Wednesday's Woe - The King Who Would Be Caved

Wednesday's Woe

The King Who Would Be Caved

"I feel like a David in a world of Sauls," Tommy said to me this morning.

"I feel like most of the world is out to get me, and like David, the tendency is to want to go live in the wilderness!"

I said,

"Yes, and we are surrounded by a bunch of Jonathans telling us,

'Oh, no all is safe. There is really no danger awaiting you!'

"Then we step out of the house, and BLAM! We are accosted by things that set off all our alarms in our already hyper-vigilant bodies.

"So, yes, like David, the tendency is to want to go live in the wilderness and reside in a bunch of deep, dark caves!"

Our hearts, souls, minds, bodies, and spirits have already been accosted by the death of our precious child. Why don't people understand, there is no further margin for our systems to add additional assaults?! So naturally, we are self-protective. Some stress will always be there to contend with, but why invite unnecessary stress? We are the ones who have to determine what is safe and what is not safe, and even then, there will be unforeseen surprises...

Most people do not understand, we are not just contending with GRIEF, which is hard enough, mind you, as we are dealing with the world's worst kind of Grief, which is Child-Loss Grief... But we are also contending with systems assaulted by the TRAUMA of losing our child which throws us into an extremely sensitive state that is very, very capable of being re-traumatized by secondary losses or even threats of loss, as well as any secondary injuries even of people's carelessness, or of their thoughtless statements piled onto our original injuries...

*****

So David got away and escaped to the Cave of Adullam.

~1 Samuel 21:1a The Message

David continued to live in desert hideouts and the backcountry wilderness hills of Ziph... David kept out of the way (of Saul) in the wilderness of Ziph, secluded at Horesh...

~from 1 Samuel 23:14-15, The Message

Some Ziphites went to Saul at Gibeah and said, "Did you know that David is hiding out near us in the caves and canyons of Horesh?"

~from 1 Samuel 23:19, The Message

Meanwhile, David and his men were in the wilderness of Maon, in the desert south of Jeshimon. Saul and his men arrived and began their search. When David heard of it, he went south to Rock Mountain, camping out in the wilderness of Maon. Saul heard where he was and set off for the wilderness of Maon in pursuit. Saul was on one side of the mountain, David and his men on the other. David was in full retreat, running, with Saul and his men closing in, about to get him. Just then a messenger came to Saul and said, "Hurry! Come back! The Philistines have just attacked the country!"

So Saul called off his pursuit of David and went back to deal with the Philistines. That's how that place got the name Narrow Escape. David left there and camped out in the caves and canyons of En Gedi.

~from 1 Samuel 23:24-29, The Message

...Then Saul went home and David and his men went up to their wilderness refuge.

~from 1 Samuel 24:22, The Message

Picture, thanks to Google

Scriptures from "The Message"

Saturday's Sayings - Grief Needs a Safe Place

Saturday's Sayings

Grief Needs a Safe Place

The first thing that grief needs is a safe place. People rarely grieve in a foxhole or when under pressure/stress. There are exceptions such as when our grief is so overwhelming that it comes pouring out whenever it wishes. But most times our grief seeks a place where we have a sense of safety. Children often will find their grief when they are "tucked in" and ready to go to sleep. At that moment they sense a certain safety and when this is combined with a loving presence from a parent their grief can often flow.

Think about your own safe places. Where does your grief flow? Where do you feel safe? In your bedroom? With a close friend? Talking with others? Alone in a quiet place? At the cemetery?

You can be pretty sure that where ever your grief flows freely you likely feel safe.

It is important to point out that we all find safety in very different places.

Differences in Men and Women's Grief, generally:

Recent research has helped us to understand that men and women tend to have very different safe places. The work of Shelly Taylor, Ph.D. of UCLA has shown that under stress women will be more likely to move towards interaction with others while men will be more likely to move towards taking an action or moving towards inaction and self-reflection. The women seem to prefer a face-to-face mode while the men are more likely to prefer a shoulder-to-shoulder or solitary approach.

Knowing our loved one's safe places can be a big help in being sensitive to their grief and paths to work with it.

Once we have a safe place we then find a way to tell our story within that safety.

~Tom Golden (highlights and subtitle, mine)

~Tom Golden - http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=139007132785721

Thursday's Therapy - TRAUMA Therapy Toolbox - 14 Keys to Understanding Reactions to Child-Loss Grief + Trauma ~ Choosing Social Support Wisely

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Thursday's Therapy

TRAUMA Therapy Toolbox

14 Keys to Understanding Reactions

to Child-Loss Grief and Trauma

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Choosing Social Support Wisely

• The ability to tolerate the plight of victims is, in part, a function of how well people have dealt with their own misfortunes.

~van der Kolk

Here's a clue. I have always known certain family members have not faced the hurts from their own childhood. And because of that, I have recognized they often become their own worst enemies. But they can't tolerate my plight because they cannot have love and mercy and comfort on their own poor hurt selves. As one family member says,

"We just take it" when there are hurtful things going on, in my opinion being so cruel to themselves in that way. And they think they do "just take it" in order to "love." In my opinion, that's not love; that's cowardice and not trusting that the other parties involved can "take" the hurt, face up to their hurtful behavior, in order for relationships to begin to heal. And yet certain family members just keep taking the pain and not speaking up, so the others often may not even know they are causing any pain.

• When they've confronted the reality of their own hurt and suffering and accepted their own pain, this translates into tolerance, even compassion for others.

~van der Kolk

There is no tolerance. There is no compassion. There is anger that I still think I have needs when these certain family members think I should be "done" with my grief by now.

• When people deny the impact of their own personal trauma, pretend it wasn't so bad, and make excuses for their abusers, they're likely to identify with the aggressors...

~van der Kolk

Oh yes! These family members indeed have become aggressive and cruel. They can't even see their behavior as abusive. Or if at times, they catch themselves being cruel, they decide that's what I deserve anyway. Unbelievable, until I stop to see -- they made excuses for their abusers, -- they've white-washed it away, -- and now they inadvertently "identify with" the aggressors. They have become the aggressors. It is really quite pitiful, so out of necessity,

I simply must avoid them, and pray for them. It truly hurts me that they are callous toward their own hurt hearts and souls, and yet in their doing so, they are becoming hard. And I cannot be around hard.

• (These folks steeped in such denial) treat others with the same harshness with which they treat the wounded parts of themselves.

~van der Kolk

Yes, I have seen that ~ when they hurt me deeply, I see they have that same harsh attitude toward their own woundedness too. And so, how will it ever heal for them? It won't at this rate.

So they just keep running...into the same old rat races that keep them distracted, but unfortunately never heal them. It is so regrettable, and I hate it for them because I love them. But I cannot fix them.

And I cannot allow myself to be harmed needlessly when I am in the deepest pain of my life. So, much to their chagrin, I must stay away from them for my own self-protection. There are consequences to bad behavior, and as a wise person once said, "Once you have damaged someone, you don't get to pick the consequences that follow your bad behavior."

• Identification with the aggressor makes it possible (for those in denial) to bypass empathy for themselves and secondarily for others.

~van der Kolk

Yes. And so to them, I do not exist, not as a vulnerable human being anyway who needs tenderness and compassion.. Or if I do, it seems it is only for them to berate, chastise, control, manipulate, and pull power plays on. (Things I once thought people do only when they're in high school. Surely not in their more "mature" years. But these family members do.) It seems they can only relate to me through manipulations, criticisms, and many other power plays.

• Ironically, both the victims of PTSD, and the larger society that is asked to respond with compassion, forbearance, or financial sacrifices, have a stake in believing that the trauma is not really the cause of the victims' suffering.

• On the one hand, society becomes resentful about having its illusions of safety and predictability ruffled by people who remind them how fragile security can be.

• On the other hand, many victims suffer from an impaired capacity to translate their intense emotions and perceptions related to the trauma into communicable language.

• Society, therefore, is often resistant to recognizing the effects of trauma and inclined to engage in victim-blaming in order to maintain basic assumptions.

• (It is) the deeply held feeling of many victims (of trauma such as our childloss) that they no longer fit in, that they are aliens belonging to a lost world.

• Victims (of trauma such as our childloss) constitute an insult to (western) society's belief that human beings are essentially the masters of their fate.

• Victims (of trauma such as our child-loss) are the members of society whose problems represent the memory of suffering, rage, and pain in a world that longs to forget.

• Many victims quietly acquiesce in their suffering; they are contained by their sense of shame and helplessness, as well as a need to maintain their self-respect and independence.

• ...Society's reactions seem to be primarily conservative impulses in the service of maintaining the beliefs that the world is fundamentally just, that people can be in charge of their lives, and that bad things only happen to people who deserve them.

~Quotes from Bessel A. van der Kolk, M.D.

Such a defensive environment is oppressive to us childloss victims and can interfere with our very rigorous healing demands. Therefore, we need to use great discernment in regard to who is safe and who is not so that our social support may be an adjunct to our healing not a detriment to it.

Pictures thanks to FotoSearch.com

Thursday's Therapy - What Helps Me As I Deal with Grief

Thursday's Therapy

What Helps Me Deal with Grief:

• • Establish an environment of safety:
  • Quiet time
  • Uninterrupted time
  • Safe people only around me
  • Write out my grief process:
  • Any questions I have
  • Whatever feelings emerge
  • Conversation with God about my loss
  • Conversation with my deceased child
  • Allow the feelings to come; encourage them to come
  • Comfort and receive comfort from other grieving parents
  • Read my Bible

  o Open myself up for God to speak to me

  o Open myself up for God to comfort me

  • Write poems to express my feelings:
  • Express my logical thoughts (left brain)
  • Express my creative side (right brain)
  • Allow the Holy Spirit to minister as I write
  • Intervention (Showing new pathways for my grief)
  • Correcting (His view of my loss)
  • Comfort (Reminding me of who He is regarding my loss)
  • Develop healthy boundaries:
  • Determine what I think I am able to do, and what I am unable to do
  • Determine who I am able be around, and who I am not
  • Take care of my physical and emotional needs
  • Be sure I eat healthily
  • Get good exercise
  • Be sure I get 8 hours of sleep each night
  • Get sunshine
  • Add right-brain activities

  Ø Listen to music

  Ø Ponder and view the beauty of God’s world

  Ø Enjoy the taste of a good meal

  Ø Physical comfort of being close to my husband

  Ø Meditation

  Ø Enjoy the aroma of cut flowers from my garden

  Ø View pretty pictures

  Ø View pictures of birds, flowers, butterflies from my magazines or on the internet

  Ø Sit by a crackling fire

  Ø Hike on a mountain trail

  Ø Garden, enjoying getting my hands in the dirt

  Ø Hold my dog

  Ø Bask in a warm bath or spa

  Ø Take a walk, focusing on the beauty around me

  Ø Jump on my trampoline

  Ø Mow the lawn

  
  

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P.S. Please find pink flowers from this post on left side-bar, and take my Grief Survey! Thank you!