Thursday's Therapy – People Say a Lot of Dumb Stuff

Thursday's Therapy

People Say a Lot of Dumb Stuff

from

A TCF Speech – 8 Things I’ve Learned About the Grief of a Grieving Parent

Part Two of Eight

Jayne Raines Newton of The Atlanta Compassionate Friends mailed me this wonderfully therapeutic speech last week, and I'd like to pass it along to you!

2. PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF DUMB STUFF.

Two: Some of the things I have learned have turned up as chapter headings in some of my books. Maybe the one chapter heading that has spoken to more readers is the one that says. "People Are Going to Say a Lot of Dumb Stuff."

Somehow we expect people to have thought about the words that come out of their mouths as they gather around and try to help.

Actually, very few of us ever really examine the words we say.

We just sort of just open mouth, and spit out some cliché that we once heard, and assume that it will work.

We also start from the mistaken assumption that our job when we speak to a grieving person is

To fix things.

To solve their problem.

To say some magic set of words that will help them "snap out of it."

It works on television – why won't it work in the funeral home?

If you want to see a real "spitting contest," just start any group of Compassionate Friends to sharing some of the idiotic things people might have said to them to try and make them feel better…

The stupidity ranges all the way from

"God must have needed another angel in heaven."

To

"You're still young – so you can have other children."

To the absolutely abominable –

"I know exactly how you feel because my pet died."

Probably the only thing that will keep you from punching out a long-time friend who says one of those dumb things is to make yourself hear what they mean instead of what they say.

People just say dumb stuff. But they mean well. You gotta cut them some slack even though you're the one who is in need.

For what it's worth: You are probably now permanently cured from saying dumb stuff when you go to try and comfort a bereaved friend. For starters: If they know what you've been through, they are going to get all kinds of helpful, unspoken messages the minute you walk in the door.

You also now know... that hugs say things better than words. I find that looks and hugs are far more eloquent than any words I might put together.

You have before you if you choose to accept it, a tremendous opportunity to be a lifetime servant of grieving people.

You now hold the hard-won credentials of a person who can truly help... because you know all the dumb stuff not to say.

A little while back, I got word that the grown daughter of one of my closest friends had been raped. She was a single parent. A guy with a crowbar pried open the back door in the middle of the night, came in and raped her... with her children in the next room. When I got the news, I went straight to my car... straight to my friend's house, knocked on the front door.

My friend and his wife opened the door and I said,

"I'm here to hurt with you."

We hugged and cried together in their front hall.

There were no words to say.

I knew better than to come with encouragement.

I wasn't there to try and cheer them up.

Or distract them from the pain.

I was there to hurt with them.

******

Thank you again to Charlie Walton, and to Jayne Raines Newton who shared this speech with me, both of The Atlanta Compassionate Friends.

Stay tuned next week for Point Three of Charlie's speech!

Thursday's Therapy - Tears: You're Stuck With This Pain

Thursday's Therapy

Tears: "You're Stuck With This Pain"

from

A TCF Speech – 8 Things I’ve Learned About the Grief of a Grieving Parent

Part One of Eight

Jayne Raines Newton of The Atlanta Compassionate Friends mailed me this wonderfully therapeutic speech this week, and I'd like to pass it along to you!

Jayne’s words:

Charlie Walton and his wife Kay joined us in Marietta last night to hear Alan Pedersen perform. Charlie is near and dear to me. He was the first person who introduced me to TCF in Nov 1996..two months after my son had died. Thank you Charlie for all you do for bereaved parents.

******

Sunday, July 6, 2003 - TCF National Conference

Conference Closing Speech by Charlie Walton

Charlie’s words:

Thank you for the kind introduction... and for the invitation to speak to this audience of "reluctant heroes." I clearly remember sitting where you are sitting, watching some poor guy step to a microphone like this, and mentally daring him to try and say anything that would make a difference for me.

One of the real downsides of writing a few books about anything is that people get the idea that you know the answers. But the most important thing I have learned in these years of talking with people in grief is that

The world's leading expert on your grief...is sitting right there in your chair.

Human grief has no easy answers.

I named my first book When There Are No Words... because that is exactly the situation when your child dies. There are no words that help.

The pain comes to stay and. no matter how much people want to kiss it and make it well, grief runs on its own timetable.

Your kid... was like no other. Your grief... is like no other. And the gradual easing of your pain is not going to happen by anybody else's formula.

Maybe the most liberating thing that first book did was to give its readers permission to grieve in their own time and in their own ways.

SOME THINGS I'VE LEARNED:

I'd like to spend a little time with you this morning talking about a few things I have learned during the past seventeen years since two of our three sons died. These are personal observations based on, first, being a bereaved parent, and then drawing on a lot of conversations... and emails... and letters that have come as a result of my books.

Let me emphasize that

This list of "things I have learned"... did not "drop from heaven."

So, some of what I say may be the absolute opposite of what you have experienced. But. like your mama told you... "If you don't like it, just leave it on the plate."

1. YOU'RE STUCK WITH THIS PAIN.

The first thing I want to tell you is that...

You are stuck with this pain. You are going to hurt. real bad. for a long time.

And even though everybody around you is going to be wishing your pain away, you're gonna keep on hurting for a long time.

There will come a day when you will have longer periods between the pains but, at least in my experience, when the memories do come flooding back, even after seventeen years, they are going to hurt just as much as the first day you got the news.

But the surprising thing is, that's the way it ought to be. Just think about it. If I told you that I have the power to wave a magic wand and instantly remove the pain you are feeling, and if you really thought about it for a bit, I think you would say, "Well thanks, Charlie, but I guess maybe I better go ahead and hurt a little while longer."

Even though your first thought might be "I cannot stand this pain any longer!" your second and third thoughts would reveal to you that the unprecedented, unequalled pain that you are enduring is actually your tribute to what you have lost.

What would it say if you had a most precious person torn from your life, and you continued along in your life as if nothing had happened?

Pain is lousy, and it hurts, but the depth of your pain testifies to the depth of your love, and the significance of your loss.

You know, nothing gives me more pleasure in life than to hear that something I have written has helped somebody. I've tried to analyze why my book has helped. And beyond the basic fact that I have personally sat where my reader is sitting, there is also the fact that the book does not promise that everything is going to be all right. I didn't want anybody to tell me "What has happened to you is terrible, but it's gonna be alright!" I know now that that was true, but I didn't want to hear it then.

So, I tried to write a book that said, "What has happened to you is terrible" and stop at that, leaving the words about healing until much later when they might be more useful.

So, "thing one" that I have learned.

Enjoy the pain. Appreciate it. Savor it. It hurts, but it is the appropriate response to overwhelming loss.

Your tears are your tribute to one who has been taken from you.

******

Thank you to Charlie Walton, and to Jayne Raines Newton, both of The Atlanta Compassionate Friends.

TCF = The Compassionate Friends

Thursday’s Therapy - Help! I'm being bullied.

Thursday’s Therapy

Help! I’m being bullied.

When we are in the throes of grief and trauma, it is so easy for us to be victimized. We are raw; we are vulnerable. Our defenses have been ravaged. Our world has crashed. Our hearts are broken. Life as we knew it has ended. A precious one, near and dear to our hearts has been taken.

We cannot “recover”; the loss was out of our control. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other—but much more slowly than ever before. We do not know who we are now. We are trying to find our way. Our spiritual foundation, upon which rests all of our life’s meaning, has been disheveled, contorted, messed with. The most sacred to us as parents—our child’s life—has been destroyed, decimated, demolished. Our perception of the most sacred to our spiritual soul—our God—has been tampered with at the very time we need His image to be most intact.

Enter, the bully. Always looking for a target—“who can I destroy today to feed the ravaging monster inside me so I can feel alive again, vital, superior, on top? And who is the easiest victim? The shot down, the weak, the fumbling, the confused, the grieving. Easy target. Easy conquest. Easy notch on my belt for the day.”

And, being pre-occupied with grief, distracted, almost paralyzed, we grieving parents often unwittingly step right into the trap set for us. After falling into the bully’s trap, it is time to regroup. It is time to reassess the people we have allowed into our vulnerable world. I have characterized our griever’s dilemma as,

“It’s like we grievers of child-loss are

walking around with no skin on,

yet what is exposed is deeper than that—

it’s our raw heart.”

We must protect our hearts from toxicity and from toxic people to avoid further complications!

Some recommended books for dealing with bullies and protecting our vulnerable world by maintaining healthy boundaries, only allowing "safe" people in, are:

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1996).

Who’s Pushing Your Buttons: Handling the Difficult People in Your Life by John Townsend. Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1991.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier. Harper, 1998.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. Bantam, 2002.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. Adams Media, 2003.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Berkley Trade, 2003.

Picture: http://bit.ly/giMNM