Friday's Faith - "My Father's Love" ~by Grieving Mother, Wendy

Friday's Faith

"My Father's Love"

~by Grieving Mother, Wendy

Wendy, another grieving mother, lovingly agreed for me to share one of her recent blog posts with you all! Wendy lost her precious daughter Ashley in July of 2009 in a tragic boating accident; little Ashley had just turned eleven years old the week before... In her post from her own grief blog, "Flowers for Momma," posted near Valentine's Day, Wendy provides a great example of a grieving mother catching a glimpse of our Heavenly Father's heart breaking for us as He watches us, His children, amidst our own angst as we grieve our child.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2012

My Father's Love

Valentine's Day is two days away. I remember the way Ashley prepared for this day, carefully designing cards for the one's she loved, wording and rewording until she said it just right, cutting and pasting, trying her hardest to capture the vastness of her love and squish it onto a single card. She paged through magazines and browsed the card racks at stores trying to get ideas for the perfect cards. She would often beg me to let her buy a card from the store (she thought they did a better job), but mommy never relented, a card must be homemade, those were the best a little girl could give. As the day approached, Ashley was disgusted that this day did not deserve "a day off" status, like other holidays! Valentine's Day was a favorite for Ashley. It was the designated day for proclaiming our love for others! For Ashley, every day was valentine's day. She told me every day how much she loved me...that she loved me sooooo much, that in all the world, she would only pick me to be her mommy. Love. Ashley understood Love. She didn't just say how much she loved others, she showed them, every day!

Every year, I also spend an afternoon cutting and pasting as I make valentines for my children. I reflect on my love for each one of them as I make their cards. Although I begin with blank paper, I am amazed that I end up with a unique card designed with love for each one. Today, as I cut and paste, I can't help but to reflect on the lesson of love that my heavenly father has given given me a glimpse of this year.

Dear Ashley,

You taught me so much about love. Before you, I knew what it was like to be loved by my parents. I knew what it was like to love and be loved by my friends, my siblings, my family. I knew the love of my husband, and I knew that God loved me. When you came into my life, I began to know the love that pours from my soul, from the depths of my heart into the tiny life of my child, my flesh and blood. I never knew a love like this until you were born. I wondered how it was possible to love someone so much! What is more, you loved me back even more than I could fathom. Even though I was filled with flaws, you loved me anyway. I thanked God that He would give you a love for me despite who I am.

I loved you more and more. How could it be possible that the love I had for you the day you were born could possibly grow bigger, deeper, wider? As I loved you, I was showing you God's love. You loved God. As you grew, you loved Him more. The more you knew Him, the more you loved him. You would always tell me how much you loved me, and then you would say "but I love God the most." You pointed me back to God.

My heart and soul bleed as I ache for you. I so desperately want to hear those words again. I want to tell you how much I love you. You are gone. But, God remains. I can't always feel him. In the darkness I have wondered about His love. I could not understand. When I held you, in my joy, I knew God's love. How then, do I know God's love in my pain? God can't reveal to me the fullness of his love at first glance. His love grows bigger and deeper and wider as I walk with him.

A few weeks ago my heart was torn as I faced a very large mountain. God gave me the strength I needed to make it that day. Then, when I was fully poured out, I saw that I had only climbed the foothill to the mountain. For the first time in over two years, one of your siblings began to wail for you. The screams of death resounded from this house once again. I had no energy to face this mountain that day. There was no acceptance of my comfort. As I was forced to sit still and helplessly wait, I began to understand a glimpse of another aspect of love. God's love, in pain. My heart bled in agony as I listened. I longed to fix the pain. I wanted to take it far away, to wrap my child in my arms and remove the storm. But, as the storm violently surrounded me, patience filled my soul. I waited. I knew that my child needed to walk through it. I knew that my child would be stronger on the other side. I knew that although it was horrible, my child needed this in order to heal. I had to wait. I would walk my child through.

My eyes began to open and my heart wept as I felt my Father's love for me. I knew that his heart hurts when I am in pain. I knew that he patiently waits for me to walk through the storms, because he knows where I will be when I come through them. He knows that I need to face them, to endure them. He knows that each storm I walk through is making me stronger. He loves me in my pain. He understands.

God chose to show us love through the simple relationship between a parent and a child. I am also his child. He loves me the way He loves his son. God has given me the chance to understand the love a mother has for her children as I hold them in my arms. He as given me the chance to love my child through the searing pain of death, and he is showing me a glimpse of what it is like to love my child in pain and suffering.

God's love is deep, and wide, and high....and I will not see it fully until I am with him. Although I knew that God does not delight in our suffering, it was not until I loved my child through their suffering that I could even remotely understand that He is love even in the storm.

Happy Valentine's Day, my sweet girl!
love,
Mommy

Thank you Wendy for sharing your heart, and the Father's heart, with us all...

Picture: http://www.turnbacktogod.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/jesus-with-children-0401.jpg

Thursday's Therapy - Self-Care Amidst Violence and Trauma

Thursday's Therapy

Self-Care Amidst Violence and Trauma

Common Reactions to Violence and Trauma

Suggestions for Self-Care

~by the Community Crisis Response Team,
a Service of the Victims of Violence Program, Cambridge Hospital, Cambridge, MA

Which people are most affected by violence and trauma?

Many people may be affected by a violent event - both people who have been direct victims of violence, as well as family, friends, or others who have connections to the victims.

Following a traumatic event - whether it happens to you, or to someone you know - it is normal to feel it personally. We know that when people are direct victims of violence, they often have physical and emotional reactions that can last for a long time. But other people - family, friends, co-workers, emergency service personnel, neighbors, professional caregivers, witnesses to the violence, or others who have something in common with the victims - may also have reactions to a particular violent event. Although each person reacts differently, according to his/her personality, past experiences, and connection to the event, a wide range of common feelings and reactions can occur after a person has been involved in or heard about a traumatic or violent event.

How do people react to violence and trauma?

It depends on the individual. Each person will have his or her own set of reactions.

Here is a partial list of normal reactions to violence and other traumatic events. Each individual may have a number of several of these reactions.

COGNITIVE

• Difficulty remembering things
• Hard time making decisions
• Confusion
• Distortion of time
• Difficulty concentrating
• Too many thoughts at once
• Thinking about suicide
• Threatened assumptions (that the world is not safe or less safe than before
• Intrusive images
• Flashbacks
• Replaying the event

PSYCHOLOGICAL

• Feeling helpless, hopeless or powerless
  
• Grief/numbness
  
• Dread/fear/safety concerns
  
• Guilt
  
• Dependency
  
• Feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable
  
• Feeling not yourself
  
• Triggering of prior trauma or losses
  
• Emotional rollercoaster
  
• Nightmares

PHYSICAL

• Fatigue/change in sleep habits
  
• Eating/appetite problems
  
• Stomach problems
  
• Vomiting/diarrhea
  
• Sweating, rapid pulse, chest pains
  
• Dizziness, headaches
  
• Back or neck pain
  
• Startle reactions
  
• Catch colds or flu

SPIRITUAL

• Loss of faith
  
• Spiritual doubts
  
• Withdrawal from church community
  
• Lapses in spiritual practice
  
• Despair
  
• Questioning old beliefs
  
• Sense of the world being changed, out of kilter

RELATIONAL

• Withdrawing from, or clinging to, others
  
• Alienation from friends, family, co-workers who "don't understand"
  
• Breakdown in trust
  
• Changes in sexual activity
  
• False or distorted generalizations about others
  
• Doubts about relationships
  
• Alternately demanding or distant with others
  
• Irritability

What can you do to recover from trauma?

Different strategies work for different people. In the aftermath of violence and other trauma, people sometimes find themselves at a loss for how to deal with their feelings and reactions. One of the most important things is to establish some kind of routine, even if it is temporary or differs from your usual one. Listed below are some specific strategies that can help speed your recovery from trauma.

• Strategy: Diet
  As best you can, try to eat regularly. You may be tempted to eat lots of sweets, soft drinks, or coffee. Sugar and caffeine can actually increase your overall stress level, so try to limit how much of these you use. Sometimes under extreme stress, people use more alcohol or other drugs than usual. Alcohol and drugs may postpone some feelings or reactions, but they can actually make them worse. Use common sense about what you put into your body at this particular stressful time.

• Strategy: Rest and Relaxation
  It is important to maintain a regular schedule that allows for adequate amounts of sleep and relaxing, stress reducing activities. If you know any formal relaxation techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, use them. Otherwise, use whatever strategies usually help you relax: listen to music, read, go to church, take a walk, play with your children.

• Strategy: Physical Activity
  Exercise is one of the best ways of reducing stress. Although it may be difficult to find time for this, try to work it into your day. If you usually exercise, try working it back into your schedule. Walking is a great form of exercise. Be sure to check with your physician if you do not usually exercise. Encourage your children and yourself to play. It isn't just fun; it is a way for them and you to manage stress and anxious feelings.

• Strategy: Social Contacts
  Keeping contact with your family, friends, and co-workers and others who have gone through similar experiences, is another good strategy to reduce stress. You may sometimes want to be by yourself and that is fine. However, isolating yourself from those who know and care about you may make matters worse. Try to keep in contact as much as possible. Children, in particular, may need the attention and close physical contact of their parents and other caretakers.

• Strategy: Support Systems
  Talking about your own reactions to violence does help, even though it can be difficult. It is important that you choose people who will really listen to how you feel. Supportive listeners may be friends, family, clergy, teachers, or self-help groups. They may also be professional counselors. Keep in mind that people benefit most from counseling when they want it.

• Strategy: Support to Others
  Offering support to others, in addition to taking care of yourself, can help in recovering from the emotional impact of trauma. Many people find strength in participating in special events or community activities which honor victims or offer support to their loved ones. Religious services, community discussion and support groups, public ceremonies or memorials, and political activities are not for everyone. It is important that you become involved in such activities only when you choose to.
  

What can you expect in the course of recovery?

Recovery from the emotional impact of violence takes time and involves many different feelings. While we know there is a wide range of common, normal reactions to the experience of violence or trauma, we also know that each person may not have exactly the same feelings or reactions. Sometimes feelings change quickly or seem to go from one extreme to another. Try to be understanding of yourself and those you care about and recall that you may not have the same feelings or have them at exactly the same time.

Often people expect that their reactions should go away quickly, but this is not usually the case. Outside events sometimes slow down the recovery process. These may include media coverage of the event, court dates or times such as birthdays, holidays, or the anniversary of the event. If often helps to anticipate you might have feelings or reactions during these times. Keep in mind that this is common and usually passes with time. You will probably find that others are having similar reactions. Again, talking with someone you trust can be very helpful...

KEY POINTS:

* Many people may be affected (by) violence and trauma,
including direct victims and many other people who have
personal or work-related contact with victims.

* Each person has a unique reaction composed of many
different normal reactions. Reactions may be cognitive,
physical, spiritual, psychological or relational.

* Self-care is very important. Different strategies of
self-care will be effective for different people.

* Recovery takes time but will take place given adequate
support.

~This text was prepared by staff and colleagues of

The Community Crisis Response Team -

a service of the Victims of Violence Program,

The Cambridge Hospital (617)498-1180.

Wednesday's Woe - "CHILD-LOSS GRIEVER, RETURN TO STARTING LINE!" ~by grieving daddy, Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

"CHILD-LOSS GRIEVER,

RETURN TO STARTING LINE!"

~by grieving daddy, Tommy Prince

Occasionally on this blog, we've talked about the phenomenon of how, at times, in this experience of Child-Loss, it's like starting all over again in our deep grief...

It's been 5 1/2 years since we lost our 19-year-old only daughter. This past Sunday, we went to our older son Rollin's (and his wife Stephanie's) baby girl's dedication, our first little grand-daughter's baby dedication. The baby's dedication was held at the same church where we had my mother's funeral when I was 14 years old, and we had my daughter Merry Katherine's funeral when I was 54 years old. Now 5 1/2 years later, I return to the same church for my new (and only) grand-baby's dedication...

Other than attending our son Rollin's wedding ceremony there 3 1/2 years ago, this was the first time we had been back to the church since Merry Katherine's funeral, and the follow-up Christmas memorial that same year. Other than those times, we had not been back to church.

Leading up to this event, it had been a struggle for us to determine whether this was an event we could even take in. We had to seriously ask ourselves, were we up to it? Angie spent a few hours crying the night before the event, just listening to music and allowing herself to prepare for sitting back in the same church sanctuary, hearing the heart-touching music, and being surrounded by the same loving people who had loved and discipled our precious children through their high school and some of their college years. Prayerfully, we were able to go, and were so thankful we could be there for Rollin, for Stephanie, and for baby "Ellie."

Sunday came, and we went. I was doing fine enjoying the service, and then the baby dedication started. I was doing okay with Rollin and Stephanie going up front, holding baby Ellie, even with seeing Merry Katherine's white-lacy-baby-dedication-blanket held up close to Ellie... But suddenly, a young lady walked up to the microphone at the pulpit and shared that today we are celebrating the dedication of Merry Elizabeth Prince, who is the namesake of Merry Katherine Prince, while at the same time I glanced at the large screen back behind the pulpit (see picture above), and there on the big wide screen, in huge letters stands out "M-E-R-R-Y," my now deceased child's name, as a part of Merry Elizabeth Prince, and neither of these had I been expecting...

The impact of the shock of seeing her name sent me over the edge. It was already hard enough hearing someone else say she was Merry Katherine's namesake (I knew that, but to hear someone else say this stopped me in my tracks, and I felt a shock -- like being body-slammed emotionally to where I could barely maintain my composure -- Then, when I saw her name, the tears started trickling down my face, just like they are right now....

So, it was like starting all over with the emotional pain, like returning to the starting line of grief, as painful as it was 5 1/2 years ago.

It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong to get disqualified from the proverbial race, yet it's like an internal P. A. system blaring out,

"CHILD-LOSS GRIEVER, RETURN TO STARTING LINE!"

when I was just wanting to attend my grand-baby's dedication, and now I am totally undone!

Fortunately when people came up to speak after the service, I felt loved on, and it helped to ease the emotional devastation I was feeling.

Little do people know, it can be 5 1/2 years later but you can feel like you're going all the way back to the starting line of grief. So much for the so-called "Stages of Grief," unless of course there's a stage sort of like the child's game of "Chutes and Ladders" where you drop back down through the chute, all the way back to

Stage One: Start All Over!

Picture, thanks to our daughter-in-law, Stephanie Prince

Tuesday's Trust - Run the Gauntlet "If You Want To Be Loved On...!" - 5 1/2 Years Into My Grief

Tuesday's Trust

Run the Gauntlet

"If You Want To Be Loved On...!"

5 1/2 Years Into My Grief

Daniel Boone was made to "Run the Gauntlet" in order to survive capture by the Shawnee Indians. Running the Gauntlet involved passing through a long line of warriors who then beat at him with "clubs, hoe handles, tomahawks, and butcher knives." Many men die after Running the Gauntlet just once but Daniel Boone, though badly beaten, survived.

Collectivism: the practice or principle of giving a group priority over each individual in it.

Gauntlet: noun, consecutive tasks endured sequentially; as these do not cause serious injuries, only bearable pain; they are sometimes eagerly anticipated by the initiate as a sign of acceptance into a more prestigious group.

I'll never forget the words of psychologist, Diane Langberg, who has been in private practice for years as a Christian therapist working with extremely wounded people. She was teaching us Christian Counselors (along with other Christian workers in the church) in an American Association of Christian Counselors' (AACC) seminar (Diane is now the president of AACC), words to the following effect:

"Don't think that you can talk down to people from out of your ivory tower to tell them to come up out of the pit of their turmoil to come up to you. You must be humble, gentle, and kind like the Suffering Servant and go down into the pit with them, and walk alongside them awhile, and then gently lead them out of their pit."

Brilliant words if I've ever heard any that speak to the heart of the most healing ways in psychotherapy, for there is no place for pride and arrogance (ever, really, but especially) when you are working with a wounded soul.

Now we are the wounded souls, 5 1/2 years into our child-loss grief . . .

And unlike the words of Diane Langberg's gentle and kind spirit, I heard words from a woman who thinks of herself as being a caring person (as she heads up many of the outreach ministries of our Sunday School), yet her words resonated with the harsh attitude I had sensed all along from most of the Christians around me during these five-and-a-half arduous years of grieving the death of our 19-year-old child... while we are barely functional, just trying to survive . . . one tiny step at a time.

Yet the church people still seem to envision us as the strong people we once were . . . and therefore have totally unrealistic expectations for us. The Death of Our Child changes us, yet we are being asked to come back and "fit in" to a collective unit which no longer reflects our depth of need ~ as if we were fully functioning after such depths of grief, as if our child's death never happened, as if our lives haven't been changed forever (this side of Heaven anyway).

It feels as if many Christians are requiring us to "Run the Gauntlet" to prove our love for them before we can "deserve" any love from them ON TOP OF Surviving our Child-Loss Grief which, by itself alone, already feels well-nigh impossible.

People seem awfully threatened when we have a need to break away from the "pack" to get our deeper needs met. It is unfortunate they cannot just love us anyway, just as we are. But our hearts are tender, and we must discern the environments that are loving and healing, just as we must discern when they are not...

So I wrote the following poem today, amidst crying deep sobs of grief . . .

"If You Want To Be Loved On...!"

5 1/2 years, I'd been away

From the class I'd attended (before my child's death) every Sunday...

"You must come here if you want to be loved on!"

she said to me that day...

that day our grand baby was dedicated ~

when we could barely get away . . .

but we did because it was a very important day.

Then we visited the class in which we once had faithfully participated...

"You must come here if you want to be loved on!"

(Is that what it has come to now

In the church that proclaims Your name:

A disabled grieving mommy must bow

To their rules, though our world will NEVER be the same?

Where is the love, sweet Jesus, that sent You to the cross to die,

Where You gave up Your life for others

Though Your own precious life You had to deny

Yet, those who say they love You, love to us grieving mothers would deny?)

"You must come here if you want to be loved on!"

No, to that I won't agree ~

For my Savior who died on the cross,

In His great love, He comes to me.

(Forgive us Lord for being so blind

To those around us who need Your love

When we have in mind, they must step in line

To our tune, or miss out on Your love.)

"You must come here if you want to be loved on!"

But You say,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."*

Thank You, Lord ~ We don't have to wait on others; we'll bask in Your love instead!

(But do they have any idea the added wounds they dish out upon our head?)

*Matthew 5:4

Pictures - from www.runthegauntlet.com

Poem - "If You Want To Be Loved On..." ~ 5 1/2 Years Into My Grief - Angie Bennett Prince - 2/20/2012

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Not Alone ~Red

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Not Alone

~Red

I ended my first book with the words “no answer.” I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?

~from Till We Have Faces, by C. S. Lewis

Not Alone

~Red

• From album, Until We Have Faces
• Songwriters: Robert Graves III, Mark Holman, Jasen Rauch

Slowly fading away, you're lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light, someone who can save a life
You're living in fear that no one will hear your cry
Can You save me now?

I am with you, I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
'Cause you're not, you're not alone

Your heart is full of broken dreams, just a fading memory
And everything's gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again, when will it ever end?
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, but I am here

I am with you, I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
'Cause you're not, you're not alone

And I will be your hope when you feel like it's over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you're finally in my arms
Look up and see, Love has a face...

I am with you, I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
'Cause you're not, you're not alone

And I will be your hope, you're not alone
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope

Slowly fading away, you're lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?

Pictures, thanks to http://www.lordsart.com/

Saturday's Sayings - Grief Takes As Long As It Takes

Saturday's Sayings

Grief Takes As Long As It Takes

Grief is the human process we will all experience.

You do have a choice in how you handle your grief. Know that it is not a race, you need to find your own pace.

Grief comes in waves, from very intense to manageable we just ride the wave.

Anger, rage, fear, dread and guilt may pay us a visit. It's okay, we must feel those feelings as much as it may hurt. It is a normal way your body will process the grief. So this is a reminder to not prevent yourself from these feelings but to be compassionate with yourself - reach out for support, let yourself be nurtured.

~Grieving Mothers

*****

Love is a gift. It makes you feel richer, deeper, and brighter. When a loved one is gone, taken, it feels like the gift is gone. Remember that you are a different person because of their love. You would be another you if their soul hadn't graced your life. Although you long for their physical form, remember that the gift -- their love -- remains with you now and forever. ~Grieving Mothers

*****

*****

This photo from another friend "spoke" to me. I feel she, like me, is lost sometimes. That she is afraid to speak her mind...out of fear, confusion or just her grief. Will she be comforted when she speaks or told to "grow up and get over it." Will her words be truthful or what others are expecting to hear? The person inside her heart is always with her. Pushing her forward...yet holding her back. Her eyes are peacefully closed as memories of the past and lost hopes for the future keep her bound and unable to freely move in her present.

~Writing Through Your Grief

*****

A broken heart is like broken ribs. You can't see the damage, but every breath hurts.

~L.D.P., a grieving mother

*****

*****

Losing someone you love is painful. On that very moment you hear the news, your life is forever changed. Dealing with the physical and emotional loss leaves (you) feeling (you) are the only one in the world who is experiencing this much sadness. Following the death of my son, I retreated inward. Scared from the feelings I was having inside, I thought if I spoke with anyone about my emotions they would think I was crazy.

For probably the first year or so I was afraid of the world. I kept my other kids close and made very few friends out of fear they could not be trusted. I decided I would keep my pain inside and "deal with it"

...That is until I attended a conference for grieving people.

Listening to the other men and women sharing their stories I found myself saying "I thought I was the only one who felt that way". Sharing my story made it easier to bare, hearing others say what helped with their grief, help(ed) me with mine. I came to believe I had found my "Kindred Spirits." In an informal way, this term has come to mean someone you feel a connection with, or someone who understands you. These new friends seemed to share my goals of getting through every day and finding a way to keep the memory of my son alive.

The Urban Dictionary describes Kindred Spirits as "people that make a special connection by sharing a bond that has joined them by the means of an experience that has drawn them together on a higher level of consciousness. This connection can be from the same experience at the same time or two separate experiences similar in nature."

Working as a counselor for my local hospice I have seen the benefit of support groups: Seeing strangers meet on the first night and watching the(m) share, cry, grow and leave the group exchanging phone numbers or email addresses with a new friend who understands what you are going through.

Retreats come in all forms including some that promise to pamper the body, but Grieving in Plain Sight is designed to not only pamper your body, but to pamper your heart and mind as well. The companionship, the stories, the tips and suggestions learned will help those grieving no matter how long it has been. The phrase "you can't take care of others until you take care of yourself" has never been more appropriate than when it comes to calming the emotions of grief in your heart. Talking with others has helped me and if you attend a retreat it may help you too.

~Writing Through Your Grief

*****

Never compare your journey with someone else's. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but your journey is your journey. Its not a competition.

~Writing Through Your Grief

*****