Thursday's Therapy - Resilience ~ Part Three - Developing Personal Resilience

Thursday's Therapy

Resilience ~ Part Three

Developing Personal Resilience 

Human energy is the currency of change. Mental, emotional, and physical energy are required to shift minds, hearts, and bodies into new patterns. Resilience—thriving in the midst of turbulence—ultimately comes down to how people use their energy when they encounter disruption.

What can individuals do to manage their own energy effectively during change?

People are fundamentally resilient. One way or another, we pick up and carry on after just about anything—natural disasters, broken hearts, even the Holocaust. Most organizational change is relatively small in comparison to the challenges that people have overcome in other arenas of life. Why, then, do we sometimes struggle with it so?

In many ways, organizational change creates the same dynamics that life crises do. When people make decisions that affect us, we experience a loss of control. When those decisions require us to change established patterns of thinking and behaving, we grieve the loss of the familiar and we get frustrated when our mental models of how to operate no longer work. We expend energy to help us work through the emotions and build new mental models that enable us to succeed. We adapt. But sometimes we thrash around a lot in the process and burn up energy that we could be using more productively.

Some people seem to go through this process of adaptation more easily than others. In other words, they get better results with less wasted energy. There’s no big mystery to it…research and experience point to a set of elements that help them do this. Let me briefly describe each of them.

Positive - This one is the cornerstone. When you are able to see hope and possibility in dark corners, you have a reason to engage your energy in dealing with the challenges. If all you see are dangers, your energy goes into worrying, defending, and protecting.

Focused - By definition, change brings confusion and ambiguity. It’s not always clear what you should be doing with that limited supply of energy. If you’ve done the work of thinking about what’s important to you, and you’ve practiced saying “no” to anything that’s not, you can direct your energy wisely. If you’re responding to others’ needs and demands without a compass, you will scatter your energy all over the place and end up burned out and drained.

Flexible - Most change involves solving unfamiliar problems and generating new approaches. There are two things that can help you here. First, being good at coming up with a lot of ideas. Not only is this fun, which means it usually increases your energy level, but it also helps you identify possibilities and options. When you only stick with familiar ways of thinking, and look for “the one right answer” too soon, you usually get frustrated and drain your energy trying to make old answers fit new questions.

The second part of being flexible is recognizing that other people have energy too. You don’t have to do it all yourself. Drawing on others’ mental capacity, emotional support, and physical assistance boosts your available resources. When you try to go it alone, you use more of your energy than you need to.

Organized - In the midst of turbulence, order and stability play a critical role. You need to be able to establish zones of predictability by creating effective structures and plans, and using them with disciplined attention. Otherwise your energy gets drained in chaos and clutter.

Proactive - If you wait for certainty before doing anything to respond to the challenges of change, you will wait a long time and miss a lot of departing trains. This last element of resilience is about taking risks; moving out of your comfort zone; experimenting and learning. You can waste an awful lot of energy trying to create a perfect solution. Sometimes you just have to move, see what happens, and adjust from there.

So the next obvious question is: 

Can people learn to do these things better, or are we born with a level of resilience we can’t change? 

My answer: These characteristics are like muscles. Some people start with more than others, but through regular practice, we can all get stronger. It’s not necessarily easy, and you don’t do it in one training class. Instead, you take time every day to do the resilience equivalent of push ups and biceps curls, so that when the challenges hit, your responses come easily and you apply your energy efficiently and effectively to adapt to the changes you face.

~Linda Hoopes, May 29, 2011  

Article: http://www.reply-mc.com/2011/05/29/developing-personal-resilience-by-linda-hoopes/

Thursday's Therapy - Resilience, part two - The Importance of Resilience

Thursday's Therapy

Resilience, part two

The Importance of Resilience

As a Child-Loss Griever, there is so much that is out of our control... The terrible pain of losing your child is debilitating; there is no getting around having to walk through our horrendous loss. There is so much we have so little control over. Just as we could not keep our child from getting killed, neither can we pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps to survive such loss. It is only by grace, and by being willing to take one baby step at a time, of facing our loss, of grieving our loss, of looking for ways to survive even if no one else understands what we are doing or why we are doing it. 

A colleague of mine is a renowned psychiatrist in this town; when I told him of our Child-Loss, his words surprised me. He of course said that he was terribly sorry. But then he looked at me seriously and said, "Learn something new!" I was stunned. I said, "Yes, I know creativity is important to survive and to soothe our traumatized brains." He again repeated, "Learn something new!" Knowing that he is ever gaining knowledge about the latest research in the field, I recalled another psychiatrist, Bessel A. van der Kolk teaching us about trauma, that it is so important to learn something new... Our brains are so traumatized that they need help in being rewired. The basic steps of living can confound us once we lose our baby... The old wires are not working so well; they are worn down from the tragic shock; it's as if new wires need to be carved out for our survival.  

So I began to realize that just like a tiny baby in the arms of her mother is having her brain wired and re-wired as she sees her mother's responsiveness toward her, we too are in the process of beginning again, having our brains rewired little by little, creating new pathways so that we can process the unimaginable, the unbearable, the unwanted, the most devastating reality known to mankind. 

I had already begun "learning many things new" as I had delved into the world of the internet, starting a blog to help myself process my grief as well as to help other grieving parents who may have nowhere else to turn but to the internet (as so often, it is hard to even step foot out of our homes as they are our cocoons of safety). Some thought it asinine if not downright crazy to put so much energy into a blog when our livelihoods were compromised, and it would seem we would need to focus on getting more work... What they didn't know was that that was almost impossible. About all we could do was grieve. About all we wanted to do was grieve. We were in survival mode, and grieving was our way to survive. Now as I look back at some of the things I intuitively chose to do, I can recognize the critical part they had in fostering my healing, even if that healing was only inch by inch... In my own way, I was learning to be resilient even as I felt I was dying inside...

This article on resilience grabbed my attention last week. I had to keep in mind most of the people who write such articles have no idea what the world of a Child-Loss griever is like. But there are some truths they elucidate from which we can glean some kernels of hope...

The Importance of Resilience

Resilience is our ability to adapt and bounce back when things don't go as planned. Resilient people don't wallow or dwell on failures; they acknowledge the situation, learn from their mistakes, and then move forward. 

There are three elements that are essential to resilience:

1.   Challenge - Resilient people view a difficulty as a challenge, not as a paralyzing event. They look at their failures and mistakes as lessons to be learned from, and as opportunities for growth. They don't view them as a negative reflection on their abilities or self-worth.

2.   Commitment - Resilient people are committed to their lives and their goals, and they have a compelling reason to get out of bed in the morning. Commitment isn't just restricted to their work - they commit to their relationships, their friendships, the causes they care about, and their religious or spiritual beliefs.

3.   Personal Control - Resilient people spend their time and energy focusing on situations and events that they have control over. Because they put their efforts where they can have the most impact, they feel empowered and confident. Those who spend time worrying about uncontrollable events can often feel lost, helpless, and powerless to take action.

The way that we explain setbacks to ourselves is also important and is made up of a few main elements:

·        Permanence - People who are optimistic (and therefore have more resilience) see the effects of bad events as temporary rather than permanent. For instance, they might say "My boss didn't like the work I did on that project" rather than "My boss never likes my work."

·        Pervasiveness - Resilient people don't let setbacks or bad events affect other unrelated areas of their lives. For instance, they would say "I'm not very good at this" rather than "I'm no good at anything."

·        Personalization - People who have resilience don't blame themselves when bad events occur. Instead, they see other people, or the circumstances, as the cause. For instance, they might say "I didn't get the support I needed to finish that project successfully," rather than "I messed that project up because I can't do my job."

Here are several further attributes that are common in resilient people:

Resilient people have a positive image of the future. That is, they maintain a positive outlook, and envision brighter days ahead.

Resilient people have solid goals, and a desire to achieve those goals.

Resilient people are empathetic and compassionate, however, they don't waste time worrying what others think of them. They maintain healthy relationships, but don't bow to peer pressure.

Resilient people never think of themselves as victims - they focus their time and energy on changing the things that they have control over.

How we view adversity and stress strongly affects how we succeed, and this is one of the most important reasons that having a resilient mindset is so important.

Article: http://www.justaskdenise.com/2012/03/importance-of-resilience.html

Thursday's Therapy - 5 Lessons Heroes Teach Us About Resilience ~Debra Manchester Macmannis, LCSW

Thursday's Therapy

5 Lessons Heroes Teach Us About Resilience

~Debra Manchester Macmannis, LCSW 

“You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.”  

                                           

~(Grieving Mother) Elizabeth Edwards

Life isn’t always easy. It’s not a bed of roses. The journey inevitably includes suffering, for some far more than for others. Most of us have known good people who have not been able to withstand the pain of existence and have succumbed to drugs and alcohol, acts of violence, and even deep despair and suicide.

But, at the same time, there have always been heroes–strong men and women who have overcome hardship and risen to greatness. There are examples of strength and resilience in every walk of life–athletes, artists, politicians, whistle-blowers, game-changers. There are also the unacknowledged heroes among us–people who will never be rich or famous but who were there as role models, facing life with grace and courage.

One important way to teach our kids how to be resilient is by studying and celebrating our heroes. 

What can they teach us?

1. Reach out to others.

At times of loss and trauma, most people feel alone. Just knowing that others have gone through whatever hardship we are currently facing can provide hope and comfort. This is why support groups are so effective. In 2010, researchers at Brigham Young University and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill examined every research paper on the relationship of social relationships and health, involving more than 300,000 men and women. They found that those with poor social connections had on average 50% higher odds of death in the study’s follow-up period (an average of 7.5 years) than people with more social ties.

2. Notice and celebrate the gifts that you are receiving.

A crucial element of being resilient, or bouncing back from trauma and loss in families, is the ability to find a silver lining in times of hardship. The world is hungry for heroes, and often the heroic instinct surfaces in our darkest moments of need. We have seen countless acts of charity, kindness, and courage in the wake of every disaster. With the help of the internet, we can now share these heroic stories and teach our children the importance of both giving and receiving.

3. Practice living and cherishing the present moment.

One of our national heroes, and rightly so, was the late Elizabeth Edwards. She faced the worst of losses that any parent can imagine–the death of a child. Her life and death from cancer was a profile in courage, and millions are still able to benefit from her willingness to share her personal experiences. 

She is a profile in resilience.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/elizabeth-edwards-words/story?id=12337723

4. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

It is no accident that the miraculous story of a previously unsung hero climbed quickly to the top of the New York Times bestseller list and has stayed there for two years. If you have not already done so, and need inspiration, read the book Unbroken, by Laura Hillenbrand, the extraordinary story of Louis Zamperini, (see below) the World War II vet who survived both his shipwreck and long imprisonment as a POW in the South Pacific. As more and more families have been affected by sons and daughters fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, we need to find ways both to honor our heroes and also to help families to survive in the face of adversity.

For more on Zamperini, see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0pulc6kDsk

5. Find heroes all around you and thank them.

We know that good parents lead by example. Notice the heroes in every day life (teachers, waitresses, firemen, nurses, kids helping others), in books, in movies, on the news, and share what you appreciate about them with your kids. Praise effort more than outcome and see obstacles or problems as opportunities for growth and perseverance. Parents can also encourage and model pro-social behaviors like volunteering, supporting local causes, and helping friends and neighbors in need. Just think how the world might change if everyone focussed more time celebrating our heroes and practicing acts of kindness and generosity…

Picture, by Google Images
Article: 
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/parenting-tips/2013/02/5-lessons-heroes-teach-us-about-resilience/

Thursday's Therapy - It's Not Just About Losing Your Child ~ It's Also Very Much About Coping with a Traumatized Self and Your Inability to Function

Thursday's Therapy

It's Not Just About Losing Your Child ~

It's Also Very Much About Coping with a Traumatized Self and Your Inability to Function

People hear the words "Child-Loss Grief" and think that such grief is just about losing and missing your child. Well, losing and missing your child is indeed a large enough component to knock us off our feet for a long, long time. But what people DON'T GET is that Child-Loss Grief is also about TRAUMA and what that does to minds, bodies, and psyche's that ALSO turns us upside down and changes our lives forever.

In our observations and own experience, we find that after about two years of contending with child-loss, the wear-and-tear that the stress hormones (e.g., cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine) have had on your body and psyche sets you up for Post-Traumatic Stress, which compounds your ability to walk through your grief, adding a traumatized self to the mix.

For example, over time, you will find that any prior unresolved trauma issues, prior attachment issues (e.g., fears of abandonment, etc.), and prior resolved trauma issues even can get retriggered, or even triggered for the first time. And because our brains have been damaged through being traumatized, we are essentially stuck many times in the fight-flight-or-freeze state which emanates from the part of the brain that is primitive, and provides only for our self-protection which will override logic and reasoning because it perceives that there is an imminent threat for the body to prepare for. Then we find ourselves in such a reactionary mode to where sometimes even we don't recognize ourselves.

Child-Loss Trauma then throws us into a domino-effect of losses upon losses that complicate our lives to the point of feeling almost, if not completely, dysfunctional.

Some of the Components of Child-Loss Trauma are as follows:

Physically

Look at what happens physiologically to the brain from the severe trauma of losing our child. Such trauma essentially results in literal brain damage, as they can now measure through neuroimaging (if they have a "before" and "after" scan) how the hippocampus of the brain (which controls memory) even shrinks.

• Memory is impaired. Our procedural memory (habits or procedures we normally do such as grooming, brushing teeth, locking doors, how we get to stores to run errands, how we find our cars in the parking lots once we're done shopping, etc.) is impaired so that we find our daily functioning is greatly impaired. Thus it feels like we are trudging through molasses to do something we used to do without even thinking about it.
• Concentration is impaired. We may be unable to watch a movie or read a book for awhile once our child is gone. Another child of ours may tell us some important detail in their lives, and we may not register what they say even though we heard them say it.
• Judgment is impaired.
• Hypervigilance occurs.
• Hyperstartle response occurs.
• Hyperarousal occurs (where we stay in a startle-state mode).
• Neural pathways that were there before the death of our child have been disrupted and thus you must help your brain find new ways to re-route critical information to the different parts of the brain (such as the medial pre-frontal cortex) to be reprocessed and resolved. In effect, you are stuck in fight-flight-or -freeze state until you can help your brain move that sensory data or information to the appropriate places in the brain for it to be processed and resolved.

Emotionally

• Besides missing our child, we have lost the future with our child.
• We have lost the family "nest" of the intact-family-unit we always had, and thought we always would have.
• We have lost the celebrations of birthdays, holidays, and other family or community rituals that brought us much happiness.
• Relationships with others whether friends, church members, or even family members are often lost as the chasm between us widens when they cannot understand, respect, or appreciate the devastation that comes with our immense loss.

Mentally

• We have lost many assumptive beliefs, such as the belief that the world is a predictable place.
• We have lost the assumptive belief that the world is a safe place.
• We have lost a sense of security.
• We must now live through the rest of our lives knowing with a surety that death can happen to anyone we love in just a moment's time.

Spiritually

• Many of us have lost trust in God who did not protect us or our child at a critical time in our lives.
• Most of us have to re-examine our faith to embrace the truths, and throw out the falsehoods that inadvertently crept in and tainted our view of God.
• Many have difficulty returning to places of worship when there are so many volatile emotions, or confused feelings about God, or angst over trite sayings that wound instead of comfort.
• Some of us have experienced abandonment from the very people we would have thought would stick by us through thick-and-thin because of their purported life-values, which leads to painful secondary injuries we must add on to our traumatic grief to work through and heal from.

Career-wise

• We may find that we cannot automatically perform the very work we had done all our adult-lives before our child's death.
• We may find we have lost the confidence we once had to perform our job.
• We may find we do not have the emotional stamina to do the work we once did.
• We may find that we have a fatalistic attitude that impairs us doing our work, e.g., if we couldn't keep our child from danger who was the center of our attention, why should we think we will have success with anything else?
• We may find that we are impaired in our work due to emotional triggering that interferes with our functioning normally.

Medically

• Immune systems can become compromised.
• Our bodies can succumb to diseases they once easily fought off, e.g. diseases such as cancer, high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes.
• There is a much higher incidence of developing addictions or of triggering old addictions to illegal substances, alcohol, prescription medicines, sex, eating disorders, etc.
• There is a much higher incidence of being accident prone.
• There is a high incidence of insomnia and/or nightmares.

We find that we are not only left in this life to grieve our child, but it's almost as if everything is up for grabs, and there is a need for redefining everything including self, others, and God. So Child-Loss Grief is not just about losing our child; it is also very much about coping with a traumatized self and an inability to function.