Wednesday's Woe - Grief's Prisoner

Wednesday's Woe

Grief's Prisoner

Prisoner in my own body. Held hostage. Can't trust my own being anymore.

3:00 a.m. ~ awake again. Not just awake. Wide awake. 4 hours of sleep. I need 8. But, I get up, go to the restroom...

Now I am awake. Strike that. It is more like, now I am Hypervigilant!

No longer can I just go to the restroom, then fall back in bed and crash back into a sound sleep. As Tommy realized I had awakened, we began to talk - he'd already awakened at 2:00. Neither of us could go back to sleep. As we talked, he asked a good question:

"Since Merry Katherine's death, over these past (what is now?) 5 1/2 years, have you had a good night's sleep?"

I had to honestly answer, "No." If I have had one, it's been the exception, but I honestly cannot remember a night of a solid 8-hours of sleep. He couldn't remember me having one either.

I have coped with that by finding some time during the day to take a long nap to ensure that my poor grief-torn body at least gets around 8 hours of sleep from somewhere.

But that's not all. The other development, really since Day One when we were told Merry Katherine was killed, is that stress takes its toll on me through my gastro-intestinal system. It's as if my body were wired to vent the stress through upsetting my tummy. Ouch. And my system must be finely wired, such that the alarm goes off with barely a trip of the wire it seems. And when that happens, then

I feel like I am a prisoner of my own body, and a prisoner of my own home.

The only people who can count on seeing me on a regular basis are my immediate family members, and my clients. A neighbor was teasing Tommy that he hadn't even gotten to meet me yet, and asked when was he going to get to meet me? Tommy teased back and said, "Nobody sees her. If you want to see her, call her and make an appointment and bring your checkbook with you, because all she sees are her clients." You remember the old saying, "There's a lot of truth in jest!" Well, there you go. That just about sums it up.

I don't like it. And I am trying to train my body to be more resilient with a pretty strong aerobic work-out routine, and a very mindful diet. But meanwhile, it is what it is, and I just deal with it.

For Tommy, his stress now sets off high blood pressure. And he thinks the wear and tear of the trauma of child-loss definitely contributed to his body succumbing to cancer (that he discovered he had just 5 months ago) as well. He too is working hard at trying to build up his immune system with proper exercise and proper diet, but it is a daily battle.

It is a daily battle for both of us. I wonder if the battle will ever subside to give us a few moments reprieve. I pray so. I miss my carefree health I could always count on.

And I am sometimes terrorized if I have some heavy-duty-traumatized clients scheduled, will my body cooperate today and allow me to help them?

Some of my clients have lasted the entire 5 1/2 years with me through the grief, and they learned they needed to call me 30 minutes before the appointment to ask, "Is this a good day?" before coming into their previously scheduled appointment. It has worked out fairly well that way. (So thankful to my clients who have been so graciously willing to be flexible!)

What about you?

How does the stress of the grief and trauma over your child's death play out in your body, or soul, or spirit, or mind, or behavior?

Do you ever feel like you are Grief's Prisoner?

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch

Thursday's Therapy - 10 Helpful Tips About Trauma: Since Child-Loss Grief is All about Trauma!

Thursday's Therapy

10 Helpful Tips About Trauma:

Since Child-Loss Grief is All about Trauma!

For any trauma survivor, past, present, or future, the ultimate challenge always is to persevere emotionally in the face of horrendous experience no matter how or when it occurs...

I now know intimately that grief and loss resulting from traumatic events stab the soul like a dagger. It leaves the self initially stunned... Then, like a flood, the magnitude of the event's essence rushes in, shocking the physical self and the mind. Emotional waves swell and assail the psyche, leaving the body feeling like a battered shell that has lost part of itself, its spirit. The human spirit often fights hard against such attacks and then ebbs against a tide of rising despair, emotional peaks and lows often typifying its pattern.

~Linda Daniels, Healing Journeys

*****

Ten Helpful Tips About Trauma:

• Our bodies don't lie. Trauma leaves "footprints" on the body as well as in every other part of our lives.
• A high level of trauma leaves people feeling overly sensitive to just about everything. We will be particularly sensitive to anything that reminds us of the trauma {I would add, or that might complicate our child-loss grief and trauma further}. These reminders are called triggers, and when we are triggered, we will often revert to feelings and behaviors that were present in earlier traumatizing situations.
• When things are too much for us to stay present, we find a way to leave, even if only psychologically. Dissociation is a pattern of splitting off some part of yourself when you are uncomfortable. It is a response to a consciously or unconsciously felt threat. When you are dissociated, you will generally feel spacey, find it hard to think or feel, and feel disconnected from your body.
• Another defense is simply to numb yourself so that you don't feel. If you're (numbing yourself from the traumatic reality), you don't need to "leave."
• Often there are cognitive losses that accompany trauma, and you may sometimes wonder what's wrong with your brain.
• Memories of traumatic events are often like shards that have shattered everywhere. Our memories come in bits and pieces, usually in ways that are far too intense.It is not normal memory that is operating when you are recalling trauma.
• Very rarely could we have done something to prevent our trauma. Yet the helplessness of the situation is hard to bear, so we often blame ourselves and feel guilt rather than feel at the mercy of forces we can't control.
• We contract in trauma to become a smaller target, and tragically, we often stay contracted, in very small lives, in an unconscious attempt to stay safe.
• Often we feel vulnerable and unprotected because our energetic boundaries* are in some way still broken.
• Trauma rocks your world. It can be hard to imagine how others go along so blithely, creating their futures, as if one could control that. Those who have experienced a lot of trauma don't have this basic confidence in things working out. This makes it much harder to rest in the world.

*(energetic boundaries) - When we're healthy, there is an energetic boundary that surrounds the body and helps us feel safe. When the boundary is ruptured (as by traumatic violation), we feel unprotected and vulnerable.

With ruptured boundaries, we often feel overstimulated by our environment and become drained quickly. There may also be a feeling of being totally exposed, as if you have no skin.

Trauma victims tend to feel like outsiders... (T)hey may sense that there are obvious differences in the quality of their daily life years after the trauma. Where life seems to hold out plums to others, it gives the pits to victims of trauma. Our trust and sense of safety has often been stolen, relationships become more complicated, and we struggle with simple things that others take for granted (like a good night's sleep....)

We aren't part of the "American dream" (however mythical it may be).

When you feel that you aren't like everyone else or feel (damaged) by what has happened to you, it's hard to be optimistic about the future. In fact, for many survivors, it's nearly impossible to imagine the future at all.

Many of us are caught in a state where we're still just trying to survive... and can't think much beyond that. Time for us is frozen and the future feels hazy at best.

~Jasmin Lee Cori, Healing from Trauma, (highlights, mine)

~Linda Daniels, PsyD., Healing Journeys: How Trauma Survivors Learn to Live Again, page 5.

~Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC, Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life, pages 48-50.