Thursday's Therapy - Adopting Self-Care - When You Feel You Are Walking Around with No Skin On... ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Baby "Ellie," Angie/"GiGi," and Rollin/"Daddy"

Thursday's Therapy

Adopting Self-Care

When You Feel You Are Walking Around with No Skin On...

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Survivors feel unsafe in their bodies. Their emotions and their thinking feel out of control. They also feel unsafe in relation to other people.

People with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome take longer to fall asleep, are more sensitive to noise, and awaken more frequently during the night than ordinary people. Thus traumatic events appear to recondition the human nervous system.

...(C)ontrol of the body focuses on restoration of the biological rhythms of eating and sleep, and reduction of hyperarousal and intrusive symptoms.

~Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

*****

Okay, these last several weeks, Tommy and I have had to pay immense attention to adopting self-care... Just take a look at this past week:

August 2, Tuesday - Anniversary Syndrome: 5 years ago today (8/2/2006), our 19-year-old baby girl, Merry Katherine, was tragically and suddenly killed in a violent car crash claiming three victims.

-On this same day 8/2/2011, Tommy and I go to his urologist where he undergoes an invasive procedure on his body to check for cancer and is told to take it easy for three days.

-(That means I have increased responsibilities/physical demands that I am not used to in order to cover some of Tommy's normal responsibilities. On one of those tasks, I have car trouble...with the radiator no less!)

-Meanwhile we are both experiencing insomnia this week (I had been struggling with insomnia for the two months previous to this week as well, so we are exhausted, and our resilience is low.

-I continue to see the few clients my body is capable to see.

August 6, Sunday - Anniversary Syndrome: 5 years ago today, we buried our baby girl.

Now, add to this, my body has been reacting to stress physically since the end of May, not only with insomnia, but with tummy distress. I was becoming more and more depleted.

NOW, imagine, in the middle of all this,

August 5, Saturday - we become grandparents for the first time! A precious firstborn baby is delivered to our firstborn child, our older son Rollin and his wife Stephanie. The baby is unexpectedly one week early in her delivery.

Our Grief Complications:

On Friday, August 5th, Tommy overhears me ordering flowers...pink roses... to celebrate our newborn grandchild...and he is triggered back five years. Around about the same time of the same week as five years ago, I am once again talking to the same florist when ordering the flowers... pink roses... for the spray to cover our precious daughter's casket... He even hears me asking the florist some of the same exact questions I asked five years ago. He is triggered, and leaves the house for a good cry.

Now, add to this, several weeks before, there were toxic interactions with some family members (some of the same family members that are to be gathering around the baby as she enters our world at the upcoming delivery). The toxicity had not been responsibly owned by the perpetrator; even worse, there had been fingers pointed at me and my other son Nathan, and neither of us had been at fault AT ALL. On top of that injury, there had even been some piling on by other intimate family members, all in complete ignorance, and unfortunately aligning on the wrong side. (Ain't family-togetherness fun???!!!)

So, being that I am already traumatized in my heart from having lost my "baby" girl, I had had to set some boundaries with my son and daughter-in-law about what they could and could not count on in regard to my participation with the upcoming festivities. I shared the following privately with my son:

• I will love Ellie (our pre-named future grandchild), but I must love her in my own way.
• I will not attend any parties.
• I will not be at the hospital for delivery (along with all the rest of the family).
• I will not be at the church for any ceremonies.
• But, I will love Ellie, be there for her (and you all) in other ways.

My son is a creative person, not one bound to any particular social rules or rituals, so he was entirely understanding and gracious. Fortunately he knows his mommy's heart, that though she is crushed and broken, she will love him and his family, including a newborn baby in the best way she can.

The Big Event! ~ Ellie is born!

So then, the big event comes! I am upset to some degree that I cannot be a part of the festivities of the wondrous birth experience because of both my deep mourning and the unfortunate interactions we had had with a couple of family members who chose to be mean-spirited and cruel. Otherwise, I would have wanted to be front-and-center in the greeting of that precious baby girl! And yet, I was at peace to a degree, because I knew I could not go.

After two months of insomnia, my body was a mess, and I could not seem to recover. Tommy was now struggling as well. We were both exhausted and doing our best just to function.

Day One of baby's arrival came...and went.

Day Two of baby's arrival came (same day as Merry Katherine's funeral day)...and went. (There was much communication with our son during the process; we just couldn't "be" there physically, only emotionally.)

Day Three of baby's arrival - Tommy announced to me he couldn't go to the hospital at all but would go to see them when they got home. I knew not to push his boundaries but was not sure I was strong enough to go to the hospital without him. I was disappointed I couldn't go and was in a quandary. ~When Tommy got up from an afternoon nap, I bemoaned, "I don't know why I cannot seem to go to the hospital."

Tommy shocked me with, "I feel better now; I think I can go. Let's go!" And so we did!

We had Rollin and Stephanie and baby Ellie all to ourselves for a very sweet and quiet visit. Only as the visit ended (over dinner with our son) did my tummy begin to cramp again. But still, we left the hospital feeling blessed and feeling we had gotten to bless our precious son, daughter-in-law, and newborn baby Ellie, "Merry Elizabeth Prince" (named after Rollin's sister, our precious Merry Katherine)!!!

*****

And today, I read some of the wise advise of the trauma specialists. The advice is a nice confirmation to my listening to my gut and acting upon my intuition to set appropriate boundaries for my grief-torn heart:

Because of your...trauma, you have vulnerabilities and special needs. It is important to be able to hold these in the right context. Often we feel we are our trauma symptoms. We feel broken, inadequate, high-maintenance, "too much." We need to learn how to reframe this to an understanding that "yes I have special needs, but I also have special gifts."

...There's an attitude in this culture that you shouldn't be fragile; we get mocked for seeming too delicate.

In such a climate, we must become fierce protectors of our more delicate side. This means not putting yourself in situations that are activating simply because you think you shouldn't be bothered by them. Yes, you may decide to stretch a little, but when something is just plain bad for you you must have the wisdom and the love to protect yourself from it. Like a mother bear protecting her young, we can protect the parts of us that are less developed.

...Developing the nurturing side of yourself is a very important part of healing. .. Trauma victims have often learned to ignore their signals of distress and override their own needs.

Reversing this pattern is part of empowerment. Empowerment comes with learning to speak up for yourself. It comes with knowing what you want and need and advocating for that, even if you don't always succeed in the outcome you are aiming for. Advocating for your needs is the opposite of being a victim.

Ruptured boundaries

When we're healthy, there is an energetic boundary that surrounds the body and helps us feel safe. When the boundary is ruptured (as by...violation), we feel unprotected and vulnerable. With ruptured boundaries, we often feel overstimulated by our environment and become drained quickly. There may also be a feeling of being totally exposed, as if you have no skin.

Wherever your energetic boundaries are ruptured, you may have a blind spot, which contributes to repeated accidents to certain parts of the body. ... (T)he same would be true emotionally... Ruptured boundaries leave us with hot spots of reactivity and without the sense of protection we need. Conversely, repairing these boundaries gives us more space to move, to be ourselves, and to connect with others... When our boundaries are strong, we can come out of the closet.

She adds a question that I have often thought fits us child-loss grievers as we try to walk through a fairly callous world, callous in regard to our grief in the very least,

Do you sometimes feel as if you have no protection, almost as if you have no skin?

~Jasmin Lee Cori, Healing from Trauma

Picture, provided by my son, Rollin

Friday’s Faith - The Effects of Grief on the Grief-Struck

Friday’s Faith

The Effects of Grief on the Grief-Struck

The grief-struck has had the bottom fall out;

The foundation’s been completely shattered.

What’s important has been called into doubt

When death’s destroyed one who really mattered.

What do you do when your bottom’s dropped out?

Your emotions shut down, then plummet, then

They take you on a roller-coaster route

To visit memories again and again:

In and out, up and over, through again,

Like a tornado goes through its tail-spin,

But slower, more detailed, ‘nd over again

To rework the pieces of life’s jigsaw,

Each intricate piece with edges so raw,

Could each slice through your heart like a sharp saw.

Your mind so impacted, shifts to first gear,

Attempting to take in factors so drear.

Other factors, it can’t take in, can’t hear;

Th’ cog’s so mired-up, it can’t move past first gear.

If it moves any more slowly, you fear,

It may simply stop, or move to the rear . . .

Going in reverse, (when) it can’t deal w’th what’s here:

It’s stuck in the past as memories appear,

To only ponder thoughts o’ your loved one dear.

“Why can’t you move forward?” folks start to jeer,

Questioning your sanity, (they) start to leer;

The life of th’ griever seems awfully queer:

“It seems you should be done; it’s been a year!”

Then there’s your body; it’s feathered and plucked;

It seems bogged down in the mire and the muck.

Others go to work, wond’ring why you’re stuck.

You can hardly function; they say, “Buck up!

But the hardest part hit is your shot soul;

The bad news has left its gigantic hole.

Satan sends his doubts—they start t’ take a toll:

“God’s your ‘Shepherd’; you’re a sheep in His fold,

but how does this fit with what did unfold?

Perhaps you really were (a) bill-of-goods sold;

Otherwise, why would death-to-yours be doled?

Is this how God answers your prayers so bold?”

God understands (your) questions as doubts unfold;

He hates death ‘n Satan; their end will unfold.

He meets you in (your) grief as it takes its toll,

(He’s) there to love and comfort, (in) His arms t’ enfold.

You fight (Satan’s) arrows, don’t let them take ahold*;

You know your God’s cut from a different mold.

Though Satan often tries to prod ‘n cajole,

You know God gave His Son to save her soul...

Grief strikes emotions, mind, body, and soul;

To all aspects of you, grief takes its toll.

Be patient with yourself as grief takes hold;

Grief strikes pervasive damage (if) th’ truth be told.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth tucked around your waist, with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

*In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV

**********

Restoration Time

by Kim Arnold, mother of Katherine Arnold Wolf

We have to love our children enough to let them hate us on occasion. We may have to allow them to think we’ve abandoned them when we haven’t.

Sometimes we may feel as if our heavenly Daddy has abandoned us, as well.

But He hasn’t. It’s just that we can’t always see His heart.

We have to try to focus on the Big Picture. In the end, all will be well. Everything will be resolved. We will understand fully, even as we're fully understood. Until then, we struggle through this mortal existence with partial clarity, doing the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt. We fall, and rise back up; we’re broken, and then mended.

And, hopefully, we give each other grace. Much, much grace.

I believe there will be healing, restoration, and forgiveness. Where there is dismantling, there will be rebuilding; where there is unraveling, there will be reknitting; where there is separation, there will be rebonding.

***

This is what the Lord says: At just the right time, I will respond to you. On the day of salvation I will help you…

Sing for joy, O heavens!


Rejoice, O earth!


Burst into song, O mountains!


For the Lord has comforted His people


and will have compassion on them in their suffering…

Can a mother forget her nursing child?


Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! 


See, I have written your name on the palms of My hands…

Soon your descendants will come back, and all who are trying to destroy you will go away. Look around you and see,
for all your children will come back to you. “As surely as I live,” says the Lord “they will be like jewels or bridal ornaments for you to display…

This is what the Sovereign Lord says: “See, I will give a signal to the godless nations.

They will carry your little sons back to you in their arms;


they will bring your daughters on their shoulders…”

(Promises of Restoration, excerpted from Isaiah 49)

Thank you to Katherine’s Mom’s Blog for this portion of her post “Restoration Time.” http://katherineawolf.blogspot.com

http://katherineawolf.blogspot.com/2009/11/restoration-time.html

Poem – The Effects of Grief on the Grief-Struck – Angie Bennett Prince – 1/18/09

Wednesday's Woe - The Gap

"Consumed By The Clouds Of Grief"

~Danielle Helms

Wednesday's Woe

This week, I received the following writing of "The Gap" from “The Compassionate Friends of Atlanta”:

Sharon Throop wrote on 10/18/09:

WE lost our only daughter, Wendy, 13 years ago the 12th of next month. I was just sent a prose, that sums up so much for so many who walk this road. You may have read it before, but if not, send it on to some of your friends and realize that it sums up the loss of our children.

The Gap

The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed, what they bear. Our children now come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal, every kid on a scooter. We seek contact with their atoms - their hairbrushes, toothbrushes, their clothing.

We reach out for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded. A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed,it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us, profoundly. At some point, in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened, but the empty space will remain--a life sentence.

Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children in part, through talking about them, and our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us; others cannot and, through their denial, add a further measure, however unwitting, to an already heavy burden.

Assuming that we may be feeling "better" 6 months later is simply "to not get it."

The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap--those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow, there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our immeasurable comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you have no place in ours.

We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful, and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice, we fear we would become truly unreachable and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings, we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience-- and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have actually managed to survive when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point nor who will still be with us.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

Sharon (Wendy's Mom)

6-18-77 to 11-12-96 to infinity

*Our shining star, yesterday, today and forever*

www.angelfire.com/oh/wls19/index.html

~reprinted from our "The Compassionate Friends of Atlanta" FB Wall and Discussion Board

**********

"The Gap" describes so well the dilemma we face with our beloved "civilians" who are outside "The Grief War." Some are reaching out to better understand us, always acting "in love." What gifts of comfort they are to us just by loving us at our worst! Others have proven themselves to be unsafe, and for now, we cannot afford to be around them. Our death-poisoned bodies just cannot handle even one iota of toxicity, or we just may go under.

Thank you to Sharon Throop and The Compassionate Friends of Atlanta for "The Gap,"

and a special "Thank you" for the picture and its sentiment to Danielle Helms, a dear friend bonded by "more than the empty ache" for our daughters who died within weeks of one another in 2006. http://twitpic.com/ebsxy