Friday's Faith - Getting Part of My Life Back ~Tommy Prince

Friday's Faith

Getting Part of My Life Back

~Tommy Prince

In this journey we're on, we won't always be like we are. It was a very big deal I was able to go back to the barbershop and not get triggered. There was a time I did not want to go around the familiar, people who knew me and knew what I was dealing with. It was too painful. I would get triggered.

The barbershop I had gone to for years knew me well. They knew Merry Katherine. She would go with her daddy and her brothers when we would go get a hair cut. The barbers all knew her. When she was four years old, she had spilled a grape soda in there, and Daddy had to clean it up. They knew her. I couldn't handle their questions regarding how I was doing; it would have been too painful.

So, I went to other places for haircuts, places where no one knew me. But at some point, that scenario too hit its "critical mass" until I could no longer handle it either. When people DON'T know you, what's the first thing they ask... Yes,

"How many children do you have....?"

I got tired of telling each new barber or beautician my "story."

So this week, it was finally time. I could return to my old barber shop. They knew me. They know what happened to me. They still cut my married son's hair, so they've kept up with me through him. It was familiar. It was comfortable. And they respect my privacy. Meanwhile, they have had some bad things happen to them too. Life happens. And so we all just accept one another where we are and share fun stories.

It is a good sign. In some places in our lives, perhaps we really can get a part of our lives back, and we can go back to some old habits. It at least offers a little bit of hope this week.

Faith...one step at a time, one moment at a time.

Pictures, thanks to FotoSearch.com

Wednesday's Woe - To Thine Own Self... Be Cruel...?!

Wednesday's Woe

To Thine Own Self...Be Cruel...?!

...From Dreams to the Living Nightmare

~by Tommy Prince

Is anybody besides me having dreams abut your child? Last night, I did. What a conundrum it throws me into~it's such a joy to see her and to realize (in my dream of course) that

"IT'S ALL BEEN A BIG MISTAKE!

She did NOT get killed."

And so, I tell my child in my dream,

"Everyone thinks you are dead. We've got to get word out to your friends' houses--You didn't die! You are here!"

It seems my subconscious mind in my dreams is being mean to me. What a setup for disaster because at some point, I have to wake up, and then I'm thrown all the way back to square one:

I have to realize all over again, that

My child WAS killed.

She is NOT here.

She will NOT be coming back.

She IS gone...

When I have these dreams, I am no good for days after...

Whoever talks about "controlling" your grief is, Number One, Nuts anyway. But Number Two,

"Oh yeah, what about when your own dreams betray you? What then? What's your easy answer, your 'magic solution' for that?"

What a pounding! And what a trap -- to find that it's my OWN MIND terrorizing me!

Having a dream of my baby girl being here, alive-and-well, just feels like I've been hit with an Emotional Sledgehammer.

Is anybody else having dreams abut your child?

If so, how does it typically impact you?

images:

http://media.photobucket.com/image/sledgehammer/NaMoi-aKoMoi/Sledgehammer-1.jpg?o=46

http://www.fotosearch.com/photos-images/sledgehammer.html

Friday's Faith - Father's Day or Torture Day??? ~by Tommy Prince

Friday's Faith

Father's Day...

or

Torture Day???

~by Tommy Prince

Why do we have Father's Day?

Evidently, the origin of it was that we were shamed into it...how can we have a Mother's Day without having a Father's Day...

"The first observance of Father's Day is believed to have been held on June 19, 1910 through the efforts of Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington. After listening to a church sermon at Spokane's Central Methodist Episcopal Church in 1909 about the newly recognized Mother's Day, Dodd felt strongly that fatherhood needed recognition, as well.

"It took many years to make the holiday official. In spite of support from the YWCA, the YMCA, and churches, Father's Day ran the risk of disappearing from the calendar. Where Mother's Day was met with enthusiasm, Father's Day was often met with laughter. The holiday was gathering attention slowly, but for the wrong reasons. It was the target of much satire, parody and derision, including jokes from the local newspaper Spokesman-Review. Many people saw it as the first step in filling the calendar with mindless promotions.

"A bill to accord national recognition of the holiday was introduced in Congress in 1913. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson went to Spokane to speak in a Father's Day celebration and wanted to make it official, but Congress resisted, fearing that it would become commercialized..."

~Wikipedia

******

Fathers Day. Four years into my grief, it is still too dangerous to set aside a day like that. Just look at birthdays and Christmas (usually wonderful family events) - Now it is

"Look at what you DON'T have!"

overwhelms me to the point that I cannot focus on

"Look at what you DO have!"

Father's Day, or Torture Day? For me right now, this early into my grief, it feels more like Torture Day, or

"Look at What You CAN'T Have" Day...

Intellectually, I can rationalize I am grateful for the two sons I have, which I certainly am!

But the emotional devastation wins out over any rational negotiations I can have with myself...EVERY TIME.

So, I'm tempted to do like we did for birthdays and Christmas over this past year... not even to have the holiday at all in order to minimize the turmoil. After all, this is a man-made holiday...politically correct: "If we're gonna recognize mothers, we've gotta recognize fathers."

But again, it's look what you don't have that overwhelms me -

Look who's NOT here.

There are also painful triggers of this particular time of the summer with her before she was taken in August that complicate this time of the year. An added reason not to celebrate... (see Angie's post on Monday of this week, "The Subconscious Remembers...").

So, like Bart Simpson says, I try and try to tell myself,

I will not ruin Father's Day.

I will not ruin Father's Day.

I will not ruin Father's Day...

but wait a minute, isn't this supposed to be Father's Day...can't the father say, "This is really what I need..." Only things with meaning. And the meaning of Father's Day for me is totally different from what it used to be...

As Dr. Lynda Boucugnani-Whitehead, (Psychologist and Grieving Mother) said in describing us Child-Loss Parents in our Grief (see yesterday's post),

"You are less afraid of change, you are less tolerant of ... doing things that don't have meaning for you anymore and you put your energy toward the things that are truly meaningful in this world."

For Father's Day, I would change that quote just a bit, to say

I am less tolerant of doing things that NOW don't have THE SAME meaning for me anymore...so I want our family to put our energy toward the things that are truly meaningful in this world...NOT what MAN says SHOULD BE meaningful!

Now, if I can just figure out what that is...

http://www.magickalgraphics.com/fathers-day-comments6.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father's_Day

Wednesday's Woe - Longing... to Do Something for Her...

Wednesday's Woe

Longing...to Do Something for Her...

by Tommy Prince

It's how my system is geared--so many of my waking hours were spent being preoccupied with

• "Has she got everything she needs today?"

• "Does her truck have gas?"

• "Do the tires have air in them?"

• "Does she have a lunch to take with her?"

Even when she was not here, I was thinking the same way... Preoccupied with

• "Does she have something to eat?"

• "Is she safe?"

• "Will she come in tonight?"

• "Is she home yet?"

• "What needs to be done for her today?" (I would ask this for any of my kids, but she is 'Daddy's girl'!)

That radar is in there. The longing for her is still there. And there is still a a longing to do something for her.

Her absence has not diminished my longing to do something for her... (Tears coming...) Till when one day it hit me:

The only thing left to do for her is to be sure her grave marker is kept clean. That's all I can do.

"That's all I can do for you baby girl. It's the only thing left for me to do."

See That My Grave Is Kept Clean

B. B. King

Well, there's one kind favor I'll ask of you
One kind favor I'll ask of you
Oh, there's one kind favor I'll ask of you
See that my grave is kept clean

There's two white horses in a line
Two white horses in a line
Two white horses in a line
Gonna take me to my burying ground

Well, my heart stopped beating
My hands are cold
Well, my heart stopped beating
And my hands are cold
Well, my heart stopped beating
And my hands are cold
I believe just what the Bible told

Did you ever hear a coffin sound?
Did you ever hear a coffin sound?
Did you ever hear a coffin sound?
Then you know that the poor boy's in the ground

Dig my grave with a silver spade
Well, you dig my grave with a silver spade
Dig my grave with a silver spade
Let me down with a golden chain

Have you ever heard the church bell tone?
Did you ever hear a church bell tone?
Did you ever hear a church bell tone?
Then you know that the poor boy's dead and gone

I feel so good

One kind favor I'll ask of you
One kind favor I'll ask of you
It's one kind favor I'll ask of you
Please see that my grave is kept clean

http://www.songlyrics.com/b-b-king/see-that-my-grave-is-kept-clean-lyrics/

Wednesday's Woe - My Love Eclipses the Sun ~ A Father Writes About a Child-Loss Parent's Grief, by John French

Wednesday's Woe

My Love Eclipses the Sun

~

A Father Writes About a Child-Loss Parent's Grief

by John French

Child-loss: I can only describe it as black hole of sorrow in which every emotion is compressed and compounded in the vacuum of grief. It is an inescapable vortex that drags me down and wears me thin.

I don’t think anyone would dispute that our children are the center of our emotional cosmos. My world certainly revolved around my son. When that hope is extinguished, you live in perpetual oblivion where nothing sparks your interest or distracts you from your pain.

In some strange way, it’s disheartening to see that the world is persevering, and that the heavens are unchanged. It’s so contrary to what we are going through.

Even if the stellar array were suddenly extinguished, it would not compare to what we have already experienced. In fact, it might give us some comfort. Because, only something of that magnitude could begin to convey to others the horror and isolation that we are enduring on a daily basis.

But, despite the fact that I am overwhelmed by the bleakness of my own encroaching future, I am compelled to make an attempt to turn the darkness into something we can all reflect on.

The lack of physical interaction does not detract from the effect that our children have on our lives. In fact, it enhances them greatly.

Clearly, love is still the most powerful force in the universe. It transcends death and grows exponentially with each passing moment.

The tears of loss refract the full spectrum of bliss, through which we can envision all that should have been. One day, we will look beyond the darkness and see that only such an intense source of joy could have brought such pain to light.

My love eclipses the sun in both mass and intensity.

It is not diminished in the evening,

nor does it rise at dawn.

It is infinitely brilliant and all encompassing.

It is so boundless that it defies the limits of comprehension and exceeds all expectations.

It so great that it envelops my every thought,

and surpasses means of measure.

Somehow, it overwhelms the void that your absence produces, and diminishes the relevance of time.

It propels me through my bleakest moments,

and sets my mind adrift.

Even now, when my hope is exhausted

and my longing is unfathomable,

your effect on my life is undeniable and astounding,

awe inspiring and incredibly influential.

You are the light of my life, I will forever delight in calling you my son.

(A tribute to Brandon French 5/24/92-8/16/09)

Thank you to John French for his very poignant writing and for sharing it with us. For more of his writing, click the website address at the bottom of this post.

http://opentohope.com/dealing-with-grief/men-and-grief/facing-the-first-weeks-after-the-death-of-a-son/