of your fears.

And I held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have

All of me,

me,

me...

The original lyrics:

My Immortal lyrics

Evanescence

Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben

I'm so tired of being here,

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave,

I wish that you would just leave

Your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real.

There's just too much that time cannot erase!

When you cried,

I'd wipe away all of your tears.

When you'd scream,

I'd fight away all of your fears.

And I held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have

All of me.

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real.

There's just too much that time cannot erase!

When you cried,

I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream,

I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have

All of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,

But though you're still with me,

I've been alone all along!

When you cried,

I'd wipe away all of your tears.

When you'd scream,

I'd fight away all of your fears.

And I held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have

All of me,

me,

me...

http://twitpic.com/y0p7p Thank you to @LillyAnn !

Poem - The Subconscious Remembers, or The Body Remembers What the Mind Forgets - Angie Bennett Prince - 6/13/10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bU9FwP4uOY8&feature=related

Adapted lyrics to My Immortal - Angie Bennett Prince - 6/14/10