Wednesday's Woe - "Hair-Trigger Grievers" ~by Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

"Hair-Trigger Grievers"

~by Tommy Prince

Hair-Trigger...

Wiktionary:

"hair-trigger" - a trigger that will set off a firearm when even a small pressure is applied

Free Dictionary:

"hair-trigger" - responding to the slightest provocation or stimulation; a hair-trigger temper; a hair-trigger reaction

Farlex Trivia Dictionary

"hair-trigger" - its underlying meaning is something that may be triggered with the pressure of something as slight as a hair.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"hair-trigger" - immediately responsive to the slightest stimulus

*****

On Facebook today, Angie had thanked a friend for praying for her recently because she finds herself "seemingly stuck in a swamp of PTSD." A grieving-mother friend read the comment and asked Angie what her symptoms of PTSD are. Today, I will give you real-life examples of one of Angie's PTSD symptoms. (And, I must admit, I have these exact same symptoms too.)

Over the past 5 1/2 years, we often found ourselves in a place in our grief where we did not even have the energy to deal with certain modern-day demands, so many of of them were simply left undone. What we were too depressed and despondent to even deal with in those years, seems now to simply have traded symptoms as we are now trying to "re-enter" life to some degree, attempting now to tackle these potentially-overwhelming situations. Instead of being depressed and despondent, now it seems we are disorganized, agitated, hyper-vigilant, and hyper-startled in a "hair-trigger" kind of attempt at functioning...

Through no fault of our own, we had last-minute tax hurdles thrown our way that over-complicated our already-complicated-tax-situation that had to be completed in just a few days. And not only for us, but also for our two sons, so Angie had to figure the numbers out for all of us on some overly complex tax forms (she had to figure out first) which we had never even known existed until this year. By the time she was done with all of it and had it wrapped up in envelopes for me to rush to the Post Office, I know she must have invented several new expletives for her already teeming vocabulary of choice words. Funny, she never even cussed until she had lived with me for a few years...

Then I get a harassing phone call, well, it was expected, but it sure felt harassing... Repairs have been going on for almost a year now on one of our recreation-type vehicles. The call came from this repairman who proceeds to tell me he has gone way over-budget to complete all the tasks required (along with quite a few he decided-on-his-own to add), with no fair-warning ever made to us over these weeks and months to advise us of the situation before he decided to go full-speed ahead in spending our money. Our bill is now almost double of the estimate, which was an amount we already thought we could barely afford. Well you can imagine, when I got off the phone and delivered this information to Angie, she hit the roof!

And speaking of the roof... Then I get a call from the roof repairman who starts demanding the final payment that our mortgage company was supposed to release to us but wouldn't. The mortgage company's idea of releasing a claims check to our roofer for kindly repairing our hail-damaged roof 8 months ago was to send Angie and me 23 pages of uncomprehendable legal mumbo jumbo full of hoops they want Angie and me to jump through first before they will pay our roofer when we (nor our roofer) have done anything wrong. But to the roof repairman, I did want to say, How were we to know our mortgage company would throw a hissy fit before releasing their final check which by law they have to release???!!!

Even our own income has been tripped up by complications that are way outside our control, but we are having to do twice the "leg-work" to be sure the appropriate persons within the overly complex payor-system get the magnitude of hand-written duplicate documents sent to them so that they can correct their system with our documents before we can get our checks. And this conundrum has been drawn out over the past five months now....

And last but not least, Angie has not even had the courage to open the certified-mail-package she received a few days ago from certain of her family members because her grieving-mother's heart is afraid she will be re-traumatized by their potentially-toxic ways of handling some very sensitive matters...

Ahhh, such is life-in-the-fast-lane for these "hair-trigger, barely-functioning child-loss grievers"...

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Thursday's Therapy - The Importance of Recognizing the TRAUMA in Our Child-Loss Grief

Thursday's Therapy

The Importance of Recognizing the

TRAUMA

in Our Child-Loss Grief

A friend and fellow child-loss grieving mother directed me to this website this week to assess what another psychological practitioner had to say about PTSD and trauma. This practitioner's perspective toward trauma was invaluable. In her article, Barbara Steffens, PhD, LPCC, CCSAS was specifically addressing the trauma that a spouse experiences whose partner struggles with sexual addiction, but I immediately saw parallels to what we as child-loss grievers experience in our own grief and child-loss trauma. So I have revised the wording to assess the similar dilemma of us child-loss grievers in walking through the devastating trauma of losing our child in death. My revisions of Dr. Steffens' words with my own words are in parentheses. Highlights are also mine. Dr. Steffens' full article is listed at the bottom of the post.

...(A child-loss griever should be treated as)...someone who has encountered a threatening and traumatic life event that results in emotional and behavioral responses common to those who have survived traumatic events.

(A) trauma survivor (will make) attempts to re-establish safety following experiencing something that was very unsafe or life threatening.

A traumatized person will go to great lengths to attempt to find safety and security again...

(These reactions simply mean the grievers have been traumatized and are trying to regain enough of a safety-net of reduced toxicity so that they are safe enough to begin to heal. Grievers may need to set boundaries, for instance, with "toxic" people, but this does not mean the griever is trying to "control" people; s/he is merely trying to create a safe environment for healing to take place, for

Child-Loss Grievers) often feel as if their lives have been turned upside down and shattered.

What does PTSD feel like?

...Most (people) with trauma symptoms feel as if they are going “crazy”- like they’re on a roller coaster that has no end.

(Child-Loss Grievers may have symptoms) much like those who have experienced other life-altering or threatening events, such as accidents, assault, disaster, abuse, or even combat. Those with post traumatic stress experience helplessness and horror as an immediate response to the traumatic event. The resulting symptoms fall into three major categories:

• First, they have intrusive thoughts/remembrances of the event. This can take the form of flashbacks, recurring dreams, intense reactions to reminders or “triggers” that may symbolize something about the trauma or feeling as if the traumatic event is happening currently.

• Second, they attempt to avoid memories or reminders of the traumatic event. They may go out of their way to avoid places or people associated with the trauma, avoid talking about the event, or even forget some details of the event(s).

• Third, they experience increased arousal. That means they are highly anxious, startle easily, are troubled with nightmares, etc. They are on high alert, hyper vigilant and aware of potential “threats.” They can become highly irritable and have extreme anger.

All of these symptoms are in response to the trauma. For a PTSD diagnosis, these symptoms must be in place for a month or more. For some trauma survivors, the symptoms come on later, while for others they start immediately after the disclosure (of the trauma)....

(Most people relating to you as a griever) miss the trauma. They acknowledge the pain and devastation but jump immediately to identifying the behaviors and emotions (you have as a griever) as signs of (poor grief resolution) rather than those symptoms that are typical in those who have had horrible things happen to them.

While (folks may acknowledge you will never completely get over your child-loss grief this side of Heaven, they may still give) a double message that somehow due to your own dysfunction, there is something you did or something about you that led to (your "unresolved grief" dilemma). (Grievers) often feel confused.

They say,

“If I didn’t cause it and can’t cure it, then why am I told I am 'sick' just because I am (not 'cured' or fully 'resolved' in my grief)?"

(Misunderstanding the true nature of traumatic and or complicated grief, and calling a child-loss griever "sick" or "stuck in his/her grief) is not unlike blaming a rape victim for her assault or a battered woman for her beating.

It is blaming the victim, rather than looking for ways to support someone who has experienced the unthinkable.

(T)he issue of empowerment (is also an important one). The first step in recovery is to admit powerlessness…. (Grievers) cannot control (the fact that they have been thrown into severe grief). And this is absolutely true!

However, (grievers) are not powerless to act on their own behalf to protect themselves or to have a say in their environment. Trauma survivors need to exercise choice to help to regain a sense of safety to fight the helplessness and fear.

Stability for the trauma survivor involves making decisions, taking action, and finding some level of safety again.

Why do you believe it is important for (grievers) to see their reactions as stemming from trauma versus (being "stuck in prolonged grief" as it it were a dysfunction the grievers have brought upon themselves)?

As I’ve stated earlier, the trauma model of treatment seeks to understand and treat (one's) symptoms as predictable responses to a painful and threatening life event.

It is something that happened and then something from which s/he can (begin to) recover and (begin to) heal.

A trauma perspective validates the extreme devastation experienced by most (child-loss grievers). A trauma model makes sense of the kinds of debilitating symptoms that (grievers) experience and opens up appropriate treatment options for these symptoms.

Unfortunately, many (grievers) have not sought treatment or help (for the trauma aspects of their grief) due to the (potentiality of the complicated griever) feeling blamed for their situation, (or simply that their child-loss grief will not be understood).

I hope that by recognizing the effects of trauma, (grievers) will be more open to seeking out the support and help they need and deserve. Untreated trauma can lead to increased vulnerability to mental health problems including addiction and depression.

******

Please let me know what you think of this article and how it relates to you. The more I hear from you, the better my blog will be as I believe I then can better address (or find others who can address) the issues of grief with which you are most concerned.

You can comment via the "comment" button below, or tweet me (or privately direct message me) on Twitter, or comment (or privately send me a message) on Facebook, or write me an email to MotherGrieving @ gmail.com ~Just remove the spaces in the email address... (This is to disguise my address from the internet scam-artist robots!) Just look in the left column of my blog to find the links to Facebook or Twitter...you will need to join to comment there, but don't worry, it is absolutely free! :)

However you comment, feel free to stipulate if you want your comment to be kept private; otherwise, I may post parts (or all) of it later to share with other readers. Thank you so much!

And a special 'Thank you' goes out to Dr. Barbara Steffens for her keen insights into the trauma of Post-Traumatic Stress!

Picture: http://bit.ly/bFuKiN

Steffens' full article: http://bit.ly/9GvWRZ

Wednesday’s Woe - Nightmare - Stuck in Time

Wednesday’s Woe

Nightmare - Stuck in Time

What PTSD Looks Like...

I haven't been the same since I dreamed a couple of days ago - that I was with Merry Katherine in a swing - Merry Katherine was a toddler. But the swing was a type of child-like car. There were other toddlers in the room with us. They were in their own cars. I was driving Merry Katherine, and we were following her friends from room to room at a pretty fast speed. She said, "Can't we go faster?" and grabbed the control (like a Playstation-type conrol). She pushed the buttons, and we began to go really fast; it felt like flying to me, so I said, "No baby, we can't do this..." and then I awakened...

Once again, I felt out-of-control, like I had been pushed too far at her insistence and it was gonna be to her demise - I can 't seem to break out of this nightmare - She, helpless, and thinking like a child, I her mommy, the adult in the position supposed to help her, yet I was helpless to stop her... and it all led to her demise...

Much of my life seemed to be about handling that balance, allowing enough of a challenge for her, but not so much that it could put her in danger...yet she would always push the limits...and ultimately did so, to her sure demise...

Nightmare - Stuck in Time

My baby girl, so sweet to me,

19 years, had her with me.

Now, she has gone to Heaven...

But I? I'm stuck in a nightmare,

So my life's stuck in time...

Stuck in a nightmare

God, I can't get out -

My baby's in danger

I cant get her out...

When can I stop this Merry-go-round

That threw my poor baby down to the ground?

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

And now I can't throw a pillow down,

I can't break her fall down to the ground…

And with all the king's horses and with all the king's men

...We still can't put my baby back together again...

Jack and Jill ran up the hill to fetch a pail of water...

Jack fell down and broke his crown, and

Jill came tumbling after...

Stuck in a nursery rhyme

Stuck in time

My baby's not here with me

My life's stuck in time...

Stuck in a nightmare

God, I can't get out -

My baby's in danger

And I cant get her out...

Stuck in a nursery rhyme

When can I stop this Merry-go-round?

That threw my poor baby down to the ground?

My baby fell down and broke her crown,

And now I can't throw a pillow down,

To break her fall down to the ground...

And I can't put her back together again...

And I can't bring her back home to me again...

So I'm stuck in an endless nursery rhyme

That ends in senseless tragedy...

(What were those nursery rhymes telling me

when I was only 2 or 3,

sitting upon my Mother's knee?)

Nursery rhymes warn of life's senseless tragedy?

Stuck in a nightmare

God, I can't get out -

My baby's in danger

I cant get her out...

When can I stop this Merry-go-round

That threw my poor baby down to the ground?

I can't stop her fall.

I can't break her fall.

I can't stop this senseless tragedy,

But this was my baby who sat on my knee...

And now my baby's not here with me,

But my body's on alert, cannot forget.

Stuck in a panic, stuck in a sweat...

My baby's in danger

I must get her out...

Stuck in a senseless nursery rhyme,

So my life's stuck in time...

Stuck in a nightmare

God, I can't get out -

My baby's in danger

I cant get her out...

When can I stop this Merry-go-round

That threw my poor baby girl down to the ground?

Now, she has gone to Heaven,

But I?

I'm stuck in a nightmare,

So my life's stuck in time...

{How can so much of God's truth

be stuck in a nursery rhyme?}

Stuck in a nursery rhyme

Stuck in time

My baby's not here with me

My life's stuck in time...

Now, she has gone to Heaven,

But I?

I'm stuck in a nightmare,

So my life's stuck in time...

Picture: Eye with Clock Implanted - http://twitpic.com/15rf8v

http://www.fotosearch.com/photos-images/merry-go-round.html

Poem - Nightmare- Stuck in Time - Angie Bennett Prince - 3/9/10