Wednesday's Woe - Missing At The Wedding

Wednesday's Woe

Missing At The Wedding

Three years ago today, my oldest child Rollin got married. He married his precious girlfriend of seven years. He asked her to marry him within days of the first-year anniversary of Merry Katherine's death... Tommy and I were barely functioning automatons.

I remember thinking I was glad we didn't have the whole responsibility of the wedding because I was doing well just to remember to pay our bills on time, much less be intact enough to help plan a whole wedding. As it was, we were in charge of the rehearsal dinner, and at the time, that felt like a mammoth task to us. We managed, somehow.

But on the night of the dinner, of course they had the wedding rehearsal first. Tommy and I were sitting about where we sat - same church, almost the same seat - on the day of Merry Katherine's funeral. No, we didn't get too triggered! The rehearsal began. Each groomsman was escorting a bridesmaid down the aisle and up the stairs to join the wedding party on the platform. Well, all the groomsmen except one... We held it together pretty well until the bride's brother Joe, who was best friends with Merry Katherine, practiced coming down the aisle alone as he had no Merry Katherine to escort. As soon as Joe walked past us during this rehearsal, before I knew it, Tommy sprang up out of his seat and ran out of the church. He had to go sit in the car awhile and have a good cry.

And then, we were supposed to go host a rehearsal dinner party? We are fairly outgoing people, or we were in our normal days, but we had no "festive" in us that night. Tommy somehow managed to pull it together to muddle through being the emcee for some of the evening, but we were very blessed that Rollin has a lively group of friends who could basically entertain with their stories. I do remember Tommy saying, "Okay guys, let's hear from you!" and they jumped in. I was able, with God's help toward the end of the evening to be able to tell a funny story on Rollin. So, like I said, we managed.

Since this momentous wedding three years ago, we have not been able to attend any weddings since. Not even of our precious niece whose wedding was right here in Knoxville...

Such is life amidst Child-loss Grief. We are just not the same people, and I doubt seriously we ever will be again. Happy Anniversary, Rollin and Stephanie. We are so thankful you two are together, and that your first baby will be coming mid-August! (And finding out that she is a baby girl, Rollin and Stephanie told us her name is to be "Merry" Elizabeth Prince!) God is good.

Picture thanks to FotoSearch

Wednesday's Woe - Boomeranged Back to Square One...

Wednesday's Woe

Boomeranged Back to Square One...

~Angie and Tommy Prince

Tommy:

I took a nap on Saturday and dreamed about Merry Katherine. Unlike other recent dreams, the "world" in my dream was normal ~ Merry Katherine was here; she was sitting at our large desk in the den, on the computer where she often listened to music and/or recorded music to listen to later. I felt good. Life was good.

Then I woke up and was hit with the stark reality that none of what I just experienced in my dream was even remotely true. I went from a good feeling to a despairing sigh -- "Crap. That wasn't real..."

Having good feelings (like I'd had in my dream) are not there any more. The reality is the bad, and I have to come back down to the reality -- Bad feelings are here to stay...

Angie:

I dreamed about Merry Katherine Sunday night after Tommy had told me about his dream of her the night before. When he described his dream to me, I got triggered to her life when she was walking the tightrope of loving her family to searching for her next fix. I was afraid to ask Tommy when she was sitting at the desk in his dream, "Were things going well, or was she in a 'bad' place?" I didn't want to know. I couldn't go there. So I didn't dare ask.

So that night, I guess my subconscious was seeking resolution as I dreamed about her too. She was back home, but in the stage of her acting out. Our lives too were contorted around this tightrope in the form of wanting to have a normal, loving relationship with her versus (in my dream) hiding things that might be a temptation for her (such as money, credit cards, or even an adult I.D.) for her to supply her next fix. (She never once stole from us, but we knew things could easily deteriorate to that point.) It was very depressing to me in my dream because I didn't want to be in that defensive mode around her. I just wanted to love her and be a healthy part of her life. I was so frustrated at the push/pull of the relationship at the same time I was missing her ~ and our intimacy with her ~ dearly. And then I woke up...

Tommy and I were talking later...

And this is what we get for trying to take care of ourselves by getting good rest!

We always know after these dreams and nightmares: Now we're in for the boomerang effect of being thrown back to square one ~ She is not here, and our lives are changed forever...

Bad feelings are here to stay, and Merry Katherine is not...

Picture: Thanks to FotoSearch.com

Monday's Mourning Ministry - The Voice that Knows ~by Tommy Prince / Harder to Breathe ~Maroon 5

Monday's Mourning Ministry

The Voice that Knows

~by Tommy Prince

~

Harder to Breathe

~Maroon 5

A child-loss neighbor of ours lost her husband. Another neighbor, himself a widower as of one and a half years ago, dropped by our house asking if we could deliver some food over to Mary, now a new widow as of a couple of days, for him as she was not home when he tried to go by there himself.

~ What do you usually say to such a request?

What does your heart say before your body has a chance to speak to you:

~ ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? YOU CAN'T DO THAT?!

So I said, "Sure!"

Then I start having second thoughts, regrets, "How am I gonna pull this off?" Later in the day, I look across the yard and down the street to her house. There are eight cars in her yard, so I know the whole family is there... I decide to go ahead and fulfill my now-promised favor.

Before I can leave the house, Angie asks me to make myself more presentable ("Button up your outer shirt so your yard-working shirt beneath doesn't show."), and "Oh, by the way, tell Mary we would be glad to stay at her house for her when they go to the funeral on Monday." (I don't think she had time to listen to her heart either...)

All I can think about on the way over to Mary's house is,

"I hope I can drop this off at the front door without anybody seeing me, and hopefully somebody will trip over the food when they go out to one of their cars."

So now I am walking through the yards, and I see that... Oh no! The front door is wide open with only the fully-glass-storm-door closed, and I can see everybody inside. So,

"O great, now I'm gonna have to knock..."

So now my body is saying to me,

"Hand it off, and run!"

(That's the next best thing to leaving it on the front porch -- Hand it off, and retreat!)

The problem with that was the daughter who answered the door was just beside herself with joy that I had brought something, and as I am leaning backwards (to get away), she is taking me by the arm just insisting that I come see her mother... But once inside, I have to go through five introductions before I even get to Mary (as Mary has five surviving children home for their daddy's funeral).

Now I had just been bombarded with people, lots of noise and activity, and I am trying to discern who are the kids, and who are the in-laws, when I see ahead of me this little body of my neighbor's sitting at the dining room table with her back to me. I walk over to Mary. She and I say our icebreaking comments~ ("Hey! Long time no see!" she says, and we only live two doors away.... Her kids are our age, so she's in her eighties.)

Then I hear her voice, the sweetest voice, and this sweet face looking up at me saying,

"So, it's been four years for you?"

(Feet, don't fail me now! Get me out of here!)

It was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard from anyone in a couple of years. It reminded me of Angie's mother, how sweet she was when she would talk about Merry Katherine. It was just a different voice from any other voice ~

It was the voice of one who had experienced child loss, unlike the voice anyone else has.

They get it when no one else does.

I had already been triggered (back to the days after Merry Katherine's death) just by taking food over there... It was all I could do to function. I just turned around and walked out, saying it was nice to meet everyone.

...I came home, sat on my patio swing, and bawled my eyes out.

*****

This is the song that most describes how I am feeling these days.

Bad thing is, it was also one of Merry Katherine's favorite songs that she liked to play full tilt on her stereo...

Harder To Breathe

~Maroon 5

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable

So condescending unnecessarily critical

I have the tendency of getting very physical

So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here

The Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear

You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone

Not fit to funkin' tread the ground that I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You'll understand what I mean when I say

There's no way we're gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head

You should know better you never listened to a word I said

Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat

Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You'll understand what I mean when I say

There's no way we're gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill

Does it burn

Is it painful to learn

That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill

Does it sting

When you feel what I bring

And you wish that you had me to hold

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You'll understand what I mean when I say

There's no way we're gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

is there anyone out there cuz its gettin harder and harder to breathe

Picture: http://www.buzzle.com/picture-photo.asp?pic=Elephant+Mouse&image=47

Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV8NHsmVMPE