Wednesday's Woe - Grief's Prisoner

Wednesday's Woe

Grief's Prisoner

Prisoner in my own body. Held hostage. Can't trust my own being anymore.

3:00 a.m. ~ awake again. Not just awake. Wide awake. 4 hours of sleep. I need 8. But, I get up, go to the restroom...

Now I am awake. Strike that. It is more like, now I am Hypervigilant!

No longer can I just go to the restroom, then fall back in bed and crash back into a sound sleep. As Tommy realized I had awakened, we began to talk - he'd already awakened at 2:00. Neither of us could go back to sleep. As we talked, he asked a good question:

"Since Merry Katherine's death, over these past (what is now?) 5 1/2 years, have you had a good night's sleep?"

I had to honestly answer, "No." If I have had one, it's been the exception, but I honestly cannot remember a night of a solid 8-hours of sleep. He couldn't remember me having one either.

I have coped with that by finding some time during the day to take a long nap to ensure that my poor grief-torn body at least gets around 8 hours of sleep from somewhere.

But that's not all. The other development, really since Day One when we were told Merry Katherine was killed, is that stress takes its toll on me through my gastro-intestinal system. It's as if my body were wired to vent the stress through upsetting my tummy. Ouch. And my system must be finely wired, such that the alarm goes off with barely a trip of the wire it seems. And when that happens, then

I feel like I am a prisoner of my own body, and a prisoner of my own home.

The only people who can count on seeing me on a regular basis are my immediate family members, and my clients. A neighbor was teasing Tommy that he hadn't even gotten to meet me yet, and asked when was he going to get to meet me? Tommy teased back and said, "Nobody sees her. If you want to see her, call her and make an appointment and bring your checkbook with you, because all she sees are her clients." You remember the old saying, "There's a lot of truth in jest!" Well, there you go. That just about sums it up.

I don't like it. And I am trying to train my body to be more resilient with a pretty strong aerobic work-out routine, and a very mindful diet. But meanwhile, it is what it is, and I just deal with it.

For Tommy, his stress now sets off high blood pressure. And he thinks the wear and tear of the trauma of child-loss definitely contributed to his body succumbing to cancer (that he discovered he had just 5 months ago) as well. He too is working hard at trying to build up his immune system with proper exercise and proper diet, but it is a daily battle.

It is a daily battle for both of us. I wonder if the battle will ever subside to give us a few moments reprieve. I pray so. I miss my carefree health I could always count on.

And I am sometimes terrorized if I have some heavy-duty-traumatized clients scheduled, will my body cooperate today and allow me to help them?

Some of my clients have lasted the entire 5 1/2 years with me through the grief, and they learned they needed to call me 30 minutes before the appointment to ask, "Is this a good day?" before coming into their previously scheduled appointment. It has worked out fairly well that way. (So thankful to my clients who have been so graciously willing to be flexible!)

What about you?

How does the stress of the grief and trauma over your child's death play out in your body, or soul, or spirit, or mind, or behavior?

Do you ever feel like you are Grief's Prisoner?

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch

Saturday's Sayings - Accident Prone in Grief?

Saturday's Sayings

Accident Prone in Grief?

"You are not the momentary whim of a careless creator experimenting in the laboratory of life. . . .You were made with a purpose."

~Og Mandino

*****

“I have been through a lot and I have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”

~Jacqueline Kennedy

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"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know that the human is here for the sake of another human."

~Albert Einstein

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Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible -- it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.

~Barbara De Angelis

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Don't think I do not feel;

because you see no tears.

A river rages deep inside

of grief, and loss, and fears.

Just because I do not cry now,

don't think my heart's not broken.

I keep inside the misery

of words not to be spoken.

Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,

so you won't see the pain;

or notice how my hands will shake,

or how I've gone insane.

Each time I chance to think of her,

my heart is ripped asunder.

The loss I feel is mine alone.

You will not see my thunder.

~attributed to Brenda Penepent

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Writing Through your Grief
A loss is a loss is a loss. Mine is no greater than yours and vice versa. We all feel the devastation in our heads and our hearts. To see the sorrow and tears of the survivors of 911 today reminds me that their grief journey is ten years old and for many on the anniversary may only feel like months ago. I send a prayer and a comforting thought to those who miss someone today.

~contributed by Lu P.

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"Grief isn't something you get over, it's something you go through...."

~Alan Pedersen

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"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve."

~ Earl Grollman

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The Compassionate Friends/USA

Interesting question posted by Melinda Mindie Wolvin. If you have found this to be true for you, please click "like" and share with her what has happened.

Since you have lost your child, have you become accident prone? I have injured myself several times in the past 4 and 1/2 year. The first was a very bad sprain that has results that will probably last the rest of my life, the second causing 12 stitches that will last the rest of life. My husband had gotten in 2 or 3 accidents in the first two years after losing our son. Just wonder if anyone else has had problems like this.

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  You and 176 others like this.
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  I seem to be more prone to aches and pains if I don't exercise everyday. My back and legs hurt so bad sometimes! My heart races frequently!Thursday at 9:43am · Like · 5 people ~SK
  
  
  i was already very accident prone (hit a train when i was 18, drove into lake west point in georgia before they added the water, had my back run over by the back tire of a farm tractor) so it's hard to say but i have noticed since i hit the year that jason was gone longer than he was with me, i have fallen a LOT and also had several wrecks. 8 days until the 19th angelversary... how can it be?Thursday at 9:44am ~DOP
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  I think the accident proneness is due to the general fog that enters our brains. Not necessarily more accident prone, just less aware of what is going on around us. Our brain space is full of griefThursday at 9:45am · Like · 18 people ~MMO
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  When my son first died my ex husband and I both seemed to become very clumsy. Nothing too serious, just little things. I believe we were just constantly distracted and not paying attention to little details. The worst thing for me was a constant pain in my arms. Dr. called it "empty arms" syndrome. I knew there was supposed to be a baby there but there was not so I was always aware of my arms. It was odd really. He would be 20 this month.Thursday at 9:47am · Like · 6 people ~GRK
  
  
  I don't think we will ever be the same my body & mind has went down hill can't remember anything my whole body hurts I can't remember the last time I felt good!!! Since my grandson past away my life has changed an will never be the same again even with God in it!!!Thursday at 9:47am · Like · 1 person ~KWC
  
  
  I was in what should have been a deadly car accident and walked away. I know I owe that to my amazing gardian angel, my brother Nick. :)Thursday at 9:48am · Like · 3 people ~KP
  
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  Not physical ones, but emotionally I am still a wreck and can't seem to focus as well as I used to. Probably made worse because the offical 1 yr is 15 days away. He lingered for four days so in reality a year is in 11 days. There were a lot of days especially in the first six months that I didn't know how I got somewhere, I did it all on autopilot. I would and still do not remember driving somewhere other than I know that I did it. I couldn't tell you what roads I traveled or if I saw anything along the way, I just know I made it to like the grocery store or home again.Thursday at 9:49am · Like · 3 people ~MP
  
  
  Yes Sounds like me. I coulded drive the first 6 months after my son became an Angel (1/30/09) at the tender age of 14. I have been in a few near miss as well. The old me died with him, so I am dealing with what is left and hearinf my son in saying to me MOM get a Life...Thursday at 10:03am · Like · 4 people ~LEG-C
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  I just don't pay attention..to anything...anymore like I should. My brain is on overload at every minute..which is exhausting. It will be nine months October 1st since my only child went on to eternal life. He was 23 and my world. I love and miss you desperately, Michael :,(Thursday at 10:03am · Like · 5 people ~MWI
  
  
  It has been proven that the death of a child increases the risk of the death of the parents, whether by accident or illness, for the rest of their lives. They have not determined why that is, but some think it is because the parents have a more difficult time focusing and their immune system is suppressed due to the raw grief they experience.Thursday at 10:18am · Like · 5 people ~AB
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  I have fallen twice this month which is very uncharacteristic of me. Luckily I didn't hurt myself. My mind is constantly split between what I'm doing and thinking about Anna. It's been four months since she died with leukemia.Thursday at 10:19am · Like · 1 person ~PGG
  
  
  Being so terribly distracted could be the underlying cause of these accidents. Who wouldn't be after losing a child?Thursday at 10:20am · Like · 4 people ~SNA
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  I at 3.5 year mark, and I know about being clumsy and accident prone. I have been in a "crow boot" for an ankle injury for 11 months and 21 days now. So I think it is being distracted with dealing with the pain and grief. We think we are handling the new " normal" when in turn it is always in the back of our minds and every thought.Thursday at 10:22am · Like · 1 person ~BHS
  
  
  This is very common! I injured myself within 9 mo and had two surgeries because of it. I used to lead a bereaved parents group and many others from the group injured themselves. We often joked about how maybe we shouldn't drive for a year or two. We are just so distracted. Be careful out there!Thursday at 10:23am · Like · 1 person ~SS
  
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  I have several injuries from falls since my son died. It's taken me a long time to get back to a place where I can function better.Thursday at 10:30am ~DL
  
  
  Yes I am constantly amazed that God has protected me from a really bad wreck. Not as bad now cause its been over 2 years but there were times in the beginning where I would be somewhere and not even remember driving there! Still am not as aware as I should be. Lots of near misses and pissed off ppl. I am normally a very good driver....no really....Thursday at 10:33am ~CSS
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  Well its been three long years for me and i gotta say havent had any breaks or sprains but one thing is for sure i trip alot and forget alot.. Im always trippin when im walking and stubbling all over the place.. My friends always ask me what the heck is wrong with you?? Lol.. So i understand what you mean.. My question is why does this happen? What does it mean??Thursday at 10:34am · Like · 1 person ~LW
  
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  I haven't, but my nefew who is the same age as my son was for about a year after, he fell in a bond fire and got burned, hit a deer on his motor cycle and a couple other things..thank goodness he came out of it all ok.Thursday at 10:38am · Like ~JN
  
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  After almost 4 years I agree, just this past summer I sprained my foot because I wasn't paying attention. Some days I can't drive because I can't concentrate.Thursday at 10:38am · Like · 1 person ~SR
  
  
  I found that everything negetive was happenning. Everytime I tried to do something I would fail miserably.As if I couldn't have anything go right.Thursday at 10:39am ~JB
  
  
  Physiological fact....it is impossible for the brain to have more than one thought at the exact same time. since grief takes up so much energy its hard for the brain to function at the speed needed to keep up with outside stimulus. Just my theory....Thursday at 10:41am · Like · 5 people ~CSH
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  I somehow feel invinsible... probably stupid of me, and probably because I just do not care about myself anymore. Going to woods by mysel? do not even think twice... stuff like that. it is hard to scare me.Thursday at 10:53am · Like · 4 people ~ZL
  
  
  yes i have injured myself more since Justin passed 1 yr ago Oct 4th, am more sensitive to others remarks, cry at the drop of a hat, more sensitive to my already aches and pains.Thursday at 10:58am · Like ~CM
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  I have gotten prone to more illnesses.Thursday at 11:16am · Like · 2 people ~AZA
  
  
  Yes! in 2005 I broke my ankle in 2 places, have metal plate & screws. Broke my neck (!) last yr., it is healing, thank God. I often feel I am going to trip..again! Glad you brought this up.Thursday at 11:27am ~KWI
  
  
  I got Hodgkins Disease after my son died and I think it was because I was not taking care of myself like I should have, weakening my immune system. I also found that my memory capacity had changed. I can no longer remember birthdates, anniversaries, etc without looking at my calendar, for example how much my children weighed at birth. I think my brain needed more space during grieving and chose this space to occupy.Thursday at 11:30am · Like · 1 person ~DLH
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  It's more illness-prone for me, at least in the first 2 yrs. But to this day, I'm definitely more clumsy. I used to be really athletic but not anymore. Also more scatter-brained...way more scatter-brained. I guess the phenonemon of being more accident prone and all else is the difference in gravity of this new world. It's very difficult to get used to.Thursday at 11:37am · Like · 3 people ~RI
  
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  And I thought is was just me,I am very illness-prone and almost cut my fingers off two times with a lot of stitches.Thursday at 11:44am · ~KH
  
  
  I got into a head on collision since losing my son last August and today got my finger pinched so hard it left a one inch blood blister on my pointer finger and have had my hand smashed 2 times in clamps on my saw.Thursday at 11:45am ~BW
  
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  Parents! I can hardly believe what I'm reading, though I know it to be true. I know I must have had an angel looking out for me in those first 6 mos. of driving because I would cry the whole time while behind the wheel..then the health issues started one after another..Grief takes a toll both spiritually and physically !Thursday at 11:46am · Like · 1 person ~JT
  
  
  ‎4 months to the day of our son's death, my husband crashed his bicycle in a solo accident & badly broke his leg, requiring two surgeries. 1 day shy of the 1-year anniversary, my mother (very close to our son) backed off a deck while taking a picture, and broke her leg near the hip - another surgery. Last year, on our son's birthday (which is 3 days before his anniversary), his great-grandma (also close to him) passed away. Three years coming up... I keep wondering when it's my turn.Thursday at 11:49am ~AHS
  
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  It's been 23 months for me, & I stub my toes all the time. There's been days that I know I shouldn't be driving. The worst time, while driving, my son was with me & he asked to drive. I gladly let him. That was just a month ago. I should be getting better. But I'm not.Thursday at 11:57am · Like ~LBW
  
  
  HugsThursday at 11:59am · Like · 1 person ~GHN
  
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  The force that protects us from feeling all of the terrible force of grief we sustain when our child dies also makes us a little ditzy. I drove my car with no oil or water in it. Burned out the engine. I bumped into lots of things, eventually just sat by my window not feeling safe to roam around much. The three year mark has just passed and I feel myself coming back a bit. Never to the same me there was, but more alert. I can pay my bills again without struggling for days trying to do it. With this return of feeling comes more tears, more pain. It's the price we pay for having had and loved a child. We didn't know that when we 'ordered' them. I'd do it all again, wouldn't you? Thursday at 12:01pm · Like · 3 people ~MMN
  
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  I have lost 6 children, and my accident-prone-ness increased with every loss.Thursday at 12:01pm ~JS
  
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  It will be 2 years that my son died. Emotional illness don't get out of bed have no will to live.Thursday at 1:17pm ~LLSU
  
  
  OMW I thought I was the only one. On my sons 1st birthday without him (28 Aug 2011) I fell twice and had to go to the emergency room for another mishap. My heart still hasn't healed and never will, and I still feel like I've been sucker punched in the stomach. Love you my angelThursday at 1:20pm · Like · 1 person ~VA
  
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  I have had several accidents on the job since our son died 13 months ago! Thank you for posting this question and for all of you have commented--I thought I was losing my mind (or at least my coordination)!Thursday at 1:41pm · Like · 1 person ~TM
  
  
  In the last six months i have driven through a neighbor's yard hitting a two foot diameter rock in my late son's car, seemed to have lost my balance with a hundred falls with cuts and bruises, go through stop signs/red lights, forget cell phones at home, credit cards at restaurants, my debit card in an ATM (just this week), laptops and cords at home, walk into the same room five times and not retrieve what I went in for.... it is a mess.Thursday at 1:48pm · Like ~FJK,Jr.
  
  
  Yes!! I have attributed mine to not having my mind or full attention on what I am doing. Grief takes up so much of your mind..little is left ...no concentration.Thursday at 1:49pm · Like · 1 person ~PA
  
  
  Your mind is focused on the death of your child. I am so clumsy, lets say more clumsy. Try to stay focused on the task at hand that helps in more ways than one. God bless and I will keep you in my prayers.Thursday at 3:15pm · Like · 1 person ~DAS
  
  
  I accidentally took an ambien instead of my antidepressant while driving and drove for 70 miles before hitting the median and blowing a tire. I do not remember anything. I thank God that I did not kill someone. I lost my daughter in 2008.Thursday at 3:22pm · Like ~MD
  
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  I was especially warned by others if I had been caregiving an individual (I was) who eventually died, to drive extra carefully. For the first year we are more prone to be in accidents, even small ones. And yes, our lack of attention and exhaustive nature from grieving makes us less sharp and more accident prone at home and work. Be nice to yourself and give yourself more time to accomplish tasks!Thursday at 3:28pm · Like · 1 person ~KAA
  
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  Injuries, getting sick more, and seems like I never get a good night sleepThursday at 4:14pm · Like · 1 person ~LW
  
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  Yes, I have. Since my son passed three years ago I have been very clumsy. I' ve sprained both ankles and been in the worst shape of my life. I have yet to get my fire and passion for life back.Thursday at 6:47pm · ~RL
  
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  hmm lol..........yeah (If I could be so bold too laugh about such matters). sometimes I find myself walking around aimlessly, yikes,, driving.. in the process.. "things happen" :).. stub a toe, drop something in my hand, etc. lost in thought and purpose I suppose, or in the veil of stunned behavior, learning to exist!Thursday at 8:18pm · Like · 1 person ~LL
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  Never had a broken bone and now have multiple broken ribs, shattered collar bone and shattered shoulder blade.Thursday at 8:48pm ~SCN
  
  
  My wife and I have had many health issues since our son's(only child) death for the first months we drove together because we needed both our brains and eyes-its the stress of loosing a child.it is very common in our CF group, all of us have had issues.god bless and Keep GoingThursday at 10:27pm ~DH
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  Yes. I had a bad knee injury that required surgery,the result I can only bend my knee 75% of the way and my foot on the same leg I injured has been in so much pain.My back has also gone out on my twice.I seem more clumsy than usual and have been distracted a lot.Thursday at 11:10pm ~MS
  
  
  Yes very & forgetful & a loner !!!! It's been 21 months & 14 daysThursday at 11:10pm ~SS
  
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  No but I have become forgetful and my short term memory, which was never that great, has become even worse. I have to write "to do" lists for mundane tasks, previously I only did that at work when there were many competing priorities.Yesterday at 2:01am ~F of DC
  
  
  I have. In fact, I have developed A A (sic) Seizure Disorder, Zmy (sic) Neurologist insists it's late3 (sic) onst (sic) Trauma Induced Epilepsy:(Yesterday at 5:44am ~CCN
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• Yes I suddenly became a terrible driver and had a couple accidents just fender benders but I know I shouldnt have been driving with the state of mind I was in.Yesterday at 7:08am ~DA
  
  
  I injured my back; got my finger stuck in a the post office flat sorting machine at work ....and there at a stop light - just waiting for it to turn green - on 3 different occasions.....3 people rear ended me...Yesterday at 7:45am ~RW
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  Yes, I think when they say depression hurts they mean it...NO concentration, my whole body hurting, in a fog....at least we all can see that we aren't the only ones and that we really aren't going crazy14 hours ago ·~D. S.
  
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  Angie Prince Yes, almost two years after our child's death, I rear-ended someone, all the while telling myself, "let them get out of your way before you take off." It just didn't register! 3 months later, I had a severe bike wreck going down a mountain trail in Virginia and broke my shoulder blade (which is almost impossible to break). Then, just 10 months later, I walked down the hall of my own house in the pitch dark, and when I stepped into my "den," it turns out it wasn't my den at all; it was my basement stairwell; I "flew" down the stairs, breaking 4 bones: 1 rib bone, and 3 bones in my pelvis; all the while, I was telling myself, "you really need to turn on a light" - again, it just didn't register! (My orthopedic surgeon x-rayed me, and said, "You have essentially been broken in half!" {Wonder if my body was emulating my heart?}) So 5 bones broken within a one year time-frame, and I had gone a whole life-time before that with NO broken bones! An interesting irony - I was injured in the very same places my precious daughter had been injured when she was killed... So YES, I think we child-loss grievers are extremely accident-prone; it's like we are not fully grounded on this earth, as 90% of our mind/heart/soul/spirit/body are "with" our child in Heaven! ~Blessings to you Melinda!2 minutes ago

pictures, thanks to FotoSearch, and to TCF/USA

Thanks to The Compassionate Friends/USA for their contribution

Thursday's Therapy - "Are You Exercising Every Day?" "I am now!" ~Tommy Prince

Thursday's Therapy

"Are You Exercising Every Day?"

"I am now!"

~Tommy Prince

There is no better and more natural antidepressant, anti-anxiety, or anger management medicine available than good physical conditioning. Regular exercise has been shown to positively affect mood, memory, anger, thinking, anxiety, work performance, sleep, blood pressure, cardiovascular functioning, and cholesterol. Physical exercise can help resolve depression and improve the symptoms associated with PTSD.

~Charles Hoge, M.D., Once a Warrior Always a Warrior

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Lately, I have been able to put together several nights of good sleep. It has been five years since I have been able to get 8 hours of sleep for four nights in a row!

So why is it that something that can benefit just about everything about PTSD is the very thing I have been so late getting to?!

The shock of finding out I am in bad health has created a sense of urgency in me. Before, I rationalized that yard work and other activities I do that involve a lot of moving around "seemed" like they would suffice for the necessary aerobic exercise needed, so I guess "denial" was winning out.

I have been treating exercise like it is an option!

So when I went to the doctor three weeks ago, and he asked,

"Are You Exercising Every Day?"

I suddenly caught on and responded,

"I am now!"

The doctor's blood tests had revealed that I now have high cholesterol and high blood pressure.

The doctor, like a good coach, said to me,

"There are good hormones waiting to be released into your system to take on your high cholesterol and high blood pressure, but they cannot be released unless you get aerobic exercise everyday. Otherwise, the good hormones are pent up and the bad hormones (like cortisol) will be allowed to destroy your system!"

*****

I dropped by my dad's office today. He is a practicing physician and surgeon. I exclaimed to him,

"Just three years ago, my blood pressure was 128/72, so what the heck has happened to me in the last three years?"

Without a moment of hesitation, he exclaimed back,

"Stress and the release of cortisol through your system!"

After first visiting my doctor in December, I began to exercise a little more often, but after two more visits and tests that revealed my levels of the two potentially deadly pathogens were still high, I started what has, for the past three weeks, been my daily exercise vigil. I used to wake up in the mid-140's (systolic); now I wake up and my systolic is in the mid 130's, with the dystolic being in the 80's the entire time. But my nightly blood-pressure readings have fluctuated all over the place:

148/97, 167/90, 153/84, 137/81, 158/97

So the numbers are decreasing by about ten points in the morning readings, but the night readings are still way too high.

Now my father tells me I also need to watch my salt intake. (Angie's only been telling me this for the past umpteen days, but it somehow didn't seem to register...)

Then he added,

"For every one pound you gain, that's 8 miles of capillaries that have to form, so the heart has to work extra hard for your body to function!"

So this is why I tell everybody,

"Child Loss is not just about the grief, but it is also about the TRAUMA and its assault on your system!"

As I walk through the trauma of the death of my child, unless I keep up this self-care which includes daily physical exercise, it will end up being the early death of me.

Picture: http://www.innerbody.com/image/cardov.html