Tuesday's Trust - A Mother's Cross

Tuesday's Trust

A Mother's Cross

What can extricate me

From this terrible pain?

I must train my eyes to see

My loss is still her gain…

But O this is such a terrible loss!

(…Yet she sees her Master upon the cross...

He gave His all that her child might live;

She bowed her head and humbly said,)

"Lord, what can I give?"

"My child, you're bearing the world's worst pain

That your child may have Me, her eternal gain.

It's a Sacred Trust you bear for love;

She's resting now in her Home above.

"So remember each time you shed a tear,

I draw your baby ever near:

Your salty tears she helps me collect

For by each tear, your souls connect!"

Paroxysms of grief begin to flow

As my love flows up from here below.

"My painful tears are the least I can give,

You gave Your life that my baby might live!

"The birth pangs from here to bear her There

Are this mother's sacrifice, 

As, Lord, our Sacrificial Love for her,

 Together, we might share."

~~~~~

"I believe that writing is an account of the powers of extrication."

~John Cheever, Journals  

~~~

"What is healing, but a shift in perspective." 

~Mark Doty, Heaven's Coast   

~~~

"I am the only one who can tell the story of my life and say what it means."

~Dorothy Allison, Two or Three Things I Know for Sure

~~~

~quotes gathered and shared by Louise De Salvo in her book, 

Writing as a Way of Healing

~~~~~

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book."

   

~Psalm 56:8 ~ New Living Translation (©2007)

~~~

"But now, like a woman in childbirth,

.......I cry out, I gasp and pant."

~Isaiah 42:14b New International Version (©1984)

~~~

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

'For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~Romans 8:22-29 New International Version (©1984)

~~~~~

"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." ~John 16:21 New International Version (©1984)

Poem - A Mother's Cross - Angie Bennett Prince - 12/10/2012

Friday's Faith - Requiem: Eric Wolterstorff in Memoriam - Part I: The Awfulness of Death

Friday's Faith

Requiem: Eric Wolterstorff in Memoriam

Part I:

The Awfulness of Death

In honor of their son Eric, Claire and Nicholas Wolterstorff commissioned composer Cary Ratcliff to write a requiem, to a text which they composed mainly from biblical passages. The first performance of Requiem: Eric Wolterstorff in Memoriam was given on May 18, 1986 in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Following is the text. Part I expresses the awfulness of Death.

Part I:

Truly terrible is the mystery of death. 

I lament at the sight of the beauty 

created for us in the image of God 

which lies now in the grave 

without shape, without glory, without 

consideration. 

What is this mystery that surrounds us? 

Why are we delivered up to decay? 

Why are we bound to death? 

~John of Damascus

There is hope for a tree if it be cut down, 

that it will sprout again

and its shoots will not cease. 

But we die and disappear. 

We breathe our last, and where are we?

~Job 14

Never again do we return home; 

our dwelling place knows us no more. 

~Job 7

Picture, Ashes, thanks to Google Images
Requiem, from Lament for a Son ~Nicholas Wolterstorff (1987)

Tuesday's Trust - The Silent Sobbing: Whom Can You Trust to Understand Your Grief? ~by Angie and Tommy Prince

Tuesday's Trust

The Silent Sobbing:

Whom Can You Trust to Understand Your Grief?

~by Angie and Tommy Prince

"What time was this?" he asks, and his voice is kind, as it has been throughout this interview, but I can't answer him. The day you were found, time went demented; a minute lasted half a day, an hour went past in seconds. Like a children's storybook, I flew in and out of weeks and through the years---second star to the right and straight on to a morning that would never arrive. I was in a Dali painting of drooping clocks, a Mad-Hatter's tea party time. No wonder Auden said, "Stop all the clocks"; it was a desperate grab for sanity.

"I don't know what time it was," I reply…. "Time didn't mean anything to me anymore. Usually time alters and affects everything, but when someone you love dies, time cannot change that---no amount of time will ever change that---so time stops having any meaning.

"(G)rief is love turned into an eternal missing."

~page 55, Sister: A Novel, by Rosamund Lupton (2010)

Rita Coolidge sings,

"I can tell by your eyes that you've probably been crying forever."

Why can other people not see that? That's what Tommy and I see every time we look into our mirror... Losing a child, we face the ultimate terror of the foreverness of never seeing that child again. And the amazing thing is that the psychological defenses go to work. Otherwise, you would never be able to function. Who can bear the loss of a child? You could never function under such pain.

So what happens is that the pain goes underground. There is always a silent sobbing going on with a bereaved parent. So how can you really be expected to function like you used to when you are crying all the time inside?

When you read about a mother losing two (2) children as I just did in an e-mail, your insides are crying out such that it opens up that deep well of grief. How can you speak and weep at the same time? So I don't even try. I may have to let days, sometimes even weeks pass before I can speak to such deep pain.

So you can imagine my dismay when I was talking on the phone to a close relative, one of the few left that I think I can trust emotionally as she too has experienced deep grief, when I heard her say to me the hackneyed phrase,

"You need to be here for those still here rather than for those who aren't."

As if I wouldn't love to do both!!!

Why do people think "logic" is going to prevail in a battle with the emotions??? Logic cannot capture our deep grief; it cannot even come close. It certainly cannot overcome our grief, nor our great love for our child, whether she is in Heaven or still on earth. She cannot and will not be dismissed so lightly, nor should she even be put in such a position! She is my child and always will be whether you accept it or not. She will always hold my heart, in many ways even more now than when she was here. Do you really think I could make a logical decision to "move on" away from my child? Never in a million years! My heart is ingrained with hers; it is longing for her. The world is not as it should be, and I am groaning. Even my God has said I would groan until the day of redemption of all His children. Who are you to defy God? What selfish wish are you trying to project on this broken heart? Keep it to yourself, or better yet work through it; don't pawn it off on me!

All I said to her was,

"That sounds real good in theory, but it just doesn't work that way."

(Who ARE these people who think they can counsel someone in Child-Loss when they've never been there themselves?) She had lost a brother when he was only eleven years old---perhaps she was wanting me to correct her own mother's grief. NO CAN DO! Each mother's grief is her own, and each person grapples with such disaster the best they can. The living children around that grief-struck mother will doubtless be affected; how could they not? But don't think a grieving mother can compromise her grieving heart just to make you feel that life can still be idyllic when that mother now knows, really knows, different.

There's a brokenness and a weeping always going on in a grieving parent. Where do I go with my brokenness? NO ONE seems to understand unless they've truly been there. And even then…we may be rendered speechless by one another's pain.

Who can you trust to understand these things about your grief? Is it any wonder I tend to hibernate with my husband who "gets it" with his own broken heart, with my sons who too are still so broken-hearted over losing their only sister who was so lively, so radiant, so full of love and laughter..., with you, my readers---likewise grieving parents, or those who humbly want to understand us, with my clients who also are dealing with their own hurts and losses in life, and with my Lord who knows my pain by His own Child-loss pain. My silent sobbing is, thankfully, understood deeply by these...

Saturday's Sayings - Sorrow, Suffering, Strength, and Spirit...

Saturday's Sayings

Sorrow, Suffering, Strength, and Spirit...

Sorry for the lateness of this post. We have been experiencing internet problems. Hope to get them cleared up soon!

~~~

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I catch a glimpse,

In softened waves of blue

My child, my heart…when I see a smile

I can't help but think of you

Sometimes these waves fill oceans.

And feelings string on every shore

A collections of each memory

And every way I wish for more

Sometimes I watch for answers

Because each day I call to you

I ask for faith and courage

And strength…to help me through

Sometimes I ask for bravery

Like dolphins in the deep

Because time moves oh so slowly

And sometimes the road is steep

Sometimes I want to scream

This was not what I had planned

Why you ever suffered

A mom can't understand

Sometimes I hear your laughter

And remember you at play

But My Child I always miss you

Not sometimes, but everyday

~ Colleen Ranney

~~~

Grief is neither an illness nor a pathological condition,

but rather a highly personal

and normal response

to life-changing events,

a natural process

that can lead to healing

and personal growth.

The transition through this difficult time

is the courageous journey.

~Sandi Caplan & Gordon Lang (Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook)

~~~

Remembering is an act of resurrection,

each repetition a vital layer of mourning,

in memory of those we are sure to meet again.

~ Nancy Cobb

~~~

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches.

If suffering alone taught,

all the world would be wise,

since everyone suffers.

To suffering must be added

mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness

and the willingness to remain vulnerable.

~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

~~~

"Stars are the forget-me-nots of angels

in the meadow of heaven."

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

~~~

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places." 

~Author Unknown

~~~

When those we love have left this earth, we still can feel them near. 

We'll see a picture, hear a song, and it's just like they are here. 

And when we call upon our faith, when we believe and trust, 

We know the ones we care about are always close to us.

~Constance Parker Graham

~~~

I know I'll see the sun shine bright

upon my baby's face...

When I finally get to heaven,

all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,

as angels two by two.

We'll have a sweet reunion,

this mother's dream come true!

~Author Unknown

~~~

"To all those who are grieving today. . . my heart is with you. Take your broken heart and spirit to the Lord and leave it there. . . I never really realized how 'much' God loved me until I lost my son. . . God 'gave' His ~ I know that I never could have done that. God knows your pain. God bless you today and always."

~Kathleen Doughman

Pictures and quotes, thanks to "The Far Side of the Rainbow"

Saturday's Sayings - The Reflection in the Mirror

Saturday's Sayings

The Reflection in the Mirror

Who’s that woman looking back at me in the mirror?

She doesn’t smile back at me; she has so much pain in her eyes.

I don’t like looking in the mirror; she is so much older than me.

Who is she and what does she want from me?

There are times I can see tears in her eyes.

What can I do for her?

How can I help her?

Does she know me?

I don’t recognize her.

I need to know her name; I think I’ve seen her before but, I’m not sure.

How long is she going to look back at me?

I don’t like this can someone please tell me her name?

Oh, wait a minute, I think I know her.

I’m looking at the face of PAIN.

~Unknown

*****

My husband Tommy came home from the doctor's office this week and said that while he was sitting on the doctor's table, he looked up and caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror. He was shocked to see puffy eyes with black circles underneath, and such a deflated look... He came home and asked me,

"Do I always look like that?!"

I too am shocked when I go to brush my teeth, look in the mirror, and think,

"Who is that old woman with the incredibly sad eyes looking at me?"

-- I look like I've aged at least ten to twenty years over these past five years of deep grief..."

*****

A grieving mother from one of the grief groups to which I belong shared this on Monday:

"When someone we love dies, a part of our life-dream dies, too...the depth and magnitude of the life-dream loss colored by the depth and magnitude of the love shared. There should really be two funerals. One honoring the person who died. The other honoring the part of our life-dream that has been crushed, obliterated, destroyed, and forever changed."

~Tom Zuba

Thank you Kristine.

*****

Another precious grieving mother shared with me last week:

"[Our] original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all . . . rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world's weather."

~Frederick Buechner, in Telling Secrets

She also shared this scripture; in this, may we take heart...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

~2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)

Thank you Leslie.

Picture and Poem - thanks to Grieving Mothers

Saturday's Sayings - Silence ~ The Silence of a Mother's Beating Heart

Saturday's Sayings

Silence

~

The Silence of a Mother's Beating Heart

Listen! Do you hear the silence

Of this mother's beating heart

Rendered speechless from her child's death, and since...

Do not judge this mother's broken heart

When from her side, her child's been ripped apart.

For her, her world has come to a stop;

Her silence is a form of shock...

What's there to say when love is her stock,

For who can tell the time

When the numbers fall from the clock?

~Angie Bennett Prince

*****

Silence is medication for sorrow.

~Arab Proverb

You can hear the footsteps of God when silence reigns in the mind.

~Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Silence is more musical than any song.

~Christina Rossetti

Words can make a deeper scar than silence can heal.

~Author Unknown

When all the noise is gone there is only God.

~Author Unknown

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence.... We need silence to be able to touch souls.

~Mother Teresa

*****

Since I lost you, I am silence-haunted;

Sounds wave their little wings

A moment, then in weariness settle

On the flood that soundless swings.

~D. H. Lawrence, from his poem, "Silence"

*****

Silence

Silence.

I think I can see

what silence is to me...

They cannot hear me now.

All I want to speak about is you.

So when they want me to talk

I have nothing to say

For only you fill my mind,

And you, they will not hear.

What on earth is important

but my love

and my love lost?

Anything else is fluff.

I don't want to hear

And can't seem to stomach

what they have to say

for what is important to them

is dribble to me...

For, she died,

And I am lost.

Now, do they wish I had not spoken?

I will not speak. I have nothing else to say.

They cannot hear what I have to say.

All they seem to say is their agenda for me.

And I cannot do agendas.

And what they fuss about

among themselves

is frivolous...

So I not only see your loss,

but have to see their waste,

their waste of their lives on the frivolous...

And their loveless animosity to any who are weak,

and I am weak...

My heart is torn out,

and with that I must deal,

And I will deal with that privately...

with those who are safe.

When the phone rings,

my heart drops...

My heart immediately wonders,

"Whom have I lost now?"

Is it any wonder I cannot answer...?

Silence.

~Angie Bennett Prince

*****

We live by symbolic substitution.

At the grave's lip,

what is but is not

is what returns you to

what is not.

~Frank Bidart, from his poem, "Like"

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

~Elizabeth Bishop, from her poem, "One Art"

*****

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep...

standing on the edge of something much too deep

funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word...

we are screaming inside, but we can't be heard...

~Sarah McLachlan

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Poem - The Silence of a Mother's Grieving Heart - Angie Bennett Prince - 5/20/11

Poem - Silence - Angie Bennett Prince - 5/20/11

Other poetry quotes, from The Art of Losing: Poems of Grief and Healing ~by Kevin Young