Saturday's Sayings - Yes, I'm Still Grieving...

Saturday's Sayings

Yes, I'm Still Grieving...

How to help those who are grieving, whether it was months ago, a year ago or years ago.

Grief has no clear beginning or end. It is a journey that will ebb and flow for the rest of our lives. We never get over the death of someone we love. We somehow find a way to live with it. It is important to let the bereaved know that they are allowed to grieve for as long as needed. Till that time comes. Where they are able to remember the one that has died, without feeling pain.

“Sympathy is two hearts tugging at one load.”

TRY NOT TO…

Just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve there is no right or wrong way to support. There are however some things which should be avoided in saying, as these can be hurtful and minimize their loss.

Try not to say you know how they feel. No two griefs will be the same and each grief is as unique as the relationship they shared with the person they have lost.

Don’t tell them they have to be strong. It is in the depths of grief that we are at our most vulnerable.

Don’t tell them they need to get on with life. Life as they knew it is not the same and they will need to learn how to live their life without the person who has died. This takes time.

Don’t say they had a good life, they are at peace now or you are lucky to have had them for so long. No one feels lucky to lose someone they love.

Don’t say it is God's way, the natural order of things or nature’s way. Logical explanations are cold comfort when you are grieving.

It is not comforting to remind the bereaved that at least they had a chance to say goodbye to the deceased. We never want to say goodbye to those we love.

Be mindful when telling the bereaved they are coping well. They may appear to be coping but it does not mean they have stopped hurting and are done grieving.

Do not compare their grief to others or make suggestions that someone else’s loss was greater. This will only make the bereaved feel their loss is not a significant one and that they do not have the right to grieve.

Don’t tell them they are grieving the wrong way or make suggestions about how they should be dealing with their grief.

Just be there, with a hug, a comforting hand or an open ear. Invite them over often even if they say no. Invite them on special occasions where their loss is so completely overwhelming. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, etc.

“Sometimes there are no perfect words. Only thoughtful silences that whisper softly of caring.”

Pass this along to someone who is grieving, or to guide someone whose friend/family member is grieving. Remember the stronger the relationship, the harder the grief is. If there are multiple losses in a short period of time, the more painful the grief. Most importantly don’t expect them to “be the same” as they were before the loss, they will never be the same. 

~ Donna Weber

~via Death of a Loved One: Quotes, Poems, and Resources

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~~~~~

Since my Grief journey, I have noticed...

The ones who know the least have the most to say!

~~~~~

~~~~~

He Gathers Every Teardrop

Regardless of the circumstance,

Regardless of the (fear),

Regardless of the pain we bear,

Regardless of the tear,

Our God is ever in control,

Performing as He should,

And He has promised in His Word

To work things for our good.

But as a loving Father would,

He sometimes lets us cry

To cleanse the hurt out of our heart,

To wash it from our eye.

Yet gently He gathers the tears

Within His hands to stay

Until He turns them into pearls

And gives them back someday.

~Glenda Fulton Davis

~via Angels on Loan

~~~~~

Feathers for Muma

Hello baby, can you hear me?

I so want to talk to you,

I'm walking under my favourite tree,

Baby, give me a sign, if you do.

A little white feather just floated by,

It must be a sign from you,

Oh baby, I think I'm going to cry,

Baby boy, you heard me, it's true.

I'm holding my feather, my sweet,

My baby, my treasure, my own,

To know you hear me, is a treat,

It stops me from feeling alone.

I walk in my place full of peace,

I can talk to you now in my head,

It gives me such a release,

To deal with the fact you are dead.

Dead, such a hard word to say,

Asleep is a much nicer word,

I think of you now in this way,

No better word, have I heard.

My folks say, "Why are you crying?"

"It happened two months ago now."

Well folks, I'm so sorry, I'm trying,

But my heart is broken, and how.

So baby, under these trees I walk,

Here no-one can hear my pain,

And baby I am free just to talk,

And feel close to you again.

I treasure the feathers you send me,

Plucked from your wings, so far above,

And drifting right down through the trees,

To remind me, of your sweet love.

I guess, I should go home soon,

My heart is now full of peace,

Tonight when I look at the moon,

I'll smile, blow a kiss, feel released.

My pain, I know it will fade one day,

And I'll be able to laugh once more,

And that feather, in my jewel box will stay,

To hold when my heart's feeling sore.

I thank God above, that He gave me,

A child for a while, just to hold,

And know that one day I will be,

Walking with you on streets of gold.

~via Angels on Loan

~~~~~

~via Angels on Loan

~~~~~

The Mention Of My Child's Name


The mention of my child's name

... may bring tears to my eyes,

but it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend,

let me hear the beautiful music of her name.

It soothes my broken heart

And sings to my soul.

~Author Unknown

~thanks to Grieving Mother, Leslie Nelson Martin

~~~~~

Letter to Heaven

I write to you, in heaven
I'm not sure where I should start
The tear stained words I send to you
are from my broken heart

You taught the world true kindness
and you were always there for me
you taught the world happiness
and that laughter was the key

My letter is far too short
I'm struggling, thats the truth
the world it seems so painful
and empty without you

I call upon your loved ones
and each person signs their name
for these many tearful people
the world won't feel the same

We seal the letter with a kiss
and send it on its way
then out of the blue, We hear your voice
here are the words you want to say

(PAUSE FOR A SECOND)

My loved ones, I have heard you
before your pen began to write
my soul is with you every day
and through the dark of night

Although I am in heaven
It doesn't mean that I am gone
Take a look around and see
my spirit still lives on

When the stars shine at night
my heart is what you see
and when you dream, gentle dreams
your heart is here with me

Don't worry if your heart feels hurt
with my help, the pain will ease
don't worry if you need to cry
i'll help to dry your tears

Please celebrate the life we shared
to your memories, I belong
and talk about the good times
it makes my soul burn strong

If for now you don't believe
I'll still keep you safe from harm
until the day we meet again
and I take you in my arms

Rachel Loveday April 2010

Pictures, quotes, and poems, thanks to "Treasured Sisters," "Angels on Loan," "Grieving Mothers," and "Death of a Loved One."
Thank you to all grieving parents' for your contributions, as your writings help to comfort our grief!

Saturday's Sayings - Looking Up Amidst Grief

"You look in front of you and there is drama;

You look behind you there's (chaos);

You look to your right and there's anger;

You look to your left there's pain;

Which way do you look?

You look UP;

You look up drawing faith and courage to soar above it all."

~Grieving Mothers

Saturday's Sayings

Looking Up Amidst Grief

Be cautious of the word (and concept) of 'closure'. While there are levels of healing, I do not believe that full closure is possible. We are always connected to our loved ones in obvious and mysterious ways. Closure is not for the human heart . . . it is for business transactions! Learning to live with loss means staying connected to your loved one even as you begin to move forward into a new chapter of living and loving.

~from Wall photos of the late Debra Tuohy, grieving mother

*****

A Memory Hug

Your loss has left a hold in our heart

That hole never goes away...

We learn to live with it

With acceptance of the loss

and changes in our lives, the pain lessens.

Eventually memories fill up the space,

BUT IT NEVER GOES AWAY.

Then, when you least expect,

a memory spills out of the hole in your heart

and washes your (heart) clean again with tears.

Think of it as a

"MEMORY HUG"

~by grieving mother, Lois Baker

*****

‎12 long years and I long to see your face
to hold you in my arms again to feel your sweet embrace.
Not a day passes that you (aren't) on my mind, and in my heart
12 long years and I still grieve for you sweetheart.

~by grieving mother, Sheila Simmons regarding her son Steven

*****

You are forever changed after a major loss. You cannot expect to be the same person any longer. If people ask when you'll be your 'old self' again, you need to let them know that a new self is emerging. You might not know yet who that new self is, but you will gradually live into the answer. Know that even as you're changed by loss, you have also been changed by a profound love that lives within you still.

~GrievingMothers

******

So You Want to Understand?

You say to me, "It's been a year,

When will your grieving end?

Why can't you be like once you were,

my smiling and happy friend?"

If you really want an answer,

though I wonder if you do,

I'll take you deep inside me

where sadness dims the view.

First, my friend, for your sake,

come close and take my hand,

and we will pray that what I share,

you won't ever have to understand.

The "me" you once knew is no more,

it died right with my child,

a voice was stilled forever,

yet the echo drives me wild.

You say you lost Aunt Bertha,

so you have known death too,

Aunt Bertha, however, was not your child,

and she was 80, not 22.

I barely survived those first few months,

coping was a dreadful task,

I'd tell you I was doing fine

while sobbing behind my mask.

If I talked about my precious child

you turned away in fear,

you couldn't stand to see me cry,

nor would you share my tear.

I wanted you to speak of him,

please, won't you say his name?

But you pretended he never was,

so he died over and over again.

Oh, I see that you're uncomfortable,

you no longer want my hand,

so as it was before we talked, my friend,

you don't want to understand.

Author Unknown

*****

I align myself with people who support my growth. If you meet someone whose soul is not aligned with yours, send them love and move along. ♥

~Dr. Wayne Dyer, contributed by ♥•*´¨♥¸.• ♥ ´*.*♥¸.•dotsie

*****

"The death of a child is the single most traumatic even in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself."

~Dr. Burton Grebin

******

Resilience refers to the ability to be able to cope with adversity. The human spirit is quite resilient naturally. Although you may be feeling exhausted, weak, and broken, those experiences are actually a form of strength. Letting yourself grieve takes tremendous courage. And then . . . you keep getting up and doing what needs to be done. Try thinking of yourself as resilient, knowing that the entire up and down process of living with loss is contained in that word.

~GrievingMothers

*****

I came to believe

As bereaved parents, one of the hardest things there is to accept is that our child is really gone. He or she won’t come home again, won’t walk through that door, yelling, “What’s for dinner?” It’s hard to get to the point at which we believe that we can go on living or that we can even believe they are really, finally gone from this plane of existence. Personally, I don’t believe they are ever really “gone” from us. I’ve seen too much to the contrary. But we certainly can’t put our hands on them.

I saw an affirmation the other day for a 12-step program that said:

• We came
• We came to
• We came to believe

This set of statements roughly conforms to the first three steps in AA and Al-Anon:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

We can substitute our situation in this set of statements like so:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our child’s death–that our lives had become unmanageable
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him

What does this mean? It means that eventually, out of our abject and intractable grief, we will find that we are still living, still breathing, still waking up every day. We have to then make the decision that we will look around us and see the mess that has happened since the worst day of our lives. No blame here. It’s just the way it is. Our lives fell apart that day, and rightfully so. Who ever expects to lose a child when we first seek to conceive one? None of us. But we do carry on. We do wake up, and we have to deal with the unmanageable state of our lives.

Finally, regardless of what you believe, whether your higher power is an all-knowing, omnipotent God..., you will look somewhere for help. You will look to a sane being for some sanity. You will realize that this problem is bigger than you are and that you need to talk to someone, pray to someone, or just walk out in nature and breathe in the scent of the rain.

Those first simple steps are your road back to sanity. Nothing is as painful or as insane as losing your child, but (there) is life after loss. We didn’t die. It’s the truth. And we will go on until it is our time to go. Taking a few steps in the right direction, even dancing around them, will lead you back to a good place.

Peace and love, D

~by grieving mother Doris E. Pavlichek, posted 9/15/2011

*****

You are more than your grief. It is overwhelming at times, yes. It is all consuming at times, yes. And then a wave passes. Grief is part of your life experience now, but it is not the whole of you. You are a deep and vast Spirit who knows love and has been shaped by sorrow. You are more than your grief.

~GrievingMothers

*****

It takes enormous strength and courage to walk into the valley of the shadow of grief. Even as you are broken by your sorrow, you are whole in your brokenness. Tears, grieving, moving on day after day, bearing heartbreak, choosing life -- each of these experiences makes you stronger. You may feel weak as you crumble, but in truth, you are strong as you dare to touch the tender center of living and loving.

~By Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

contributed by grieving mother, Samantha Hart Tripp

http://waythrough.org/2011/09/15/i-came-to-believe/

Saturday's Sayings - Paralyzed in Time in Child-Loss Grief and Trauma

Saturday's Sayings

Paralyzed in Time

in Child-Loss Grief and Trauma

"I have lived in the shadow of loss — the kind of loss that can paralyze a life, forever.

I have grieved like a professional mourner — with every waking moment, draining every ounce of life-force.

I have died — without leaving my body. I came back — and now it’s your turn.

I have learned to remember my past — without living in it...."

~Grieving Mothers

*****

"It is frequently said that the grief of a Grieving Mother is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting.....children are not supposed to die. These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, Grieving parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died. Grieving parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child...."

~Grieving Mothers

******

• 

  
  

• Time plays games on the mind of a heart that has been broken.
• (for Samuel Oct. 20, 1977-Sept. 29, 1998)

• a spit in the ocean of time
• was it just yesterday that i saw you last
• you were smiling, your blue eyes bright
• when was it, i can't remember
• maybe in a dream last night
• i don't know where time does go
• somewhere beyond the sun
• away away on the wind it flies
• then another day is done
• i don't want to think too very hard
• for it brings me to my knees
• so many years to miss you
• oh god please help me please
• sometimes the pain feels so very new
• as though time has just stood still
• and i look so hard to see you
• but know i never will
• but just the same your spirit lives
• in the wind, the moon and the stars
• you may fly by me and touch my cheek
• and soften my heart of scars
• the cord of love still ties us
• firstborn child of mine
• and as the years pass between us
• i know, it is just a spit in the ocean of time

• ~by renee williams

*****

• 
  
• 
  
• Dear Mom,
  
  I know this is a rough time for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be.
  .
  First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only.
  .
  Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently & yearn for my return. Do this with courage & my blessings.
  .
  Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me & renewing your commitments to life. It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours & even days not thinking about me. I know that you'll never forget. Loosening me & grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.
  .
  Be with people who accept you as you are.
  .
  Mention my name out loud, & if they don't make a hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship. If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything that you could have done for me & didn't, I forgive you, as my Lord does.
  .
  Resentment does not abide here, only love. You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I'm still yours & you are still my Mom.
  .
  Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as your child honors me. Read, even though your tears anoint the page.
  .
  There is an immense library here & I have a card. In Henri Nowens' (sic) "Out of Solitude" he writes, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair & confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief & bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, & face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
  .
  Mom, I don't know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is His voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am. I want you to know that I am okay.
  .
  I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices & visions & sometimes through your friends & even strangers who volunteer as angels.
  .
  Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic :) You will get what you need & it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.
  .
  Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, & if they have done their work, are an inspiration & a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically & one more wisdom before I close. There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter. That, too, will come in due time. Today, I light a candle for you. Joined with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness.
  .
  Affectionately,
  Your Loving Angel child.
  Anthony xoxo

~Anthony Shallo-Gloria Mejia Drobney

*****

Honor, Express, Learn and Practice or better known as H • E • L • P™


Honor your emotions and feelings. Acknowledging and validating them is the first step towards awareness. They are real and you are normal. Remember emotions and feelings ebb and flow.

Express and experience your emotions, feelings and thoughts. It is a rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns. Expressing eases the pain and begins the process of healing. Crying, journaling, writing, listening to music, art, talking to someone, support groups are some ways that you can express and experience your emotions.

Learn how to raise your awareness, to cope and take responsibility and action for healing yourself.

Practice awareness, coping strategies, action and positive thoughts to create new possibilities in your life. Be patient grief has no timeline.

~Bonni Rubinstein

*****

"Don't"

~written by Joanetta Hendel:

Don't tell me that you understand,

Don't tell me that you know...

Don't tell me that I will surely survive,

How I will surely grow...

Don't tell me this is just a test,

That I am truly blessed...

That I am chosen for the task,

Apart from all the rest...

Don't come at me with answers,

That can only come from me...

Don't tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free...

Don't stand in pious judgment,

Of the bonds that I must untie...

Don't tell me how to suffer,

And don't tell me how to cry...

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see...

But I need you, I need your love,

Unconditionally...

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share...

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care"...

~contributed by The Compassionate Friends/USA

Comments to "Don't":

~‎20 yrs later, and this still holds true~

(~KG)

~THERE IS NO TIME FOR US. IT FOREVER UNTIL WE ARE HOME WITH OUR CHILD~ (~L.S.)

~Hugs to all!!! I'm going to read this at my next parent's grief group..I will be sure to give the author credit. Everyone's grief is their own. No one can tell us how, or why, or when or if it's going to end. We are all now different people, whose worlds have changed, and will never be the same again.~

(~TG)

~ I was going to post this as my status but then saw that I had put it in a "note" on my wall back in February, the 3 year anniversary of my daughter's murder. It still holds true today as we continually have people tell us how we should be coping with (her) death. If I were brave enough, I would tattoo this on my forehead to that others would stop and read it before speaking.~

(~SGC)

~So very true. My 30 year old son, Matt, has been gone almost 5 years, and my emotions are still raw. I still can hardly get through many days. Most people don't understand, and really, they can't understand. No one understands unless they live this nightmare....~

(~SD)

~I really like this and can identify... This poem by Joanetta Hendel reflects the desperation that is also a part of grief in social (sic) relating to others, so I do understand.~

(~GS)

~This is what I needed for today and everyday after. I wish all of my "friends" could read this so when I cry I can stop hearing "it's going to be ok" when it is not.~

(~NDW)

~This poem pretty much says it all for the surreal, raw emotions we have to endure for a lifetime!!~

(~J.W.)

~ I totally agree, for me and I'm sure many of you feel the same way when I say that the worst thing imaginable has taken place with the death of a child, nothing, and I mean nothing comes close. From here on out everything else will just pale in comparison. ~

(~GRM)

~ I lost both sons four months apart. Don't tell me time will heal me....~

(~KWY)

~My best friend kept telingl me "don't feel guilty" "don't be sad, remember the good things." "Your daughter wouldn't want you to feel this way" I love my friend dearly, I finally had to say to her. "I love you, and pray to God, that you never feel what I feel. Because, only then will you know and understand what I feel, and I never want you to know this intense pain. "She looked me and said "I now get it, I will never know unless I walk in your shoes." I wish more people would have gotten it, I became resentful of all of those well meaning words. I talked less and less of my daughter, my true feelings. It deeply effected many relationships with friends and family.~

(~KWB)

~Just the right words. I have isolated myself due to the fact he people just don't understand me now.~

(~FBS)

~time never heels (sic) ~

(~JLG)

~Truer words were never spoken. We have two children in Heaven and we know... ~

(~BW)

~I have been going through this lately with people who stand judgement with what I "should" be doing or not doing. People who aren't going through this have absolutely NO understanding of what it is like.....their kids are fine and here....they still get their "tomorrows"...all I have left of my angel are yesterdays and they really hurt!! I just want people to just be here for me with no lectures, no talking behind my back; just hold my hand or give me a hug. It's that simple.~

(~CD)

~It's been 20 months since I lost my 18 yr old son. People go on with their own lives and forget that it's not that easy for a grieving parent. I sometimes feel they forget that I'm still so sad. I try to put a smile on face to make them feel comfortable. I just wished that they would just hug me and say ,"I know you are still so sad and that I love you".~

(~SBC)

~Oh how I feel every word of this. Thank you for posting it. Making it step by step stumble by stumble ♥~

(~CPR)

~It is something that no one really understands unless they have been there....an emptiness you carry with you always.~

(~DA)

~A heart wrenching description of how it feels to when our children pass away before we do. Life as we knew it will NEVER be the same but hopefully all of us make it through it.~

(~DSS)

~Wonderful poem that gives words to our feelings of loneliness in our grief.~

(~FN)

~"Beautiful, but so few are willing to accept us as we are."

• Almost 12 years since my beautiful baby boy... died, my grief is different, yet I am not, nor have I been accepted in my "new normal" To the PEOPLE in my life, get a clue I will NEVER be who I was... NEVER!!! Just as I was never the same after he was born... so why would I be or even why should I be the same after his death...~
• (~BHZ)

Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mothers, and Our Angels