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It can be confusing to find your way through all that grief seems to throw in the path. Be gentle. Slow down. Take the time and space you need to notice what you are really feeling. *BE* with those feelings. Give yourself permission to express and let each emotion roll to the next emotion.
Grief is a roller coaster. It's okay. Know that the world is impatient, but you can take as many days, weeks, months, years as you need to make sense of what has happened. There is nothing wrong with you. You are simply heart tending. Of course you hurt and feel disoriented. Why in the world wouldn't you feel those things?
Wednesday's Woe
No Words for "Why I Can't…"
"Don't say it's not really so bad. Because it is. Death is awful, demonic. People sometimes think things are more awful than they really are. Such people need to be corrected -- gently, eventually. But no one thinks death is more awful than it is."
~ Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son
There are just some things you can't put in words in terms of why we won't tolerate something now...
Going through the death of our child is, to put it simply, horrific. As Wolterstorff proclaims,
"Don't say it's not really so bad. Because it is. Death is awful, demonic."
Each of us going through Child-Loss is facing the downright demonic. Now, on top of that horrific reality, do you really think I am going to put up with needless toxicity from people who create drama just for drama's sake? Absolutely not. I avoid toxicity like the plague.
The tolerance is not there that there used to be for certain things. We keep thinking we might be able to get it back and we sometimes wonder why we can't, and then suddenly we realize why we should not have such tolerance anyway.
Why would we even try to tolerate inanity?
Like I told Tommy earlier today,
"There are just some things I realize are never going to work again. Relationships we sensed were toxic before Child-Loss but simply tolerated as best we could, now cannot be tolerated at all."
The simple truth is,
We don't 'do' toxicity!
The Child-Loss grieving heart already has quite enough weighing on it, thank you very much. Anybody's silly toxicity they try to dump in our laps will not be tolerated.
There is no room in our macerated hearts for "the Jerry Springers" (the trouble-makers) of the world. If they want to do toxicity, they had best take it elsewhere.
There are just some things that words cannot explain. I don't know "why" I can't do such-and-such ; I just know I can't do that! And we don't think we owe any one any explanation! Surely losing our baby girl exempts us from having to explain ourselves. It's not going to change who we are ~ even if we could explain it. So we don't bother trying...
These are the after-effects of what comes from having your entire being assaulted by the trauma of losing your child. As the graphic above states, "There is nothing wrong with (me. I) am simply heart tending."
My heart tending must become more important than anyone's neurotic or mean-spirited toxicity, and I owe them no explanation.
Besides, there are just some things we can't put into words in terms of why we won't tolerate something now... If you are toxic, you wouldn't understand it anyway.
Graphic, thanks to ~Mother Henna pinterest
