Wednesday's Woe - That Lurking Pain…

Wednesday's Woe

That Lurking Pain…

In Child-Loss Grief, the emotional pain is always just below the surface, and you cannot always be sure when it will pop through the surface. And you cannot be sure exactly what shape such grief will take, and whether it will take on a life of its own that may very well disrupt what you are doing in the here-and-now.

There are many types of Self-Care Preventive measures to take to ensure your resilience is building such that the deep pain of your grief is not quite as likely to break through at an undesirable time:

• Staying away from toxic people

• Getting enough exercise

• Meditation

• Relaxation

• Emotional support from people who understand our grief

• Eating right

• Getting enough sleep

• Providing time for your grief to surface and be processed

But even with all manner of self-care preventive measures in place and acted upon, it cannot always ensure that the pain of the child-loss grief still might not break through the surface at some of the worst possible times.

Even time doesn't necessarily take care of this resurgence of erupting pain as we have observed parents breaking down upon talking about their children at The Compassionate Friends groups even though it had been 15, 20, or 25 years or more after having lost their child...

Picture: http://www.jostimages.com/details/sharks/great-white-shark-fin/00015616/Great-White-Shark-dorsal-fin-on-the-water-surface.html

Saturday's Sayings - Paralyzed in Time in Child-Loss Grief and Trauma

Saturday's Sayings

Paralyzed in Time

in Child-Loss Grief and Trauma

"I have lived in the shadow of loss — the kind of loss that can paralyze a life, forever.

I have grieved like a professional mourner — with every waking moment, draining every ounce of life-force.

I have died — without leaving my body. I came back — and now it’s your turn.

I have learned to remember my past — without living in it...."

~Grieving Mothers

*****

"It is frequently said that the grief of a Grieving Mother is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting.....children are not supposed to die. These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, Grieving parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died. Grieving parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child...."

~Grieving Mothers

******

• 

  
  

• Time plays games on the mind of a heart that has been broken.
• (for Samuel Oct. 20, 1977-Sept. 29, 1998)

• a spit in the ocean of time
• was it just yesterday that i saw you last
• you were smiling, your blue eyes bright
• when was it, i can't remember
• maybe in a dream last night
• i don't know where time does go
• somewhere beyond the sun
• away away on the wind it flies
• then another day is done
• i don't want to think too very hard
• for it brings me to my knees
• so many years to miss you
• oh god please help me please
• sometimes the pain feels so very new
• as though time has just stood still
• and i look so hard to see you
• but know i never will
• but just the same your spirit lives
• in the wind, the moon and the stars
• you may fly by me and touch my cheek
• and soften my heart of scars
• the cord of love still ties us
• firstborn child of mine
• and as the years pass between us
• i know, it is just a spit in the ocean of time

• ~by renee williams

*****

• 
  
• 
  
• Dear Mom,
  
  I know this is a rough time for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be.
  .
  First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only.
  .
  Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently & yearn for my return. Do this with courage & my blessings.
  .
  Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me & renewing your commitments to life. It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours & even days not thinking about me. I know that you'll never forget. Loosening me & grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.
  .
  Be with people who accept you as you are.
  .
  Mention my name out loud, & if they don't make a hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship. If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything that you could have done for me & didn't, I forgive you, as my Lord does.
  .
  Resentment does not abide here, only love. You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I'm still yours & you are still my Mom.
  .
  Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as your child honors me. Read, even though your tears anoint the page.
  .
  There is an immense library here & I have a card. In Henri Nowens' (sic) "Out of Solitude" he writes, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair & confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief & bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, & face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
  .
  Mom, I don't know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is His voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am. I want you to know that I am okay.
  .
  I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices & visions & sometimes through your friends & even strangers who volunteer as angels.
  .
  Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic :) You will get what you need & it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.
  .
  Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, & if they have done their work, are an inspiration & a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically & one more wisdom before I close. There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter. That, too, will come in due time. Today, I light a candle for you. Joined with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness.
  .
  Affectionately,
  Your Loving Angel child.
  Anthony xoxo

~Anthony Shallo-Gloria Mejia Drobney

*****

Honor, Express, Learn and Practice or better known as H • E • L • P™


Honor your emotions and feelings. Acknowledging and validating them is the first step towards awareness. They are real and you are normal. Remember emotions and feelings ebb and flow.

Express and experience your emotions, feelings and thoughts. It is a rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns. Expressing eases the pain and begins the process of healing. Crying, journaling, writing, listening to music, art, talking to someone, support groups are some ways that you can express and experience your emotions.

Learn how to raise your awareness, to cope and take responsibility and action for healing yourself.

Practice awareness, coping strategies, action and positive thoughts to create new possibilities in your life. Be patient grief has no timeline.

~Bonni Rubinstein

*****

"Don't"

~written by Joanetta Hendel:

Don't tell me that you understand,

Don't tell me that you know...

Don't tell me that I will surely survive,

How I will surely grow...

Don't tell me this is just a test,

That I am truly blessed...

That I am chosen for the task,

Apart from all the rest...

Don't come at me with answers,

That can only come from me...

Don't tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free...

Don't stand in pious judgment,

Of the bonds that I must untie...

Don't tell me how to suffer,

And don't tell me how to cry...

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see...

But I need you, I need your love,

Unconditionally...

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share...

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care"...

~contributed by The Compassionate Friends/USA

Comments to "Don't":

~‎20 yrs later, and this still holds true~

(~KG)

~THERE IS NO TIME FOR US. IT FOREVER UNTIL WE ARE HOME WITH OUR CHILD~ (~L.S.)

~Hugs to all!!! I'm going to read this at my next parent's grief group..I will be sure to give the author credit. Everyone's grief is their own. No one can tell us how, or why, or when or if it's going to end. We are all now different people, whose worlds have changed, and will never be the same again.~

(~TG)

~ I was going to post this as my status but then saw that I had put it in a "note" on my wall back in February, the 3 year anniversary of my daughter's murder. It still holds true today as we continually have people tell us how we should be coping with (her) death. If I were brave enough, I would tattoo this on my forehead to that others would stop and read it before speaking.~

(~SGC)

~So very true. My 30 year old son, Matt, has been gone almost 5 years, and my emotions are still raw. I still can hardly get through many days. Most people don't understand, and really, they can't understand. No one understands unless they live this nightmare....~

(~SD)

~I really like this and can identify... This poem by Joanetta Hendel reflects the desperation that is also a part of grief in social (sic) relating to others, so I do understand.~

(~GS)

~This is what I needed for today and everyday after. I wish all of my "friends" could read this so when I cry I can stop hearing "it's going to be ok" when it is not.~

(~NDW)

~This poem pretty much says it all for the surreal, raw emotions we have to endure for a lifetime!!~

(~J.W.)

~ I totally agree, for me and I'm sure many of you feel the same way when I say that the worst thing imaginable has taken place with the death of a child, nothing, and I mean nothing comes close. From here on out everything else will just pale in comparison. ~

(~GRM)

~ I lost both sons four months apart. Don't tell me time will heal me....~

(~KWY)

~My best friend kept telingl me "don't feel guilty" "don't be sad, remember the good things." "Your daughter wouldn't want you to feel this way" I love my friend dearly, I finally had to say to her. "I love you, and pray to God, that you never feel what I feel. Because, only then will you know and understand what I feel, and I never want you to know this intense pain. "She looked me and said "I now get it, I will never know unless I walk in your shoes." I wish more people would have gotten it, I became resentful of all of those well meaning words. I talked less and less of my daughter, my true feelings. It deeply effected many relationships with friends and family.~

(~KWB)

~Just the right words. I have isolated myself due to the fact he people just don't understand me now.~

(~FBS)

~time never heels (sic) ~

(~JLG)

~Truer words were never spoken. We have two children in Heaven and we know... ~

(~BW)

~I have been going through this lately with people who stand judgement with what I "should" be doing or not doing. People who aren't going through this have absolutely NO understanding of what it is like.....their kids are fine and here....they still get their "tomorrows"...all I have left of my angel are yesterdays and they really hurt!! I just want people to just be here for me with no lectures, no talking behind my back; just hold my hand or give me a hug. It's that simple.~

(~CD)

~It's been 20 months since I lost my 18 yr old son. People go on with their own lives and forget that it's not that easy for a grieving parent. I sometimes feel they forget that I'm still so sad. I try to put a smile on face to make them feel comfortable. I just wished that they would just hug me and say ,"I know you are still so sad and that I love you".~

(~SBC)

~Oh how I feel every word of this. Thank you for posting it. Making it step by step stumble by stumble ♥~

(~CPR)

~It is something that no one really understands unless they have been there....an emptiness you carry with you always.~

(~DA)

~A heart wrenching description of how it feels to when our children pass away before we do. Life as we knew it will NEVER be the same but hopefully all of us make it through it.~

(~DSS)

~Wonderful poem that gives words to our feelings of loneliness in our grief.~

(~FN)

~"Beautiful, but so few are willing to accept us as we are."

• Almost 12 years since my beautiful baby boy... died, my grief is different, yet I am not, nor have I been accepted in my "new normal" To the PEOPLE in my life, get a clue I will NEVER be who I was... NEVER!!! Just as I was never the same after he was born... so why would I be or even why should I be the same after his death...~
• (~BHZ)

Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mothers, and Our Angels

Saturday's Sayings - What "IT" Is

• 
  

• Saturday's Sayings
  
  
  What "IT" Is
  
  
  
  
  
  It's been a year, you should be over it. What exactly is "IT"? But do people who have never suffered loss really know what "IT" is? To us, the bereaved...
  
  "IT" is five days after the funeral, and your world caves in with reality of the loss.
• 
  "IT" is Thanksgiving Day, trying to find something to be thankful for.
• 
  "IT" is Christmas without the merry, and New Years without the happy.
• 
  "IT" is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
• 
  "IT" is their birthday, but there is no them to celebrate.
• 
  "IT" is Valentine's Day, only this time no hearts and flowers to share with them, and your heart is broken.
• 
  "IT" is your birthday, and there is still no them to celebrate it with.
• 
  "IT" is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
• 
  "IT" is Easter and everyone is singing "Let us Rejoice and be Glad" but there is no rejoicing and no glad in your heart.
• 
  "IT" is Mother's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a mother made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
• 
  "IT" is Father's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a Father made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
• 
  "IT" is the 4th of July and the celebrations remind you just how little you feel you have to celebrate now.
• 
  "IT" is vacation time and you just stay home, because there is nowhere to go to not feel so empty.
• 
  "IT" is Halloween and you pass out candy, but you remember all the memories of past happy times together and make you sad.
• 
  "IT" is seeing milestones in your life progress and pass and your loved one is gone, never to share them with.
• 
  "IT" is looking at the moon and wondering if they see the same moon like the two of you always did in the past.
• 
  "IT" is receiving the first wedding invitation to their friend's wedding and knowing that life goes on without your loved one.
• 
  
• "IT" is going back into that church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are on you.
• 
  "IT" is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
• 
  "IT" is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things you had hoped to do together, and doing it all when all of your energy has been used for grieving.
• 
  "IT" is being strong when you really feel weak.
• 
  "IT" is dealing with all the legality of estates and such when all you want to do is hibernate.
• 
  "IT" is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn't ask for, didn't want and can't even give away.
• 
  "IT" is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with their name or even face. and it hits you in the face that THlS IS REAL!
• 
  "IT" is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of their personal belongings.
• 
  "IT" is approaching the first anniversary of their death and reliving it all-oh yes, some things might be better but the void is no less.
• 
  "IT" is people forgetting and you cry, and people remembering and you cry.
• 
  "IT" is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness.
• 
  
• "IT" is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams ...
• 
  
• 
  So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over "IT" by now, you should just tell them what "IT" really is!

~Grieving Mothers

• 
  
• 
• ~Grieving Mothers

Picture, and Content, thanks to Grieving Mothers on Facebook

Saturday's Sayings - Why We Grieve

Saturday's Sayings

Why We Grieve

"Failure to mourn impairs a life. Most people's problems with mourning are not caused by compounded losses; their problems are caused by other people's desires to get mourning over with. Family, friends, and medical staff want accommodation of the loss as quickly as possible. Only through mourning can we find a life on the other side of loss. We need to grieve losses and find people who will accept that grieving. To grieve well is to value what you have lost."

~Arthur Frank, At the Will of the Body

*****

Many of us wind up having, "delayed grief" and all of us want to avoid that. Delayed grief comes when you do not allow yourself the time to feel your pain and work through it. You learn to stuff it down while it still eats at your insides and even years later comes out as more pain then you had in the beginning. It is like starting all over again and it shocks you and is so painful when these feeling resurface. We will always carry our grief with us but how we learn to cope or not cope with it is up to us.

It is extremely important to vent your emotions. Some people carry an impression that they must be strong and always in control, and therefore suppress their feelings and do not allow themselves to grieve the loss of a loved one. These people are the ones that get hit the hardest in the long run. There is an old oriental proverb that “strong trees fall hard”. Grief is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. If your emotions are not released through words, tears and apprehensions, they are bound to find other ways for release. That can prove to be very detrimental to your emotional wellness and physical health.

So cry it out, talk it out.. BUT get it out!

~Grieving Mothers (Facebook)

*****

The following was provided by

Mickey Fisher, Facebook

and written by Tammy Brown

Letter to my friends & family

A very good friend of mine wrote this to her family and friends after her precious son was killed in an auto accident a month before his 18th birthday. I have used this many times and some people do learn from it. I'm sure there are people here who will want to pass it along to their friends & family. People just don't get it and need to be told.

~Mickey Fisher

Letter to my friends & family

For those of you who believe you could lose your child tomorrow and still be who you are today:

Before you read this post, please understand that I am not referring to ALL parents who have not lost a child. I am referring to certain friends and family members of myself and my support group members who, no matter how hard we try to avoid, continually search us out only to tell us how to grieve the loss of our child.

These people say things that are hurtful to us and continually try to counsel us with a tough love approach based on what they believe should be, even though they have not lost one of their children.

Every bereaved parent I know, (and I know many) including myself, have at least one and in most cases several of these people in our lives, from friends and family members to clergy, doctors and even counselors.

I have a very strong personality and pull no punches when it comes to telling these people exactly what they can do with their "advice" and "counseling". However, many of my bereaved friends have a much harder time dealing with these people.

This blog is for those of you (and you know who you are) who believe you could lose your child tomorrow and still be who you are today. It is for those of you who do not understand that we do not choose when the sorrow will overtake us, and the tears will begin to fall. It is for those of you who believe you could schedule your grief to a set amount of time, wake up one magical morning, be over the death of your child and then just get on with the rest of your life.

It is also for those of you who continually say the stupidest and most uncaring things. It is for those of you who just do not stop and think before you speak. It is for those of you who look at the death of our children as nothing more than an everyday inconvenience.

And yes, these people do exist. Unfortunately, I am family with a few of them and used to be friends with a few more...

A few weeks ago, someone told me that the pain will go away with time, be strong and don't let it get me down. This person based her statement on her own experience of losing her mother...

A friend or two has told me I should not be thinking about up-coming marker dates yet when there are still two months to go... She said, “You can't be dwelling on it. You need to be concentrating on other things instead.”

These women are mothers.

These are only two of the many things that bereaved parents are told about grieving the loss of their child from people who really are clueless to the pain and sorrow of a lost parent.

In response to those who have not lost their child yet believe they could and would grieve a certain way, at certain times, would schedule it around their lives and ultimately get over it and move on, I wrote the following:

Time moves on. It always has and it forever will.

What you do not understand, is that a lost parent does not move on with time. Like an antique watch, whose owner forgot to wind it and its gears ground to a halt, a lost parent stops at that moment in time, however, no winding will ever begin the gears turning again.

Nature, and the cycle of life, prepares you for the death of your grandparents, your parents, aunts and uncles and even siblings and partners. Nature, along with the cycle of life, says that time stands still for no one and naturally we live, learn, love, grow old and ultimately die. This is natural and expected and so we are somewhat prepared. This is life and everyone dies

Everyone but your child...

The cycle of life says that a child buries their parent. Period. Even though children die everyday, still, it only happens to others, not to me, not to mine. Your heart says it is an impossibility. And even after the impossible has happened, your heart and mind refuse to accept it. Why? Because it is not natural. It is not a normal part of the cycle of life.

Do we not create our children? Do we not physically and even emotionally create our children? Are they not true, physical extensions of our own being? How do you think you could possibly go on and be the same as you were if half of yourself is dead?

Why is it so hard for some parents who have not lost a child to understand? Why do some of you insist on pretending you know and can relate to what we are going through and what we feel? Why do you assume you would act any differently? Why is it so easy for you to assume that we can and should just get over it and move on? How can you believe that it is even possible let alone probable?

If you have a bereaved parent in your life and you believe that he or she needs to get over it and move on after a little bit of time has passed, please do something for them:

Look at your child today. Stop what you are doing and thinking and take a moment to really look at your child, no matter how old or how young they are.

Close your eyes and imagine, really and completely imagine, never again for as long as you live seeing their beautiful face, their incredible smile, the mystery in their eyes. Imagine, never again, not for as long as you breathe wrapping your arms around them and giving them a hug. Imagine, really think about it and imagine, never, not even if you live to be one hundred years old, never again hearing the music of their voice say, "I love you mom" or "I love you dad."

Try, really try to image planning your child's funeral and then standing there next to a gaping hole dug into the Earth while your child's casket sits there waiting to be lowered into it and then buried.

Really try to picture yourself in a cemetery, kneeling over your child’s grave on Mother's or Father's Day, talking to and kissing a headstone that lies over your child's Earthly vessel.

And for those of you who believe that our dead children are in a better place, answer this one question to yourself and answer it honestly:

If it were possible, would you trade your child for one of ours because they are in such a better place?

I personally do not find even the tiniest bit of comfort in that thought, and it is not because I do not believe in God! It is because my child was just beginning his/her life. He/she was young, healthy, happy and just starting to live life. There was still sooooo very much he/she had to experience and he/she was just on the verge of spreading his/her wings and flying.

Please do not expect a bereaved parent to magically wake up one morning and be returned to the person they once were. It cannot and will not happen. It is an impossibility.

I met a friend last week who lost his son TEN years ago. His words to me were this, "We are heading into our tenth year without Jason but it is still as raw today as it was then. It never gets easier."

Do not think you would know what to do with, or just exactly how you would handle, the pain and sorrow of being a lost parent. Even those of us who belong to this horrid, unwanted club do not know these things. We just do our best to get to the next moment, and that is all we need to do...

~Tammy Brown (Larry's mom),

edited slightly to make it a general letter rather than her own personal one.

Picture thanks to Grieving Mothers, Facebook

Thank you to Arthur Frank, Grieving Mother, Mickey Fisher, and Tammy Brown for your contributions!