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Tuesday’s Trust
What Do You Do When You’re Terrified of Jesus?
by
Tommy Prince
We can talk about trauma and being traumatized all day long, and those things are not to be minimized, and they must be walked through. But tell me,
What Do You Do When You’re Terrified of Jesus?
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Part of the “bereaved-parent tribal language” to describe the kind of life a person can expect to develop after the death of a child is described as a ‘New Normal’ life.
Now this much is what I KNOW:
Nothing in your life will ever be the same.
Every aspect of your life is affected by the death of your child.
Your emotional life intensifies.
Your physical life suffers.
Your mental functioning is called into question.
Your spiritual life is a total wreck.
Yet this is what I AM BEING TOLD:
To help cope and survive, I’m told I will develop a
“New Normal” life.
I’ll never forget the first time I heard this term, “new normal,” I was livid on the inside. I thought,
“There’s nothing ‘normal’ about anything I’m experiencing or will experience for the rest of my life! All I feel is devastation. What the hell is ‘normal’ about that? I can’t imagine the term ‘normal’ applying to any part of my life from this point on.”
The term "new abnormal," maybe.
The term "new normal," no.
Is a life filled with
· sadness,
· hypervigilance,
· irritability,
· fear, and
· uncontrollable bouts of crying
a “normal” life?
No, of course not! But now, I am told, it should be considered a "new normal" life?
To me the term ‘new normal’ is a polite way to say,
“Really, you’re screwed, but in several years you will develop—at best—a minimal level of functioning to cope with life. So, to encourage you and give you some sense of hope, we will call it a 'new normal.'”
But since I can’t come up with a better term right now that captures what I’m going through and where I’m headed, I will concede and use the bereaved tribal-language term of “New Normal.”
*******
Spiritual Trauma…
We talk about the irritability, fear, and uncontrollable bouts of crying being my “new normal,” but is this “new normal” also to include feeling terrorized by Jesus?
As I was journaling the other day, I realized I have not only been traumatized emotionally, physically and mentally but I have also been traumatized spiritually. By way of background, I wrote a post called I ASKED FOR BREAD AND GOT A STONE almost a year ago. Briefly this post was a description of what I went through as
I prayed to God intensely for months to watch over my daughter, only for her to … end up getting killed?!
Don’t think that won’t seriously mess you up.
Now, I find that a chill goes through me when I’m asked to pray for something or somebody. My insides just freeze up. I wouldn’t last three seconds in a Sunday school room or a Bible study where prayer requests are being taken.
I reluctantly must admit I mostly have been exposed to the ‘Consumer Benefits’ approach to evangelism and spirituality through the years. This approach basically says, “Come as you are, and look at all the things you can get—by saying this prayer, and tithing your money, etc.”
A “Consumer Benefits” approach to spirituality seems to include a delusion that one can use “sin management” to effectively run one’s life, and that one simply needs to just rub the side of the Jesus-Genie-Bible to get whatever one thinks one needs in life, and THAT should provide him/her the key to a successful spiritual life.
To begin to figure out how best to deal with my spiritual trauma, I find
o I cannot speak the tribal language of church and evangelism any more.
o I have not lost my faith or my trust in God.
o I have to question my assumptive beliefs and what I thought were truths.
There is some residual fallout from having gotten caught up in the “Consumer Benefits” philosophy of living the Christian life. While I struggle to find my bearings, right now
· I cannot approach my relationship with Jesus as I have before.
· I find it too terrifying to ask for ‘things’ or for ‘help.’
· I find that I can only ask for Him and Him alone.
For now, all I know is seeking Him-and-Him-alone is the only thing that gives me a modicum of comfort.
If seeking God-and-Him-alone is to be my “New Spiritual Normal,” I am fine with that.
Anything else terrifies me.
