Wednesday's Woe - Avoiding the Blues While Playing the Blues... ~Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Avoiding the Blues While Playing the Blues...

~Tommy Prince

I find myself being guarded about tonight. I am in a new band and am having a great time playing with all professionals. In our blues band, we have two guitar players, a bass player, a keyboard player, and myself, the drummer; all of us are very experienced in club playing. I want to be excited about our first gig tonight, but… 

There is a guardedness about approaching things toward which I used to have such an ease.  

It's as though I've lost that comfort of knowing what to expect in situations, and even what to expect out of my own body and emotions. 

For example, tonight I go to play in a club for the first time in three years. The last time I played in a club, it was a disaster ~ That night turned out to be a night of horror, When I glanced outside the club's large window, I was triggered like crazy in seeing Merry Katherine everywhere. Inside the club, I looked around and saw Merry Katherine everywhere. I saw her sitting at tables. I saw her laughing with the crowds. I saw her on the sidewalk outside walking by the club. I saw her in line across the street, waiting to get into another club. Every teenager was my teenager. She was everywhere.

Then amidst being triggered, I was trying to somehow finish playing out the required sets so that I could go home and figure out what the hell just happened that I go and get traumatized over something that was supposed to be so enjoyable.

 Looking back, what I didn't know then… as we were just entering into our third year of grief...

 

THAT third year was to be the worst year of all for me of these six years of grief... 

So, will tonight be any different?

Friday's Faith - When Trying to Clean Her Room...

Friday's Faith

When Trying to Clean Her Room...

What's a parent to do

When the child for whom you're longing

Leaves behind only her belongings?

It breaks your heart in two.

Each little note she's written

Expressing her childlike heart

Gives your heart a wrenching start

For this child for whom you're smitten.

Each outfit that you touch

Takes your heart right back to when

Her life with yours was so tightly woven-in,

Yet now ripped apart, it hurts your heart so much.

Each stuffed animal that she hugged

Now just stares at you, forlorn

For the little girl who from them was so abruptly torn;

You hold onto them and cry while your aching heart is tugged.

What are parents to do who've been left behind

By the child they so dearly loved

Leaving only her belongings behind

When each and ev'ry one of them reminds them of her love?

When cleaning piles up from her room,

It seems to pile upon our gloom.

It's as if each pile we pack,

Piles upon our grief pile stack...

And yet our God provides a vision

Of our little girl in Heaven

Helping Him to build her Heavenly room

...With each loving stack we've packed in gloom.

As she builds with Him her room Above,

There's stack upon stack of our symbols of love

Surrounding her to comfort her

With current signs of our love for her.

And since she knows we'll rejoin her soon

She helps her God prepare our room...

Our God of Love makes all love's symbols fit together

As lovingly as a mother bird selects each nest's feather

To build His child a room of love

Reflecting Love's Spirit throughout her Home above.

And He reveals to us we too have a part

In continuing to build up our child's heart,

So now we embrace each loving symbol,

Knowing her Heavenly room will, such love, resemble

Till we too can gather There where all His children will assemble.

Our child, when we gather your things together now,

We will weep,

But we will also before our Father gratefully bow,

Thanking Him that in His loving arms you sleep...

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers 

Wednesday's Woe - Depleted by Grief

Wednesday's Woe

Depleted by Grief

What is that invisible monster that swoops in and steals our energy when we grieve? When we are attempting to overcome a physical illness, doctors have always emphasized we need more bed rest.

Who knew grief would require so much out of us we often become exhausted and spent, such that it seems our bodies really do need more "bed rest" -- in fact, they seem to demand it.

*****

Tommy was in the middle of a big project downstairs last night and was working away diligently on it when he stumbled upon a box of pictures. He set it aside, and thought he would check it out further when he took a break. Later, he stopped and examined it more closely.

Inside he found pictures of Merry Katherine's First-Year birthday pictures, taking him back to those glorious days. When he finished looking and reminiscing, he found he had no more of that non-stop energy to continue to work on his project nor to wrap up any other of his usual nightly chores, so he came upstairs totally spent and went straight to bed.

*****

Dr. Catherine M. Sanders, a child-loss griever and psychologist, talks about this exhaustion in her book, Surviving Grief, expounded on by another grieving mother, Brook Noel (author of I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye):

Exhaustion
Perhaps the most commonly reported symptom of grief is utter exhaustion and confusion. In her book, Surviving Grief, Dr. Catherine M. Sanders explains

"we become so weak that we actually feel like we have the flu. Because of our lack of experience with energy depletion, this weakness frightens and perplexes us. Before the loss, it happened only when we were sick."

Little things we used to do without thinking, like mailing a letter, can easily become an all day task. Getting a gallon of milk can seem monumental. The thought of getting dressed, driving a car, getting money, paying a cashier, carrying the gallon, driving home-just these thoughts alone, can leave a griever hungry for sleep.

There are many remedies for exhaustion. People may prescribe vitamin combinations, exercise, eating well, staying busy and more. You are in recovery. Give yourself some time to grieve and let the emotions work through you. If you jump to stay busy now, or sidetrack part of the grieving process, it will only resurface down the road. It's all right to be exhausted and to rest. Take your time to heal.

Picture: Thanks to Google Images

Catherine M. Sanders, Surviving Grief...and Learning to Live Again

Brook Noel: I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One

http://www.funeralplan.com/griefsupport/griefsteps.html

Wednesday's Woe - Overcome by "Weeds" in Grief ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Overcome by "Weeds" in Grief

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

"Weeds" in our child's life took her life

as the driver of the crashed car was drugged.

Unable to kill the "weeds" in her life cuts like a knife:

Our daughter was killed soon after we last hugged.

Mowing the grass is now a chore since the day

the policeman dropped by, coming into

my backyard as I was mowing my grass

with the devastating words he would say...

We had burned our grass to destroy our weeds

so the yard was burned black like our hearts

as the people came by to do condolence-deeds

on the blackest day Heaven imparts...

A month to kill weeds,

Two weeks to till the dirt,

Then we plant the seeds,

All the while we hurt.

The grass came up so pretty

Just like once did our beautiful child...

Now with a summer of drought

Weeds overtake and destroy,

...Just as they did our child.

Picture - Thanks to @LillyAnn

Poem - Overcome by "Weeds" in Grief - Angie Bennett Prince - 9/14/10

Wednesday's Woe - More Mine-Fields and Grief Bombs ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Wednesday's Woe

More Mine-Fields and Grief Bombs

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

We have a good friend (more like an angel dropped out of the sky because of the way he has continually helped us amidst our child-loss grief). This friend is also a child-loss griever.

He is a veteran of the Vietnam War. Despite fighting behind enemy lines, he made it home safely only to lose his baby brother and his brother's newly-wed bride to a drunk driver.

This sudden and violent loss of such a close loved one ripped him up and essentially dredged up all the war traumas and losses to a debilitating degree affecting his ability to cope and to maintain close family relationships.

Then just six years ago, our friend lost his only son to cancer...

When Tommy talked to him just yesterday, our friend exclaimed,

"Everyday life triggers me with memories of my son.

Even watching television triggers me...

And I'm (at a stage where) I'm just remembering the good times!"

*****

Tommy:

Because of the cortisol stress hormone of chid-loss grief, a simple thing like somebody pulling out in front of me sets me off.

I find myself going into a momentary rage where I end up just dog-cussing the person.

And I then engage in a little self-talk to calm myself down by saying,

"Boy, you really have the love of Jesus in your heart today!"

But I remember it was someone else's extreme carelessness and recklessness that killed Merry Katherine...

And this person's extreme carelessness came close to causing him to crash into the front of my truck, and I came out with all these expletives...

It becomes a situation, whether inside or outside of your home, the world is not a safe place.

*****

Angie:

Last night I needed a good night's sleep as I had clients today, but after just four hours of sleep, I awaken, wide-awake, from a nightmare in which Tommy is chastising me for doing everything wrong during many of our years of marriage...It was totally out of character for him to yell at me, or "gunny sack" me with years of back-logged grievances he's never discussed with me, and I was trying so hard to make sense of all he was saying, all-the-while just being undone that I had inadvertently hurt him. Like I said, I KNEW this was totally out of character for him, but the dream/nightmare was so REAL, and I felt like a complete failure.

So I abruptly awaken, and I realize the absurdity of my dream... and yet, it seems so real.

My own psyche is attacking me!

Even in my conscious, awakened state, I find myself being extremely hard on myself, almost petrified that I might inadvertently hurt someone to the degree that I find myself hurting over my baby girl.

(I don't think that is possible, short of their going through what I am going through, but this fear is not rational. I KNOW it is neurotic, but it almost paralyzes me at times.) This second-guessing myself, in itself feels debilitating, re-traumatizing myself! So, to get a double dose of it in my sleep was mind-boggling.

Nobody ever told me there would be "Cortisol Attacks" in my child-loss grief!

What is happening? WHY am I turning on myself?

Is It Because I Couldn't Stop My Baby Girl From Sure Destruction?

I have no other explanation than that.

http://www.gizmag.com/microwave-land-mine-detection-system/15463/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demining

http://www.airlandsea.info/2008/10/german-mine-detectors-wip.html

Wednesday's Woe - Why Look For the Dead Among the Living?

Wednesday's Woe

Why Look For the Dead Among the Living?

by Tommy Prince

The angel asked Mary when she went to the tomb to find the body of Jesus,

"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here! He is risen as He said."

But tonight, I ask the opposite question,

"Why do we look for the dead among the living?"

I was reading in my journal this week of events from May of last year...

This memory still brings tears to my eyes as I recall the pain of it then...and now...

My subconscious is always seeking Merry Katherine out in my dreams. I probably dream about her once a month at least. It is always such a painful experience because she is so alive and herself in my dream, and then I have to wake up...

Two days ago, I dreamed about her. She was back, helping me move cars around in our driveway. I was always driving her around places, taking her to friends' houses, taking her to the mall to meet her friends, etc. Angie and I were often taking her and her teammates to out-of-town track meets, taking her and her friends to the lake with us, taking her off to college, picking her up from college, helping her to move in and out of dorms, etc. Her friends were almost always around her and loved to hang out at our house. So seeing her among her friends was a very normal part of our lives...

So I find myself often getting triggered, as my mind and heart always seem to be "looking" for her, seeking her out. There is always a struggle going on in my subconscious to seek her out among the living. It is very disturbing.

It is like a bad joke. Cruel and inhuman treatment. It is like being bullied or taunted when you look, and see...

"There she is!"

But it is not.

It never is.

It never will be.

And yet, somehow... you keep looking...

So...enter some entertainment outings in public...

First, some background...

Angie and I had enjoyed watching (on television) a friend of our son Nathan's the year before pitch the amazing baseball games for the University of Georgia (Angie's alma mater) that enabled the Georgia Bulldogs to go to the college world series. This pitcher, Josh, is a good friend of Nathan's. Josh is from Athens, Georgia where Angie is from.

So on this one particular day, Josh had talked to Nathan on the phone and was so excited to discover that Nathan wanted to come see him play with the Diamond Jacks (the farm-league professional team he now pitches for) as they would play against our Knoxville Smokies here in Knoxville. So Josh left our family enough tickets for all four of the games so that we could finally see him play in person. We were all so excited. (Rollin had other plans that week and was not able to come.)

It is not often that Angie and I can find something enjoyable to do out in public (as most of you can relate to, I'm sure), so we were so excited to have this opportunity to go and see Josh pitch live and in person!

So Nathan, Angie, and I piled into our suburban and headed off for the game. Nathan was going to meet some of his and Josh's friends there, so he found them, and we all sat together. Nathan is only two years older than his baby sister Merry Katherine, so his friends are of course all around the ages of Merry Katherine. We all talked a lot during the game, then got up together to go closer to Josh's team's dug-out so that Nathan and Josh's girlfriend could go and talk to Josh some when he wasn't in the batter's box. This gave us time to get to know some of the girls who were friends of Josh's girlfriend.

Encountering these girls, all around Merry Katherine's age, I found myself "locking in on them":

"Tell me about yourself?"

"What are you majoring in?"

"When are you graduating?

(Or, with some,) "When did you graduate?"

Merry Katherine would have been right at that age (age 22) of graduating as well had she lived....

Some lived near Knoxville and had graduated with a teaching degree. Since I had served on our Knox County Board of Education for about eight years, I naturally offered,

"If you want to teach in Knoxville, let me know; maybe I can help you."

So it was all very friendly and sweet and fun getting to know these girls, but it was also drawing me in in a way that was inexplicable to my conscious mind.

The next game we went to, Nathan had to get a paper-that-was-due back to his graduate school about an hour from home, so he was unable to go to that night's game. So on this particular night, we did not sit with all of Josh's friends. Angie and I found some seats in the best place we could find to have a good view of the batter's box.

Angie then began observing some unusual, out-of-character behavior from me that was confusing to her and began making her uncomfortable. Here we were on an outing with one another, and she noticed that I was seemingly "rubbernecking" my head around, and not just my head but my whole body was twisting in my seat, looking and scanning the whole stadium.

She got more and more uncomfortable as I didn't seem to stop even after the game had started. So she leaned over and asked me, "What are you doing?" So I told her I was searching for the girls we had met the night before. She recognized that I was unaware of my own behavior so she said,

"What would you think if you were sitting behind a father who was staring at Merry Katherine like that?"

Suddenly, I was jolted out of my "spell" and quickly realized my behavior could easily appear that I was gaping at a group of nubile girls for prurient reasons when in reality I was just looking for my baby girl! It was as though I had gotten a "glimpse" of her in her normal world from the night before when we had been with these girls.

That night, it was like she was here--I was back with her in her world of just hanging out with her friends, with everything happy and normal again.

For me, when I encountered these girls and spent some time with them, it had been a feeling much like it must have been when Elizabeth had visited Mary, the mother of Jesus when they were both "with-child" and Elizabeth's baby (John) jumps inside her when he sensed the very presence of Jesus...

I was like the little bird in the childhood story-book that goes around saying,

"Are you my mother?"

"Are you my mother?"

But my heart was saying,

"Are you Merry Katherine?"

"Are you Merry Katherine?"

It was like something had pushed through, driving me to fill that black hole so that I wasn't even aware of my own behavior!

In being around this group of girls,

it was like Merry Katherine was in every one of them.

We couldn't even go to a baseball game, a simple baseball game, without my being triggered...

After those two nights of my system being severely triggered, it's like I crashed afterwards to the point that we couldn't even go to the last two games...

So I ask myself this question,

"Why is it that we look for the dead among the living?"

photo from photobucket.com