Saturday's Sayings - Please Don't Tell Me... ~When Friends and Family Don't Understand Child-Loss Grief

Saturday's Sayings

Please Don't Tell Me...

~When Friends and Family Don't Understand Child-Loss Grief

“ . . . I could not shake off my grief, although it had been nearly four years since you died . . . I didn’t know that the sadness is never entirely gone; it lives on forever just below the skin. Without it I wouldn’t be who I am, or be able to recognize myself in the mirror. . . . I was as active as always and few people suspected my state of mind, but deep in my soul I was moaning. I developed a taste for solitude; I wanted only to be with my family; people bothered me, my friends were reduced to three or four. I was spent.”

~Isabel Allende in The Sum of Our Days 2008

*****

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,

Unless you have lost your child too,

Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,

Because that is just not true,

Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,

Though it is true, I want him here with me,

Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,

Beyond today I cannot see,

Don't tell me it is time to move on,

Because I cannot,

Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,

Because denial is something I can't stop,

Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,

Because I wanted more,

Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,

I'll never be as I was before,

What you can tell me is you will be here for me,

That you will listen when I talk of my child,

You can share with me my precious memories,

You can even cry with me for a while,

And please don't hesitate to say his name,

Because it is something I long to hear everyday,

Friend please realize that I can never be the same,

But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

~Author Unknown

*****

Don't Tell Me...

please dont tell me not to cry

please dont say there was a reason why

you dont know what i am feeling

or how much i hurt

the wet spots are from tears on the collar of my shirt

you think i should go on with life

forget about it and be strong

but deep down i am sad and i dont want to go along

i dont expect you to understand why

for no apparent reason i break down and start to cry

my life has changed forever you see

and that is why i am not acting like the same ole me

so please dont try to act like nothing happened

because its changed my life forever i will never be the same again

not today

not tomorrow

but never again

the best thing you can do for me is just be there just like always

be my friend

cause my broken heart will never mend.♥

~Author Unknown

Picture - thanks to Grieving Mothers

Poems - thanks to Grieving Mothers

Sorrow...love's legacy picture ~thanks to TeriAnn Sargent

Part Two - How Can a Friend Come Alongside You in Grief?

How Can a Friend Come Alongside You in Grief?
Part Two

Part Two of my letter to Vicki about how to help us grieving parents in our grief:



Dearest Vicki, (continued)

…That is why I thank you so much, because

your tenderness is a rare “commodity” in this world, even in this Christian-world, believe-it-or-not!

I think many of our churches have dished out too much “prosperity gospel,” so that when someone IS completely flat on his/her back, the spoon-fed Christians get intimidated with the lack of “quick success” out from under the turmoil.

So they choose to get mad at us victims instead of reaching out to love us "in it"!

I think they want us to hurry up and get over our grief so THEY won’t have to feel bad. AND if we would hurry up and get over it, THEY could continue to tell themselves, “Yup, there’s Victory in Jesus; he really is an insurance policy for having-a-life-that-is-always-‘peachy-keen’!”





Hebrews 11* makes it clear that ALL those wonderful children of the faith, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, etc. (despite the fact that they were the devoted, faithful followers of God here on this earth)

1) "did not receive the things promised" this side of Heaven,


2) but "they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance . . .


3) (while) they were longing for a better country -- a heavenly one."





That "always-peachy-keen-life" expectation some have is downright cult-like thinking because our Lord warned many times that



1) We will suffer,


2) We will have trouble here, **


3) We are to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith,


4) But like Him we can endure our cross (giving a slight clue, that yes it will be painful, very painful), while


5) We are to hold on to the joy that will come – some day. ***


(Sorry, thanks for letting me “preach-it-sister!”)




So, Vicki, please rest assured, you do not have any of those toxic features to your comfort:

1) You are not cold-hearted toward us nor our precious child,


2) You are not crass regarding our child who is very near and dear to our hearts,


3) And you are well aware that there's a lot in a grieving-mother's-world that you would have no way of understanding without going through it yourself (God forbid!).


4) That’s very healthy of you in my opinion, that you are well aware of your limitations in the situation,


5) YET you don't let those limitations intimidate you into silence;


6) You just love-us-where-we-are, pray for us, then reach out and lovingly touch us in our pain.



You have no idea how incredibly healing that touching-us-in-our-pain is.



It’s like we grieving parents are living in a lepers’ colony of sorts, and someone lovingly dares to enter our colony, look into our eyes, see our brokenness, yet reaches out and touches us anyway.



It is an unbelievable phenomenon that when a person lovingly risks touching my pain, as heavy as my load is, it feels like that person has reached out and helped me carry the pain awhile. It actually lifts my load awhile! It has that kind of impact.



So thank you again, sweet sister! Much love and thankfulness for you!


Angie


**John 16:33

33"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."



*Hebrews 11:13-14, 16

13All these were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.

14People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own….

16Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.


***Hebrews 12:1-3

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In Honor Of

Another Precious
"Twitter Friend"
who ministers to me

Victoria Thomas Gaines
Vicki's Blog: "Light for the Writer's Soul"
http://victoriagaines.com/

http://victoriagaines.com/
http://oloferla.deviantart.com/art/Her-sadness-50508172

http://www.advancedphotoshop.co.uk/show_image.php?imageID=5685

How Can a Friend Come Alongside You In Grief?

How Can a Friend Come Alongside You in Grief?

Below is a portion of a letter sent to me by a precious "Twitter Friend," Vicki.



Dearest Angie, Thank you for such a beautiful note and prayer; I really appreciate it and love hearing from you. I usually feel grossly inadequate to know how to respond to someone in grief, and yet you're always so gracious to me. I find it hard to face the thought of losing any of my own children or grandchildren - but when I do, I think of you and Merry Katherine, and how unfair it all seems.

How can a friend like me come alongside you? ....

I will answer Vicki's letter in two parts. Today's post is Part One:



Dearest Vicki, Thank you! I always love hearing from you too. You are always so gentle, tender, and edifying. . . . I think the main negative thing one could say or imply that would get under my skin would be along the lines of

"You need to be over it! Don't you have God?! Then you need to be over it!"

That expectation is totally unrealistic and out-of-touch as it has absolutely nothing to do with any parents' reality of their living nightmare that haunts them daily.

It also drops a load of expectation on you that you can in-no-way measure up to. So, now add to your grief this unrealistic expectation that now adds

you're-a-failure-as-a-Christian-if-you-can't-get-over-it nonsense

to pile onto your burden of grief that was already-too-heavy-to-bear!



So, it's really pretty simple - when people speak down to me from their "Ivory Tower" ("Church-Steeple Ivory Tower"?) of naivete, happiness, and intact-family-ness to say, "You just need to come on up here with US (into happy land again) and put your pain behind you," it is painful.

But if they can climb down into MY PAIN, even if just a little bit, to COME ALONGSIDE for a moment like Jesus did, that is what is sweet and helpful.

(I am thankful Jesus didn't just yell down to us from Heaven and say, "You just need to get up here with US!")



I love the words of Diane Langberg, a wonderful Christian psychologist up in Pennsylvania who teaches how Christians can minister to those going through pain, grief, or trauma:



"We are to be like Jesus:

1) We must first leave glory. (No preaching down at anybody with our "advice.")

2) We must "become little." (We must be as humble as a child.)

3) We must "enter the darkness." (We must climb into the griever's painful darkness.)


4) We must bear the character of the Father, full of Grace and Truth.


5) We must not abandon those in need.


6) We must not lose our perspective and allow our thinking to be distorted.


7) The body of Christ must choose to be a sanctuary to the hurting."



By coming into our pain with us and loving us where we really are, Jesus demonstrates to us His love and compassion that starts the healing process that helps to put us back together again!


As Diane says,

"You cannot 'instruct' a person out of their grief and trauma. You must climb into it with them, and let them teach you what it is like."

And that is what you do, Vicki! You are very kind; you know at some level that I am living in a kind of hell - a parent's absolute worst nightmare, a very complicated grief.

And you come alongside and show the sweet love and compassion of Jesus and THAT is always needed, and I can always respond to that sweetness!

So thank you!







To be Continued . . .

In Honor Of

Another Precious
"Twitter Friend"

Victoria Thomas Gaines
Vicki's Blog: "Light for the Writer's Soul"
http://victoriagaines.com/

http://victoriagaines.com/

http://www.advancedphotoshop.co.uk/show_image.php?imageID=5685