Wednesday's Woe - "Hair-Trigger Grievers" ~by Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

"Hair-Trigger Grievers"

~by Tommy Prince

Hair-Trigger...

Wiktionary:

"hair-trigger" - a trigger that will set off a firearm when even a small pressure is applied

Free Dictionary:

"hair-trigger" - responding to the slightest provocation or stimulation; a hair-trigger temper; a hair-trigger reaction

Farlex Trivia Dictionary

"hair-trigger" - its underlying meaning is something that may be triggered with the pressure of something as slight as a hair.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"hair-trigger" - immediately responsive to the slightest stimulus

*****

On Facebook today, Angie had thanked a friend for praying for her recently because she finds herself "seemingly stuck in a swamp of PTSD." A grieving-mother friend read the comment and asked Angie what her symptoms of PTSD are. Today, I will give you real-life examples of one of Angie's PTSD symptoms. (And, I must admit, I have these exact same symptoms too.)

Over the past 5 1/2 years, we often found ourselves in a place in our grief where we did not even have the energy to deal with certain modern-day demands, so many of of them were simply left undone. What we were too depressed and despondent to even deal with in those years, seems now to simply have traded symptoms as we are now trying to "re-enter" life to some degree, attempting now to tackle these potentially-overwhelming situations. Instead of being depressed and despondent, now it seems we are disorganized, agitated, hyper-vigilant, and hyper-startled in a "hair-trigger" kind of attempt at functioning...

Through no fault of our own, we had last-minute tax hurdles thrown our way that over-complicated our already-complicated-tax-situation that had to be completed in just a few days. And not only for us, but also for our two sons, so Angie had to figure the numbers out for all of us on some overly complex tax forms (she had to figure out first) which we had never even known existed until this year. By the time she was done with all of it and had it wrapped up in envelopes for me to rush to the Post Office, I know she must have invented several new expletives for her already teeming vocabulary of choice words. Funny, she never even cussed until she had lived with me for a few years...

Then I get a harassing phone call, well, it was expected, but it sure felt harassing... Repairs have been going on for almost a year now on one of our recreation-type vehicles. The call came from this repairman who proceeds to tell me he has gone way over-budget to complete all the tasks required (along with quite a few he decided-on-his-own to add), with no fair-warning ever made to us over these weeks and months to advise us of the situation before he decided to go full-speed ahead in spending our money. Our bill is now almost double of the estimate, which was an amount we already thought we could barely afford. Well you can imagine, when I got off the phone and delivered this information to Angie, she hit the roof!

And speaking of the roof... Then I get a call from the roof repairman who starts demanding the final payment that our mortgage company was supposed to release to us but wouldn't. The mortgage company's idea of releasing a claims check to our roofer for kindly repairing our hail-damaged roof 8 months ago was to send Angie and me 23 pages of uncomprehendable legal mumbo jumbo full of hoops they want Angie and me to jump through first before they will pay our roofer when we (nor our roofer) have done anything wrong. But to the roof repairman, I did want to say, How were we to know our mortgage company would throw a hissy fit before releasing their final check which by law they have to release???!!!

Even our own income has been tripped up by complications that are way outside our control, but we are having to do twice the "leg-work" to be sure the appropriate persons within the overly complex payor-system get the magnitude of hand-written duplicate documents sent to them so that they can correct their system with our documents before we can get our checks. And this conundrum has been drawn out over the past five months now....

And last but not least, Angie has not even had the courage to open the certified-mail-package she received a few days ago from certain of her family members because her grieving-mother's heart is afraid she will be re-traumatized by their potentially-toxic ways of handling some very sensitive matters...

Ahhh, such is life-in-the-fast-lane for these "hair-trigger, barely-functioning child-loss grievers"...

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Friday's Faith - The Cry of "Why?" IS the Cry of Faith ~with H. Norman Wright and Michael Card

Friday's Faith

The Cry of "Why?" IS the Cry of Faith

~with H. Norman Wright

and Michael Card

The cry of why is a cry of lament. This cry is good. It is necessary. It is a cry of protest to God, but also a cry of faith. Michael Card's book, A Sacred Sorrow, describes how lament is a biblical pattern for our lives. He states:

"When then, does God enshrine so many laments in His Word? Laments, we must realize are God's Word. Why are so many Biblical characters shown as disappointed and angry with God? Do we seek to learn from all the other facets of their lives but this? I would put it to you this way:

People like Job, David, Jeremiah, and even Jesus revealed to us that prayers of complaint can still be prayers of faith.

They represent the last refusal to let go of the God who may seem to be absent or worse--uncaring.

If this is true, then lament expresses one of the most intimate moments of faith--not a denial of it.

"It is supreme honesty before a God who my faith tells me I can trust. He encourages me to bring everything as an act of worship, my disappointment, frustration, and even my hate. Only lament uncovers this kind of new faith, a biblical faith that better understands God's heart as it is revealed through Jesus Christ."

He also talks about the purpose of lamenting:

"What lament would have us understand: the answer is graciously being given. His Presence is always with us.

Lament is the path that takes us to the place where we discover that there is no complete answer to pain and suffering, only Presence.

"The language of lament gives a meaningful form to our grief by providing a vocabulary for our suffering and then offering it to God as worship. Our questions and complaints will never find individual answers (even Job's questions were never fully answered). The only Answer is the dangerous, disturbing, comforting Presence, which is the true answer to all our questions and hopes."

~H. Norman Wright, Helping Those in Grief

~Michael Card, A Sacred Sorrow: Reaching Out to God and the Lost Language of Lament

picture: "Jesus at the Garden of Gethsemane" from AllPosters.com

Thursday's Therapy - Blessed Thanksgiving! Balancing "The Grief You Have and The Gift You Had"…

Thursday's Therapy

Blessed Thanksgiving!

The Grief and The Gift

When your child dies, the immensity of still being alive strikes at your core. Your focus shifts back and forth between

the grief you have and the gift you had.

~Writer and Grieving-Father, Linton Weeks

We are so thankful that we were blessed to have nineteen wonderful years with our precious daughter who entered this world in an adventurous streak with never a dull moment left behind. She has changed us in so many beautiful ways that will last us for an eternity. She challenged us in ways that forced us to stretch higher and grow deeper. She encouraged us with wisdom that was beyond her years. And she demonstrated a love for others and a servant's heart before those she loved that both ministered to our parent-hearts and stirred these hearts to take greater risks for love.

Our Grief and Trauma over the loss of our precious Merry Katherine have been an absolute bear for us to grapple with over these past five years. Even as trained psychotherapists, we have been blown away by the toll that such loss takes on a child-loss parent's life. We can attest that very few professionals in the helping field are up-to-speed in helping you with your child-loss grief and trauma in their therapist's office because WE ARE trained therapists, and we are still learning by leaps and bounds what is called for in this arduous journey of grief and we know that we have tons more to learn still.

But we are so thankful for all that we are learning about how the mind, body, emotions, soul, and spirit bear up under the grief and trauma of Child-Loss. We are learning "as fast as we can" what we can do for ourselves to facilitate our own healing amidst our painful journey. As counselors and coaches, we also wanted to share the gift of our child by sharing-as-we-learn about some of these healthy ways to grieve our child with other child-loss parents who, like us, also are devastated by the excruciating loss of their own child.

Tommy and I would love for you to share with us and our blog readers some of the ways in which you have been able, in the words of writer and grieving father Linton Weeks, "to grieve your child and gift our world" by "creating meaning from mourning" in your precious child's memory. Please feel free to write a comment to share with us!

What are some ways you are "creating meaning from mourning" in your deep child-loss grief?

We join together with you this Thanksgiving Day in counting our blessings...

which includes celebrating the life of our precious child even as we continue to grieve her...

Thanksgiving graphic, thanks to http://www.profilebrand.com/graphics/

Quote, via writer and grieving father Linton Weeks in his N.P.R. article, "Deep Grief: Creating Meaning from Mourning"

Wednesday's Woe - The Branch, The Vine, and The Vinedresser Amidst Child-Loss Grief…

Wednesday's Woe

The Branch, The Vine, and The Vinedresser

Amidst Child-Loss Grief…

From here? It looks like Satan ate her alive ~

From There? You assure my baby girl does thrive!

From here? My body is worn down and weak ~

From There? You say I'm blessed when I can grieve!

From here? I see my work is compromised ~

From There? Grief ensures my work be improvised!

From here? Grief's changed me; I wonder who I am ~

From There? You assure me, "You are My little lamb!"

If I am Yours, then I will rest in Thee…

"You are Mine. By faith receive new eyes to see...

On earth, what looks to be 'forsaken,'

In Heaven is new sculpting undertaken:

In winter, though the branch looks like it's dead,

In spring, the flower raises up her head!

"Though this life with death feels full of Woe,

Entrust the Faithful Vinedresser

That with each deadly stressor,

Your life and love for Him, He'll ever deftly hallow...

"Life here on earth is not the end,

Let Him mold you to become more and more like Me, your Suffering Friend,

Who never leaves your side, but ever suffers with you to the End."

Picture, thanks to cutcaster.com

Saturday's Sayings - Sorrow~A Gift? Focusing on What Matters Most

Saturday's Sayings

Sorrow ~ A Gift?

Focusing on What Matters Most

Sorrow, a gift? This counter-intuitive perspective is nicely elucidated by the psychotherapist and former Catholic monk Thomas Moore:

"Sorrow removes your attention from the active life and focuses it on the things that matter most. When you are going through a period of extreme loss or pain, you reflect on the people who mean the most to you instead of on personal success; and the deep design of your life, instead of distracting gadgets and entertainments. You may be more open to the beauty of your world as a relief from distress. Beauty is always present, but ordinarily you may not notice it because of your priorities or your absorption in other things."

~Thomas Moore

*****

In contrast, it is very rare, though not unheard of, that severely depressed individuals consider their depression per se a "gift." Some, however, have found spiritual meaning or sources of creativity in their depression. Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychologist who suffers from bipolar disorder, has observed that,

"Artistic expression can be the beneficiary of either visionary and ecstatic or, painful, frightening, and melancholic experiences. Even more important, however, it can derive great strength from the struggle to come to terms with such emotional extremes and from the attempt to derive from them some redemptive value."

~Kay Redfield Jamison, M.D.

*****

PROTECT YOU

Facing ones own fears are hard
If I face the fears of my loss I might
Lose control, I am afraid to lose control
Afraid I will have to feel pain
Rather than feeling nothing at all
It is easier to feel nothing, but the war
Rages on inside me trying to force my fears
The guilt that consumes my soul
Of that fateful day I wonder if it
Will ever go away..
Giving me the chance to go on.
To go on with my life in a positive and happy way
To smile from with in my heart and soul
And not just from my lips
I often hear the words echo in my head
Mom it was not your fault
But I am your mother I say I was to keep
You SAFE, to PROTECT you.
I could NOT do this, I could NOT SAVE YOUR LIFE
THAT DAY.
I kissed your wounds when you fell down
You got better, I held you when you were
Sad, you became happy.
I nursed you when you were sick, again you
Got better.
But I could not protect you that day.
I could not heal your wounds then.
I could not, no matter how hard I wanted to
Save your life that day, you died!
So the war of guilt, sorrow and pain
Rage with in my heart and soul
As your mother I tried to protect you
Keep you always safe, I always succeeded
Until that day.
So this war inside of me rages on and I wonder
Will it ever stop or ever go away??

~by Grieving Mother, Valene Valich Lafuenti,

shared with you by Valene's gracious consent

*****

I Will No Longer

Please share this, one more parent giving up is NOT OK! put it on your wall!

Things I will no longer do:

I will no longer hide my pain, even when you want me too.

I will no longer smile & pretend nothing is bothering me just to make you more comfortable.

I will no longer pretend like my son never existed, because you don't think I should be "back to normal."

I will no longer be who I was before so please don't expect it, this is my new normal.

I will no longer hide the tears because you don't understand.

I will no longer dishonor my son/daughter by never saying their name.

I will no longer apologize for my tears.

I will never "get over this."

Things I will do:

I will get through this with love & care from those around me.

I will always have a part of me missing.

I will get stronger & I will honor my child by keeping him alive in my heart.

I will forgive you when you say stupid, & hurtful things I will realize that it is your ignorance of the pain.

I will be here if God forbid this pain ever visits you & I will never ask that you hide your pain, your loss, your grief.

I will honor my child's memory by living through this, in spite of people who think I am being melodramatic, self seeking, depressing to be around.

I have known Moms who could not handle the pain of loss & took their own lives, I ask that you realize that this pain needs to be acknowledged by me & those who love me & I refuse to allow you to take away what helps me deal with this & helps me to wake up every day for the rest of my life without my child.

Because by not sharing my pain & not acknowledging the hole in my life means it didn't matter & that hole matters to me & it should matter to you.

I understand you have no idea what I feel and will not hate you but I also will not accept that your feelings are more important than my going on.

If you don't like that I cry, that I am different than before & you cower or roll your eyes when I need to say my child's name then I will also understand that you are no longer a big part of my life,

When your child has a birthday party 5 years from now & I don't show I will expect you to excuse me & acknowledge my right to hurt & instead of being selfish & offended I expect you to love me any way & if you can't then please move on because this is who I am now my son will always be in my heart & on my mind.

I understand that you think "that is all I think about" but before he was gone I was like you, thinking he will always be here, I had more important things to do. Sure there were times I didn't hug him before he left the house, or times on the phone I missed saying I love you just like you do now, but I have also realized when I lost my child all of those opportunities are gone, so while you go ahead with your life with your children remember you could never just forget they existed so I will not either.

My life, my child, means more to me than your selfish feelings so I will not pretend that you care about me while you avoid my sons memory or my pain they are always in my heart.

Please all you Moms/Dads share this on your wall change whatever needs to be changed to make it yours, I refuse to believe other Moms & Dads will die because they have no support!

~By: Lynn Burnett Colicci

(provided by Jill Compton, grieving mother)

*****

Cherished Friends! God must have known there would be times We'd need a word of cheer, Someone to praise a triumph Or brush away a tear. He must have known we'd need to share The joy of "little things" In order to appreciate The happiness life brings. I think He knew our troubled hearts Would sometimes throb with pain, At trials and misfortunes, Or goals we can't attain. He knew we'd need the comfort Of an understanding heart To give us strength and courage To make a fresh, new start. He knew we'd need companionship, Unselfish... lasting... true, And so God answered the heart's great need With cherished friends... like you! By: Anytime You Need a Friend

Contributed by Kathy Coy-Hawley

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Thursday’s Therapy - TRAUMA Therapy Toolbox - Understanding Your Body’s Confusing Messages

Thursday’s Therapy

TRAUMA Therapy Toolbox

Understanding Your Body’s Confusing Messages

Not understanding what’s changed in our bodies by our Child-Loss Grief would be like trying to run through the living room barefoot with the lights off not knowing someone has just rearranged all the furniture in the room.

~ the latter part of this analogy is a version of an old quote of Bill Cosby’s

*****

Criterion B symptoms (of the PTSD {Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder} diagnosis in the diagnostic manual) relate directly to how the memories of traumatic events are processed in the brain.

Memories of life-threatening events are not stored in the same parts of the brain as other memories or thoughts.

They are stored in deeper areas within the brain called the "limbic system," which controls survival reflexes and connects directly to areas involving all of the basic functions of the body necessary for survival, including adrenaline, breathing, heart rate, and muscle tone. Adrenaline and rage go hand in hand. They help you focus, make your muscles stronger, and help you fight. Anger helps to control fear.

The limbic system memories are not under your conscious control.

Rational thinking occurs in the cerebral cortex, the part of our brain that is much more developed and larger in humans than in any other species.

The limbic system, also known as the reptilian (reptile-like) part of our brain, is more primitive, more animal. It processes danger, threat, and reflexes, and expresses basic emotions necessary for survival (anger, hurt, fear).

Limbic memories are not linear or logical.

They are highly emotionally charged images, sounds, smells, thoughts, or perceptions that immediately connect with reflexes having to do with survival--the "fight-or-flight" reflexes.

The limbic area of the brain is designed to make sure that you never forget any memories having to do with serious danger or disaster that affected you personally. These memories form the impetus that forces you to respond instantaneously when you encounter a similar situation at a future time.

~Charles W. Hoge, M.D., Once a Warrior Always a Warrior

*****

There was a time about 2 years after Merry Katherine’s death, Tommy was going to go shooting clay targets with his friends. When I heard that a particular person was going whom I knew to be very reckless and therefore potentially dangerous in a hunting-type setting (I wasn’t aware at the time that shooting at clay targets is a much more controlled environment, but still…), all of my senses must have triggered my amygdala in my limbic system as I began almost panicking, begging Tommy not to go, because in my mind, all I could see as a result of such a trip was a dead husband being returned to me.

I was triggered – IN the danger, here and now – and even though I knew it might not be rational, it was REAL, it was DANGER, and everything needed to STOP.

Tommy on the other hand had been feeling his PTSD and all the cortisol upload in his system, and felt the URGENT need that he needed to go SHOOT something, or he was going to be endangering himself internally.

Somehow, without his even saying that, I knew that was the case, and so I also felt for him and his need, but my DANGER signals going on in my body were screaming louder inside my heart. So we butted heads, and then he went on.

This is a great example of the clashing of husband and wife grief. What one might demand, the other might –at the same time—abhor.

This is also a great example of the primitive limbic system at work in our bodies.

Pictures, thanks to FotoSearch.com

Wednesday's Woe - Silent Epidemic Killing our Kids ~Tommy and Angie Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Silent Epidemic Killing our Kids

~Tommy and Angie Prince

Tonight, we as a family watched the first in a series of the Henry Granju story on a local Knoxville television channel (WBIR). This thirty-minute episode is the first in a series about the silent epidemic killing our kids. Sobering. Sad. And haunting.

Katie Granju, Henry's mother, is a new "blog friend" of mine. (You may be familiar with her blog at mamapundit.com.) Katie and her family are graciously sharing their heart-wrenching story with us in an attempt to save other children who may even now be at risk to this silent but deadly epidemic.

Katie's own son Henry, bright, talented, and handsome, got caught up in a drug addiction that along with the drug world that surrounded him ultimately took his life at the tender age of 18. Robert Allison (Henry's maternal uncle) said that the hard narcotics we think of as the ones that hard-core junkies shoot up on, are now available to our kids in pill form...

Tonight's episode traced the tragedy of this bright child whose soul was captured by addiction and whose will was overcome by his craving for more. At age 14 when Henry first smoked marijuana, he said, "Oh, THIS is how I'm supposed to feel!" Scary. It's as though the drug takes the rational part of the brain and holds it hostage, meanwhile slowly destroying his body while his mind is on hold and his body is "feeling" good.

Katie and Henry Granju

The show was very well done, but it was gut-wrenching. Being that my daughter went through a similar process of losing her identity into that swirling world of junk, even if in a different form, it hit home with me...

Then a client calls me to help her walk through what she as a parent should do with her pill-addicted child...

It is all too much.

It literally terrorizes my heart. It paralyzes me. Kids self-destructing. Bright kids. Beautiful kids. Talented kids. Sensitive and Loving kids. It kills me.

Back to Henry's story. This one child had such a huge impact on everybody who was related to him. Brothers. Sisters. Cousins. Uncles. Aunts. Grandmother. Mother. Daddy. Step-mother. I was struck in the show by how many lives were emotionally undone by what Henry was into and how it was destroying him little by little, and now, are all undone by his death.

His mother knew Henry was going to have to get clean or die. Everyone was helpless. This was his only choice, and no one knew how to help him. They tried everything, but still, were helpless.

We are professionals in the field, and we didn't know how to help our own child to Stop.The.Madness.Before.It.Is.Too.Late.

And it was.

Katie and Henry Granju picture thanks to mamapundit.com