Tuesday's Trust Each Day...Pain, Midst Child-Loss Grief

Tuesday's Trust

Each Day...Pain, Midst Child-Loss Grief

Last night as I was getting into bed (much later than Tommy unfortunately), I looked on my pillow and saw where there on top of my pillow, Tommy had propped up my large Valentine Bear Nathan (my younger son) had given me, and my little Christmas bear Tommy had given me he had propped up to be "sitting" in Valentine bear's lap, in front of which Tommy had opened up and propped my small version of Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, as if Big Bear was reading bedtime devotions to Little Bear! I cracked up! (Isn't it nice when we grievers can get a good laugh?! ) Good feelings are greatly prized when we have so many sad feelings! Thank the Dear Lord for my funny husband, always coming up with new ways to bring me a smile! :0)

Unbeknownst to him, the devotional book had been opened up to August 2nd (Merry Katherine's death date), so I picked it up and read it. This invaluable message was what I found which prompted me to write the poem which follows:

In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

~John 16:33

An average view of the Christian life is that it means deliverance from trouble...

It is deliverance IN trouble, which is very different. The strain is the strength. If there is no strain, there is no strength. Are you asking God to give you life and liberty and joy? He cannot, unless you accept the strain. Immediately you face the strain, you will get the strength. Overcome your timidity and take the step, and God will give you to eat of the tree of life and you will get nourishment.

God never gives strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the minute.

The temptation is to face difficulties from a common-sense standpoint. The saint is hilarious when he is crushed with difficulties because the thing is so ludicrously impossible to anyone but God.

~August 2, My Utmost for His Highest, ~by Oswald Chambers

Each Day...Pain, Midst Child-Loss Grief

Each day my heart lifts a load of weight it cannot bear.

It has no strength to do it for it was never there.

My heart was light and happy; I had no single care...

Now I carry a cross when my heart has been stripped bare?!

Each day when I awake, Pain goes with me through my day.

I gravitate to find things that soothe my Pain away.

Indeed I do find comfort; the Pain is held at bay.

But peek inside my heart, you'll see ~ Pain is here to stay.

I look to my Savior and ask Him for some relief...

He says,

"My child, I've called you to bear Love's cross of grief.

My Kingdom's not of this world; in Heav'n you'll find reprieve,

But as you draw close to Me, your burdens I'll relieve.

"Do not expect your way to be free of death's stark thorns,

But know that I walk closely to any child who mourns.

"Your baby is in Heaven; in that you can rejoice!

But cry your sadness to Me; I'll ever hear your voice."

But Lord, I cannot function for grieving my child's death!

"Child, I too carried deepest grief to My dying breath...

"Yes, My child, the road to the cross is jagged and steep,

But when you see the Lord your God, you'll jump for joy, leap!"

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

~Matthew 5:4

Images:

http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-photo-5924742-teddy-bear-hug-isolated-on-white.php

http://media.photobucket.com/image/teddy%20bears/jmomoa/Teddy%20Bears/6.jpg?o=95/

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photography-friendship-2-teddy-bears-holding-in-one-s-arm-image12925132

http://www.webweaver.nu/clipart/teddy-bears.shtml

Devotional from: My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers

Poem - Each Day...Pain, Midst Child-Loss Grief - Angie Bennett Prince - 8/16/10

Wednesday's Woe - Spent

Wednesday's Woe

Spent

We are wiped out. Like my dog Prissy, I am spent.

It is July. Anniversary date, plus. Our child was gone from our house for most of June and the whole month of July, then was killed on August 2nd. So June and July, we are reliving the trauma of "losing her" before we lost her.

As August approaches, we are reliving the trauma of the sudden, violent, and mutilating death of our only daughter. Our cortisol (stress hormone) is running rampant. Current stressors are moving in on us...emotional meltdowns, spiritual meltdowns, family dilemmas such as my mother's threatening physical condition —

My care-taking abilities are almost non-existent, but people need me...

While I'm having these meltdowns, one brother comes close to having a heart attack and has had to have stents put around his heart. I cannot contact him.

My handicapped brother texts me; I cannot even respond.

My sisters call me, "We need you to come to Georgia to take care of Mother." I am not even sure I can take care of me, much less my precious ailing mother, so I cannot call them back right away.

My client calls with a situation very close to this nightmare we are living, and I cannot return her call.

"But it's been almost four years..." some would say...

Thank goodness last weekend, at the Grief and Trauma Conference, I heard the psychologist-specialist in Grief and Trauma say that

Child-Loss grief is intense for the first 5 to 7 years...

and then our grief still will go on for a life-time, but not at as intense a level...

But the general public does not know this...

But my family does not know this...

But my clients do not know this...

I only know it because I am living it, but until I heard the Trauma expert, I sort of thought I must be a little crazy, or that something must be wrong with me that child-loss is so debilitating to me. Little did I know

Debilitating Complicated Mourning that spans many years is the norm for my Child-Loss Grief.

Will someone please tell this to the world?

Picture~mine