Wednesday's Woe - Time Stands Still

Nathan with Merry Katherine, August 2004,

two years before she was killed

Wednesday's Woe

Time Stands Still

Nathan had been visiting his cousins down in Georgia, staying with one cousin's family of four girls. He said the visit had the impact on him of getting to be an "older brother" again, and it felt so good. Nathan said getting to be like a big brother again felt like a little bit of Heaven on earth. When he returned home to Tennessee, he dreamed about Merry Katherine, that she was alive again! In this dream, he didn't try to talk her out of her existence as he had done in other dreams by explaining to her that she is dead, so is she really back now, and if so, they had better contact all her friends to tell them she was alive. No, in this dream, he just began celebrating with her that after "16 months," she was resurrected! It has actually been 59 months, but to his subconscious it must seem much closer in time that almost five years now.

Though it has been almost five years since our precious 19-year old daughter was killed, somehow it seems like her death happened just last year. It's almost like time stands still amidst our deep grief. Sometimes it feels like I'm back on day one. And then again, when I am suddenly shocked once again with the stark reality of her death, it feels like I am facing her death all over again for the very first time - like I haven't been processing it or dealing with it for all these five years which I have!

I think a reality like a child's death, whether by the parents or by the big brother of the child, can never be fully accepted here on this earth. It's just too unreal, so it seems our minds play games with us of going in and out of that stark reality, but never really integrating her death into our everyday existence. I guess it's like trying to mix oil and water, trying to mix our life with her death. It just can't happen.

Pictures thanks to Karen's Quote Collections

Tuesday's Trust - Betrayed by Authorities

Tuesday's Trust

Betrayed by Authorities

When you're at your most vulnerable because of the severe threat of possibly losing your child to a violent crime committed against him, you're at your weakest point, you are barely functioning, and you would like to think you can trust the authorities to do their job. What is the job of law enforcement if not to investigate allegations of criminal acts, wrongful acts, even acts that could be affecting a whole group of our at-risk children, all of whom are citizens of the local county. If you have a child who is confiding in you, his mother, of criminal acts that have been done to him as well as to other teens in your community, and law enforcement chooses to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the allegations, not even interviewing your child whose life is hanging in the balance, then whom are you as a parent to trust?

Your child's case appears to be totally mishandled, or virtually, not handled at all... You as a child-loss parent can barely function amidst your child's devastating physical losses, and you are running up against people who have been elected into sacred positions of trust who are not even practicing the core protocols of investigations. What are you to do? What is your community to do? And what hope do the children-at-risk have if the powers-that-be choose not to intervene on their behalf? What if law enforcement chooses not to enforce the law, and chooses not to defend the teens from blatant criminal violations?

The system at that point is not working. Are there compromised people at its helm? Is there corruption within? Is it a case of total incompetence? What is it?

Your child by this time now succumbs to his injuries. You are now a child-loss parent. How are you as a child-loss parent supposed to figure out how to handle the improper legal proceedings when your whole world has been torn out from under you?

We went through some court proceedings with our child's death in a different state than our own. A grand jury was held, and duties were carried out. It was painful. Things were blatantly promised to us by the legal authorities that these officials did not fulfill. But we felt the grand jury was fair, and that their logic was reasonable. I cannot even imagine if all of these people had refused to carry out their jobs. It is unfathomable.

So when jobs are NOT being carried out, affecting the outcome of your child's case, and perhaps many more children in the same at-risk predicament as your child, what is a parent to do, and whom are they to trust? Apparently we have such a case going on in our community now. Our hearts go out to the child-loss mother as we watch her child's case be bungled at best, if not totally sabotaged... We helplessly stand by, signing petitions to the courts to please initiate a thorough investigation...

What about you? Did you have investigations and court proceedings? Were you treated fairly? Were you okay with the way things were handled? Were you okay with the outcome?

Did any of you feel betrayed by the very people you thought you could trust?

Picture thanks to FotSearch

Thursday's Therapy -10 Major Reactions Physically Indicative of Responses to Stress After Your Child's Traumatic Death ~Therese A. Rando, Ph.D. Part 9

Angie, Dr. Therese Rando, and Tommy, July 2010

Thursday's Therapy

10 Major Reactions Physically Indicative of

Responses to Stress

After Your Child's Traumatic Death

~Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., Complicated Mourning, Part Nine

10 Major Reactions Physically Indicative of Responses to Stress After Your Child's Traumatic Death

• Reduced immune response
  
• General feeling of being unwell (more on this another time...)
• Constellation of vague, diffuse physical complaints, sometimes experienced in waves lasting minutes to hours or as diverse aches and pains
• Distressing physical reactions when exposed to
• reminders of the loved one (see our comment below),
• the death,
• events associated with it, and/or
• other painful reactions to the loss
  

• Increased vulnerability to illness and/or physical risk
  
• Gastrointestinal Symptoms
• Cardiopulmonary symptoms
• Symptoms that appear to be neurological in nature, but aren't
• Hair loss
• Pain

Rando, 2011 (In Press)

We are sensitized to what we see of hers each and every day. We have all numbers of her pictures placed out in our den, our living room, our bedroom, etc. But when we step into the "play room" downstairs and move a few things around, invariably we will stumble across a completely different photo of her, and it can bring us to our knees. We experience an immediate pain~the reality of her absence stabs us in the heart~ It's like a blatant reminder of The Presence of her Absence and it kills us all over again...

Next week, we will attempt to discuss some of the Spiritual Effects of our child's traumatic death. We welcome you to email us at mothergrieving (at) gmail (dot) com to share some spiritual impacts of your child's death on you before we write these up next Thursday. We look forward to hearing from you!

Meanwhile, may our Lord's tender presence be with you as He holds you in His arms, ever catching your tears into His nail-scarred hands, so scarred out of His love for you and for your beloved child.

Picture and Content: From workshop of Therese A. Rando, Ph.D, BCETS, BCBT July 9-10, 2010 in "Clinical Interventions in Grief and Mourning," and "Intervening After Sudden and Traumatic Death: Contending with a Special Type of Complicated Mourning," used with permission of the author

Wednesday's Woe - More Mine-Fields and Grief Bombs ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Wednesday's Woe

More Mine-Fields and Grief Bombs

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

We have a good friend (more like an angel dropped out of the sky because of the way he has continually helped us amidst our child-loss grief). This friend is also a child-loss griever.

He is a veteran of the Vietnam War. Despite fighting behind enemy lines, he made it home safely only to lose his baby brother and his brother's newly-wed bride to a drunk driver.

This sudden and violent loss of such a close loved one ripped him up and essentially dredged up all the war traumas and losses to a debilitating degree affecting his ability to cope and to maintain close family relationships.

Then just six years ago, our friend lost his only son to cancer...

When Tommy talked to him just yesterday, our friend exclaimed,

"Everyday life triggers me with memories of my son.

Even watching television triggers me...

And I'm (at a stage where) I'm just remembering the good times!"

*****

Tommy:

Because of the cortisol stress hormone of chid-loss grief, a simple thing like somebody pulling out in front of me sets me off.

I find myself going into a momentary rage where I end up just dog-cussing the person.

And I then engage in a little self-talk to calm myself down by saying,

"Boy, you really have the love of Jesus in your heart today!"

But I remember it was someone else's extreme carelessness and recklessness that killed Merry Katherine...

And this person's extreme carelessness came close to causing him to crash into the front of my truck, and I came out with all these expletives...

It becomes a situation, whether inside or outside of your home, the world is not a safe place.

*****

Angie:

Last night I needed a good night's sleep as I had clients today, but after just four hours of sleep, I awaken, wide-awake, from a nightmare in which Tommy is chastising me for doing everything wrong during many of our years of marriage...It was totally out of character for him to yell at me, or "gunny sack" me with years of back-logged grievances he's never discussed with me, and I was trying so hard to make sense of all he was saying, all-the-while just being undone that I had inadvertently hurt him. Like I said, I KNEW this was totally out of character for him, but the dream/nightmare was so REAL, and I felt like a complete failure.

So I abruptly awaken, and I realize the absurdity of my dream... and yet, it seems so real.

My own psyche is attacking me!

Even in my conscious, awakened state, I find myself being extremely hard on myself, almost petrified that I might inadvertently hurt someone to the degree that I find myself hurting over my baby girl.

(I don't think that is possible, short of their going through what I am going through, but this fear is not rational. I KNOW it is neurotic, but it almost paralyzes me at times.) This second-guessing myself, in itself feels debilitating, re-traumatizing myself! So, to get a double dose of it in my sleep was mind-boggling.

Nobody ever told me there would be "Cortisol Attacks" in my child-loss grief!

What is happening? WHY am I turning on myself?

Is It Because I Couldn't Stop My Baby Girl From Sure Destruction?

I have no other explanation than that.

http://www.gizmag.com/microwave-land-mine-detection-system/15463/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demining

http://www.airlandsea.info/2008/10/german-mine-detectors-wip.html

Thursday’s Therapy - Violent Death: Restorative Retelling - Part Five

Thursday’s Therapy

Violent Death: Restorative Retelling

Part Five

Distinctions Between

Violent Death and Child-Loss

As I discussed the findings last week of Dr. Edward K. Rynearson, (a psychiatrist and a victim of his wife’s violent death) in his book, Retelling Violent Death:

Death creates irreversible loss of our loved one. Such permanent separation causes Separation Distress. Such sudden and unforeseen loss of our child through death, a complete separation, creates a longing and searching for reunion with our lost child to relieve our grief and distress.

Dr. Rynearson of course does not separate out child-loss from other losses of loved ones. He generally studies and treats victims of violent loss.

In describing violent loss, Rynearson distinguishes "Separation Distress" from “Trauma Distress”:

Separation Distress is the distress that happens to loved ones of a deceased victim because we are irreversibly separated from this person we love. Such abrupt and permanent loss leaves the grieving loved ones intent on establishing a psychological and physical connection with the living presence, and with the longing for an embracing reunion with the loved one's vitality.

Trauma Distress refers to the added distress we feel because of the violent dying of our loved one due to the violent way in which s/he died.

Dr. Rynearson considers Trauma Distress to be the more powerful and intense of the two distresses, yet he admits Separation Distress is much more complex to walk through as we must reprocess all of our emotional connection with our deceased loved one. (A very arduous, tedious, and emotionally intense process indeed.)

***

I think I would argue with Dr. Rynearson when he says that Trauma Distress is "more powerful and intense" than Separation Distress.

Trauma Stress is induced in me by the violence that my child had to undergo in the car crash on that fateful night that brought her death about. Yes, her violent death is powerful and very disturbing in many ways! It can bring me to my knees in a heart-beat and often does.

However, to me the more powerful impact on me long-term, is that each and every day for the rest of my life, I will be forced to be separate from my precious child, no matter how she died.

Both types of distress are very difficult and powerful, and will crop up to haunt the surviving parent at any given time, each capable of taking you back to square one in your pain, anguish and loss.

We have to remember as we study his very helpful book about the restorative retelling of violent death, that Rynearson is describing ALL types of violent deaths of loved ones, while

We are dealing with

the severest form of grief possible...

the death of one’s own child.

***

Rynearson calls “possession” the state of being so consumed by any aspect(s) of grief, that one loses the “governance” of one’s life – in other words, is so “possessed” by grief that the griever becomes debilitated in returning to life’s pre-death normalcy.

***

{Wouldn’t you say “Possession” in these terms is the very definition of the effects of child-loss grief?!}

***

To reiterate, these are the types of “possessions” that Rynearson cites as events or dynamics that could heighten a person’s risk factor as s/he goes through grief:

• reenactment - playing over and over in our minds the possible features of the loved one’s violent death,

• reuniting - doing whatever is necessary to find and reestablish an idealized attachment to one’s child, or otherwise remaining inconsolable,

• remorse - feeling guilty or responsible that we could not stop the death,

• retaliation - a cold rage and strong desire for revenge for the death, and

• overprotection - going into high alert to prevent (what-feels-like) the impending loss of any other family members after we so helplessly have lost our deceased loved one.

Dr. Rynearson does acknowledge that (some) parents in their child loss are different from other grievers:

"A significant minority of family members, perhaps 30% of parents (Murphy, 1999), suffer persistent thoughts of reenactment, remorse, retaliation, and overprotection, for years instead of months.”

***

Here again, I would beg to differ with the doctor...

Depending on the intensity of the relationship one has with his/her child, I would bet that MOST parents suffer fairly persistent thoughts of reenactment, remorse, retaliation, and/or overprotection, for years instead of months.

The Loss of a loved one is

quite different from

the Loss of one’s own child.

In many ways, comparing the two types of losses – Loss of a family member versus the Loss of a child is, in my opinion, like comparing apples and oranges; they belong to completely different types and severities of loss.

When one has not lost a child (which I believe is true for the above professionals), I believe it is almost unimaginable for anyone but a child-loss parent to even begin to understand the kinds of devastation that are wreaked by such a loss as child-loss.

So unless a professional has actually experienced such a tragic, disastrous loss as child-loss, perhaps s/he should not even think they could capture the severity of child-loss grief anywhere near accurately.

***

I do appreciate however, the contributions Dr. Rynearson is making to help us better understand the particular stressors that come with encountering any violent death of a loved one. These concepts offer vital tools to helping us better grapple with some of the "crazy-making" ruminations that are also part and parcel of child-loss grief.

Excerpts from Dr. Edward K. Rynearson's book, Retelling Violent Death