Wednesday's Woe - On Our 2,177th day of grief...Anniversary Syndrome Rears Its Ugly Head ~by Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

On Our 2,177th day of grief...

Anniversary Syndrome Rears Its Ugly Head

~by Tommy Prince

From "Silent Grief - Child Loss Support":

Child loss isn't a temporary sad thing. Child loss is a forever heartbreak. There are no vaccines to protect us from the pain, nor is there anything to keep the pain from recurring throughout our entire lifetime. The phrase, "I'll be so glad when you get over this" should be wiped out and never used because it simply does NOT apply to child loss!!!! The loss of a child is something we will never "get over"!

~thanks to grieving mother, C. W.

The silent grief is making a lot of noise inside me. We are 15 days away from our child's death date, and the symptoms of 'Anniversary Syndrome' are already rearing their ugly heads. 

There's a sadness that's come over me that is making it difficult for me to even hold my head up. The fatigue is keeping me from being able to do what I want to do during the day. I only want to talk to people that I have to talk to. There's no energy to deal with any extra contact. My emotions are extremely tender... and testy; the short fuse is back. I go through periods of having a short fuse with myself and others, and I am back in that state. I am 'out of it' such that I am not as aware of my external surroundings as I need to be because my internal condition is demanding my all. So a couple of days ago, I unwittingly slammed my toe into the side of some wooden steps, and I could hear the ligaments around it snap. All because I am in a daze, caught up in the stupor of grief.

I am doing all the things I can to try to take care of myself by getting rest, exercise, etc. But this is a sadness and despair that I can't 'wish' away, or 'manage' away. The death date is coming, and there is nothing I can do about it. 

As "Silent Grief" so wisely stated,

Child loss isn't a temporary sad thing. 

Child loss is a forever heartbreak.

~~~

And so does a Dad....

Quote, thanks to grieving mother, C. W.

1st picture, thanks to grieving mother, B. J. K.

2nd picture, thanks to grieving mother,  J. W. T.

3rd picture, thanks to grieving mother, I. E.

Tuesday's Trust - I Have a Broken-Heart "Mother-Daughter" Necklace

Tuesday's Trust

I Have a Broken-Heart "Mother-Daughter" Necklace

I have a broken-heart "Mother-Daughter" necklace

representing my mother, my daughter, and myself,

our hearts ever entwined, our bond strong as a carapace,

even as two are now in Heaven, yet one is still here…

Each day, I shed many a tear,

my grief, so strong, it oft disarms,

But thankfully, the story doesn't end there,

for all three of us are bonded 

and 

surrounded with care,

now ensconced in Love, 

wrapped in Jesus' arms,

and we will be reunited One Day, 

when God, 

our broken hearts, 

will 

then 

repair.

Till then my broken heart

spills out

its loving care,

along with tears 

poured out

to water our Love so fair.

I have a broken-heart "Mother-Daughter" necklace

representing my mother, my daughter, and myself,

our hearts ever entwined, our bond strong as a carapace,

even as two are now in Heaven, yet one is still here…

Picture, via Amazon.com

Poem - I Have a Broken-Heart "Mother-Daughter" Necklace - Angie Bennett Prince - 7/8/2012

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Healing Rain ~Michael W. Smith

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Healing Rain

~Michael W. Smith

Healing Rain

~Michael W. Smith

Healing rain is coming down 

It's coming nearer to this old town 

Rich and poor, weak and strong 

It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down 

It's coming closer to the lost and found 

Tears of joy, and tears of shame 

Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire 

So let it fall and take us higher 

Healing rain, I'm not afraid 

To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return 

To the mercy seat where time began 

And in your eyes, I see the pain 

Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man 

Can take a leper and let him stand 

So lift your hands, they can be held 

By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire 

So let it fall and take us higher 

Healing rain, I'm not afraid 

To be washed in Heaven's rain

To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down 

Healing rain is falling down 

I'm not afraid 

I'm not afraid...

Healing rain is falling down 

Healing rain is falling down 

I'm not afraid 

I'm not afraid...

Healing rain is falling down 

Healing rain is falling down 

I'm not afraid 

I'm not afraid...

Healing rain is falling down 

Healing rain is falling down 

I'm not afraid 

I'm not afraid...

Picture, thanks to Google Images

Video: http://youtu.be/Bo1bjTOFbZA

Saturday's Sayings - The "new Normal," Part One

Saturday's Sayings

The "new Normal," 

Part One

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~All graphics and quotes within are thanks to, "Death of a Loved One ~ Quotes, Poems, and Resources"

Friday's Faith - How to See God's Love Amidst Our Child's Death...

Friday's Faith

How to See God's Love Amidst Our Child's Death...

I was starting to read my new novel from the library early this morning when I could not sleep. But first I read the preface poem; it stopped me in my tracks, and I knew I had to finish William Blake's poem… 

The first verse below is the poem by William Blake from Auguries of Innocence that prefaced my book Afterwards by brilliant author Rosamund Lupton whose prose itself reads more like poetry. The second two verses are mine. May you enjoy, and better yet, may you be ministered to by God's love that ever buttresses our hearts amidst our deep grief…

To See God's Love…

To see a world in a grain of sand

And a heaven in a wild flower,

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand 

And eternity in an hour.

To see God's love in the life of a man

And His Heaven in the face of a child,

Watch the tiny bird held in the palm of His hand,

And the delight of love light up in the face of the man's grandchild.

To see God's love for mine and your child,

Look at the life that to you was born;

Though we may not see them for quite a long while,

He holds them There for us till our night breaks through to Morn.

Picture, thanks to "Angels on Loan"
Poem - Verse One, by William Blake from Auguries of Innocence, as quoted in Afterwards by Rosamund Lupton
Poem - Verses One and Two - To See God's Love - Angie Bennett Prince - July 13, 2012

Thursday's Therapy - A Different Kind of Therapy...

Thursday's Therapy

A Different Kind of Therapy...

In attending Dr. Bessel A. van der Kolk's seminar, Tommy and I were reminded that our severely traumatized brains are best approached "through the back door" to our brains so-to-speak. Since the amygdala is the part of the brain that deals with trauma (danger, fear, etc.), the traumatic information gets locked down there, and is not allowed further access to the rest of the brain which could actually help to further process the information in a most healing way. Instead, with the traumatic information locked down into the amygdala, we too often are stuck in a "Fight-Flight-Freeze-or-Submit" mode to deal with our trauma. "Submit" is a term we haven't used before in this trauma-reaction process, but it is an equally adaptive response to stress when the stress is dangerous and/or overwhelming, such that there is no way to conquer the stress; there is no way to run from the stress; it is too dangerous to simply freeze and assess our next action; but we must do something immediately to cope with the endangering stressors:

The submit response involves shutting down the body's active defenses, or a dissociative response... The purpose of this response is to avoid further enraging an aggressor and to disconnect with the pain associated with an attack. 

~from Overcoming Trauma through Yoga: Reclaiming Your Body

Cortisol is sent into the system soon after the adrenaline has been coursing through our bodies to deal with the shock of losing our child as these stress hormones  continue helping the body cope with trauma by knowing whether to run from danger, fight danger head on, stand still and do nothing -- "freeze," or dissociate from our own body and emotions so that we can do whatever is necessary to survive the incumbent danger coming our way -- "submit."

But sometimes this cortisol problem becomes compounded over the years, and we find ourselves in the land of PTSD,  in which we become hyper-vigilant, hyper-aroused, and even confused as to whether we can trust our own brains to tell us whether current circumstances should be alarming or whether we are just stuck in an alarmed state that views even the uncritical as a crisis because our brains are still sending the "danger" alarms. At these times, it is most important to approach the healing of our traumatized systems "through the back door" to the brain, through the senses. Soothing the senses through calming types of sight, smell, hearing, feeling (textures, etc. for instance), and taste begins to calm the amygdala down; senses enter the brain through the amygdala and when the amygdala is already overloaded with traumatic messages, it will continually send the message that we are in danger even when we aren't, so it needs the tender nurturing of taking in healing images, aromas, sounds, tastes, and textures to be able to counter the continual disruptive sensations of trauma.

(Add to this awareness of your senses the movement-of-your-body with walking, jogging, jumping, aerobics, horse-back riding, etc. and you will likely find some amazing results in calming your agitated being - and therefore reducing the cortisol from coursing through your system. As Tommy's medical doctor said to him as he was becoming aware of high blood pressure becoming a potential problem as it often compromises the immune system, "The good hormones are just waiting to be activated by moderate but fairly frequent exercise so that they can restore your healthy immune system!" Otherwise, we are left to the mercy of what adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones) may do to the body over time.)  

It is amazing to me that I and many other grieving mothers with whom I have spoken intuitively knew early on in our Child-Loss Grief that we needed to be outdoors a great deal for extended periods of relaxation and meditation, just soaking up Mother Nature all around us to soothe our war-torn beings. And sure enough, in Tommy's and my trauma conferences we have attended, now we are seeing the wisdom of such intuition along with discovering the scientific reasoning behind it. 

The following article is so simple, I don't want you to miss its message, for "mindfulness" is now known to be a clear part of the healing of our trauma, and "mindfulness" is really just a slowing down and becoming aware of the current world around us in ways that are soothing to our emotions and our senses and therefore healing to our bodies and our traumatized brains. The simplicity of such mindfulness can cause us to overlook its real value. So, in this light, please read the following article with an open mind and a willing heart to try the very simple things that can be self-soothing, and over time, incredibly healing.

Affordable Therapy: A Walk In The Woods

By GERTI SCHOEN, MA, LP

Everybody has felt the positive impact of being out in nature: we feel the calming effect of sitting in a meadow or by the ocean. We feel energized by climbing a mountain or swimming in a lake.

It doesn’t take rocket science to know how good it is for us to get in touch with nature. But this is what is happening in Japan where a “new” form of therapy is on the rise: Shinrin-Yoku, which means forest bathing.

Scientists have discovered the therapeutic effects of walking in the woods. Before and after they embark on their stroll, they measure the blood pressure and cortisol levels in the blood of their test subjects, which indicate how stressed they are.

After half an hour of slow walking, there is a clear decrease in the measurable signs of stress. Even the body’s natural killer cells, which fight disease in us, are positively impacted. In Japan, forest bathing is becoming a part of preventive medicine, since so many of our modern day illnesses are stress based.

The trick is to walk in the woods slowly. Engage all your senses. Take in the cool air, smell the scents of the forest. Pay attention to the colors and sounds.

This way a walk becomes a form of meditation. We become mindful of our environment. The slower pace makes us more perceptive of subtle details. The over stimulation of the city environment is lacking and everything slows down.

This is when relaxation sets in.

Article, thanks to psychcentral.com: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/gentle-self/2012/06/affordable-therapy-a walk-in-the-woods/

Wednesday's Woe Some of the Ways My Life Has Not Been the Same … ~by Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Some of the Ways 

My Life 

Has Not Been the Same …

~by Tommy Prince

I know my life will never be the same. I felt that immediately the day I saw the policeman walk into my back yard while I was cutting the grass. Some ways it is not the same are obvious as I lost my 19-year-old baby girl, and my heart is forever broken until I see her again One Day.

There are other unexpected ways that my life has changed over these past years. I notice there is a cap on my positive emotions now. Yet…there is an unlimited depth to my pain.

It is almost like I have a restrainer on my positive emotions. It's as if something were always commanding, "Don't let your positive emotions get beyond a certain point." I guess it's kind of a reverse self-protection program.

Two of the areas that have greatly changed for me are Playing Music, and Politics.

Before my child's death, if I had drum sticks in my hand and was in a band, I was happy. As an avocation, I played in several church orchestras. I also played with several bands at churches, jazz clubs, country clubs, private parties and restaurants with other musicians who created and played their original music. Since my child's death, I've tried playing with some bands, and it is not the same. The joy is not there when I'm playing. I find myself just going through the motions of the music, just trying to make it through each song.

With politics, before her death, I had served eight years on our local school board. A former colleague who had served with me on the school board later lost his child, about five years before we lost Merry Katherine. After Merry Katherine's death, in talking with him and his wife, my former colleague decided to run for office in the state legislature. Several people had been encouraging me to run for representative to our state legislature as well. Since I had enjoyed politics so much before and seemed to be fairly good at it, I began to entertain the notion. Angie and I met with a good friend of ours who is a lobbyist in the state legislature, and who has managed campaigns for several people over the years. We discussed the possibility in great detail with him. Then we went to a seminar that taught us how to run a campaign at the state level. 

In an attempt to get back out in the political world, I then attended a local political meeting and found myself so disgusted, I ended up walking out. I couldn't deal with the pettiness that I was hearing. I now know what is important and that stuff wasn't important. We Child-Loss Grievers know what is really important, and such pettiness that is so typical of constituents is just not important.

I found my enthusiasms changing. Too often, what once interested me and engaged me on many different levels, now, I find disgusts me. Now, as I approach any situation, I internally react, saying to myself, "No good can come from this," and typically that has been true for me since my child's death. I either get triggered by something or I get disgusted with the nonsense other people get so caught up in. The things I used to find great joy in, I no longer find joy in them at all.

Picture, thanks to Google Images

Tuesday's Trust - A Cry to Heaven and God's Response

Tuesday's Trust

A Cry to Heaven, and God's Response

For us Child-Loss Grievers,

Post-Traumatic Stress

Adds to our duress ~

Hearts and Minds

And Souls so stressed,

It's hard for us to find

Our body's needed rest ~

How do we decompress?

Lord, our bodies crave Your peace

Amidst the Soul's Dark Night;

Please give us sweet release ~

You recognize our plight:

To battle Satan, Sin and Death

Who together seemed to win…

To claim our own child's breath;

We're thrown in Vile One's den.

We need Your Life-giving touch 

To deliver us again.

We love our child too much

To never see her again.

Then God lovingly replies,

My child, for this temporary while,

Satan does hold the power of death ~

But, remember, I do hold your child,

And I've restored her breath.

Learn to rest in me

For I do see your plight ~

My Son destroyed Death's Night

My Own Son suffered Death

That your child might have her breath.

Take time to be with Me

To restore your spirit with eyes to see:

Your child resides with Me,

From Satan, Sin, and Death set free;

Her spirit thrives in Heaven, alive eternally,

Excitedly awaiting your arrival to live with her and Me,

While all the saints in Heaven help us prepare a room for thee.

You will see Satan, Sin, And Death destroyed and live in peace eternally.

Take My hand, I'll give you eyes to see;

Meanwhile, I am here to comfort you each day;

When your faith grows weak, just look to Me and pray.

Merry Katherine is alive; she is Here with Me!

When sorrow does arise, look up and you will "see."

Your baby does thrive and does often visit thee;

We're just beyond the Veil, not so very far ~

We watch your every move and come to soothe your broken heart. 

Your loving heart does suffer now

Till Joy blossoms from all your tears rained down…

Scripture:

"What is man that You are mindful of him,
the Son of Man that You care for Him?
You made Him a little lower than the angels;
You crowned Him with glory and honor
and put everything under His feet."


In putting everything under Him,
God left nothing that is not subject to Him.
Yet at present we do not see everything subject to Him.
But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels,
now crowned with glory and honor because He suffered death,
so that by the grace of God He might taste death for everyone.


In bringing many sons to glory
it was fitting that God,
for whom and through whom everything exists,
should make the Author of their Salvation
perfect through suffering.


Both the One who makes men holy
and those who are made holy
are of the same family.
So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers.


He says,
"I will declare Your Name to My brothers;
in the presence of the congregation
I will sing Your praises."


And again,
"I will put My trust in Him."


And again He says,
"Here am I, and the children God has given Me."


Since the children have flesh and blood,
He too shared in their humanity
so that by His death He might destroy him who holds the power of death---
that is, the devil---
and free those who all their lives
were held in slavery by their fear of death.


For surely it is not angels He helps,
but Abraham's descendants.
For this reason He had to be made like His
brothers in every way, in order that He
might become a merciful and faithful
High Priest in service to God,
and that He might make atonement for the sins of the people.
Because He Himself suffered when He was tempted,
He is able to help those who are being tempted.


Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the 
Heavenly calling,
fix your thoughts on Jesus,
the Apostle and High Priest whom we confess.


...Therefore, since we have a Great High Priest
who has gone through the Heavens,
Jesus the Son of God,
let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.
For we do not have a High Priest who is unable
to sympathize with our weaknesses,
but we have One who was tempted in
every way, just as we are
---yet was without sin.


Let us then approach the Throne of Grace
with confidence, so that we may receive mercy
and find grace to help us in our time of need.


~Hebrews 2:7b-3:1, 4:14-16

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great crowd of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Pioneer and Perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow  weary and lose heart.

~Hebrews 11:39 - 12:3

Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mothers, Barbara Karrer
Poem - A Cry to Heaven, and God's Response - Angie Bennett Prince - July 9, 2012
Scriptures - from the New International Version of God's Holy Word 

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Where I Belong ~Building 429

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Where I Belong

~Building 429

Where I Belong

~Building 429

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching 

From the outside

Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing.

But am I alive?

I won't keep searching for answers 

That aren't here to find.

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling 

down on me

And when I'm lost in the current 

of a raging sea,

I have this blessed assurance 

holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes 

I wanna be found in You

When the lights fade 

I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

Where I belong

Where I belong

Where I belong

Where I belong!

Picture and Video: http://youtu.be/pPPCtYPUnfk

Saturday's Sayings - Finding Hope Along the Journey, ~The Grief Toolbox

Saturday's Sayings

Finding Hope Along the Journey  

~The Grief Toolbox

Tools for finding hope along the journey: Understanding healing


Can we heal from the death of a loved one? When we are grieving sometimes our answer is NOT EVER! What does it mean to heal? If we look to physical wounds we can learn something about healing a broken heart. When we are severely cut or break a bone they heal, but they are never the same; residual pain and scarring can be there for a lifetime. The initial constant, searing pain of a broken heart will subside but the aching will remain. Healing is not the absence of pain; it is the recognition that sorrow and joy ca co-exist.

~ ©The Grief Toolbox

 

~~~~~

"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all…it comes with bitterest agony…Perfect relief is not possible except with time. You cannot realize that you will ever feel better…and yet this is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have experienced enough to know what I say."

~Abraham Lincoln 

(In the U.S.A.,) Twenty-two of our 44 presidents and their wives are bereaved parents:

• John Adams, lost his son Charles, 20, while he was president. 
• Thomas Jefferson had six children and only two lived to maturity. One daughter, Mary, 26, died while he was president. 
• James Monroe lost a son two years of age. 
• John Quincy Adams lost a daughter in infancy; a son died while Adams was president; and another son died five years later. 
• William Harrison had ten children; six died before he became president. 
• Zachary Taylor had six children; two died as infants and a daughter died three months after her wedding. 
• Millard Fillmore's daughter Abigail died at 22. 
• Franklin Pierce lost two sons in infancy. Two months before his inauguration to the presidency, their only child, Benjamin, 11 years old, was killed in a railroad accident
• Abraham Lincoln, lost two sons during his lifetime: Edward, four years old, while President Lincoln was in office; and William, 11 years old. 
• Rutherford B. Hayes had eight children, three of whom died in infancy. 
• James Garfield had seven children; two died while still infants. 
• Chester Alan Arthur's eldest son died in infancy. 
• Grover Cleveland's eldest daughter, Ruth, died at 13 years of age. 
• William McKinley, lost both children: Ida, four months old, and Katherine, four years old. 
• Theodore Roosevelt's son died at 21 years of age. 
• Calvin Coolidge had a son, Calvin Jr., who died at 16 while his father was in office
• Franklin Roosevelt's son, Franklin Jr., died in infancy. 
• Dwight Eisenhower's son, Doug Dwight "Icky," three years old, died at Camp Mead, Maryland. ©The Grief Toolbox

·      John Kennedy’s two-day-old son Patrick died in 1963.

·      George H. W. Bush’s daughter Robin died of leukemia at the age of 3 or 4 in 1953.

Quote by Barbara Bush about her daughter Robin:

"So I am glad, not that my loved one has gone, but that the earth she laughed and lived on was my earth too. That I had known and loved her, and that my love I'd shown. Tears over her departure yes but also a smile that I walked with her a little while."

~~~~~

Tools for finding hope along the journey: Honor the hole of grief

When someone dies we are left with a hole. It can seem dark and empty and something that we try to fill. It may seem a strange or impossible thought, but we can learn to honor the hole that is left, knowing that it represents and reminds us of the love that we have given and received.

~~~~~

Tools for finding hope along the journey: Trust

There is a certain innocence that is taken away when someone we love dies. We not only come to understand the fragility of life, we also find out how difficult it is to find support and understanding even among our family and friends. Life is unpredictable and we are no longer able to trust that things will continue as planned, to do so is like putting a building on shifting sand. What is solid and able to be trusted is the knowledge that each and every one of us can survive and flourish no matter what comes our way.

~~~~~

~~~~~

Grief is crazy making not clinically but our emotions are so all over and that is difficult for others to understand. It is important to interact with others who are on this journey. That gives us strength to face the ones who say the wrong things.

~~~~~

Tools for finding hope along the journey: Perspective

Shortly after the death of my 4 year old son someone asked me,

“Given all the pain you are feeling do you think it would have been better not knowing him?” 

I answered immediately, 


“I would suffer a hundred times this pain for the privilege of having known him.” 


How could anyone imply that it would have been better for me if I had never known my son? Thinking about it I realized that if he had never been a part of my life I would be spared the pain but also denied the joy. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I had not known him. I would choose knowing him, even knowing all the pain of his death.










Pictures, Quotes, and Content thanks to grieving mother, Tanya Lord's "The Grief Toolbox"