Thursday's Therapy - Wallowing??? Or, Grieving in a Healthy Way???

Thursday's Therapy

Wallowing???

Or, Grieving in a Healthy Way???

So how exactly do we grieve in a healthy way?

A member of one of the grieving groups to which I belong came onto the site the other day and posted an excoriating warning to those of us who often are drowning in our grief. In essence, her warning was,

"Stop wallowing!"

and

"Let the sunshine in!"

Well, my first reaction of course was, "How dare she?!" We have finally found some sites onto which we can go to share our desperate cries of grief, and she comes on, as a fellow griever mind you, to say, basically, "Get over it already!" I was repulsed as were many other respondees. Yet I was surprised to read just as many other respondees saying, "This is the best advice I ever received!" What gives?, I thought.

Your system has been assaulted, and you're trying to crawl out of this hole you're in. Yet you don't have the energy to crawl out of it. And you don't know how to crawl out of it. The hole is there; you didn't ask for this hole. This wasn't one of your life goals to go through life as a zombie, barely able to crawl out of bed.

This is about TRAUMA. You are NOT wallowing. You are CRYING OUT for help.

If you could do it yourself, you WOULD HAVE.

So here is a safe place, away from the world, with other people who can understand, and you risk your heart enough to speak up, to cry out a bit of the drastic pain in which you find yourself, and one of your own comes along and blasts you out of the water? I don't think so!

People typically go to a therapist to deal with pain which they've been unable to grapple with alone. And THE most important thing for that therapy room is to be a SAFE PLACE. There may be a time for firm (but loving) confrontation down the road, after the relationship is well established (so that you know what the therapist is saying is said out of love). But to come out blasting just because you are in DEEP PAIN. Who needs that?

If you are uncomfortable with my pain, move on, but don't come out swinging!

Wallowing is an insult to a griever -- we aren't trying to be miserable; we ARE miserable, and are crying out for help -- HOW do I find the comfort that I need? And just hearing there are other people going through the very similar hell that you are is, in some ways, a relief. At least we are not alone in our pain.

But then someone comes along to redefine the comfort we are seeking for our terrible pain we never asked for, to say somehow we ARE WANTING TO BE IN PAIN, AS WE ARE JUST WALLOWING IN IT! GRRR! Don't get me started!

Wallowing is something a pig does, wallows in the mud because it feels good. The mud feels good to the skin and cools him off. The pig is not even trying to be miserable! So perhaps he is even innately trying to self-soothe.

But this mother was using "wallow" with a negative, accusatory context. Don't begrudge a griever his or her benign attempts to self-soothe, PLEASE.

(See more on the pig below ~ not that we are pigs mind-you... we are just looking at health-seeking behaviors that can be found in Mother Nature!)

*****

Okay, let's look inside Mother Nature and see the potential benefits for wallowing, let's say for the common pig…

In a new study published in Applied Animal Behavior Science, the study's leader, Marc Bracke, determined that temperature regulation seems to be the main motivation for wallowing (in animals such as the pig); (but) he also found that even in colder weather, pigs will still wallow in the mud.

While pigs have very few sweat glands, the mud is the best way to regulate their temperature as the cool water evaporation through the mud is slower than if they just took a dip in cool water.

…The common perception is that pigs wallow mainly for cooling, sunburn protection and the removal of ecto-parasites. Little scientific evidence exists for other functions than thermoregulation.

Pigs lack functional sweat glands and wallowing in mud is an effective behavioural control mechanism in pigs to prevent hyperthermia.

...Wallowing, i.e. coating the body surface with mud, is a natural behaviour of pigs, commonly observed in feral pigs and wild boar, but rarely provided for in current housing systems for domestic pigs.

Bracke also points out that the wallowing behavior of pigs contributes to their wellbeing and that farmers who do not provide wallowing areas for pigs are creating serious animal welfare issues.

Similar to farmers who have eliminated foraging from other farm animals have seen welfare issues such as feather pecking and tail biting; Bracke believes the wallowing of pigs is a necessary action for their wellbeing.

*****

So too I might ask the nay-saying-griever, what if what-you-call-"wallowing," I call "giving-our-sorrow-words"?

I think Shakespeare was wisest when he so astutely observed:

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break."

In my less-than-literary (okay, much-less-than-literary) voice, I say:

If you don't allow us to "wallow" in peace, and in safety, we just might start pecking your feathers and biting your tail, so fellow-nay-saying-griever, BE WARNED!!!

What do you think? (Or, do you dare to tell me?!)

Picture and research on "wallowing" in nature - found at http://www.physorg.com/news/2011-05-wallowing-mud-temperature.html

Friday's Faith - Questions of Grief and Faith

Friday's Faith

Questions of Grief and Faith

Somehow we may have gotten the notion that real Christians are beyond grieving, that faith takes away the pain.

It surely helps.

There is no aspect of grieving and healing more important than faith, none that gives us more hope, more ability to cope, to rebuild.

But, at the same time, our flesh aches for the flesh of our child, for that which we beheld with our eyes and touched with our hands.

We would do less than honor to the creation of God if we did not mourn the loss of the riches God had given us in that child.

If we need assurance that it is all right to cry, we can remember that at the grave of his friend Lazarus,

Jesus wept.

To be a Christian is to know something of the risks God has taken for love’s sake. To be a parent is to know the risks we have taken for love’s sake.

We are not alone.

And we have promises:

Let not your hearts be troubled….

In my Father’s house are many rooms….

I will not leave you desolate; I will come to you.

Or , in the words of the hymn “How Firm a Foundation”:

For I will be with thee thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

But this will not happen unless

• we are willing, with the help of faith, to
• meet our child’s death on its own anguishing terms,
• grieve over it,
• ask questions and,
• in time, allow it to become a part of our life’s complex pattern.

~Excerpts from Martha Whitmore Hickman, I Will Not Leave You Desolate

John 11:35, John 14:1,2,18

http://twitpic.com/dbi97

Thursday’s Therapy - Complicated Grief: Does Any Professional "Get It"?!

Thursday’s Therapy

Complicated Grief:

Does Any Professional "Get It"?!

Mayo Clinic’s Definition of Complicated Grief:

Mental health experts are still analyzing how complicated grief symptoms differ from those of normal grief or other bereavement reactions. During the first few months after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief. However, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade, those of complicated grief get worse or linger. Complicated grief is like being in a chronic, heightened state of mourning.

Complicated grief treatment hasn't been standardized because mental health providers are still learning about the condition. Research studies testing various types of treatment have had mixed results. That isn't to say that treatment isn't helpful, though. More study is needed to help determine which treatment options may be best for complicated grief.

American Psychiatric Association's Evolution of Assessment of "Complicated Grief":

One group of researchers... is examining factors that identify people at risk for complicated grief, (Robert) Neimeyer (of the University of Memphis) says. The researchers are objectively assessing risk factors by reviewing the circumstances surrounding deaths.

Chronic and unremitting grief is typically associated with sudden, unexpected and traumatic death, the loss of children or young people, and the relative closeness of the bereaved person to the deceased, the report says. Particular risk factors include excessive dependency in the relationship with the decedent or a history of mental illnesses such as depression in the bereaved, Neimeyer says.

In the past, the mental health community defined varying reactions to grief, such as delayed onset of grief, as disorders, Neimeyer says. In particular, people who grieved in ways uncharacteristic for their cultural background were labeled as disordered.

But new research and a growing understanding of grief has prompted psychologists to use different diagnostic factors for complicated grief, such as changed relationships with family and friends, feelings of meaninglessness and ruptured beliefs, which are more apt to spur health-threatening grief, he adds.

In fact, says Neimeyer, the American Psychiatric Association has formed a panel of experts under (Yale University psychologist, Holly) Prigerson to consider including "complicated grief" in the next version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

**********

In my opinion, the norm for any grieving parent who has been thrown into a parent’s worst nightmare of the loss of one’s child is a state of grief that physicians would call “Complicated Grief.”

Any loss of a loved one will throw a person into grief for weeks, months, and to a milder degree through the years.

But the loss of a child is a whole different kind of loss.

My husband and I are trained at the master’s level in mental health counseling; we are trained at the master’s level in Christian counseling. We are rock solid in our faith. Our marriage of thirty years is intimate and sweet. Our years of raising our children were steeped in love and endearing intimacy with our precious three children. Each of our children asked God into their heart when they were age six or younger. Our lives have been blessed. Yes, we have had many traumas; we live in a fallen world. But the trauma of losing our precious youngest child, our only daughter has just about taken us off the map in terms of grief, trauma, sadness, debilitation, life-stopping, career-stopping complicated grief. In my humble opinion (of course), I would challenge you to find two healthier people to be your normal, healthy specimens to walk into such a severe loss to report back to you “normal” grief reactions in a loss such as this.

So I am telling you, I am going on record to the medical community and the psychological community to say COMPLICATED GRIEF is to be considered the norm for child-loss grief-struck parents.

So please do not call this depth and degree of grief a “disorder.”

Please do not say these parents are people who are “stuck” in their grief.

Please do not call this “prolonged grief.”

Complicated Grief in the case of grieving the death of a child IS JUST parent-grief, normal, ordinary parent-grief when parents lose the heart and soul of their life in the loss of a precious child.

So when you are busy “analyzing how complicated grief symptoms differ from those of normal grief or other bereavement reactions" (Mayo Clinic), I would ask you to reconsider and take it from another professional colleague in your field who has been there,

COMPLICATED GRIEF DOES NOT DIFFER FROM “NORMAL” GRIEF FOR CHILD-LOSS PARENTS. COMPLICATED GRIEF IS THE NORM FOR CHILD-LOSS PARENTS.

Please rewrite your books.

Please rewrite your manuals.

Please revamp your antiquated studies.

Child-loss brings a whole different kind of grief to a person.

The closest description I can find to date that best captures this grief might align somewhat with what you would call “complicated grief.” And yes, it is complicated. And yes, many times, it can also be called "traumatic grief" because it very often brings its own trauma into a parent’s life.

BUT THIS TRAUMATIC GRIEF, AND THIS COMPLICATED GRIEF, IS NOT ABNORMAL FOR ANY HEALTHY GRIEVING PARENT!

And none of these symptoms should be signals of anything “unhealthy” or “problematic” for the grieving parent; in child-loss, they just ARE.

You might better use these “symptoms” of Complicated Grief in your manuals as “landmarks along the way” for the "grief of child-loss" to help that grieving parent know they are not crazy; they are not losing their minds; they are not abnormal – they are just dealing with the worst loss life could throw them, and these symptoms are just hurdles along the way that they might expect to undergo…

Now that I’ve gotten a little of that disgust out of the way, I would like to go back to your manuals that aren’t all bad because they do tend to capture some (a small portion of) a child-loss parent’s grief. Of course, I will give my responses along the way just to remind you professionals of our very real reality!

**********

(Mayo Clinic)

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief can include:

Extreme focus on the loss and reminders of the loved one (You know what? That is what it takes to work through a grief of this nature! You professionals just need to deal with it!)

Intense longing or pining for the deceased (We love our children! We miss them! We want to hug them again! We want to talk to them again! We are normal human beings who miss our children deeply. This is a healthy component to parenting! And therefore, this is a healthy part of processing through our grief of losing our precious child!)

Problems accepting the death (Who can immediately accept their child’s death? Having trouble accepting the unacceptable seems pretty normal to me.)

Numbness or detachment (Well, you try having a 2-ton weight on your heart all day, and see if you don’t get a little numb or feel a little detached every once in awhile for at least a little breather! You aren’t really numb, you just don’t have anything left over for anybody else, so you may just appear to be numb and detached while you are very attached to your own need for healing, thank you very much!)

Preoccupation with your sorrow (Yup, that’s just the nature of the beast. Sorrow over your child’s loss is there, waiting to be dealt with, like it or not. To NOT focus on it in order to help to relieve it would be abnormal and unhealthy in my opinion.)

Bitterness about your loss (Well, you and I might have a different definition for bitterness. Bitterness is anger that never gets resolved; can you give us a little longer than 2-3 months, or 2-3 years, or maybe even 2-3 lifetimes if need-be to get our hurt and anger resolved?)

Inability to enjoy life (Are you telling me you could? Then I would say maybe you aren’t in touch with your emotions!)

Depression or deep sadness (You’d better believe it, and it ain’t going away any time soon, I can promise you that. Three years now…for us. I would just have to ask you, “Do you even have a child? Are you emotionally connected to them at all? Do you feel a responsibility for their love and safety and health?" Well then you should understand our depression setting in and staying for quite awhile…quite a long while, if not for an entire lifetime!)

Difficulty moving on with life (See description for next symptom below)

Trouble carrying out normal routines (Well, yes, these "normal routines" have been pushed aside to make room for the heart to find some way to survive and breathe, much less thrive in the midst of pure hell being dropped in your lap. "Trouble carrying out normal routines" would be like saying to the tsunami victim, "You just can’t seem to move on with life in any normal way!” Of course not! He simply cannot! Life is NOT normal!)

Withdrawing from social activities (This is perfectly normal I would say. When your heart is so raw, it would be tantamount to walking around in public with no skin on; wouldn’t you as a physician wisely recommend “withdrawal from social activities” so as to avoid any potential toxins along with affording yourself private intensive care to heart, soul, mind, spirit, and body in the privacy of one’s own home? I certainly would hope so; that is what you do for a patient in the hospital when all of his skin is ripped off!)

Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose (Well, come on now, our hearts have been shot out of us—a little difficult to ascertain life’s meaning or purpose when you’re trying to find your heart, get it repaired, and get it put back into place, knowing it will take a lifetime of comfort to even approach some healing for it.)

Irritability or agitation (You better believe it – and you professionals might want to watch out for our irritability and agitation.)

Lack of trust in others (Pardon me, but would you not be somewhat mistrustful of others when you know they may, and I say may, be able to sympathize (feel pity or sorrow) with your grief, but they can in NO WAY empathize (understand and share the feelings of another) with your grief because they have never "been there"; they cannot possibly "get it" – I know, because we as well-trained mental health counselors would not have gotten it either before having been thrown into it hook, line, and sinker ourselves (mostly sinker...).

**********

May God bless all child-loss grieving parents as you walk through the Land of Mourning to the best of your ability. I pray that you would have others who "get it" to come by your side on the journey. May God comfort your broken hearts,

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/complicated-grief/DS01023/DSECTION=symptoms

http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov04/grief.html

Music in Grief - "Like a Cleansing Deep in My Soul"

Re: Comments -- Music
One of you, after reading my first post on this blog, made the following comment:

I also find I weep the hardest when I hear good gospel music, and it's like a cleansing deep in my soul.

(Digger)

Thank you for sharing what helps you to best express your grief! What is it about Music? It just seems to penetrate right into our hearts and souls! Some say music is the “language of the emotions.” I agree with you Digger; good music surely speeds up the grief process for me; it just cuts through any “intellectualizing” I might be doing to try to explain away my grief, for the music brings it right out of me in such a poignant way—painful, yes, but tender, too.

Speaking of music that helps us to express our grief, I added this music bar in the sidebar to the left (and two others at the bottom of the page) to share some of the songs that have been so meaningful to me and my family members; some were even ones Merry Katherine gave to me, or loved herself. (One of my favorite memories of her is hearing her belt out “My Redeemer” in her bedroom with Nicole turned up many decibels! So sweet to see her heart pouring out to God like that!)

--See the music widget at the bottom of the blog to get the full rendition of Nicole Mullen's song, "Redeemer."--

I would love to hear more comments from you all! (To comment, just click on "Comment" that is just underneath each post in the blog, and then type in your comment.) Perhaps you could share some music that has been especially helpful to you in grief. (The two music widgets at the bottom should allow you to even play some of your own favorite music while you peruse the blog. But let us know in your comment what some of those songs are!)

Thank you for your comments! I will discuss some others in a blog, coming up soon!

Projectile Grieving

Tommy's friend called him today. . . .I'll give a little background: Yesterday was Tommy's birthday, the third one after Merry Katherine's death. As Tommy says, "Now the numbness (of the first two and a half years) has worn off and the agitation and weepiness have set in."

After Tommy's birthday party last night with our family--our two sons, our daughter-in-law, and I were all present with him, yet . . . our baby girl was starkly absent . . . we sat down in the now-quiet den this morning. I took that opportunity to give Tommy a birthday card I had felt Merry Katherine wanted me to give him, and a present --two books, and a clear plastic teddy bear full of cotton-candy jelly beans which were always hers and her daddy's favorite-- When he saw the card that read, "DaDa" on the envelope, he thought it was a card from Nathan, our younger son. When he opened it, it took him totally off guard when he looked down and saw the card's picture of a little girl that looked just like Merry Katherine when she was little, and as he said it, "That was the end of being able to breathe normally for the next hour." He couldn't read the card.

After he saw the picture, Tommy's three-day agitation--like deep-freezer ice--went through an instant melt-down. Here came the gut-wrenching sobs that needed to come but had been put "on ice" to be able to get through his birthday party the night before in a pleasant way for his family's sake.

Tommy described this sobbing phenomenon in his own inimitable way this afternoon when I overheard him talking to a friend who had called him on the phone to talk and to check on him. (This friend has also lost a child):

His friend asked, "How are you doing?"

Tommy candidly stated, "It's been a rough day. It's twice as bad as the last one when you saw me so upset."

His friend then responded, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad."

Then Tommy said,

(Grief's) just one of those things that's gotta run its course. It's just like being nauseated; you can try to talk yourself out of throwing up, but you're gonna throw up anyway.

I thought boy that captures it, the inevitability of sorrow. . .that it's got to flow, or it will come out one way or another eventually! I think he was then greatly relieved to have been able to finally "feel" those pent-up feelings in a warm, safe, and private environment. The rest of the day today, he says he has felt some relief yet is also emotionally spent.

Then, to top it all off, we found out later in the day that a girl in our neighborhood (who had been a friend to our three children) was found--murdered . . . .

It's affected his ability to talk the rest of the day. And I am not doing so well either. . .

Writing "The Stone" out of my Anguish

The poem, “The Stone,” was written out of my terrible anguish and confusion; I wrote it before I could set foot into that funeral home to decide what we “wanted” to put on Merry Katherine's gravestone. We were literally about to walk out the door when I just had to stop, sit down and write first. I absolutely knew I could not go there until I met with God first to process through some of my torment.

He knew the funeral home was the last place I wanted to go on behalf of my vital, lively, ever-active nineteen-year-old, and He so tenderly gifted me with that poem. Then we were able to go and complete that task—not an easy one, but with much more peace in my heart to be able to tackle it anyway. God is so merciful; He meets me in my heartache and pain, restoring an eternal perspective, and then, He wraps His arms around me and comforts me.

God's Comfort in the Midst of Raw Grief . . .

Last night was hard. My husband and I were listening to music; I was writing a poem about my baby. When we heard Vince Gill's "Go Rest High On that Mountain" (see words below; this song is one of our favorites as it so aptly describes our baby's dilemma), our grief went back to square one. My husband said he cried as hard as he did that first day . . . So did I.

God continues to be SO sweet to meet us in our grief: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." . . .

So then we immediately heard Dottie Rambo's "Sheltered in the Arms of God" - from Bill and Gloria Gaither's "Reunion-Precious Memories" (see words below); it was like our baby wanted to remind us- that's where I am now -- sheltered safely in the arms of God!

Go Rest High On that Mountain (Vince Gill) [You can view and hear Vince singing this beautifully inspired song he wrote at the time of his brother's death on the sidebar YouTube to the left of this page; it has meant so much to us as well!]

I know your life on earth was troubled, And only you could know the pain. You weren't afraid to face the devil, Were no stranger to the rain.

Go rest high on that mountain; Son you work on earth is done. Go to Heaven a-shoutin' - Love for the Father and the Son.

Oh, how we cried the day you left us, Gathered round your grave to grieve. Wish I could see the angels' faces When they hear your sweet voice sing.

Go rest high on that mountain; Son, your work on earth is done. Go to Heaven a-shoutin' - Love for the Father and the Son. Go to heaven a-shoutin' - Love for the Father and the Son.

Sheltered in the Arms of God (Dottie Rambo)

I feel the touch of hands so kind and tender, They're leading me in paths that I must trod; I'll have no fear 'cause Jesus walks beside me, And I'm sheltered in the arms of God. So let the storms rage high, the dark clouds rise, They won't worry me for I'm sheltered safe within the arms of God; He walks with me and naught of Earth shall harm me, For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

Soon I shall hear the call from Heaven's portals, Come on home my child, it's the last mile you have to trod; I'll fall asleep and I'll wake up in God's new Heaven, sheltered safe within the arms of God. So let the storms rage high, the dark clouds rise, They won't worry me for I'm sheltered safe within the arms of God; He walks with me and naught of Earth shall harm me, For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

Soon I shall hear the call from Heaven's portals, Come on home my child, it's the last mile you have to trod; I'll fall asleep and I'll wake up in God's new Heaven, sheltered safe within the arms of God. So let the storms rage high, the dark clouds rise, They don't worry me for I'm sheltered safe within the arms of God; He walks with me and naught of Earth shall harm me, For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

So let the storms rage high, the dark clouds rise, They don't worry me for I'm sheltered safe within the arms of God; He walks with me and naught of Earth shall harm me, For I'm sheltered safe in the arms of God.

Then Bill Gaither had his folks sing my daddy's favorite hymn, "I Come to the Garden Alone" after Dottie Rambo's song:

And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own, And the joys we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known!

I could just picture her sheltered in God's loving arms, and walking and talking with Him as He loves and comforts her. God is so sweet, so gentle, ever reminding us she's now safely carried in His arms.

Parents Losing a Teenager to Death - A Glimpse of Grief After Two and a Half Years

“I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.” C. S. Lewis ...

My husband and I have been grieving now for two and a half years. Grief is so painful! I have to continually get in touch (emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) with my grief to get it "exhumed" from the inside to come to the consciousness and be expressed out so that it doesn't just build up (to later come out when I least expect it or to get expressed inappropriately). [I have a counseling practice, so I have to keep my grief flowing for this reason as well, or any unresolved "counter-transference" might affect my clients negatively.]

Grief without rest doesn't mix well. Grieving is exhausting work--I'm facing the deepest loss possible--every parent's worst nightmare--so it is not easy to do; it therefore takes a toll on my body physically. But rest, eating well, taking vitamins, exercising (which I am now starting to do a little more of), and anti-depressants if necessary, are crucial to supporting my over-stressed system. Talking to a safe person about my grief is also critical; for me, my safe person is my husband--he is very tender, patient, and accepting plus he knows the grief as well; he is going through his own! We try to support one another which works fairly well (until our timing collides, and we're both down at the same times. Those are times when it's especially important to have a close relationship with our Heavenly Father!)

Which brings me to--what helps me THE most in processing my grief--is the continuous presence of my Heavenly Father who is carrying me through this grief on a daily, moment-by-moment basis. One tool He has given me as I walk through my grief is to continually write out my grief -- in prayers to Him, poetry, essays, etc. The pain is there, but it is poignant in the writing, and then God's Holy Spirit comes into the process to bring His perspective and His comfort -- and His challenging my faulty thinking when appropriate!-- and there is a relief after the intense outpouring of hurt, pain, questions, confusion, etc. Over time, you can see the healing as you are writing, plus, the former writings continue to be a therapeutic tool to review and grieve through as necessary! I tell people, yes God is IN the grief; God is not an anesthetic to numb the grief--the pain is still there-- but He meets me IN the grief, and walks through it WITH me.

May God bless you in your grief, or in your concern for a beloved griever.