Monday's Mourning Ministry - Alone in My Grief, and Yet... Not Alone / Before the Morning ~Josh Wilson

The sun was disappearing, leaving its skid marks of color, like the smear of fingerpaints, on a wall of clouds that rolled up from the collar of the mountains.

~Terry Kay, Shadow Song

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Alone in My Grief, and Yet... Not Alone

Surrounded by God the Love of Friends...Makes All the Difference!

~

Before the Morning

~Josh Wilson

On Merry Katherine's birthday, I was amazed at the sweet and warm impact on Tommy and me of the responses of so many Facebook friends. Today, one, two, even three days later, I am exhausted and thankful, yet when I want to go and thank everyone, the words disappear. They flow down into a little puddle of nothingness at the base of my heart. When I lean over to draw out of the pool, all I come up with is a terrible ache in my heart that insists it has no words, but it would very much like to cry.

Where is my baby? Where is my lively one? Where is my shopping partner, that picks out the very same things I love? Where is that refreshing original mind that expresses a thought of clarity that describes to a tee, but goes beyond into a characterization that stops you in your tracks and makes sense of the world in a way I hadn't thought of before. " So like her daddy. Both sometimes so real, it makes you want to cringe, and yet such a relief when you're dying for someone to please cut through all the B.S.

I am so grateful to my friends who "get it," I can't even begin to tell you, but I'd like to try...

To read birthday wishes sent straight to my baby's heart says you welcome her, and you know she exists (even though the rest of the world, many of whom know her better as they experienced this multi-faceted, bigger-than-life child, now don't seem to "know" her or acknowledge her at all), and she matters. Yes, my child ~ and yours ~ matter.

When you described scenes of her holding me tight, it took me back, and I could actually feel what it was like with her arms around me...

When you described birthday parties in Heaven, I could see the party and revel in it.

When you reminded me I will be with her again to hold her, I could see myself there with her, and know "now" is only a dream, while "being with her for an eternity" --though not presently seen-- is the true reality I can climb into.

"The Lord hears our cries and saves our tears" paints the picture of the beautiful reality of the tenderness of God toward us, and the preciousness of who we are to Him, that He would actually save our tears, those tears the rest of the world seems to see as despicable and weak, and signals that we aren't doing the "job" they've assigned for us to do ~ to get over "it" and "move on," as if "it" were not our vital, beautiful loving child, but was just a piece of refuse picked up off the dirty street and held onto like some great "find" by some crazed person who doesn't have a lick of sense...

"Only His peace that passes understanding sustains us," says you "get it" ~ this experiencing a child's death is a feat none could bear alone, but there is available to us the Loving One's love and comfort that alone can give us the peace we thought was unattainable. And it is a reminder that He is there and His love is there for the taking.

"I hope you are surrounded by her love and warm memories," you write, and immediately I feel surrounded by her, and so grateful that you know how important that is!

"She is a precious Teen Angel and I am sure having an amazing Birthday!" from one of her friend's mothers who KNOWS my baby, and recognizes the reality of where she is now and who she still is and what she is doing right now ~ the REALITY that's real, but that cannot be seen by the human eye, yet true anyway. But she knows it's true like I know it's true, and she stepped out of her comfort zone to acknowledge that for me and for Merry Katherine.

"Thinking of y'all today!" ~ says, This day is special, and we have not forgotten; we're with you in spirit even though not in flesh, but our hearts are with you.

"Sending cyber hugs to" me and Tommy, acknowledging that very special "happiness and fulfillment" she brought to our lives, and then a direct "Happy Birthday Merry Katherine!" acknowledging you know she's real, so real you are sending a wish straight to her heart.

"My thoughts and prayers are with you...your sweet baby...." Each acknowledgment of her validates her sweetness and the reality of her existence to me; thoughts and prayers say you're with me in heart, and you know, really KNOW how hard it is for us to be apart from one another.

"Thinking of you and Merry Katherine today and always" says ~I'm with you, and I will continue to be with you!~ Wow!

"I can just see Merry and (ER) meeting at her party up in Heaven and talking about how their mom's are on the same facebook group!" ~helps me then... I can SEE them talking, and am so glad they KNOW we're united in spirit down here as we're grieving being away from them...who are now together.

"For now Jesus holds them, until we meet face to face." ~ instantly reminds me ~She IS being loved, and held, and nurtured / She IS important / She IS being cared for, (not something that was just thrown out with the day's trash as the civilian's "move on" approach would suggest! And she is in community with our other precious children, embraced in our Lord's arms.

"Like when you come through an airport and in the crowd you see your loved one peeking through" ~ brings tears as I SEE her watching for me expectantly.

"My candle will be lit here in California" ~ you are doing a physical action acknowledging what is spiritually sent my way. Very touching.

"I hope you feel her arms holding you tight" ~ I do now that you paint the beautiful picture for me.

"May you feel her presence all around you" ~ reminds me how much through the day her presence was right here beside me... enabling me to reflect back on each instance....

"One day, we will all have the BIGGEST birthday party ever in Heaven!" ~ sweetly reminds me, ~It's coming and you have that to look forward to.

"My prayers are with you." ~ says, I'm not alone in this pain.

"I'm remembering Merry with you and sending up "Happy Birthday" wishes to your beautiful daughter." ~ another tangible wish being sent to my baby, and your taking time to remember her AND send her wishes validates a here-and-now "friendship" wish being sent to my precious living daughter!

"May your treasured memories of Merry bring a smile to your face everyday, and allow you sweet dreams of her each night. I wish you peace." ~What a beautiful blessing of peace that conjures up the times today (on her birthday), I had already "felt" those very things, and knowing you are sending me a blessing that such sweet feelings continue to go with me.

Another "Happy Birthday to your sweet baby girl." ~ incredible pictures in my heart, seeing my new friends not only loving me, but actively sending love and acknowledgement to my little one.

"And blessings to her namesake." ~ Wow, already a blessing being sent to another precious one hidden from our eyes now, but who is very real, and yet without being seen, is being acknowledged as real, and is being blessed!

And finally "What a beautiful day you had, even in the midst of the sadness. I know God was with you." ~ And Indeed, HE WAS with me, and how sweet to know that you KNOW that too!

❤Much love and appreciation to you all for taking time to "be with" me on that very special day... :0) ❤

Before the Morning

Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,

Feel the things that hurt you?

If there's a God who loves you,

where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Some day, some how,

You'll see, you'll see

Chorus:

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing,

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light

Press on, you just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,

It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

And you know where you're going,

You just don't know how you'll get there

So say a prayer.

and hold on,

'Cause there's good who love God,

But life is not a snapshot,

It might take a little time,

But you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing,

'Cause the pain you've been feeling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light

Press on, you just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,

before the morning,

yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory,

All your pain will fade to memory

Once you feel the weight of glory,

All your pain will fade to memory

Memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

That you still got a reason to sing,

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

That you still go a reason to sing,

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you got to wait for the light

Press on, just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain you've been feeling,

It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain you've been feeling,

It's just the dark before the morning

Before the morning, yeah, yeah

Before the morning

Friday's Faith - Reconstructing Our New Family: Thank Goodness, Other Child-Loss Parents "Get It"

Friday's Faith

Reconstructing Our New Family:

Thank Goodness, Other Child-Loss Parents "Get It"

Child-Loss parents "get it." We "get it" because our world has come to a halt. Our whole beings have been through an assault. An assault has been dumped on us.

This past Tuesday, on Merry Katherine's 5th birthday away from us, hearing what our new friends, (other child-loss parents) said to us was so special ~ We were crying every time somebody said something, We were touched very deeply by what each of you said. We were not traumatized by anything that you said.

(We're more traumatized when somebody doesn't say something, but if they did they wouldn't say it right.)

I had one aunt that called, and she had lost a child. And the one friend Tommy spent some time with on that day, also has been through child-loss.)

We have a new language we speak to each other that no one else understands.

Within the language that we child-loss mothers speak to each other, Tommy noticed, is the "ongoing bond" ~ a continuing relationship with our child even in their absence.

Instead of "moving on," as we are so oft scolded to do, we're spending the much needed time and work of reconstructing our lives and reconstructing the newly emerging bonds with our deceased child, even reconstructing different bonds with our living children. According to the research , this continuing bond with our deceased (but spiritually living) child is key to being able to go on living (in a meaningful and healthy way).

Evidently, we are also reconstructing our families...to include those who love us IN our grief and pain, and who want to get to know and love our children, whether deceased OR living. Thankfully, I did hear from some family members that day, two precious nieces, a nephew, and a sister-in-law. It was so precious and touched each of us so deeply.

Once again, I was surprised and disappointed by the family members from whom I did not hear, adding to my already-deep hurt and pain. The fact that I keep getting "surprised" by their insensitivity tells me I am giving way too much credit to people who say they love me but don't seem to be able to live out that love in the ways I would naturally expect...

Thank you to our beloved brothers-and-sisters-in-grief. Without you, our pathways would be much lonelier and even more unbearable. Why others cannot grieve with those who grieve as our Master lovingly directed, we will not be able to fathom this side of Heaven...

Since your words were so beautiful, I would like to share them with other readers, anonymously of course to protect privacy:

Merry Katherine's Birthday

"Hi Angie,

"I know today will be very hard for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers always but especially on those special days like today, the day your precious daughter was born. I hope you can have happy thoughts of her and will be surrounded by the rest of your family. I love you and am praying for you." ~CWR

"Angie and Tommy, I'm thinking and praying for you on this, your precious angel Merry's birthday. I know the Lord hears our crys and saves our tears and am so thankful for that. Only His peace that passes all understanding sustains us. All my love and prayers." ~KTH

"Happy Birthday to your sweet Merry Catherine. I hope you are surrounded by her love and warm memories of days passed. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. ((((♥))))" ~KKL

"Much love and prayers" ~ms pd

"She is a precious Teen Angel and I am sure having an amazing Birthday!" ~LHP

"Beautiful! Love and miss you ; )" ~MBT

"Thinking of y'all today!" CCB, MSB, and children

"Thoughts & prayers with you, Angie!" ~FB

Angie & Tommy, I am thinking of you both and sending some cyber hugs your way on this most important day...the day your precious daughter Merry Katherine was born and brought such happiness and fulfillment to your lives.

Happy Birthday Merry Katherine! May sweet and loving memories of your beautiful little girl hold the sadness at bay for just a little while. ♥ ~DP

"Angie hope the day brings you sweet memories of Merry Katherine and little tears. Hugs from new jersey" ~LM

"Tried my best to avoid this day, but God had too many awesome things to show me today. I'm so blessed by His prescence, you'd think that I would remember that and just jump in with both feet more often!" ~RTP

"Angie, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this difficult day of remembering your sweet baby's birthday. Love and hugs," ~EK

"Dearest Angie and Tommy, I pray the day will be gentle and you will dwell on the happy memories of your precious Merry Katherine. Happy Birthday Merry Katherine!" ~CWR

"Thinking of you and Merry Katherine today and always, Angie...." ~CZS

"Hi Angie ~ happy birthday to beautiful Merry Katherine, and to you her mom. Many blessings and prayers to you today. Hugs from Colorado..." ~MHS

"Happy Birthday Merry Katherine!! My thoughts and prayers are with you Angie and Tommy. To me, (B's) birthday is the second hardest day of the year...only slightly more manageable than the day of her passing. Words can never do justice in explaining the pain we feel when we must face these days each year, and experience the re-breaking of our own hearts. Love and hugs to you both." ~TE

"Angie, You have been in my thoughts and prayers all day. I hope that you felt your precious Merry Katherine close to your heart. I can just see Merry and (ER) meeting at her party up in Heaven and talking about how their mom's are on the same facebook group! How we long to be there with them. Give your hubby a hug and tell him that we are thinking of him, too. Birthdays are so hard, but soon and very soon we are all going to be together again. For now Jesus holds them, until we meet face to face. I love the passage in Thessalonians that says we will first meet up with our loved ones and then together we will meet the Savior in the air at the Second Coming! I always think of it like when you come through an airport and in the crowd you see your loved one peaking through. That will be our girls when we meet them again. ((((Hugs))))" ~TB

"Angie, thinking of you today on Merry's birthday. My candle will be lit here in California in her memory. I hope you feel her arms holding you tight." ~CH

"Thinking of you also today, may you feel her presence all around you." ~LM

"Angie, thinking of you and your precious Merry today on her birthday. One day, we will all have the BIGGEST birthday party ever in Heaven! My prayers are with you. Love and hugs." ~KTH

"‎(((Angie))) I'm remembering Merry with you and sending up "Happy Birthday" wishes to your beautiful daughter. May your treasured memories of Merry bring a smile to your face everyday, and allow you sweet dreams of her each night. I wish you peace. God bless you & your family. Love & Hugs!!" ~MH

"Dear Angie, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today on your sweet Merry Katherine's birthday. I hope you can let the wonderful memories comfort you today. Love," ~KHA

"Thinking of you today on Merry's birthday. I hope you feel her arms around you today my friend. My candle will be lit here in California in her memory" ~CH

"Happy 24th Birthday to your baby girl. HUGS." ~SKS

"The poem is just beautiful. Happy Birthday to your sweet baby girl. And blessings to her namesake." ~BRK

"Happy Birthday to your daughter. I do believe that she had everything to do with the little girl on the way~~" ~BL

"Angie, your blog today - "Wednesday's Woe" - was awesome. What a beautiful day you had, even in the midst of the sadness. I know God was with you". ~MHS

We thank you all so much for your incredible sweetness, and I am SURE sweet Merry Katherine is blowing kisses to each of you and to your babies!❤

Wednesday's Woe - Missing the Uniqueness of My Baby...

Wednesday's Woe

Missing the Uniqueness of My Baby...

Merry Katherine's Birthday. We went to her grave site today...

I actually woke up happy this morning, and even had good dreams for a change... I was rejoicing that we had Merry Katherine 24 years ago, and how sweet that was to have our baby girl.

But as the day wore on, I had some unfortunate "Non Child-Loss Grief War civilian" downloads dumped in my lap to deal with that came seemingly out of left field - totally unexpected, that stirred me up to the most agitated state I've been in for quite a while... Finally by mid-afternoon, I told Tommy,

"I've got to go to her graveside for awhile."

Since it had been a long time since we had been, I gathered up cleaning tools and fresh silk flowers to take for her to have a clean marker with new pink birthday roses. East Tennessee is like my home state of Georgia in that it has Red Clay, and so at the graveyard, the red clay backs up onto the granite marker, filling in the engraved letters with mud which later dries out into red dirt so that you can barely read the information on our baby's grave. So I took about five old toothbrushes, a large brush, a large roll of paper towels, and the computer air cleaner, "Dust Remover - Compressed-Gas Duster" I think 3M calls it, and put them all in a plastic bag. Thankfully, Tommy decided to go with me. :)

When we got there and walked up to her grave stone, I pulled the cleaners and brushes out of the plastic bag and slid the plastic bag under me to sit down on instead of on the dirty ground, and I set out scrubbing and cleaning her grave stone while Tommy cleaned the mud and old flowers out of the vase. I told Tommy,

"This feels so good to get the agitation out and be doing something constructive for her."

While I was working, a peace came over me that amazingly settled the agitation. Tommy began straightening out his mother's grave site, and his uncle's, whose plots are across from, and next to, her site.

A woman down the way at the end of the row from us was tending a grave marker as well. I waved and she waved back. Later, she walked over and surprised me when she saw which grave marker I was working on and remarked,

"Oh! I know her! Are you her mother?"

She then told us she works at Central Baptist-Bearden Church, and that she knew Merry Katherine from there. (This is where Merry Katherine and her brothers chose to go to the wonderful youth department there when they were all in high school.)

Her name was Faye. She continued ~

"Your daughter was always smiling. She was always happy and full of spunk."

And as I pulled my hair out of my eyes, she lit up and said,

"And she looks just like you. You both are beautiful!"

Tommy laughed and said, "Yes, thank goodness she took after her mother."

And Faye laughed and then said, "Well I bet she had your personality."

I said, "She has his personality to a tee."

We had a sweet and encouraging conversation with Faye who had lost her husband sixteen years ago. It was such an edifying time to meet someone who knew our baby ~ and knew her sweet and fun personality like we did. Faye then left.

I knelt down and patted Merry Katherine's body by patting the ground over her body, and talked to her, crying. It was so good to commune with her and let the tears fall onto the grass over her. Again, a soothing peace fell over me as Merry Katherine reminded me,

"I'm okay Mommy. I'm here." (meaning up here in spirit...)

Later, after we got home, Tommy and I began talking about the agitating issues I had faced earlier in the day, and Tommy remarked,

"If Merry Katherine had been here she would have said things in such a way that would have transformed that situation for you."

We both cried. . .

I miss my baby and all the critically important roles she played in our lives. I miss my baby girl, and yet I am so thankful for the 19 years I got to have with her...

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