Monday's Mourning Ministry - I Can't Turn You Loose ~Otis Redding (with revised Lyrics for Grieving Parents)

Monday's Mourning Ministry

I Can't Turn You Loose

~Otis Redding

(with revised lyrics for 

grieving parents)

I Can't Turn You Loose

~Otis Redding

(with Lyrics revised for a Grieving Parent)

I can't turn you a loose now

If I do, I'm gonna lose my mind

Honey, I can't never turn you a loose now

If I do, I'm gonna lose my mind

I can't turn you a loose for nobody

'Cause I love you baby, yes I do now

I'm a cry in', shaking mama (papa), I told ya

Honey, baby girl, I love you

Gotta baby, I gotta do it baby, why don't I~ 

I'm gonna give you all the love that you want

I gotta, gotta, gotta

Keep on a, a cryin' baby

Never, never gonna turn you loose

Keep on a, keep on a holding on

Gotta gotta

I can't turn you a loose now

Our love was the sweetest, sweetest thing, ooo

I'll never, never turn you a loose

Because of the sweetest love you bring me

I said I can't turn you a loose for nobody baby

I love you baby, yes I do!

Baby, I'm a cryin', shaking mama (papa), I love ya

I'm always gonna love you!

Honest baby I'm gonna do it baby why don't I

I'm gonna give ya all the love that you want

Gotta, gotta, gotta

Keep, keep on holding on

Never gonna turn you loose now

Never gonna lose you baby

I, I got to…

I can't turn you a loose

Never, I'm never gonna turn you a loose

I'm gonna keep holding on, can't turn you a loose

Gonna keep a grip on you

I can't turn you loose

Early in the morning

And I love to hold ya

I can't turn you loose

Never gonna turn ya (loose)

Gotta keep on holding

Hold on to me baby

Gotta, gotta, gotta

Grief Video found at

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xEvsJtrl60

Wednesday's Woe - The Family Get Together that Included More than Just Family

"There is a feeling of disbelief that comes over you, that takes over, and you kind of go through the motions. You do what you're supposed to do, but in fact you're not there at all."

~Frederick Barthelme 

Wednesday's Woe

The Family Get Together that Included 

More than Just Family

"The loss of a future eroded the present. The long shadow of the past haunted the moment. I lived in fear – fear of no future, fear of the past and afraid the shrapnel of the present tense was going to be my demise. I was left fragmented, holding on and holding it all in."

~Benjamin Allen

~~~

Let me give you some background first… We have managed over the course of the last several months, to sequester ourselves fairly well from festive activities like holiday events, etc. We made sure we were alone at Christmas, New Years, Tommy's birthday, Easter, Merry Katherine's birthday, and Mother's Day; holidays and grief, for us, just do not mix well. They typically are the worst days of the year for us, and it is all we can do just to muddle our way through them in the sanctuary of our own home. Nathan had come home for his birthday, and we had had a sweet time with him, but there could be no large get together with all of us together because we knew we weren't up for that, so he celebrated in small gatherings instead.

So here it was, the first outing in quite awhile with all our little family gathered around. We were delighted Nathan was coming close by and wanted to introduce us to his new girlfriend he had met while living down in Georgia, but we had fear and trepidation about the family get together without our lively Merry Katherine in the thick of the action… We tried to be sure we were well-rested, well-grieved, and as prepared as we could be for the occasion. But we knew it probably would be difficult and have its painful moments anyway...

This is how I felt, sitting in a family gathering around the table at Cracker Barrel, (As I said, it was a rare event for all of us to get together, because as always, the Absence of her Presence would loom too large, and the shadow would overwhelm the entire event). Here we were, one son celebrating a new love, a beautiful bright moment in his life, and thus in our life, and the other son celebrating and sharing with us for the first time their discovery of new life in his wife's womb, with the hopes of a newborn to come into our presence in about seven months from now, and thus more great elation was there for the celebration in our family's hearts… !

But, where was I? O, I was there to celebrate alright; I wouldn't miss such a special time together, in their lives and mine, and yet somehow I was far far away at the same time… 

I could feel the tension in my insides. Here it was, a truly beautiful culmination of events in our family's lives all at one time, and yet why was my heart sitting in my chest still feeling crushed, pulverized, and dangerous, as if it could splat out on the table and ruin everyone's happiness all at once? 

I felt fear; I felt danger; I felt "un-me," and frightened, even while I too felt sparks of the joy my children were feeling, to some degree. My usual confidence was shaken, and what seemed to replace it was a gross insecurity that clouded my ability to relax and "be" in the moment. I felt on guard against potential disaster, and some of that disaster that might originate from within, from my own darkness that was overwhelming the lightness of the occasion, despite being now engulfed in my children's light-hearted banter. What was wrong with me? I love people; I love my children; I enjoy their quick, spontaneous humor; I love family time, and the sweetness that surrounds it!

Still, it was as if I knew Life and Death were sitting at the same table with me at one time. How can one singly celebrate Life when Death is sitting there tightly coiled, just waiting for its moment to lash out onto the table to totally spew the rest of  its poisons out, and take out all that was left of my family at one time?  Or, at the very least, spew out some of the poisons that seemed to have crept down into my own heart and soul, and thus potentially ruin a perfectly beautiful evening for my family.

How can one truly enjoy a shared meal with loved ones when we know Danger is lurking at our side all the while? Like Benjamin Allen says, "I was left fragmented, holding on and holding it all in." I was using what little energy I had available to try to hide that desperate negativity that was clawing at me, threatening to engulf my soul. In actuality, it was already ripping at my insides even as I knew it was threatening to swamp me, and take me down at any moment…). How do you smile and try to be festive with all that fear and turmoil going on in your heart and soul?

~~~

After the first thirty minutes to an hour of the meal, I was able to feel more and more of the love from my sons' hugs, and the laughter regarding their, and my grand baby girl's, shenanigans. I was beginning to be able to feel the joy in response to their joy as the night progressed. It morphed more and more into a sweet and peaceful time around people who are each full of grace. 

If I was not altogether present, I was mostly present during the remainder of the evening as opposed to the very rough start at first. 

Perhaps this is what it is like to grieve your child now after 7-and- 3/4 years; the grief-and-trauma does not leave (rather, it goes with us everywhere we go!) so we must make room for it, and over time and much grief work, our systems learn to make room for joy at the same time. 

There are times worse than others; I have not quite sorted out what all happened this time ~ I think I have been exhausted from a great deal of grief lately,  which leaves an aggravated adrenal system and its concomitant disrupted sleep, all of which culminates in a steady low-level state of exhaustion, leaving me just enough energy to function, but barely. And thus, I am left more vulnerable for the darkness of my grief to surface at all the wrong times…  

I am very grateful for what was mostly, ultimately, a sweet time with my family. 

I am also aware that we indeed walk in this world now ever accompanied not only by Life… but also Death. Yes, it was a family get-together than included more than just family; it also included my grief and my fear….

Towards the end of the evening, Tommy came up to me, saying, "We need to go now!" Evidently, the evening had been relatively good for him, until towards the end of the evening when the boys were showing off their antics, and the absence of Merry Katherine began to overtake Tommy as she would have been right alongside, in the thick of the playful action with them… He said he had felt tears threatening to come to the surface, so he had left abruptly to go "get gas for the car," and then returned to get me so that we could leave as soon as possible.

Yes, our Traumatic Grief goes along with us wherever we might go, and it often demands to make its presence known.

Those close to me could detect there was something wrong. "He's grieving... he's sad... he can't get over it..."

But they didn't know it was more than that. I was in freefall in every moment. I was in the dark every day.

I was in fear - fear that the unbearable pain could get worse.

~Benjamin Allen

Graphics, thanks to
The Afterloss / Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/TheAfterloss/photos/a.450467991747451.1073741828.447234425404141/506370096157240/?type=1&permPage=1

https://www.facebook.com/TheAfterloss/photos/a.450467991747451.1073741828.447234425404141/506996909427892/?type=1&permPage=1

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Since I Lost My Baby ~Luther Vandross / Blessed Veterans' Day!

That dreaded moment when you lose your loved one

the worst heartache you will ever feel with them gone

your whole world comes crashing down around you

You become very depressed; you feel your life is through

feelings of hopelessness feeling dreadfully alone and sd

Sleepless nights unable to eat, panic attacks feeling very bad

Waling around in a world of your own not knowing what to do

hiding away wanting to be alone unable to believe it's true

Crying all the time, confused, unable to think straight

Dark lonely nights by yourself; staying up very late

Losing interest in daily activities; staying away from friends

and family feeling as if your heartache will never end

Everything changes from your job, money, nothing but stress

In the grip of depression nothing but overwhelming loneliness

Christmases birthdays holidays anniversaries all gone

Grief! This is what it is like when you lose your loved one.

~Debbie Bellis

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Since I Lost My Baby

~Luther Vandross

~

Blessed Veterans' Day!

Since I Lost My Baby

~Luther Vandross

The sun is shinin', there's plenty of light

A new day is dawnin', sunny and bright

But after I've been cryin' all night

The sun is cold, and the new day seems old

Since I lost my baby

Oh, since I lost my baby, ooh

The birds are singin' and the children are playin'

There's plenty of work and the bosses are payin'

Not a sad word should a young heart be sayin'

But fun is a bore and with money I'm poor

Since I lost my baby

(Since I lost my baby)

Oh, since I lost my baby, my baby

(My baby, my baby)

Next time I'll be kinder to my baby

Won't you please help me find her

(Just help me to find my girl)

Someone just remind her

(Someone just remind her)

(Someone just remind her)

Of this love she left behind her

'Til I find her I'll be tryin' ta

('Til I find her I'll be tryin' ta)

Everyday I'm growin' kinder, kinder,

Been tryin' ta, been tryin' ta...

Find her, to find her, ta

Been trying to find my baby

Find her, been tryin' ta find my baby

(Baby)

I've been looking everywhere

(My baby)

Yeah, baby, I really, really care, I care, I care

My determination is fading fast, so fast, so fast

Inspiration is a thing of the past, oh

I can't see how my hope's gonna last

But good things are bad (so bad)

and what's happy is sad, so sad, so sad

I'm sad, so sad, so sad

Since I lost my baby

(Since I lost my girl)

Oh, since I lost my baby

(Since I lost my baby)

I feel so bad

(Gotta find that girl, I've got to find my girl)

I'm really so sad, Yeah

(Since I lost my, since I lost my, my, my, my, my baby)

Cause everything 

(Gotta find that girl, I've got to find my girl)

I feel so sad

(Since I lost my, since I lost my, my, my, my, my baby)

I know I got to, ooooh

I know without you

(Gotta find that girl, I've got to find my girl)

My baby

(Since I lost my baby)

What's gonna happen to me

I don't know, I don't know

What I'm gonna do now, no, no, no

I don't know

Since I lost my baby, yeah

I don't know, I don't know

What to do without my girl, my girl, my girl

I don't know

Since I lost my baby, yeah

(Don't know, Don't know)

I can't find her nowhere,

Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, oh no

(Since I lost my baby)

Oh no

I can't find her nowhere, 

Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, oh no

(I don't know, I don't know)

(Since I lost my baby)

Yeah, I can't find her nowhere

Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere

(I don't know, I don't know)

(Since I lost my baby)

I can't find her nowhere

Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere

(I don't know)

(Since I lost my baby, yeah)

I can't find her nowhere

Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere

(I don't know)

(Since I lost my baby, yeah)

(I don't know, I don't know)

I can't find her nowhere

Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere

~~~~~

And, with special Thank You's on this Veterans' Day... 

May each of you have a Blessed Veterans' Day!

"Grieving" Picture, thanks to "Death of a Loved One"




Picture, thanks to The Compassionate Friends
Video: http://youtu.be/xPmOXIE-6gs

Friday's Faith - Grief's Cry

Friday's Faith

Grief's Cry

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse

everything I know of You,

From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,

including Mount Mizar.

Chaos calls to chaos,

to the tune of whitewater rapids.

Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers

crash and crush me.

Then GOD promises to love me all day,

sing songs all through the night!

My life is God's prayer.

Psalm 42:8

~The Message

We need language to tell us who we are, how we feel, what we're capable of---to explain the pains and glory of our existence.

~Maya Angelou

Grief's Cry

Agitated, irritable, striking out it seems,

Feeling~inside~I'm falling apart at the seams.

Angry at anyone, and yet really at no one,

Aggravated most of all: today, my anger won.

What is this angst about, and how did it come on?

At one point, my heart so content, but then it, my grief did own:

"You cannot live out normal days;

For now, you're groped by Grief's daft daze."

Hopeless my daunting mood to break,

I lie down merely hours before Daybreak;

Too wound-up to sleep, I lie here wide awake,

Fearful I am attending, for "normal life," a wake…

(Alack, alas, keep loved ones away, I pray,

Unless by insidious meanness, them, I start to prey.)

Dear God in Heaven, please break through,

My heart, so peeved, my life, it threw.

I don't want any beloved ones to see

How DARK life is in the depths of Grief's Stark Sea.

Hold my heart, whisper words of love down;

Hide me gently underneath Your feathers' gentle down,

(For only Love can melt this hardened shell of mine)

And fill it full of Treasures from God's Infinite Love's Own Mine,

Treasures that include Your deep, and sweet, abiding peace

That gently reassembles, in my heart, each broken piece,

Once split apart by Death's own crushing grate,

Until I can be rewoven by Your Own Soothing Love so Great!

Cleanse my heart, and break it, then make it completely new

By my Loving Savior God that I once (and ever) knew.

Poem - Grief's Cry - Angie Bennett Prince - 10/18/2012 3:30 - 4:30 a.m.

In response to my poem above, my husband's therapeutic and kind response to me, knowing our post-Child-Loss state:

We are still learning how our lives now function: (I am still learning) whether I can deal with certain things or not; I am still discovering what I can and cannot deal with amidst Child-Loss Grief.

~Tommy Prince

Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mother - Jill Compton, and "Wings of Hope-Living Forward" via Jill Compton

Friday's Faith - Come, Sweet Comforter

Friday's Faith

Come, Sweet Comforter

Could it be Your will as it was for Your Son...

"To crush (me) and cause (me) to suffer"

Under the weight of this burden of grief

After losing my child, my little one?

And though not the death, but the number of days,

That were set for my child, my precious one~

Could these be a part of Your Heavenly ways?

If this be Your path, if t'were Your path, then I dare not shun...

But God, how to live with this heavy heart

That grieves every day since she did depart~

How do I live, even though I die

When the life was cut down of "the apple of my eye"?

Only You ~Divine Creator~ can create a path

Through these ruins that lie beneath Death's crater;

For it seems this darkness threatens to overtake,

Living in this, The Shadow, of the Vile One's wrath.

"Even the darkness is not dark to You

As the night will shine like the day

For darkness is as light to You."

I look to You Lord, to light up my way,

Sprinkled with Grace as though refined by fire

As I walk everyday in the muck of Death's mire,

For it's only in the crucible that You meet us in the fire,

And in the crucible of the Crucifix, only You can show the way...

Come to me Lord; hold me close to Your heart,

For my heart forever breaks since my baby did part...

Come, sweet Comforter, come ~Please come~

Hold me in Your arms; take me safely through the Shadow,

Guide me all the way Home.

~~~~~

Isaiah 53:10 NIV

Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes His life a guilt offering, He will see His offspring and prolong His days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in His hand.

Psalm 139:15-16 NIV

My frame was not hidden from You

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in Your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:11-12 NIV

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to You;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to You.

Zechariah 2:8 Douay-Rheims Bible

For thus saith the Lord of hosts: After the glory he hath sent me to the nations that have robbed you: for he that toucheth you, toucheth the apple of my eye:

Psalm 17:8

Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings...

Isaiah 40:11b NIV

He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to his heart;

Poem - Come, Sweet Comforter - Angie Bennett Prince - 7/22/2012

Tuesday's Trust - A Grieving Mother's "Day Off"

Tuesday's Trust

A Grieving Mother's "Day Off"

It's a day off ~ you'd think I'd have no cares.

I go to sleep ~ awaken to nightmares...

You needed help ~ there was no help I'd find;

I saw the one ~ who'd always helped... was blind.

Is this my life ~ suspended in mid-air?

What is my crime? For you, I'll always care.

A mommy's love ~ should soothe your hurts away.

But when I look ~ I see you've gone away.

Your heart's at rest ~ may that sink in, I pray.

My God knows best ~ He holds you close today.

Your mommy tried ~ she couldn't reach your heart.

And now you've died ~ and now we are apart.

I guess you know ~ you're always in my heart.

I'll see you soon ~ Would someone tell my heart?

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch

Wednesday's Woe Mourning Song: Where Do We Go Now, Sweet child o' mine? ~by Angie Bennett Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Mourning Song:

Where Do We Go Now, Sweet child o' mine?

~by Angie Bennett Prince

inspired after hearing Sheryl Crow's song, "Sweet Child O' Mine"

"Sweet child o' mine

Sweet love of mine,

"Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go

Sweet child o' mine?"

Where do we go, child?

Where do we go now?

For no one wants to hear...

But we still miss you anyhow.

Your smile lit up our days

Made life... light up like the sky

Oh to "see" your face

Makes me mourn for those precious days,

And it leaves me wondering why...

"Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go

Sweet child o' mine?"

Where do we go child?

Where do we go now?

Where do those... the "mad-at-God," go?

No one wants to hear it anyhow...

"Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go

Sweet child o' mine?"

Where do we go child?

Where do we go now?

Where do we, the "hurt-with-God," go...

Crying out every time, as on our knees we bow...?

"Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go

Sweet child o' mine?"

Where do we go child?

Where do we go now?

Our lives have stopped

For our hearts e'er pine...

"Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go

Sweet child o' mine?

"Sweet child o' mine

Sweet love of mine

"Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go

Sweet child o' mine?"

Only our God knows,

Save us Lord Divine,

As we ever miss her, this...

Sweet child o' mine...

Sweet love o' mine...

O save us, Lord Divine!

O Lord,

Into Your arms we fly,

O save us till we die!

For ev'ryday feels like we're dying on the vine...

O save us, Lord Divine!

Where do we go?

Into Your arms divine,

As we miss this sweet child o' mine.

Where do we go

But into Your arms

We're a dry branch on the Vine.

O save us Lord, Our Vine.

Picture: Thanks to Grieving Mothers

Poem - Mourning Song: Where Do We Go Now, Sweet child o' mine? - Angie Bennett Prince - 12/5/2011

Wednesday's Woe - Never-Ending Endings

Wednesday's Woe

Never-Ending Endings

Dreams, Nightmares: The Great ReEnactors

Of what would have been, should have been, or could...

More potent than nuclear reactors,

Re-living that last day when before him she stood...

For days after, you can count on it:

It awakens the angst of the tiger caged,

And yet this tiger's disabled to "pounce" on it,

Tasered by the agony that won't be assuaged.

Trying to let your daughter grow up,

Excited as she is to make decisions on her own,

Yet knowing her "dream" could be her "last cup,"

Checkmates the king ~ paralyzed to move to his throne.

You'd be "damned" if you do, "damned" if you don't,

Pushing your point home could push her away,

Yet, facing the fright: she might not come home...

If you can't have your father's rightful say...

Amidst the travail of the father's dilemma,

The daughter bounces into the room,

Leans over to hug and to kiss him,

Hoping her excitement will banish his gloom.

Unable to move from his paralyzed place,

He embraces his child as she last kisses his face...

pictures thanks to fotosearch.com

Poem - Never-Ending Endings - Angie Bennett Prince - 5/3/2011