Thursday’s Therapy
Help! I’m being bullied.
When we are in the throes of grief and trauma, it is so easy for us to be victimized. We are raw; we are vulnerable. Our defenses have been ravaged. Our world has crashed. Our hearts are broken. Life as we knew it has ended. A precious one, near and dear to our hearts has been taken.
We cannot “recover”; the loss was out of our control. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other—but much more slowly than ever before. We do not know who we are now. We are trying to find our way. Our spiritual foundation, upon which rests all of our life’s meaning, has been disheveled, contorted, messed with. The most sacred to us as parents—our child’s life—has been destroyed, decimated, demolished. Our perception of the most sacred to our spiritual soul—our God—has been tampered with at the very time we need His image to be most intact.
Enter, the bully. Always looking for a target—“who can I destroy today to feed the ravaging monster inside me so I can feel alive again, vital, superior, on top? And who is the easiest victim? The shot down, the weak, the fumbling, the confused, the grieving. Easy target. Easy conquest. Easy notch on my belt for the day.”
And, being pre-occupied with grief, distracted, almost paralyzed, we grieving parents often unwittingly step right into the trap set for us. After falling into the bully’s trap, it is time to regroup. It is time to reassess the people we have allowed into our vulnerable world. I have characterized our griever’s dilemma as,
“It’s like we grievers of child-loss are
walking around with no skin on,
yet what is exposed is deeper than that—
it’s our raw heart.”
We must protect our hearts from toxicity and from toxic people to avoid further complications!
Some recommended books for dealing with bullies and protecting our vulnerable world by maintaining healthy boundaries, only allowing "safe" people in, are:
Safe People: How to Find Relationships That are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1996).
Who’s Pushing Your Buttons: Handling the Difficult People in Your Life by John Townsend. Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1991.
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier. Harper, 1998.
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. Bantam, 2002.
Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. Adams Media, 2003.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Berkley Trade, 2003.
Posts
