Wednesday's Woe - Grief's Prisoner

Wednesday's Woe

Grief's Prisoner

Prisoner in my own body. Held hostage. Can't trust my own being anymore.

3:00 a.m. ~ awake again. Not just awake. Wide awake. 4 hours of sleep. I need 8. But, I get up, go to the restroom...

Now I am awake. Strike that. It is more like, now I am Hypervigilant!

No longer can I just go to the restroom, then fall back in bed and crash back into a sound sleep. As Tommy realized I had awakened, we began to talk - he'd already awakened at 2:00. Neither of us could go back to sleep. As we talked, he asked a good question:

"Since Merry Katherine's death, over these past (what is now?) 5 1/2 years, have you had a good night's sleep?"

I had to honestly answer, "No." If I have had one, it's been the exception, but I honestly cannot remember a night of a solid 8-hours of sleep. He couldn't remember me having one either.

I have coped with that by finding some time during the day to take a long nap to ensure that my poor grief-torn body at least gets around 8 hours of sleep from somewhere.

But that's not all. The other development, really since Day One when we were told Merry Katherine was killed, is that stress takes its toll on me through my gastro-intestinal system. It's as if my body were wired to vent the stress through upsetting my tummy. Ouch. And my system must be finely wired, such that the alarm goes off with barely a trip of the wire it seems. And when that happens, then

I feel like I am a prisoner of my own body, and a prisoner of my own home.

The only people who can count on seeing me on a regular basis are my immediate family members, and my clients. A neighbor was teasing Tommy that he hadn't even gotten to meet me yet, and asked when was he going to get to meet me? Tommy teased back and said, "Nobody sees her. If you want to see her, call her and make an appointment and bring your checkbook with you, because all she sees are her clients." You remember the old saying, "There's a lot of truth in jest!" Well, there you go. That just about sums it up.

I don't like it. And I am trying to train my body to be more resilient with a pretty strong aerobic work-out routine, and a very mindful diet. But meanwhile, it is what it is, and I just deal with it.

For Tommy, his stress now sets off high blood pressure. And he thinks the wear and tear of the trauma of child-loss definitely contributed to his body succumbing to cancer (that he discovered he had just 5 months ago) as well. He too is working hard at trying to build up his immune system with proper exercise and proper diet, but it is a daily battle.

It is a daily battle for both of us. I wonder if the battle will ever subside to give us a few moments reprieve. I pray so. I miss my carefree health I could always count on.

And I am sometimes terrorized if I have some heavy-duty-traumatized clients scheduled, will my body cooperate today and allow me to help them?

Some of my clients have lasted the entire 5 1/2 years with me through the grief, and they learned they needed to call me 30 minutes before the appointment to ask, "Is this a good day?" before coming into their previously scheduled appointment. It has worked out fairly well that way. (So thankful to my clients who have been so graciously willing to be flexible!)

What about you?

How does the stress of the grief and trauma over your child's death play out in your body, or soul, or spirit, or mind, or behavior?

Do you ever feel like you are Grief's Prisoner?

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch

Tuesday's Trust - A Grieving Mother's "Day Off"

Tuesday's Trust

A Grieving Mother's "Day Off"

It's a day off ~ you'd think I'd have no cares.

I go to sleep ~ awaken to nightmares...

You needed help ~ there was no help I'd find;

I saw the one ~ who'd always helped... was blind.

Is this my life ~ suspended in mid-air?

What is my crime? For you, I'll always care.

A mommy's love ~ should soothe your hurts away.

But when I look ~ I see you've gone away.

Your heart's at rest ~ may that sink in, I pray.

My God knows best ~ He holds you close today.

Your mommy tried ~ she couldn't reach your heart.

And now you've died ~ and now we are apart.

I guess you know ~ you're always in my heart.

I'll see you soon ~ Would someone tell my heart?

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Come Unto Me ~Nicole C. Mullen

Come unto Me all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest...

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,

for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls,

for My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

~Matthew 11:28-30

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Come Unto Me

~Nicole C. Mullen

Come Unto Me

~Nicole C. Mullen

Are you looking for someone to be gentle

With your broken heart, your shattered dreams?

And are you searching for someone who'll be faithful

To you no matter what life brings?

Well, I know the Maker of the storm, the sunrise

He is both the Lion and the Lamb

He is strong enough to shake all earth and heaven

Yet meek enough to take me as I am

He says, "Come unto Me

All who are weary,

And I will give you rest ~

Bring what hurts, bring your scars

Bring the load that you carry,

And I will give you rest."

Are the clouds above your head oh so heavy

Bursting with showers of despair?

Do you struggle under more than you can carry?

Has life given more than you can bear?

Then would you like to trade your failures in for victories,

Like piles of ashes in for piles of gold?

And can you fall down like a child who is helpless

So He can pick you up and make you whole?

He says, "Come unto Me all who are weary,

And I will give you rest ~

Bring what hurts, bring your scars

Bring the load that you carry

And I will give you..."

la la la la la la

la la la la la la

la la la la la la la la

la la la la la la

la la la la la la

la la la la la la la la

"Come---

All who are weary

And I will give you rest"

Bring what hurts

Bring your scars

Bring the load that you carry

And I will give you

Come---

All who are weary

Come---

All who are weary

(He'll bring Heaven on earth)

Come---

(Come)

All who are weary

(If you're feeling tired)

Come---

(He says, "Come!")

All who are weary

(All... you'll be feeling kinda good)

Come---

(He wants you)

All who are weary

(If the skies above your head are blue)

Come---

(If they're bursting with despair)

All who are weary

(He says)

"Come!"

http://youtu.be/ObyOYaGwv7g

Saturday's Sayings - You Can Never Prepare...

~ You Can Never Prepare For The Moments That Change Your Life ~

Saturday's Sayings

You Can Never Prepare...

*****

~Grieving Mothers

Grief has dropped a bomb in your life.

You are shattered, blasted, blown apart and all but nearly destroyed.

Amongst the shards, amongst the debris, you live.

You don't know how. You can't see.

You can do nothing but feel the pain that is within you and around you.

You don't understand, you will never understand.

You lay down amongst the rubble for you can do nothing else

and you cry, like you have never cried in your life before

and you think why me, why this?

And somehow

without knowing how

you uncurl yourself

and brush yet more tears from your face

and you walk.

You begin to pick up a shard,

a broken piece of your life here

and a broken piece there.

They don't fit together anymore, they can't.

There is no going back to what once was.

And as each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew,

so do you.

Your shape is a stranger to you now and to everyone else.

Your pieces have become you.

They speak of your strength,

of your courage

and they speak of you,

the vulnerable you,

the broken you,

the loving you

and the wonderful you.

~Grieving Mothers

*****

*****

---- Grief Credo ----

˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·

I believe grief is a process that involves a lot of time,

energy

and determination.

I won't "get over it" in a (hurry),

so don't rush me!

I believe grief is intensely personal.

This is my grief.

Don't tell me how I should be doing it.

Don't tell me what's right or what's wrong.

I'm doing it my way,

in my time.

I believe grief is affecting me in many ways.

I am being affected

spiritually,

physically,

emotionally,

socially and

mentally.

If I'm not acting like my old self,

it's because I'm not my old self

and some days even I

don't understand myself.

I believe I will be affected in some way by this loss for the rest of my life.

As I get older, I will have new insights into what this death means to me.

My loved one will continue to be part of my life and influence me until the day I die.

I believe I am being changed by this process.

I see life differently.

Some things that were once important to me aren't any more.

Some things I used to pay little or no attention to are now important.

I think a new me is emerging,

so don't be surprised -

and don't stand in the way.

~Writing Through Your Grief

*****

*****

THE AFTER LOSS CREDO

I need to talk about my loss.

I may often need to tell you what happened -

or to ask you why it happened.

Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself

face the reality of the death of my loved one.

I need to know that you care about me.

I need to feel your touch, your hugs.

I need you just to be "with" me.

(And I need to be with you.)

I need to know you believe in me and in my

ability to get through my grief in my own way.

(And in my own time.)

Please don't judge me now -

or think that I'm behaving strangely.

Remember I'm grieving.

I may even be in shock.

I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage.

I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt.

I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better

and then suddenly I seem to slip backward.

Grief makes me behave this way at times.

And please don't tell me you "know how I feel,"

or that it's time for me to get on with my life.

(I am probably already saying this to myself.)

What I need now is

time

to grieve

and to recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring.

Thank you for helping,

for understanding.

Thank you for praying for me.

And remember,

in the days or years ahead,

when you may have a loss

- when you need me

as I have needed you

- I will understand.

And then I will come

and be with you.

~Barbara Hills LesStrang

*****

No words I write can ever say,

How much I miss you everyday.

As time goes by the loneliness grows,

How I miss you, nobody knows.

I think of you in silence,

I often speak your name.

But all I have are memories

and a photo in a frame.

No one knows my sorrow.

No one sees me weep.

But the love I have for you,

Is in my heart to keep.

I've never stopped loving you--

I know I never will.

Deep inside my heart,

you are with me still.

Heartaches in this world are many,

But mine is worse than any.

My heart still aches as I whisper low,

"I love you and I miss you so."

The things we feel so deeply

are often the hardest to say,

But I just can't keep quiet anymore,

so I'll tell you anyway.

There is a place in my heart,

that no one else can fill.

I love you so, my precious child

. . . And I always will!

~author unknown

~shared by grieving mom Ethel Kowal, on her daughter Carissa's 2-year Angelversary

*****

*****

For some, especially for those whose interest relies heavily on pleasing everyone around them, wasting time on people who don't love them in an effort to try to convince those people to love them is a major part of their lives. If you are one of these people, it is time for you to make a change today. Life is way too short to waste time trying to convince someone that you are worthy to be loved. —

~My Attitude - My Life - My Rules

*****

What is an Angel Mom? She is a MOTHER first and foremost. She may have more than one child, but she has LOST a child to death. Some violent, some not...She is one of the strongest women you will ever meet. If you ask her though, she will say she is weak...She has so much love and compassion in her heart...she loves all her children equally...BUT she will ALWAYS miss her lost child...She will cry every night when she goes to bed...She will be OVER PROTECTIVE of her remaining children...because she KNOWS what can happen...It can be anywhere from 1 day to 50 years...but she will still cry for the child that is no longer there...So if you see her, mention her child's name...tell her that you remember them...because THAT IS ALL SHE WANTS...she will NEVER forget her child...but she fears ALL others will...just be KIND and let her know, no matter how long it has been, that you will ALWAYS remember her...child...too...♥ ♥ ♥

~Writing Through Your Grief

*****

*****

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

~Matthew 11:28-30

*****

*****

Most Images (unless otherwise indicated) are thanks to ~Death of a Loved One, Quotes, Poems, and Resources