Thursday's Therapy - Amidst Child-Loss Grief, Giving the Gift of the "Authentic You"

Thursday's Therapy

Amidst Child-Loss Grief,

Giving the Gift of the "Authentic You"

At Christmas, Tommy and I didn't try to force anything. We decided only to do what we could do, even though admitting limitations can be hard at such seemingly "magical" times as Christmas is in our families and in our culture. For instance, our new grandbaby got to be "Baby Jesus" in a Christmas play before the whole church on Christmas morning in the Sunday morning worship service, her daddy (our son) being Joseph, and her mother (our daughter-in-law) being Mary!!! We knew, as much as we wanted to be there, for grief reasons, we could not. This could have been a major disappointment to my son and his wife but they extended much grace toward us.

Then, they were to celebrate Christmas with us on Christmas afternoon, but as it turned out, I got NO sleep on Christmas Eve night, so I had to cancel our celebration plans for that afternoon. They dropped by at 10 that night instead, due to a supernatural "coincidence" in timing: When they were driving home from my son's in-laws' house they saw Tommy taking our trash out for trash pick-up due to come the next day, Tommy also saw them and excitedly waved them into the driveway. They were able to visit us for about an hour and open their presents, and we made plans to go to their house the next day for further celebration.

The next day, even though we also had plans to go by the cemetery, we went by their house and had a joyful time watching our grand daughter jump in the new jumperoo we had given her the night before ~ her smiles and squeals of joy melted the trauma right off our grieving hearts and brought us to life!!!

It was a perfect scenario of authenticity ~ accepting our own limitations, and our children accepting our limitations set the grace-in-motion so true of love that was able to culminate in a joyful celebration with one another as we authentically showed our love to them and to our grandchild with no regrets and no actions based out of fear.

How refreshing. How grace-filled. How rewarding. And for our gift to our grandbaby to align exactly with her developmental needs of the moment was an exquisite moment of joy for all to behold. God is good. No actions performed out of guilt. Just sweet, pure moments of love expressed in joy.

Dr. Athena Staik teaches more about this kind of authentic giving of ourselves in an article I just received in the 12/28/2011 Psych Central Newsletter today:

The Ultimate Gift – Giving the Gift Being Authentically You

By ATHENA STAIK, PH.D.

Being authentically you is perhaps one of the greatest gifts you can give, not only to those that mean the world to you, but also to the people in your life in general – and especially to yourself.

What does it mean to be courageously and authentically you, and why is this a precious gift?

Authenticity is the permission you give yourself to be real, to be who you are, aware of warts and graces. This permission frees you to give and to live in relation to your self and others, especially key others, from a place of love, and not fear.

It’s precious because how you relate – give and receive – directly impacts the balance of your life and relationships.

And, speaking of fears, our deepest fears are not about spiders, snakes or bridges, which are surface fears in comparison. Our deepest fears have to do with intimacy and our deepest yearnings for meaningful connection, contribution, and relationships; they are matters of the heart.

To choose to live authentically is to choose to love authentically, a conscious way of feeling safe enough to love – give – with your whole heart.

And that means safe enough to set judicious limits, say or accept ‘no’ and ‘yes’ as viable options. Loving authentically with your whole heart means taking essential steps to consciously:

• Treat others and, at the same time, yourself with dignity and care.
• Give (to others and self) from a place of love – not fear.
• Remain open and empathically connected rather than defensive (triggered) when you face what most personally challenges you in relational contexts.

Why set healthy limits on your giving? When you set healthy limits, you:

• Give and express yourself from a place inside you that is authentic as it is rooted in your love – rather than fear, shame or guilt.

Being an authentic you has a lot to do with getting to know, to fully accept, and to love yourself and life in ways that allow you to authentically connect to connect to the courage to love with your whole heart.

It is only when you take one hundred percent responsibility for your inner emotional state and responses that you allow yourself to experience emotional fulfillment and personal transformation.

• Stand up for yourself from a place that intentionally sends a message that you like and respect yourself enough to treat yourself and the other with dignity even in challenging situations when emotions are pulling you in another direction.

One of the most important ways to express authenticity is in how you relate to your self. Others know from how you present yourself what is okay and not okay, in terms of how you want others to treat you. When you nurture a healthy space inside you, as well as around and between you and others, you send a clear message that you like and respect yourself, that you know what you want and do not want, and, most importantly, that you are aware of what you most need and value in life.

Thus, when you love with your whole heart, a required skill to cultivate is the capacity to remain open and vulnerable – in triggering contexts – without getting triggered.

Nurturing healthy limits in the way you love, give and express yourself is one of the most important ways to improve your relationships and your life, thus, your happiness.

• Setting healthy limits simultaneously conveys respect to others as persons, even when you strongly disagree with their viewpoint or feel pain in response to actions they took.

This is impossible to do, if you do not come from a place of deep respect and honor for yourself that is completely not dependent upon whether the other is treating you in the way you most want and deserve to be treated.

There are a number of things you can do to ensure that stress does not negatively affect your personal and relational well-being. You can schedule regular fun time. Eat healthful, nutritious meals. Exercise. Stretch. Breathe. Meditate. All of these are essential practices, proven by a substantial body of research, to be effective.

A lifestyle of conscious caring for your health helps remove much of the intensity and reactivity, and needless anguish. When you care for your body, you care for your mental health. You are strengthened to withstand the everyday pressures of life and relationships.

Much of the suffering we experience in relationship conflict, however, is related to limiting belief, and old ways we have learned to think and to talk — to ourselves — and to one another. In addition to a healthful lifestyle, your ability to communicate can be your greatest asset if you want to protect your happiness, and to more effectively deal with the challenges you face in relating to those closest to you.

In other words, what you say and, especially, how you say things matters when it comes to your happiness. It sets the tone for your giving and receiving – in other words, how you relate to your self and others.

Do you nurture healthy boundaries and limits in your relationships? Do your actions send a message that you respect and value yourself, your time and contribution? Do your actions similarly convey that you respect and value others and their contributions? Do you know how to “teach” others to respect you, or how to communicate your respect, especially in moments when you or others are seemingly unlovable?

Pause for a moment to reflect on the following statements; then use the scale below to rate how true each statement is for you:

0 – Not at all
1 – Occasionally
2 – Somewhat
3 – Moderately
4 – A lot
5 – Nearly Always

____ I find it difficult to stand up for myself.

____ I tolerate hurtful or sarcastic comments out of fear or worry.

____ I say “yes” to things I do not want to do, then resent it.

____ I feel powerless around pushy people and do what they want.

____ I feel others must be shamed or intimidated to do what is right.

____ I avoid ‘rocking the boat’ and go to great lengths to stop conflict.

____ I think “rocking the boat” is the only way to get things done.

____ I feel unsure and hesitant when it comes to handling conflict.

____ I say what I want, when and how I want to say it.

____ I think I must “please” others to feel okay or to not guilty.

____ I take what people say to me or about me personally.

____ I worry about what people are thinking of me.

If your score is higher than 10, you may benefit from developing more courage to be authentic and to set healthier limits. If your score is higher than 20, taking steps to nurture healthy limits and authentic connections with your self and others may need urgent attention. Your personal and relational happiness and well-being depend upon it.

When you are authentic, you love with your whole heart, you feel safe enough to remain open and vulnerable. Authenticity is about fully owning the power you have to make choices at any moment regarding how you will respond, or relate, to yourself and to life around you.

The first step? Know your triggers. More on this in the next post.

Choose to give the gift of being authentically you, and you will transform your life and relationships in ways that will surely surprise and delight you.

Do you have any instances of "authentic giving" amidst your grief? We would love to hear them! Please feel free to comment below!

Tuesday's Trust - Amidst the Holidays ~ Keeping the Good...

Tuesday's Trust

Amidst the Holidays ~

Keeping the Good...

We are coming out of Thanksgiving weekend and looking back on the time with awe. Looking back on our lives this weekend is somewhat like watching the immature pupa in the process of its transformation between larva and adult within its transitional state within the chrysalis. Going into the weekend, we knew certain new rules we have tried in years before would have to continue to be in place, such as,

• There will be no "crowds" of people in which we will gather. No large family-of-origin get-togethers. No massive amounts of interpersonal dynamics we will have to navigate through. No unnecessary tensions to get stirred up for no good reason.
• There will be no shopping furor or frenzy that we will force ourselves to contend with.
• There will be no extra activities undertaken which might weaken us down into an unnecessarily tired state.
• We will not force ourselves to do things just because that was what we always did.

• On top of that, I was contending with the somatic dysfunction that has plagued me these five years as my body struggles to tangle with the realities manifest that my heart, soul, spirit, body, and mind never wanted to happen but did anyway. So, I am learning, of necessity, to attend to what my poor body is requiring to stay healthy. Which includes the need for boundaries, saying "No" to tasks I ordinarily would have tackled "just because" a holiday is here, and that is what you do.
• And we will maintain a schedule of healthy activities like obtaining proper amounts of sleep, proper amounts of healthy exercise, eating the appropriate foods called for to which our bodies will respond well, hopefully.
• And we will open the door to sweet, low-key visits from just a few key people that we don't ordinarily get to spend enough time with, like our own two sons, and daughter-in-law, and granddaughter!
• So on the flip side of the weekend, we can see now how incredibly sweet the weekend was. The sacred was retained. The fluff was eschewed. And in doing so the purity of the sacred moments stand out in full relief, not muddied down at all by the usual toxicities that can often come with the holiday package. How sweet. How thankful we are that amidst our "new normal," such as it is, in some ways our holidays are spent in even BETTER ways than before, and that is such a relief to see! And for that major transition, I am so very THANKFUL. I am indeed THANKFUL that I can be THANKFUL on this Thanksgiving season!
• It even gives me a trust and a hope that our devastating child-loss grief can usher in much BETTER habits and rituals and family-togetherness than in years before! God is good, and I guess we are in a better position to really listen to His still small voice these days. Indeed, not everything about child-loss grief is bad. Some changes coming our way are not only good, they are very good!

Posters, thanks to Heartlight.org

Friday's Faith - Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me An Alien?

Friday's Faith

Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me An Alien?

After going through a Thanksgiving of peace as it was designed around our child-loss grieving needs, not around the expectations of others, my heart is nurtured, and for that I'm so thankful! But there is a heightened awareness of how much I do not "fit in" to the world around me.

One family member took it upon her naughty self to write a rebuking email, heavy-laden with guilt, manipulation and sentimentalism. As if I didn't already have enough of a load on my troubled heart, you felt the need to pile on to a heart-broken bereaved mother?!

Such message from a person one otherwise would expect to be kind, compassionate, and caring adds to the disillusionment of this griever. It also underlines, accentuates, and aggravates the new realizations of how "odd" I am, of how I don't "fit in," of how I feel like I have been dropped onto a foreign planet where no previously-known earthly citizen understands, nor can communicate with this grieving alien.

It is a harrowing experience, like I am living in an Alfred Hitchcock unsolvable mystery --trapped on a planet where no one speaks my language, and expects behaviors from me that I can no longer produce to accommodate the canned-holiday-expectations of decorum. And such unconformity is treated as being right up there with the "unpardonable sins" such as blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, as family-get-togethers on man-made holidays are treated as holy as God Himself, barring any exceptions to the rule without threats of disbarring, or banishment from the tribe, if not even incurring the wrath of God Himself.

It is not so much the disappointment of the heaviness of Child-Loss Grief itself I grapple with as I am at a fairly peaceful place in Grief, that "It is what it is" - and that I must do what I need to do to cope with it.

But it IS a very heavy load, and others must simply

"Deal with it or you won't be dealing with me!"

It is more that I struggle with this weird sense of isolation from 99% of the earth's population who don't "get it" when it comes to my severe grief and continued broken heart EVEN though I do bask in God's love and comfort!

Many do not seem to think the two of those are compatible: If I have the latter (God's love and comfort), the first (Severe Grief and a Broken Heart) should not exist at all.

...So now, they feel a need to punish me...

So, I do what comes true to my heart, I turn to my Living Lord who has Living words for me and my troubled spirit.

Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me an Alien?

Here, I do not belong: I'm a citizen of Heaven...

Here, I do not fit in ~ the only "fit" I have here is th' one I've thrown...

Here, make me yeast for this world's leaven,

Here, prepare my soul to bow at Your Throne.

Here, Your child-loss griever is an alien!

Here, use Grief to sanctify (me to be) Heaven's citizen!

To which God assures me,

"I will create a City on that Shore:

Sounds of weeping, crying will be no more!

You will be a people blessed by the Lord;

My chosen ones will long enjoy (My) reward.

None will be harmed or destroyed in that City;

Your work (will) not (be) in vain, nor your children doomed t' pity.

Wait on Me, trust that My work will be done

In you, your work, and in your little one.

"Trust in Me in going through this desert,

Rest in me in this long winter's drought,

For soon you will find your sure treasure,

For here, My ways are past finding out!

"Faith is hope's blessed assurance,

The lack of sight's sure certainty.

Here, you must suffer endurance

of temporary misery,

awaiting Grief's alchemy

w'th paradoxical results achieved

accomplished by My mystery!

"Before you call, I will answer,

While you're still speaking, I will hear,

For you, My child, I have ransomed!

To you, I will ever draw near."

My Lord, though here, I may be an alien,

That is what You've called us to be,

For our citizenship IS in Heaven,

For we were designed to live there with Thee!

Give me grace for Grief's journey,

Knowing I walk through it with You,

Should others around me not understand me,

What's that to me if I'm ever accompanied by Thee?!

{based on Isaiah 65, and Hebrews 11}

Picture: http://www.fotosearch.com/BLD007/ca_42_4/

Poem: Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me an Alien? - Angie Bennett Prince - 12/2/10

Tuesday's Trust - THE DOCTOR IS OUT

When It Comes To Treating a Grieving Parent,

THE DOCTOR IS OUT

Or

Be Careful Entrusting Yourself To Just Any Ole Counselor…

by Tommy and Angie Prince

Although there are many problems and disorders that folks have that can be treated successfully by a physician or counselor, iohooc (in our humble opinion, of course!),

Some problems cannot be effectively treated by just any ole counselor...

A physician using medication can manage many physical problems. A physical therapist can assist in the recovery of broken bones and torn muscles. Surgery can often correct internal problems. The removal of tumors, gall bladders, appendix, and part of the stomach can relieve damaged tissues.

In each of these situations the treating physician or physical therapist does NOT have to personally experience the disorder to successfully treat the disorder.

But if you are a grieving parent and find yourself stuck in some part of your grief and want to seek professional help, in our opinion,

Do Not Entrust Yourself to Any Doctors or Therapists Who Have Not Lost a Child Themselves!

In our own “wars of grief,” we find it is rare that any “civilian” to that war ever fully “gets it” in regard to the depth, length, or breadth of our pain. It is our opinion that neither will you find any professionals who will “get it” fully if they themselves have never suffered through the loss of their own child.

Even Sigmund Freud thought parental grief had an end to it until he lost his own daughter and grandson. After his great loss, he wrote in a note to a friend, that although the acute stage of grief eventually subsides, a parent’s grief never fully resolves. (Talbot, 2002)

So we say,

Do Not Entrust Yourself To Any Doctors or Therapists Who Have Not Lost a Child Themselves. The odds are great they simply will not “get” the extent of your pain, nor the normalcy of such depth of pain with this kind of loss.

******

Counselors generally can successfully help someone who is experiencing emotional problems. Talk therapy is good for people experiencing depression, anxiety, obsessions, marital problems, and relational problems. In each of these areas the counselor does not have to have personally experienced these problems to successfully treat the client. The outcome can be positive even though the counselor has not gone through a similar experience.

There are some situations where unless the physician or counselor has had personal experience with a particular problem, the treatment will be unsuccessful.

One area in which this is true is with addictions. Those who have been through the process of recovery and rehab seem to be the only ones who can treat alcoholism and drug addiction.

In terms of addiction, it “takes one to know one”!

The research is indicating that an addict may be required to go through rehab multiple times. (This is one of the few areas of treatment where failure is “acceptable.”)

But for the addict to have a chance at success, it is generally agreed upon by the professionals in the field that a fellow “recovering” addict must conduct the treatment.

When it comes to helping a grieving parent,

it takes one to know how to help one.

The process of grieving the loss of a child is unlike any other form of grief. It is different from the death of a spouse, the death of a parent, or the death of a sibling. It does not follow the same path of the other losses. The loss-of-a-child grief is more enduringly intense than any of the other kinds of losses. It is more severe than the other losses.

Though much grief-work can be done effectively, the full meaning, trauma and complexity of bereaved parents’ grief is something that will never be “fully integrated” into their lives. Any professional working with you in your grief needs to understand this dilemma.

******

Psychologists are proposing a “traumatic grief” category for the next diagnostic manual for psychological disorders which seems "to do a better job of clarifying the debilitating symptoms often experienced by bereaved parents." (Talbot, 2002)

(We will show this proposed category of grief in all of its detail in another blog post coming soon.) This improved categorizing of different types of grief is indeed progress.

Complicated grief or traumatic grief seems to be more of the norm for grieving parents, and that needs to be understood, particularly for any therapist or doctor who works with these grieving parents.

******

Kay Talbot is a Ph.D. psychologist who has lost a child. She comments on this upcoming grief category proposed for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for psychological disorders and how important it is to distinguish that

the deep grief for the grieving parent is not a disorder for this child-loss grief.

She also gives her input on the unique nature of child-loss grief and how undergoing grief therapy in the wrong manner sets a parent up for “secondary injury”:

But when putting the diagnostic categories into practice, it is vitally important to convey to bereaved parents that they are not ‘disordered.’

Their grief is extreme, traumatic, debilitating, and frequently requires professional intervention. But it is not abnormal for this loss.

Bereaved parents who seek or are sent for counseling are at risk for secondary injury when they are subjected to assessment and diagnosis.

Interestingly, we do not know how often bereaved parents leave a professional’s office feeling unheard, misunderstood, and/or judged and never return….

We (do) know that establishing rapport and trust with bereaved parents is critically important. Asking how we can best help (bereaved parents who do come in for help) and what we need to know in order to understand their grief conveys our interest in and respect for each unique parent.

~Kay Talbot, Ph.D., and grieving mother, 2002 What Forever Means After the Death of a Child: Transcending the Trauma, Living with the Loss (highlights ours)

Thursday's Therapy - What Helps Me As I Deal with Grief

Thursday's Therapy

What Helps Me Deal with Grief:

• • Establish an environment of safety:
  • Quiet time
  • Uninterrupted time
  • Safe people only around me
  • Write out my grief process:
  • Any questions I have
  • Whatever feelings emerge
  • Conversation with God about my loss
  • Conversation with my deceased child
  • Allow the feelings to come; encourage them to come
  • Comfort and receive comfort from other grieving parents
  • Read my Bible

  o Open myself up for God to speak to me

  o Open myself up for God to comfort me

  • Write poems to express my feelings:
  • Express my logical thoughts (left brain)
  • Express my creative side (right brain)
  • Allow the Holy Spirit to minister as I write
  • Intervention (Showing new pathways for my grief)
  • Correcting (His view of my loss)
  • Comfort (Reminding me of who He is regarding my loss)
  • Develop healthy boundaries:
  • Determine what I think I am able to do, and what I am unable to do
  • Determine who I am able be around, and who I am not
  • Take care of my physical and emotional needs
  • Be sure I eat healthily
  • Get good exercise
  • Be sure I get 8 hours of sleep each night
  • Get sunshine
  • Add right-brain activities

  Ø Listen to music

  Ø Ponder and view the beauty of God’s world

  Ø Enjoy the taste of a good meal

  Ø Physical comfort of being close to my husband

  Ø Meditation

  Ø Enjoy the aroma of cut flowers from my garden

  Ø View pretty pictures

  Ø View pictures of birds, flowers, butterflies from my magazines or on the internet

  Ø Sit by a crackling fire

  Ø Hike on a mountain trail

  Ø Garden, enjoying getting my hands in the dirt

  Ø Hold my dog

  Ø Bask in a warm bath or spa

  Ø Take a walk, focusing on the beauty around me

  Ø Jump on my trampoline

  Ø Mow the lawn

  
  

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P.S. Please find pink flowers from this post on left side-bar, and take my Grief Survey! Thank you!