Tuesday's Trust - Don't Mess with a Grieving Mother!

Tuesday's Trust

Don't Mess with a Grieving Mother!

Since your assumptive world has been torpedoed,

Who can you trust?

And what can you trust?

Compassionate Friends has been very good to repeatedly tell us vulnerable Child-Loss grievers,

"Don't let ANYONE 'should' all over you. YOU decide what's best for you at all times."

Coming off the holidays, then the death of my mother, I had been getting all kinds of pressure about what I "should" be doing. And now, we have had another family event, upon which there was going to be a family get-together over that event (with a different part of family than the previous-mentioned events), and bless glory, here come the manipulative guilt-trips again... And this, from a person I generally like pretty much, is a likable person, and is usually a fairly sensitive person, but not this time...

WHAT?! I honestly don't think I could be this clueless with a grieving mother even before I became one.

WHO do these people think they are, and why are my feelings being treated like so much mincemeat for them to just step over before they kick me in the heart?

Why does no one hear my "NO"!? Is it because "It just isn't the answer we wanted to hear, so let's ignore it?"

It seems there's a grandiose judgmentalism out there that others think they know how to run my life better than I do. And over what? A party?! You've got to be kidding me. NOTHING about that is sacred. These people are majoring on the minors, and we can't even get the majors figured out thank you. Leave us alone so we can please try to get the majors figured out. YOU handle your minors if you think they are ALL important.

I have a new scale in my life, and none of the hoopla matters. What matters is what is real.

What gets put through the meat grinder when you lose a child is

"The world is predictable, and I'm in control."

And the rebound effect of that is -

"Things are chaotic, and I am helpless."

My emotions are FULL, thank you. If I have room left over for other family issues, I'll let you know. But don't you DARE presume that things surely are hunky dory by now when I still can't even function, much less have room to fulfill your social obligations you have set up for me.

And that's all they are folks. Social obligations. They are not litmus tests for how much I love, I assure you.

How do we get it through people's heads, our lives have been turned upside down and inside out?

When this same person taunted me that she started to come to my house to sing Christmas carols over the holidays (when we weren't up for coming over to their house for a get-together!) just to get us to come out of the house, wisely my son told them that wouldn't be a good idea...

I assured her he was right, then told her when someone comes over to my house without calling first, I not only go to the door with a loaded gun, I go to the door with that gun loaded AND cocked. Don't mess with my PTSD that can signal DANGER at any turn...

BEST not to MESS with a GRIEVING MOTHER, period!

******

Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand. For the Lord is able to make him stand.

One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God, and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord....

You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or, why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat... So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way... If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died...

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

~Romans 14:4-19 NIV

Picture thanks to FotoSearch.com

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Her Hearts Cry / Jesus Take the Wheel ~Carrie Underwood

Merry Katherine and I at the beach August, 2005

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Her Hearts Cry

~

Jesus Take the Wheel

~Carrie Underwood

Her Heart's Cry: "Jesus, Take the Wheel!"

It was August, just one year before

That very drastic day

When her driver let the car drift off

The road, taking her life away.

She and I were going to

The beach that we both so loved...

After two hard years

Of her acting out, she slipped this from its glove...

Put it in the truck's c.d. player for me to hear,

A c.d. entitled simply, "Believe,"

Playing the song that you'll hear here...

Less than one year later, she'd see her mommy grieve...

She played that song, her heart's cry;

She wanted me to know

That though her body acted out,

Her heart before her God was hurting so.

"Jesus take the wheel!" the song would play,

I teased her, "Wait, will this song end well?"

As songs she loved would oft depress her mommy's heart.

She laughed, assuring me it would, one year before I'd be living hell...

Two days after she was killed,

An intuitive friend of mine came by to grieve:

"I think Merry Katherine wants you to have this,"

And she handed me a metal scripted word that simply said,

"Believe."

My friend had no clue of the incident I just shared,

And at the time, I didn't quickly clue in either.

But later when before my Lord, my heart was bared,

I got her message from Heaven, to her Mommy, now a griever...

And though now I'm living hell,

Hurting, missing her, and just wanting her near,

Thankfully my precious child revealed her heart,

And though I'm hurting, I must admit,

Even though we are temporarily apart,

"Yes, her story truly does end... Well!"

Jesus Take the Wheel

Carrie Underwood

Lyrics

Songwriters: James, Brett; Lindsey, Hillary; Sampson, Gordie;

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati

On a snow white Christmas Eve

Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy

With the baby in the backseat

Fifty miles to go and she was running low

On faith and gasoline

It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention

She was going way too fast

Before she knew it she was spinning

On a thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyes

She didn't even have time to cry

She was so scared

She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel

Take it from my hands

'Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

So give me one more chance

To save me from this road I'm on

Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder

And the car came to a stop

She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat

Sleeping like a rock

And for the first time in a long time

She bowed her head to pray

She said I'm sorry for the way

I've been living my life

I know I've got to change

So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel

Take it from my hands

'Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

So give me one more chance

To save me from this road I'm on

Oh Jesus, take the wheel

Oh, I'm letting go

So give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on

From this road I'm on

Jesus, take the wheel

Oh, take it, take it from me

Oh, why, ooh

Picture: Mine

Poem - Her Heart's Cry: "Jesus, Take the Wheel!" -Angie Bennett Prince - 1/22/2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcR8N_v0ymQ

Lyrics: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/carrie-underwood-lyrics/jesus-take-the-wheel-lyrics.html

Friday's Faith - Peek-A-Boo

Friday's Faith

Peek-A-Boo!

Peek-a-boo, I-see-you!

How oft did we play that game?

What if then, we really knew...

If one would leave, the other would never be the same?

Peek-a-boo, I-see-you!

~A very first game of a child...

Is this an innate urge to...

With baby and mommy, death t' reconcile?

Peek-a-boo, I-see-you,

Now-I-see-you, Now-I-don't!

I see you now baby,

But then you are gone.

And yet, the end of the story maybe

Is not that you are gone,

But ~ I'll see you again when I'm Home!

~ABP

Picture: Thanks to FotoSearch.com

Poem - Peek-A-Boo! - Angie Bennett Prince - 1/20/2011

Thursday's Therapy - TRAUMA Therapy Toolbox - Treatment and the PTSD Paradox ~Charles W. Hoge (Part One

Thursday's Therapy

TRAUMA Therapy Toolbox

Treatment and the PTSD Paradox

~Colonel Charles W. Hoge, M.D.

(Part One)

Treatment and the PTSD Paradox

Gathered from One a Warrior Always a Warrior, ~author Charles W. Hoge, who is both a medical doctor and a U. S. Army Colonel:

Neurobiological research has helped us to understand that PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is not an "emotional" or "psychological" disorder, but a physiological condition that affects the entire body, including

• cardiovascular functioning,
• hormone system balance, and
• immune functioning.

PTSD can result in

• physical,
• cognitive,
• psychological,
• emotional, and
• behavioral reactions

that all have a physiological basis.

PTSD is a paradox.

For medical professionals it's simply defined by the specific set of symptoms and impairment.

However, every "symptom" included in the definition (of PTSD) can also reflect normal responses to life-threatening events or the normal way the body responds to extreme stress....

Perceptions Matter. Why is this important? ...If you view yourself...as having a disorder according to what a professional (or society) says, rather than someone experiencing expected reactions from (severe stress), it affects how you feel and think abut yourself....

A negative perception of yourself actually affects your body chemistry.

Perceptions (usually considered in the realm of psychology) involve nerve functions that connect with virtually all organ systems in the body. The mind and body are not separate.

Many therapies focus on helping to correct negative perceptions through a process called "positive reframing." Having a positive view of yourself is an essential starting place toward navigating the reactions resulting from (severe stress) experiences.

Mental health professionals can contribute to the stigma of mental illness through the perception that most everyone coming into their office has something wrong with them. A therapist's role isn't typically one of a minister or coach, but rather that of an educated professional entrusted to make the correct diagnosis so that the right treatment can be prescribed.

This perspective sets up an expectation that this person {the "expert"} is the judge of what's normal or abnormal, rather than an ally helping the client navigate their own way through serious life difficulties.

Some therapists fool themselves into thinking they know what the best treatment is for each individual sitting in front of them. Good therapists understand that they don't know what's best for their client, and set the stage by helping to normalize the experience of the client by saying something like, "I don't see how you could have done anything differently at the time," or "How did you have the strength to respond in that way?"

Everyone who has ever deployed to a war zone (and I would add to a Child-Loss Grief-War) is changed by his or her experiences; it would be abnormal not to be.

Some reactions may seriously interfere with your life, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you as a person. There are things that you'll identify and want to change, but, more important,

the journey of readjusting...is one of learning to live with your experiences, and of integrating them into who you are....

If we take each component of the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistics Manual that psychology professionals use for ascertaining diagnoses) definition of PTSD and break it down...

Every "symptom" of PTSD stems from things your body normally does in response to severe danger or stress. PTSD symptoms can be manifestations of normal stress reactions to threatening situations, as well as a disorder that requires treatment.

That's the paradox of it.

(In other words, what our bodies do to cope with stress at the time of the severe threat is very appropriate to help one deal with the severe distress in a self-preserving way.

The problem comes when the severe threat is gone, but our bodies are still wired for severe distress!

That is when we start to have problems because we cannot seem to get our bodies to gear DOWN as automatically as they geared UP.

Therein lies the conundrum.

We want to take healthy steps to help our bodies gear down so that the stress hormones that help us in a crisis do not STAY in our systems which could lead to tearing DOWN the very systems the hormones were originally trying to PROTECT!)

~author Charles W. Hoge, who is both a medical doctor and a U. S. Army Colonel, from One a Warrior Always a Warrior

(In Hoge's writings which are italicized above, I substituted "severe stress" for Hoge's word "combat" since my audience is distressed by Child-Loss Grief and Trauma, a different kind of "combat" than war. Unitalicized words are mine.)

To be continued...

Picture from FotoSearch.com

Excerpts were taken from pages 3, 9-11 of Colonel Hoge's book, Once a Warrior Always a Warrior