Thursday's Therapy - 8 Ideas for Healing to Start in Your Child-Loss Grief

Thursday's Therapy

8 Ideas for Healing 
to Start 
in Your Child-Loss Grief


with


~Thomas M. Ellis

Remember, suffering alone does not teach. Time does not heal all wounds. For healing to begin, intentional grief work is necessary. Developing tools and skills to help you accommodate to your changed world is necessary. So what helps you to begin this healing process? 

Here are a few ideas:

• Companions for the journey. Are you spending enough time with others who truly care about you and who validate your personal grief process? Clergy, friends who "get it," family members who "get it," a grief group, or a grief therapist may be on your list. Do you feel cared for, understood, and validated in your experience?

• Time for your grief. How much time do you spend each day acknowledging and taking care of yourself? Grief demands your attention. You have not failed and you aren't "going crazy"--you are grieving, which takes time. 

• Permission for expression. Is it okay for you to feel a mix of emotions? Discover different ways to externalize your thoughts and feelings of grief. Talking, crying, and laughing are okay. Loss is the problem, not you.

• Becoming an expert. Are you curious about this life experience? Pay attention to what grief feels like, how it ebbs and flows, and what helps it to diminish. Gathering information about your loss can reduce anxiety.

• Naming what is lost and what is not. Have you focused both on what you have lost and on what you have left? Clarifying your multiple losses and recognizing both what is left and what may come can lead to hope.

• Be kind to yourself. Are you paying attention to yourself? Realize that you can't do this alone. Do what you can and not what others think or say you should do. Promote a sense of calm and healing. It's okay to take a break from your grief.

• Embracing imperfection. Realize that you don't have all the answers. You will continue to make good and bad choices. When it feels as if you can't make any more decisions, don't.

• Creating places of sanctuary. Where do you feel safe and free to be real with your grief? Peaceful environments in and out of your home allow you to fulfill your need for peace, quiet, and escape. Find the place that nourish you--you may have some favorites already.

Remember that you won't simply "get over" your grief. Rather, it sits on your shoulder. But if you periodically turn your head and look at it straight on, the honest acknowledgment of your pain will bring relief. Grief is hard work, and it will take as long as it takes. Being still and present in times of despair is a healing approach to this work. Grieving can become a sacred and creative time for you to discover who you are and how you choose to transform your life. Many have discovered that they can hold on to two opposing ideas--grief and hope--at the same time. You can, too.

~Thomas M. Ellis (2006)

This Thing Called Grief: New Understandings of Loss

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Wednesday's Woe - No Hits, No Errors, but a Whole Lot of Hurt… ~Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

No Hits, No Errors, but a Whole Lot of Hurt…

~Tommy Prince

I was making a WalMart run. Usually I don't like to see anyone I know when I run errands, but especially this particular day because I was shopping for diapers… not for our granddaughter, but for myself…! Yeah, that's what comes with recovering from prostate surgery!

So, what happened was… in the store, I briefly encounter this guy, recognizing him as a guy that I knew from high school (Yeah, I'm living in the same city that I grew up in), and his son played sports with one of our sons as they were growing up, only his son pursued a professional career in athletics and was called up to the major leagues this summer to play catcher for a professional baseball team. I saw this acquaintance briefly and then he was gone; I began remembering some things about him.

I finished shopping and was leaving the store. As I was approaching my car, I spotted him coming to his vehicle that was parked fairly close to mine. I went over to talk to him. I told him ~ "I've only watched two baseball games this year, yet your son played in both of them, and he was even featured in ESPN Sports Center because of the outstanding plays he made as a catcher!"

As we were talking along and catching up with each other, his question comes back to me, "So what all's been going on with you?" and I haven't seen him in over ten years….

Chronologically, my dad has just died, and I've had a radical prostatectomy in the last few weeks, but I find what comes out of my mouth was,

"Our 19-year-old daughter was killed five years ago!"

It overrode everything, and I heard myself saying how horrible it has been for us. Fortunately he was very kind and told me how sorry he was, and that (the death of a child) sounded AWFUL, and that he can't imagine how bad that is.

We talked about whether or not we go to class reunions, and I heard myself say,

"I don't go very often because this is what would happen -- I would say my daughter got killed, and there's nothing like that for a conversation stopper."

We continued to talk along and ended up on an upbeat note.

So, I walk away from the conversation, glad that it went okay, but feeling so vulnerable. Telling about Merry Katherine's death in a spontaneous encounter like that, and for it to be his first time in hearing the news, effectually exposed my deep woundedess.

This encounter happened on Thursday, but it affected me all weekend. I was depressed all weekend. It's like at some level, I think I have my grief over her death at a "manageable" or at least tolerable level, yet such an encounter tends to blow it wide open.

I was surprised at how I was so powerfully impacted by all (that conversation) in such a negative way. It's like I let the wound out, and it was not going away. And to think, this was actually a positive encounter with a caring dad that, at some level anyway, could "get it."

An innocent conversation with an old acquaintance opens up the woundedness, and it takes three days to get it back to a manageable level. Just a brief encounter, yet I'm down for the count for at least 3 days… And who are those people who think we can somehow be "over" our deep loss? It couldn't get much better than what happened in this impromptu meet-up, yet my heart was sent back to square one…

Picture, thanks to The Compassionate Friends, USA

Monday's Mourning Ministry - I'm With You ~Nichole Noordeman and Amy Grant

Monday's Mourning Ministry

I'm With You

~Nichole Noordeman and Amy Grant

I’m With You

~Nichole Nordeman & Amy Grant

Love is a hurricane in a blue sky
I didn’t see it coming, never knew why
All the laughter and the dreams
All the memories in between
Washed away in a steady stream

Love is a hunger; a famine in your soul
I thought I planted beauty, but it would never grow.
Now I’m on my hands and knees
trying to gather up my dreams
trying to hold on to anything

And we could shake a fist in times like this
When we don’t understand
Or we could just hold hands

You and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you, with you

You do your best to build a higher wall
To keep love safe from any wrecking ball
When the dust has cleared, we will
See the house that Love rebuilds
Guarding beauty that lives here still

It’s you and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you.
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you.

Who can say I’m left with nothing
When I have all of you, all of you, yeah?
In the way you’ve always loved me,
I remember: He does too!

It's you and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you.
Until your heart, finds a home,
I won’t let you feel alone;
I’m with you, I’m with you.
(We’re gonna make it through)

You and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you.
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you,

With you.

Picture: thanks to Photobucket.com

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K7WPPLNX

Saturday's Sayings - Companionship in Grief

Saturday's Sayings

Companionship in Grief

What I Have Learned

I`ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I`ve learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.

I`ve learned that friends may become strangers, and strangers become friends.

I`ve learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for lack of compassion.

I`ve learned that some people will never, ever, "get it".

I`ve learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.

I`ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I`ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.

I`ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you ever see them.

I`ve learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.

~by Paul Bell

~Thank you, Pearl, for sharing this!

*****

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.

~Charles Dickens Great Expectations

*****

God is closest to those with broken hearts.

~Jewish Saying

*****

Walk With Me

Walk with me…

Walk in my shoes

for one single day.

Then you’ll see why

I need to pray.

Come live in my home

for a week or two

and then remember

I am just like you.

I didn’t ask for the things I was given

I didn’t choose this road I have taken

Walk a mile with me hand in hand

Then perhaps you will understand.

I’m not really complaining

about the stress in my life,

I know that we all have

some toil and some strife.

But walk with me, when you think

I am wrong, walk with me

and you’ll start to belong.

Embrace my sorrows,

like they are your own,

And then you will know me

And see I have grown.

The journey I take

is different from yours

My life took one of those

unexpected detours,

But this road that I travel

is not really so long,

If the people who watch me

will join in my song.

Listen to my footsteps

and watch how I dance

And then you will know me

and give me a chance.

Take heart and remember

It can happen to you,

who knows where my pathway

will cross over to you?

So speak to me softly

if you can’t understand

Remember I once stood

right there where you stand.

And walk with me gently

when the day is at end.

And then I will know

I can call you my friend.

~Author Unknown

Thank you, Grieving Mothers!