Blessed Christmas! Spending Christmas without Merry...

Blessed Christmas!

Spending Christmas without Merry

There are no halls decked with holly

There are no people looking jolly…

There is no door bedecked with a wreath

Just two people swamped with grief…

There are no packages under a tree

And there's no tree, just you and me…

Life is not a bowl, and it has no cherry

Since we lost our child, our darling Merry…

There are Christmas cards from a few friends

Though you find friends are few when your child's life ends…

We do order movies, but they are all about grief,

For shedding our tears does bring us some relief…

There is no shopping, for we find we need no presents;

We just need mourning time as we long for our Merry's presence…

There is no church we can attend,

For, filled with Child-Loss Grief, we find there's no room in the Inn…

But, we do find our Savior hovering near

He brings us grace and even lends His sweet cheer…

For you see, tastes all change when your child dies;

All we need is comfort, and our Lord to wipe our eyes...

He surrounds us with constant reminders of His love

In His scriptures for the brokenhearted filled with Comfort from Above…

He reminds us there's sweetness in our grief with echoes from Above

Because when each tear falls, it's all about the child we both so deeply love…

And somehow He lets us know He understands

For the Son of God was also the Son of man…

For our Lord who was born on that first Christmas night

Was surrounded from day one with Death's horrendous blight…

He too was wounded and acquainted with grief

He knew the feelings of despair that brought Him no relief...

His Father, too, knows our pain from the very bottom of His heart

Because He too lost His precious Child, and the whole world turned dark…

The Holy Spirit comes and joins us in our pain;

He recognizes our grief in each wordless groan He makes…

So somehow, as this Christmas day draws near

Though our hearts are torn without our Merry here,

Our hearts are comforted as God: the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

So tenderly draw near…

Merry, precious Merry, how we miss you our sweet child

Though seasons come and seasons go,

Whether spring winds, summer rains, fall chills, or winter snow,

Our Lord understands that without you our darling child,

Our spirits, this side of Heaven, will be forever riled…

So my bereaved friends, amidst your grief and pain,

May you remember that our God and Savior do truly understand...

With our Lord's sweetest blessings,

 Merry Christmas to all 

and

a God-Blessed and -Comforted New Year!

Poem - Spending Christmas without Merry ~Angie Bennett Prince - December 18, 2014

Top picture, thanks to

Dave Walli 

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/402016704211852748

Bottom picture, thanks to

Dawn Barton

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/402016704211887180

Tuesday's Trust - The Birthday Party Now

Tuesday's Trust

The Birthday Party Now

With Merry Katherine's birthday coming up in 2 1/2 weeks, her birthday is on my mind... So last night I had a wonderful dream that ended in a nightmare. And yet, her happiness was replete, unencumbered by the complications occurring around me...

I dreamed of your birthday party last night;

Happy, you were, surrounded by your friends ~

Oh, for me, it was a joyous sight,

Like a glimpse at a happiness that never ends…

My family soon came to join the party,

A festive reunion was felt in the air.

The joy was great, the laughter hardy;

Then entered a tiny glimpse at despair…

When a grumpy soul issued a complaint,

Communicating I was doing it all wrong,

The festive air attempting to taint,

But I knew the happiness coming of your birthday song…

and knew you were above the fray of the fretting doubts of the petulant throng.

Is that how it is today:

Your happiness is complete;

The tragic air that surrounds me,

With your joy, simply cannot compete?

The taunts that come do not touch you

For you're surrounded with your Heavenly view.

And I? I must simply keep my eyes Above,

Seeing, you truly are ever surrounded with love.

The torments here may come and go

But I know they'll never impair your Heavenly glow!

Rest easy now my child in all your joy;

Your family of love will soon come to enjoy

Our Heavenly Father's never-ending love

As we join the ranks in your party Above.

Until then, please know, our hearts are ever with you;

Though steeped in sadness, we're ever refreshed by God's Heavenly Dew

That keeps reminding us of the Joy that lies ahead when together we'll sing,

"Happy Birthday to you!"

Picture, thanks to ~Pinterest
Poem - The Birthday Party Now - Angie Bennett Prince - 3/11/2013

Saturday's Sayings - No Holiday From Grief

Saturday's Sayings

No Holiday From Grief

The holidays are upon us and while many of us revel in the joy family traditions bring, for those grieving a loss, the holidays can hold little joy.

So what should we do for those we care about mourning a loss? Do we send cards? Buy gifts? Try to cheer them up?

For starters, it’s important to understand that grief is very individual and runs its own course. It’s not something anyone can control and the bereaved need to mourn their loss at their own pace and in their own time. Holidays are a particularly difficult time because absences are acutely felt and holidays, with established traditions, demonstrate how much life has changed.

One reader, whose family hosted a holiday meal for friends, continued the tradition the first year after his spouse’s death. But he found it too painful and accepted an invitation the next year, changing the way his family celebrated the holiday. Another reader who traditionally hosted the family holidays decided to leave town for the first holiday after her spouse’s death. Instead of taking care of the family with dinner and presents, she went to a spa and let someone take care of her. It gave her the space to recharge and rethink her role in her family and by the second year, she was ready to create new family traditions.

Your support, especially during the holidays, is important. While cards and gifts are thoughtful, your companionship might be the best gift of all. It’s helpful to initiate a discussion and ask the bereaved what traditional activities they’d like to participate in and what they might be comfortable doing. But only ask if you are willing to make changes to accommodate their feelings. They might like to stick with traditions or, they might like to create new ones. You’ll never know unless you ask.

~Grieving Mothers

~Robbie Miller

~via Grieving Mothers

~~~~~

~Star Bright Angels

Do not judge the bereaved mother,
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young,
but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
She cleans, she works, she IS,
But she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, 
but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
A Child that loses a parent is an orphan,
A Man who loses his wife is a widower,
A Woman who loses her husband is a widow,
However, there is no name 
for a parent who loses a child,
For there is no word to describe such pain.

~~~~~

~In Memory of Lost Loved Ones

~~~~~

~The Compassionate Friends/USA

~~~~~

~In Memory of Lost Ones

~~~~~

~Love Hope and Dream

~~~~~

Suggestions for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

It is important to recognize it is not unusual to feel sad or depressed during the holiday season or around other special dates -- anniversaries of births or deaths or special occasions. Holidays and special dates can trigger an episode of the blues, feelings of loneliness, depression and melancholy, especially if one is still in an active grieving process.

Here is a list of suggestions to help you cope:

-It's okay to cry.

-Especially if you are grieving, don't (try) to be all things for all people. Learn to set realistic limits on your energies.

-Make time for yourself. If possible, do something self-indulgent, such as getting a massage, a new hair cut or even just taking a bubble bath.

-Call, visit, write or e-mail a long-lost friend, someone who is house-bound, or an elderly relative.

-Get plenty of sleep and exercise.

-Try to minimize drinking and eating. During periods of the blues, drinking can contribute to the depression and the associated guilt.

-Spend time with people who care about you, who are nurturing and supportive. Try and limit the amount of time spent with people who drive you crazy.

-Enjoy free activities:

Walk in the community park

Watch the sunset

Smell baking bread

Browse through books or magazines in bookstores or grocery stores (especially in sections you don't normally visit)

Window shop without buying

Listen to outdoor Christmas concerts

Enjoy Christmas carolers

-Donate your money or time to a local charity. It’s a way of helping those who may have less.

-Keep daily expectations manageable. Set realistic goals, decide what you can comfortably handle, and let your family and friends know about your limitations.

-Realize that each holiday, birthday or anniversary is only one day. Take them one occasion at a time.

-Consider doing something in memory of departed loved ones:

Set up a scholarship

Dedicate a bench or plaque

Plant a tree

Adopt a needy family

Donate money to their favorite cause

Publish an ad in the local paper to remember an anniversary

-Create rituals to remember the loved one:

Light a special candle

Play a favorite song

Hang a certain ornament

Hang a stocking for the loved one in which people can include notes

Listen to music your loved one liked

Write letters or notes expressing your feelings and share them with others if it seems appropriate

-Get out in nature. Walk, hike, or just enjoy feeling the winter chill.

-It's okay to enjoy yourself, to laugh and to have fun. Laughter is healing and is not a sign of disrespect. Think about the person you have lost and try to imagine asking them the question, "Is it OK for me to enjoy myself now?" I think you will discover the answer to be "YES."

-Blow bubbles (it makes you feel like a kid again!)

-Go to or rent an uplifting movie. Some of the ones that always make me feel better are:

"It's a Wonderful Life"

"Miracle on 34th Street"

"Sleepless in Seattle"

"Forrest Gump"

"Apollo 13"

"The Princess Bride"

"Bed of Roses"

"It Could Happen to You"

"Sleeping Beauty"

"The Sound of Music"

"The Wizard of Oz"

"The Full Monty"

"Ever After"

-Buy a tree or plant, then create a ceremony to plant it.

-Look for activities at your local recreation department or community college.

-See a play or a concert at a high school or college. Check your local paper for listings and ideas.

-Attend a church service.

-Attend a poetry reading.

-Start a journal to record your thoughts, feelings and writings -- to share or just to get out of your system.

-Join a health club, YMCA or local park and recreation department for exercise classes.

-Try to keep a cheerful disposition with sales clerks, people waiting in lines, people in the produce section of the grocery store, etc.

-Simple, genuine statements can often lead to conversations. For example, "I need to pick a present for my [fill in the blank]. What do you think of this?" or "What a handsome dog!"

-Keep trying. You may find someone else who is also experiencing the blues and would welcome the chance to talk with a pleasant stranger and may become a new friend.

~Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT

~~~~~

~In Loving Memory

~~~~~

~Wings of Hope Living Forward

MOTHER PLEASE DON'T MOURN FOR ME

Mother, please don’t mourn for me,

I’m still here, though you don’t see.

I’m right by your side each night and day,

And within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone, but I’m always near,

I’m everything you feel, see or hear.

My spirit is free, but I’ll never depart,

As long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight,

I’m the brightest star on a Summer night.

I’ll never be beyond your reach,

I’m the warm, moist sand when you’re at the beach.

I’m the colourful leaves when Fall comes around,

And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.

I’m the beautiful flowers of which you’re so fond,

The clear, cool water in a quiet pond.

I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the Spring,

The first warm raindrop that April will bring.

I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,

And you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you,

You can talk to me through the Lord above you.

I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,

And you’ll find my presence in the soft Summer breeze.

I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep,

And the beautiful dreams that come when you sleep.

Just look for me Mom, I’m everyplace.

~Author Unknown

~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

~~~~~

If I listen closely

I can hear the rustle

of ANGEL wings

and know you are

still with us.

~Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

~via Grieving Mothers

~~~~~

Every day and every night,

when you feel the need to hold me tight,

Just blow a kiss into the sky,

for I will be that close by.

In the Heavens throughout the day,

I watch over you and hear you pray

I see you smile and shed a tear,

for you know that I'm still near.

I'm the Angel of your eye,

your Angel in the sky. . .

On This New Year's Eve, Scriptures and a Poem for Grieving Mothers and Daddies... - On the Dawn of a New Year

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

~John 16:33

On This New Year's Eve,

Scriptures and a Poem

for Grieving Mothers and Daddies...

On the Dawn of a New Year...

On the dawn of a New Year I ask,

What does this year hold?

More tears, angst, and trauma,

Or blessings manifold?

New physical manifestations

Of our deep-seated grief,

Or newfound mercies of our God

That send us blessed relief?

Deeper understandings

Of the sufferings of mankind

That never could we ever have known

Without these death blows that blind?

Sweeter communions with our God

Where He reveals His heart

For He too suffered the loss of His Child

That forever severed His heart?

(For surely He too bears the scars

That penetrate, just like those on His Son

Yet never His merciful love toward us mars

As it still shines brilliantly as the sun!)

So, as I ponder what lies beyond the brink

Of this New Year's Eve's horizon

Just one week after our wondrous celebration

Of Heaven's greatest earthly visitation,

I'm again stopped in my tracks with awe

At God's willing sacrifice of Love

That reached down in mercy to rescue my child

To take her to her Home above,

That it makes me humbly stop and think,

No matter what lies beyond the day,

Our Savior walks alongside Death's brink,

Showering His comfort all along our way,

Promising that all our sufferings He'll redeem

On that Shore that shows: Troubles here aren't what they seem...

May we keep in mind as we continue to heal:

Our troubles here are but birth pains

of the blissful glory He'll soon reveal!

*****

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

~Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

*****

1 THEREFORE, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit.

2 For the law of the Spirit of life [which is] in Christ Jesus [the law of our new being] has freed me from the law of sin and of death.

3 For God has done what the Law could not do, [its power] being weakened by the flesh [the entire nature of man without the Holy Spirit]. Sending His own Son in the guise of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, [God] condemned sin in the flesh [subdued, overcame, deprived it of its power over all who accept that sacrifice],

4 So that the righteous and just requirement of the Law might be fully met in us who live and move not in the ways of the flesh but in the ways of the Spirit [our lives governed not by the standards and according to the dictates of the flesh, but controlled by the Holy Spirit].

5 For those who are according to the flesh and are controlled by its unholy desires set their minds on and pursue those things which gratify the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit and are controlled by the desires of the Spirit set their minds on and seek those things which gratify the [Holy] Spirit.

6 Now the mind of the flesh [which is sense and reason without the Holy Spirit] is death [death that comprises all the miseries arising from sin, both here and hereafter]. But the mind of the [Holy] Spirit is life and [soul] peace [both now and forever].

7 [That is] because the mind of the flesh [with its carnal thoughts and purposes] is hostile to God, for it does not submit itself to God's Law; indeed it cannot.

8 So then those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him.

9 But you are not living the life of the flesh, you are living the life of the Spirit, if the [Holy] Spirit of God [really] dwells within you [directs and controls you]. But if anyone does not possess the [Holy] Spirit of Christ, he is none of His [he does not belong to Christ, is not truly a child of God].

10 But if Christ lives in you, [then although] your [natural] body is dead by reason of sin and guilt, the spirit is alive because of [the] righteousness [that He imputes to you].

11 And if the Spirit of Him Who raised up Jesus from the dead dwells in you, [then] He Who raised up Christ Jesus from the dead will also restore to life your mortal (short-lived, perishable) bodies through His Spirit Who dwells in you.

12 So then, brethren, we are debtors, but not to the flesh [we are not obligated to our carnal nature], to live [a life ruled by the standards set up by the dictates] of the flesh.

13 For if you live according to [the dictates of] the flesh, you will surely die. But if through the power of the [Holy] Spirit you are [habitually] putting to death (making extinct, deadening) the [evil] deeds prompted by the body, you shall [really and genuinely] live forever.

14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

15 For [the Spirit which] you have now received [is] not a spirit of slavery to put you once more in bondage to fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption [the Spirit producing sonship] in [the bliss of] which we cry, Abba (Father)! Father!

16 The Spirit Himself [thus] testifies together with our own spirit, [assuring us] that we are children of God.

17 And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory.

18 [But what of that?] For I consider that the sufferings of this present time (this present life) are not worth being compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us and for us and conferred on us!

19 For [even the whole] creation (all nature) waits expectantly and longs earnestly for God's sons to be made known [waits for the revealing, the disclosing of their sonship].

20 For the creation (nature) was subjected to frailty (to futility, condemned to frustration), not because of some intentional fault on its part, but by the will of Him Who so subjected it--[yet] with the hope

21 That nature (creation) itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and corruption [and gain an entrance] into the glorious freedom of God's children.

22 We know that the whole creation [of irrational creatures] has been moaning together in the pains of labor until now.

23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves too, who have and enjoy the firstfruits of the [Holy] Spirit [a foretaste of the blissful things to come] groan inwardly as we wait for the redemption of our bodies [from sensuality and the grave, which will reveal] our adoption (our manifestation as God's sons).

24 For in [this] hope we were saved. But hope [the object of] which is seen is not hope. For how can one hope for what he already sees?

25 But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure.

26So too the [Holy] Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and pleads in our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings too deep for utterance.

27 And He Who searches the hearts of men knows what is in the mind of the [Holy] Spirit [what His intent is], because the Spirit intercedes and pleads [before God] in behalf of the saints according to and in harmony with God's will.

28 We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

29 For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.

30 And those whom He thus foreordained, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified (acquitted, made righteous, putting them into right standing with Himself). And those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity and condition or state of being].

31 What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?]

32 He who did not withhold or spare [even] His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will He not also with Him freely and graciously give us all [other] things?

33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect [when it is] God Who justifies [that is, Who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or impeach those whom God has chosen? Will God, Who acquits us?]

34 Who is there to condemn [us]? Will Christ Jesus (the Messiah), Who died, or rather Who was raised from the dead, Who is at the right hand of God actually pleading as He intercedes for us?

35 Who shall ever separate us from Christ's love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? Or calamity and distress? Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword?

36 Even as it is written, For Thy sake we are put to death all the day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep for the slaughter.

37 Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us.

38 For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers,

39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8 (AMP)

*****

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord...

31 For men are not cast off

by the Lord forever.

32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,

so great is his unfailing love.

33 For he does not willingly bring affliction

or grief to the children of men.

~Lamentations 3:22-26,31-33 (NIV)

Poem - On the Dawn of a New Year... - Angie Bennett Prince - 12/31/2011

*NIV - New International Version of The Holy Bible

*AMP - Amplified Bible

Thursday's Therapy - Amidst Child-Loss Grief, Giving the Gift of the "Authentic You"

Thursday's Therapy

Amidst Child-Loss Grief,

Giving the Gift of the "Authentic You"

At Christmas, Tommy and I didn't try to force anything. We decided only to do what we could do, even though admitting limitations can be hard at such seemingly "magical" times as Christmas is in our families and in our culture. For instance, our new grandbaby got to be "Baby Jesus" in a Christmas play before the whole church on Christmas morning in the Sunday morning worship service, her daddy (our son) being Joseph, and her mother (our daughter-in-law) being Mary!!! We knew, as much as we wanted to be there, for grief reasons, we could not. This could have been a major disappointment to my son and his wife but they extended much grace toward us.

Then, they were to celebrate Christmas with us on Christmas afternoon, but as it turned out, I got NO sleep on Christmas Eve night, so I had to cancel our celebration plans for that afternoon. They dropped by at 10 that night instead, due to a supernatural "coincidence" in timing: When they were driving home from my son's in-laws' house they saw Tommy taking our trash out for trash pick-up due to come the next day, Tommy also saw them and excitedly waved them into the driveway. They were able to visit us for about an hour and open their presents, and we made plans to go to their house the next day for further celebration.

The next day, even though we also had plans to go by the cemetery, we went by their house and had a joyful time watching our grand daughter jump in the new jumperoo we had given her the night before ~ her smiles and squeals of joy melted the trauma right off our grieving hearts and brought us to life!!!

It was a perfect scenario of authenticity ~ accepting our own limitations, and our children accepting our limitations set the grace-in-motion so true of love that was able to culminate in a joyful celebration with one another as we authentically showed our love to them and to our grandchild with no regrets and no actions based out of fear.

How refreshing. How grace-filled. How rewarding. And for our gift to our grandbaby to align exactly with her developmental needs of the moment was an exquisite moment of joy for all to behold. God is good. No actions performed out of guilt. Just sweet, pure moments of love expressed in joy.

Dr. Athena Staik teaches more about this kind of authentic giving of ourselves in an article I just received in the 12/28/2011 Psych Central Newsletter today:

The Ultimate Gift – Giving the Gift Being Authentically You

By ATHENA STAIK, PH.D.

Being authentically you is perhaps one of the greatest gifts you can give, not only to those that mean the world to you, but also to the people in your life in general – and especially to yourself.

What does it mean to be courageously and authentically you, and why is this a precious gift?

Authenticity is the permission you give yourself to be real, to be who you are, aware of warts and graces. This permission frees you to give and to live in relation to your self and others, especially key others, from a place of love, and not fear.

It’s precious because how you relate – give and receive – directly impacts the balance of your life and relationships.

And, speaking of fears, our deepest fears are not about spiders, snakes or bridges, which are surface fears in comparison. Our deepest fears have to do with intimacy and our deepest yearnings for meaningful connection, contribution, and relationships; they are matters of the heart.

To choose to live authentically is to choose to love authentically, a conscious way of feeling safe enough to love – give – with your whole heart.

And that means safe enough to set judicious limits, say or accept ‘no’ and ‘yes’ as viable options. Loving authentically with your whole heart means taking essential steps to consciously:

• Treat others and, at the same time, yourself with dignity and care.
• Give (to others and self) from a place of love – not fear.
• Remain open and empathically connected rather than defensive (triggered) when you face what most personally challenges you in relational contexts.

Why set healthy limits on your giving? When you set healthy limits, you:

• Give and express yourself from a place inside you that is authentic as it is rooted in your love – rather than fear, shame or guilt.

Being an authentic you has a lot to do with getting to know, to fully accept, and to love yourself and life in ways that allow you to authentically connect to connect to the courage to love with your whole heart.

It is only when you take one hundred percent responsibility for your inner emotional state and responses that you allow yourself to experience emotional fulfillment and personal transformation.

• Stand up for yourself from a place that intentionally sends a message that you like and respect yourself enough to treat yourself and the other with dignity even in challenging situations when emotions are pulling you in another direction.

One of the most important ways to express authenticity is in how you relate to your self. Others know from how you present yourself what is okay and not okay, in terms of how you want others to treat you. When you nurture a healthy space inside you, as well as around and between you and others, you send a clear message that you like and respect yourself, that you know what you want and do not want, and, most importantly, that you are aware of what you most need and value in life.

Thus, when you love with your whole heart, a required skill to cultivate is the capacity to remain open and vulnerable – in triggering contexts – without getting triggered.

Nurturing healthy limits in the way you love, give and express yourself is one of the most important ways to improve your relationships and your life, thus, your happiness.

• Setting healthy limits simultaneously conveys respect to others as persons, even when you strongly disagree with their viewpoint or feel pain in response to actions they took.

This is impossible to do, if you do not come from a place of deep respect and honor for yourself that is completely not dependent upon whether the other is treating you in the way you most want and deserve to be treated.

There are a number of things you can do to ensure that stress does not negatively affect your personal and relational well-being. You can schedule regular fun time. Eat healthful, nutritious meals. Exercise. Stretch. Breathe. Meditate. All of these are essential practices, proven by a substantial body of research, to be effective.

A lifestyle of conscious caring for your health helps remove much of the intensity and reactivity, and needless anguish. When you care for your body, you care for your mental health. You are strengthened to withstand the everyday pressures of life and relationships.

Much of the suffering we experience in relationship conflict, however, is related to limiting belief, and old ways we have learned to think and to talk — to ourselves — and to one another. In addition to a healthful lifestyle, your ability to communicate can be your greatest asset if you want to protect your happiness, and to more effectively deal with the challenges you face in relating to those closest to you.

In other words, what you say and, especially, how you say things matters when it comes to your happiness. It sets the tone for your giving and receiving – in other words, how you relate to your self and others.

Do you nurture healthy boundaries and limits in your relationships? Do your actions send a message that you respect and value yourself, your time and contribution? Do your actions similarly convey that you respect and value others and their contributions? Do you know how to “teach” others to respect you, or how to communicate your respect, especially in moments when you or others are seemingly unlovable?

Pause for a moment to reflect on the following statements; then use the scale below to rate how true each statement is for you:

0 – Not at all
1 – Occasionally
2 – Somewhat
3 – Moderately
4 – A lot
5 – Nearly Always

____ I find it difficult to stand up for myself.

____ I tolerate hurtful or sarcastic comments out of fear or worry.

____ I say “yes” to things I do not want to do, then resent it.

____ I feel powerless around pushy people and do what they want.

____ I feel others must be shamed or intimidated to do what is right.

____ I avoid ‘rocking the boat’ and go to great lengths to stop conflict.

____ I think “rocking the boat” is the only way to get things done.

____ I feel unsure and hesitant when it comes to handling conflict.

____ I say what I want, when and how I want to say it.

____ I think I must “please” others to feel okay or to not guilty.

____ I take what people say to me or about me personally.

____ I worry about what people are thinking of me.

If your score is higher than 10, you may benefit from developing more courage to be authentic and to set healthier limits. If your score is higher than 20, taking steps to nurture healthy limits and authentic connections with your self and others may need urgent attention. Your personal and relational happiness and well-being depend upon it.

When you are authentic, you love with your whole heart, you feel safe enough to remain open and vulnerable. Authenticity is about fully owning the power you have to make choices at any moment regarding how you will respond, or relate, to yourself and to life around you.

The first step? Know your triggers. More on this in the next post.

Choose to give the gift of being authentically you, and you will transform your life and relationships in ways that will surely surprise and delight you.

Do you have any instances of "authentic giving" amidst your grief? We would love to hear them! Please feel free to comment below!